Chapter 6 Valentina #2
“You’re crippling her, Mateo.” My lips quiver as I bite out the rest of my confession, my eyes latched to hers even in the darkness.
“You think I’m strong and powerful because nothing bad ever happened to me, because you somehow protected me from the worst?
You have no idea what I’ve been through.
But I can tell you I’m strong because not one other person was there to fight my battles for me.
I had to learn to do it for myself. You’re crippling her, ruining her chances of ever healing.
I do regret what happened to her; no one should have to go through torture like that. But it was not my fault. Not really.”
I watch her face crumple in the darkness, and hate floods me like a wave washing over a shore in a late night storm. It drags me deeper and deeper into the darkness, and I can’t help but wonder how I’ll ever breathe again.
“Why are you here?” Mateo pleads, and I snap.
“I couldn’t take this pathetic mess a moment longer, Mateo! You haven’t really been to the casino in months. You’ve wanted to do nothing but play pretend with your broken barbie doll. You’re better than this, Mateo. You’re stronger!”
It’s not the whole truth, but it’s the only truth I can give him. If the casino fails, then everything I’ve ever done, everything I’ve ever given up, was for nothing. And without that, I’ll die.
Mateo’s face melts into a bone deep sadness I wish I could comfort, but I wouldn’t even begin knowing how. He nods, hanging his head. “I’ll be there early tomorrow. I’ll plan to stay as long as necessary, to get things organized and back on track.”
I shake my head, my bones aching tired with the weight of my anger and devastation.
Not for me, but for the life I know we can never live, for the life I gave up when I was fifteen and my dad took me to work for the very first time.
“You don’t get it. You have to be all in.
That’s always been the deal. People like you, and I don’t have a choice.
Send her home, Mateo. Let her have a life that doesn’t include you and all your baggage. She’s not one of us.”
Augustus steps around Mateo again, his face devoid of emotion as he looks at McCrae and me. “I think it’s time you go. You too, McCrae.”
My eyes find Adalene’s once more, and I fight the overwhelming urge to vomit, or crawl on my knees and beg for absolution.
Instead, I bite my lip hard enough to draw blood and then face Mateo one last time, “You might see me as the villain in your tragic life, Mateo, but as the only person who’s ever truly sacrificed for our family legacy, I can say this without remorse.
You’re fucking up, and if you don’t figure it out soon, you’ll ruin the chance of anything good in your life.
I would know. Try being happy with the privilege you have instead of yearning for something you'll never get. It’s pathetic and beneath you, and it’s going to ruin her life. ”
It’s not what I mean, but it’s what I say anyways.
And my heart shrivels completely as I watch the fight leave Adalene’s eyes a second before she turns around and quietly slips back in the house.
The silence filling the cab of my car is near deafening, a steady roar that threatens to make my ears bleed.
The hum of the tires against pavement changes to a louder, clunkier thump as I drive over the enormous steel bridge tying Texas to Oklahoma.
Tears, scalding hot and rage filled, pour down my cheeks, but I don’t wipe them away.
I white knuckle the steering wheel, my vision blurry as I try to make out the shadowy blue haze of early morning. Flicking my gaze to the left and to the right, my intrusive thoughts scream at me to yank the wheel—either way’s fine. Just end it.
I scream as I allow the wheel to drift to the right for several moments before I yank it back to the middle, correcting the tires. Why can’t I just do it? What am I so afraid of?
There’s nothing here for me anymore, and whatever lies on the other side can’t be worse.
“Stop being so fucking weak, Valentina, and end it.” I sob to no one, and for the second time, I begin to drift to the right. I can do this. It’s what I want. It’s what I deserve.
Right as the railing comes into full view, fear pierces me like an ice cold blade, but instead of hitting the brakes, I smash the gas. “I am not weak,” I scream once more.
But before I can fully accelerate, there’s a dark blur to my left, whizzing by at alarming speed before pulling in front of my headlights. And fucking stopping.
I can end it for me, but not for him. Never for him.
I slam on the breaks, the tires squealing as I drift to keep from hitting him and his bike over the edge of the bridge. With only seconds to spare, the tires come to a reluctant halt, and I instantly hang my head as it dies beneath me, the manual engine clunking off.
Sobs wrack my body as fear of what I almost did fills me, for the grief that, once more, I was too much of a coward to finish what I started.
There’s a viscous smashing against the driver window, and I look up, trying to swipe the tears from my vision with the back of my hand. I’m met with an icy glare that haunts me in both the most terrifying and delicious way, and I cringe.
I’m scared of McCrae Dobbs, but not because I fear what he’ll do to me. I only fear what he thinks of me. And right now, I’ve a pretty good idea it’s nothing good.
I’m drowning, circling the drain as my life fades above me.
“Open the fucking door, Valentina,” he barks, rage pouring off him in waves. I’ve never seen him so mad, but I understand. I almost killed him.
I unlock the door and weakly shove at the handle, barely pushing it open, but I don’t move. My muscles ache, and I’m too fucking tired.
“Are you fucking drunk?” He yanks the door the rest of the way open, hovering over me, his chest heaving in the pale light.
“No,” I finally whisper, his stare cutting me to the bone.
“Get out of the fucking car and talk to me,” he snaps, but I still can’t move.
“Leave me alone.”
I don’t have to look up to know how I’m making him feel. Disgust coats his tongue, the weight of it crushing me further. He’s the only one to ever truly understand me, and if he’s fed up with me… “Were you trying to drive off the bridge, Valentina?”
There’s no point in denying it, so I slowly turn my gaze to his. “Yes. I’m so fucking tired, McCrae. I don’t want to try anymore. I don’t want to be here.”
Horror flickers across his face for only a second before he quickly masks it. Did I make it up?
“Why?” he asks, a little softer this time, and I feel my anger flickering to life. It would be so much easier to end it if he didn’t fucking pity me. Hate me—be disgusted by me—anything but pity me.
“I’ve lost him. And I’m losing you too. There’s nothing for me anymore.”
His eyebrows drop in disbelief, and I roll my eyes, my chest quivering as I try to calm the sobs still racking my body.
“He’s your brother. You’ll never lose him.” But he says nothing about himself, and as I wait, we both know it’s intentional. “Try talking to him, maybe it’ll help.”
“Because it’s helped you?” I snap, sitting up straighter.
“Mateo’s a lot more understanding than Gus. He’ll believe you if you tell him. Don’t protect me. Protect yourself.”
I shove him out of the way as I stand out of the car, needing to get away from him and this conversation.
“What is it, Valentina?” he asks, his hand wrapping around my arm.
I freeze.
“I can’t talk to him. There’s too much. It’s not his fault, but I hate him.
He’s giving up everything I could never give up simply because he didn’t have to sacrifice for it.
If he had given up what I did, if he’d gone through what I have, he wouldn’t even consider it.
But it’s not mine, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
It’s all his—his to succeed or fail with—and yet, I’m the one who’s paid the price? How’s that fair?”
I don’t turn around to look at McCrae, but he waits for me to continue. And for the first time in my life, I want to tell someone. Not because I think he’ll understand, but because if I don’t, I’ll surely drown.
“If he ruins everything, if he chooses her over our family, then I’ve lost every single piece of myself I sold for the scraps I have.”