34. Chapter 34
The rideshare I took home from Rosedale thankfully saw the Do not talk to me sign on my forehead, so it was blissfully quiet. Fresh air and a walk seemed to have only brought out my emotions more. I’ve been out here for a couple of hours, and I still feel like I’m all over the place.
Angry. Sad. So fucking sad for so many things. Exhausted. And anything looking remotely like happiness is too far away right now.
How dare James think he can just unilaterally make decisions for both of us. How dare he think now, of all fucking times, is the right time to make a rational decision about anything. Jesus, even I’m aware enough to realize now is not the time to make any sort of choices outside of what to eat. And even that seems like a challenge for me right now.
God, I’m so damn angry at him. But I also understand the way he’s thinking. I bet, right now, he’s thinking everything is his fault. He’s keeping the guilt close like a parka protecting him against snow. The problem is, I have no clue how to pull him out of it.
I told him we would talk later, and I meant that, but before we do, I’d like a starting point.
Thunder cracks overhead, and I look up. Dark clouds are moving in fast, and I nod. Of course it’s going to rain. It feels fitting for my mood.
Thirty seconds later, a torrential downpour hits. I spread my arms open, tilting my head up and just let the rain take me. It feels oddly cathartic. It camouflages the tears, and I don’t even realize I’m crying until my shoulders start shaking.
Taking one more deep breath, I drop my arms and turn to the direction of my house. No use in staying out here and freezing my ass off as the temperature drops.
The walk takes less than ten minutes, and I cry the whole time. I’m worried. Scared Lennox won’t get better, won’t heal mentally. I’m scared I’ve lost James before I ever really had him. I’m scared I won’t ever get the chance to tell him how I really feel. I’m worried this will change our family forever and we won’t ever recover from it.
I don’t think I can handle any of those outcomes, honestly.
I freeze in my tracks as I walk up to my house. There’s a bulky figure sitting on my front steps, and my heart is immediately in my throat.
When the man’s face lifts from his arms, I take a full breath. James.
I open my mouth to be snarky, but a hiccup from crying so much takes its place. He wordlessly holds his arms open, and I immediately go to him. Sitting in his lap and wrapping my arms around him, I instantly feel safe. I feel this release as I hold him tight.
“I’m so fucking sorry.” I hear the anguish, hear him breaking down in the crack in his voice.
“Don’t do that again. I can’t … I can’t” The words won’t come out. For once, I don’t have the words to articulate how I feel.
“I know. The guilt… God, the guilt overtook everything.”
“How long have you been out here?”
“About an hour, maybe? I don’t know. After you left, I went and talked to Lennox.” We’re both quiet, me thinking about how hard that conversation was for him.
“That’s pretty big,” I mutter.
His surprised chuckle hits me right in the chest, and I smile.
“It was so fucking hard,” he whispers.
“But you did it.”
“But I did it,” he agrees with a sigh. “It helped a lot.”
“I’m very thankful.” I hug him tighter to me before he grunts in pain. “Shit, your side and your arm. I’m an asshole.”
“No, you’re not. But I think maybe going inside and getting more comfortable would help.” He leans back, looking into my eyes.
My mind turns dirty in a split second. James Oakley dripping wet, with an earnest look in his eyes, is a sight to behold, and I realize just how much I’ve missed him during all of this.
“Probably don’t look at me like you want to rip my clothes off. We have a lot to talk about, and this damn stab wound won’t let me fuck you the way I really want to.”
“Damn, I missed your mouth.” I tip my head back on a groan.
“Up. Now, woman. Shower, then snuggle in bed, so we can talk.”
“Did you just use the word ‘snuggle’?”
“In the context of doing it with you? I sure as hell did.” He says it with no shame, and somehow this little sparring match soothes the last of my chaotic thoughts. We’ll get back to us, even if it takes some time.
I carefully untangle my limbs from his and hold my hand out to help him. He groans as he stands up, one hand going to his injured side.
“I’m sorry.” I cringe at causing him pain.
“No, it’s all good. It’s more stiff than anything, I promise.”
I eye him with skepticism, especially because I have a vague memory of the doctor saying he was going to have to stay a few days. This is certainly not a few days.
I quickly unlock the door, getting us out of the rain.
We both step in, the sound of the rain quieting behind the closed door. Eyes locked, the electrical current usually between us sparks to life.
“Will…” Oakley warns.
“I know, I know. Shower.” I blink out the haze and move toward the bathroom.
I don’t even bother with privacy or a sense of modesty. He’s seen all of me before, and although I’m sure both of us would absolutely be okay with some sex, I think we both realize that’s not actually going to happen tonight. There’s too much to work through, and brushing things under the rug isn’t an option.
Stripping as I walk, I turn the hot water on and wait. James joins me a minute later, stripping slowly so his stiches don’t pull.
“Did you talk them into letting you out early?” I ask, staring at where he got stabbed and seeing the fresh bandage. A flash of Tennison thrusting his knife at him enters my brain, and I squeeze my eyes shut to get rid of it.
