33. Chapter 33
They want to keep me another two days, but I’m losing my mind just sitting here and thinking.
The nurse has kept me somewhat updated on Willow, but I haven’t seen her for myself and it’s making me anxious as hell.
But the guilt is still there in full force too. And I’m torn between breaking out and finding her, and just leaving because I’m not even sure what I bring to the table anymore.
“Brought coffee. Probably not as good as yours, but whatever,” Woodcroft says as he walks through my hospital door.
“Thanks.” I take the offered cup.
We sit in silence as we drink our coffee.
“We gonna talk about it?” Woodcroft asks.
I sigh. “I’m sorry for blaming you guys yesterday. That was fucked-up.”
“It was, but I probably would have done the same.”
“He played us, just like we assumed he would. We just couldn’t plan for the way he actually did it.”
“Yup.” He pops the P.
“And it was all on me in the end. Tennison was coming after me. He had a vendetta against me, tortured more people to get to me, and nothing good came from any of it.”
“Nothing good?” Woodcroft’s voice is dangerously low.
“Hell no! I wouldn’t be shocked if Willow wants nothing to do with me after all of this.”
“Holy fuck,” he whispers in exasperation. “You’re a dumb shit, you know that?”
I grunt, not responding. It seems like he has shit to say, so might as well let him get it out. Not that it will change anything.
“Tennison is dead. Do you understand that? Years of work, of sacrifice, of hunting, are done. He’s gone. That is fucking good, Oak. You creating a life here away from all the bullshit is fucking good, Oak. Our entire career on the Task Force is finally for something, and you’re sitting here sulking? Feeling guilty for another, very demented person’s actions? We did a good fucking thing here. Yes, shit happened. Yes, what happened to Lennox, to you, was extremely unfortunate, and I wish it never happened. But we finally got Tennison. His reign of terror is over. His victims can finally rest easy. Doesn’t that mean something?”
He’s imploring me to hear him, and I want to, but I don’t know how I could ever forgive myself for what happened to Lennox. Yes, I’m happy Tennison is burning in the depths of hell and that victims will get some closure. But I’m still so stuck on his words.
“I always followed you closer between you and your partner because you always seemed to be closer to finding me. Every single case you got closer but just never quite reached me.”
I was so close, multiple times, and I just … wasn’t good enough. It literally took Willow telling us about the cabin to get him. He probably would have lured us there regardless, but either way, it wouldn’t have been my doing. I did nothing. Not good enough to catch him, instead bringing destruction to a good friend and forever changing his life. How can I not feel guilty? How can I feel any level of happiness right now?
“I just … can’t see the positive right now, Kel.”
“It’s going to take time; sure, I get it. Just please, for the love of God, think about what I said. We finally won. It means something, otherwise what was all of this even for?”
I nod, not agreeing but realizing I’m not in a headspace to argue with him at the moment.
“What’s your plan now? I assume you’re not going to sit here with your thumb up your ass.” He thankfully changes the subject.
“Breaking out then leaving,” I grunt.
“Super healthy.” He nods.
“Whatever.”
“You need help getting home?” he asks.
“No, I’m just going to pack what I can and then head out.”
“Wait, you’re ‘leaving’ leaving? Like, leaving town? What the actual fuck, Oak?” He’s back to yelling, and I know I deserve it.
“I need to leave. I can’t hurt her more,” I barely get the last words out because it physically hurts. My heart is crumbling just thinking about leaving Willow, but with everything happening with Lennox, I just don’t see how she’ll ever see me as James again.
“God, you’re such an asshole right now,” Woodcroft says on a sigh. “Go home. Don’t do anything stupid, and give yourself time to process all this shit. Don’t make any decisions right now and fuck up something that’s really fucking good for you.”
His words don’t change my mind; if anything, they reinforce my plan.
Woodcroft starts to stand up then pauses before walking over to me. “Please take the time to think about things, man. And let’s not let another year go by without talking to each other again, okay?” He claps my shoulder, looking at me wearily. He knows me well enough to know exactly what I’m planning.
I watch him walk out the door before collapsing back on the bed.
It takes me almost three hours to get the doctor to agree to let me leave, and as soon as the discharge papers are signed, I’m very slowly walking out the door.
I end up taking a wrong turn because when I was wheeled in here, I was hopped up on pain meds, and I end up walking toward a dead end. When I whirl around, I see Ledger shooting daggers at me.
“What the fuck are you doing?”
“Leaving.” I tell him simply.
“Yeah, no shit. I can see that. What the fuck are you doing to Willow?”
“She doesn’t need me here, fucking things up for her. She’s strong, stronger than she’ll ever know.”
“So, you’re just going to walk out and crush her? With all this shit going on?”
I don’t see the punch coming, but I should have. It wouldn’t have really mattered if I had, though, because I would have let him do it. I deserve it. Hell, I deserve a lot more.
“Maybe that’ll knock some fucking sense into you. You don’t get to hurt her. You get to man the fuck up and face this shit.” He turns and walks away as I stand, reeling in my thoughts.
“Don’t make decisions for me.” I jolt, looking up at Willow, instantly overwhelmed with guilt. “We will talk about this later, but right now, I need a few hours.” She walks toward the elevator that I now see.
“Willow …” I call after her, although I have no idea what I would say.
“Later,” she yells back, not bothering to turn around.
I watch her go. I watch the woman I love walk away from me, and it hits me like a wrecking ball.
What the fuck am I doing?
I scrub my hand over my face and wince at the tender skin around my eye where Ledger punched me.
I spot the nurses station and head toward it, finding the nurse that was assigned to me earlier.
“Excuse me, can you tell me where Lennox Hutton’s room is?”
She eyes me for a second, her eyes shifting to my eye before looking at her computer. “Room 312.”
“Thanks.” I head in the direction of the signs, stopping when I get to his room.
By happenstance, or just the universe helping me out, his room is empty of visitors.
I softly knock on the doorframe, drawing his attention.
“I was wondering if I would see you,” he says with absolutely no inflection.
“I can leave if you are companied out …”
“Nope, you’re good. Sit.” He gestures to the empty chair next to his bed.
He actually looks better than I thought he would, although he’s still in bad shape. Bandages cover a lot of his body, and what isn’t covered has smaller nicks to the skin that haven’t fully healed yet.
It’s harder than I thought it would be to see. It’s not the first time I’ve been in a hospital room with one of Tennison’s victims, but this is the first time that I’ve known them personally and am actually friends with them.
“I feel like ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t cut it,” I say quietly.
“Good pun. I liked it.” He smirks.
“Fuck, I’m sorry.” I groan.
“Just giving you shit. You know you don’t have anything to apologize for, man.”
“I have a million things to apologize for. All of this is because of me. Tennison’s goal was to get to me, and he did and took you down at the same time. That should have never happened.”
“Did …” He visibly gulps. “Did others get better?” His voice is so timid my heart breaks.
I could tell him a multitude of things. I could tell him it gets better, that I’ve seen people heal fully, but I can’t do that to him. He needs honesty as much as I do right this moment, I think.
“Some. Others, not so much. I learned something while I was in that cabin, though, that might have affected those outcomes. Tennison told me he would visit them … after the fact. I can’t imagine it’s easy to heal when your demon keeps coming back to haunt you.”
“Jesus.” He wipes under his eyes discretely.
“He really fucked everyone up,” I murmur.
“Do you think I’ll be okay?”
“Yeah, Len. I think so. It’ll take work and time, but I think you will.” I grab his hand, squeezing it.
He clears his throat, squeezing my hand back before pulling away and wiping his face. “And what about you and Will?”
I scrub my hand over my face again. “I’m not entirely sure. I messed up, badly, and I’m not sure what I should do.”
“You want to hear the opinion of someone incapable of punching you, like I’m assuming Ledger did?” He arches his eyebrow.
I trace the edge of my eye and laugh. “I would like that very much.”
“Drop the guilt. No matter how it happened, a monster is off the streets because of you and Willow. I would never blame you or hold you in any way responsible, so neither should you. Do whatever you need to do to get your head right, and go after that woman. Don’t let your past or this sense of unworthiness take over. You are a good man. Hell, you’re a great man. I would trust you with my life ten times over, and that’s considering my current position.” He motions to his body. “Don’t lose her because you can’t get out of your head long enough to talk to her. You know how she is; all you need is to be open, and the two of you can overcome anything. Talk to her. Don’t give up.” He pauses. “If you don’t give up, I won’t either.”
It’s like he physically shot me. If you don’t give up, I won’t either.
I nod as the tears fall again.
He has no reason to be on my team, no reason to support me in any way. And yet here he is, making a promise I want to keep. I don’t want to give up Willow, just like I never want him to give up on himself, on life.
Somehow, it’s the clarity I need. It’s not forgiveness because he doesn’t feel like I have anything to apologize for.
It’s acceptance. That even though everything is extremely hard right now, we push through. We hold on to those who support us, and we fight like hell to survive.
We fight to thrive.
It’s like a lightning strike hits me. I jump up from my chair, gripping my side in pain from the damn stab wound I momentarily forgot about.
“I’ll be back. Tomorrow, probably,” I say hurriedly.
“I’ll be here. And Oakley?”
I tilt my head in question.
“Thank you for being honest. Everyone has been too fucking positive, too upbeat. But they don’t know.” His voice drops low. “They don’t know what he does, how he really is.”
“Was. How he was, Len.”
He nods to me again, a mutual understanding between us. He hasn’t said anything to the cops about what actually happened in the cabin, just like the other victims, even though Tennison is gone. Whatever he said to Lennox will stick with him his entire life, and it’s something he may never talk about.
He clears his throat again, “Go get your woman.”
“Thanks, Len.”
I leave without another word.
There will be time. There will be more conversations, more revelations. But for now? It’s time I grow some balls and actually talk to Willow.