“Trouble.” His hand grips my shoulder, and my eyes pop open. “I’m fine. I may have left a little early, but what were they really keeping me there for anyway? To monitor the stitches? Look for infection? I can do that, no big deal.” He shrugs, and I roll my eyes at him.
“You’re a pain in the ass,” I tell him as I jump into the shower.
I watch him gently remove the bandage on his wound on his side and arm before carefully moving to the shower. He opens the door and slides in, careful to keep the bad side out of the water. He angles himself perfectly to keep the stitches dry while still being close to me.
My hand reaches up, softly brushing an inch from the injury before I even realize I’m doing it. His hand lands on top of mine, leading my movements and bringing my hand up his ribcage to his heart.
“When you came into that cabin, I felt so much simultaneously. Fear… Fuck, I was so scared to see you there. Pride. You’re so fucking fearless, just barging in there with a baseball bat.” He shakes his head, with a small smile on his lips. “Then the guilt hit, and it never left. I couldn’t pull myself out of it, and I said a lot of stupid shit.”
“I get it.” My fingers shift against him, feeling his strong heartbeat. “The paramedics, while we were being taken to the hospital, talked to me about the effects of shock. It was weird. I heard them and understood it in principle but didn’t understand what it would look like.”
“I should have made them take you in before me.” He shakes his head, angry at himself.
“Hey,” I say sharply, forcing him to look at me. “We’re done with the blaming. The what-ifs and should-haves—we’re not doing them, okay?”
“Okay,” he murmurs before leaning down and pressing a kiss to my lips.
I melt into him.
But it’s over too fast.
“I had to, sorry,” he says against my lips, and it makes me smile.
“Yeah. I’m really upset about it.” I grin.
“Where were we?” he asks.
“Before you decided to kiss me as the ultimate distraction? You feeling guilty and making dumb decisions.”
“Right. It just consumed everything. I felt … so unworthy of everything I’ve built here. Unworthy of Lennox’s friendship, unworthy of Grind Time, and certainly of you. It felt like…” He looks up in thought before looking back at me. “It felt like running was the only option,” he says softly.
I swallow back the tears as I nod. I want so badly to be done crying, but I know that’s a fool’s hope.
“Can I ask you something?” My hand is still absentmindedly moving over his chest.
“Always.”
“Did you want to leave?” The tears I prayed wouldn’t fall, disobey.
“No. Fuck no. I never want to leave you. I just wanted you to have the best life, and I didn’t think that was with me. Unknowingly, I brought all this shit to you, and it’s hard to separate that from everything else.”
My heart breaks. I know this feeling won’t just immediately be gone for him. I know we both will need to be in therapy to really work through the worst of this, but hearing him say he didn’t want to leave is enough for me. I don’t care how long things take. I don’t care how fucking hard it is; it’ll be worth it.
His hand moves to lift my chin before cupping it.
“I’m in love with you, and I don’t think there’s a single thing that would make me ever want to be without you.”
My breath hitches as a smile spreads across my face. I lean forward, pressing a kiss to his chest, right where his heart is, before pulling back.
“I love you too,” I whisper before he leans and crashes into me with a kiss that steals my whole soul.
He pulls back, putting his forehead to mine. “Things are going to be a lot harder before they get better.”
“I know.”
“But I’ll do my absolute best to always be here for you. I know I’ll mess up sometimes, though.”
“So will I,” I tell him.
“I’m sorry. I know you don’t want to hear it, but I need to say it one more time. I’m sorry for everything, for leading Tennison here, for the destruction he caused. For doubting you could love me through my worst.”
“And I’m sorry for not actually talking to you about all of this before we both went past our breaking point. For scaring you at the cabin. And not staying put at your apartment,” I add.
“I honestly don’t think you should apologize for that last one. That did way more good than bad,” he mutters.
“Possibly, but I’m still sorry it stressed you out.”
“No more apologies.”
“No more apologies.” I say. I press my lips to his one more time before pulling back with a smile. “Now, we actually need to get clean because we’re on borrowed time with the hot water.”
“Done. I think I’m going to need a bed in two minutes anyway because I’m fucking exhausted,” he says.
“I can help with that.”
I move to grab my little silicone scrubber before loading it up with soap. I wash him carefully before he snags it from me and reciprocates. I quickly shut off the water before stepping out and grabbing a towel. I hand one to James as he gingerly steps out, and I can tell he’s close to collapsing.
“Do you have fresh bandages for those?” I point to his wounds.
“In the hospital bag by the front door.”
Huh, didn’t even see that.
“Okay, stay here and I’ll go grab it.” I book it out the living room, thankful for my small house, and return back to my bedroom only to find James spread out onto my bed, buck-ass naked.
“You are a sight to behold. Just saying,” I tell him as I walk around the side and start laying out the supplies.
“Absolutely same, Trouble,” he says with a smirk.
It takes me a couple of minutes to dress his injuries with his direction, and I look up to see his eyes drooping.
I toss the towel on the floor before crawling into bed next to him.
“I love you,” I sigh out as I curl up to his uninjured side.
“I love you too,” he barely manages to get out before a soft snore starts.
He’s right. It’ll be a long, hard road for both of us.
But we’ll be okay.