40. Chapter 40
It’s been three weeks since our new normal began. Three weeks since we got Lennox home. Three weeks since my book blew up on social media. And three weeks since James and I decided together to work with therapists to help us both process everything that happened with Tennison.
It’s been hard on so many levels. My therapy days usually consist of being anxious as hell before the appointment and then crying for most of the day after. James tends to keep to himself more until he feels ready to talk about it. It’s been another level of intimacy between the two of us that I never expected. But we’re working through it all together.
Today is a fun day, one I look forward to with every book’s release. It’s dedication day. I started doing a special day where I wrote my dedication and acknowledgments on my second book, and it’s the last thing to do before it goes out in the world. It signifies a dream I’ve had since I was little, and I use this day to soak in that feeling. It’s easy to get lost in the business of it all, so for this one day, I let myself be fucking ecstatic at all I’ve accomplished. I let the imposter syndrome melt away and feel confident that it’ll be my best book yet.
Today feels like a different kind of special, though. It’s my first romance book, after all.
I write out a couple of different versions and erase them all. Do that a few more times before I stare at my computer for longer than I care to admit.
After what feels like days, a spark finally clicks in my head.
I type it out just as I hear the front door to my house open.
“Well, hello there, beautiful,” James says as he walks over to me, bending down to give me a kiss before turning his attention to my computer.
“How was your morning?” I ask.
When he doesn’t answer, I turn to look at him and find him staring at my dedication. I feel my cheeks heat, my hands coming up to cover them.
“This is the dedication for the new book?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I whisper. I look at it again and try to see it through his eyes.
To love:
Something I’ve only ever known in the form of family. Something I never thought would come my way. And something that has changed my life completely.
To James:
I didn’t know it was possible to love someone this much. You’ve influenced this book and my life more than you’ll ever know. Now you’re stuck with me, so tell me you love the book and kiss me.
“I love it,” he says then leans down and kisses me again.
“Best dedication yet,” I say when he finally pulls back.
“Are you officially done?”
“’Done’ done. This gets released in a week, and then it’s completely out of my hands.”
“God, I can’t even imagine writing a whole-ass book and then letting people read it.” He shakes his head as he heads to the bedroom.
I quickly get up and follow him because if the routine of the last few weeks has taught me anything, it’s time for my man to strip and take a shower.
“It never quite feels real until this point,” I murmur as he turns the shower on.
We’ve become quite domesticated in the last three weeks. In fact, it’s something I desperately want to talk to him about, but I want to wait until the time is right.
“Hey.” He draws my attention back to his face. I’m certainly not apologizing for watching him undress. “You are a phenomenal woman, and I’m proud of you and I love you.”
He never shies away from telling me he loves me. Never lets me forget to be proud of all of my achievements, even the small ones.
“I love you too,” I say.
He climbs into the shower, letting the water drip over his head and down his body, thoroughly distracting me.
“How was Grind Time today?” I ask.
“Good for the most part. Mabel is on the war path about something with Arlo, but you know I’m not trying to get in the middle of that.”
“We really need to work on your gossip. I need more information. There could be good drama there. Hell, what if it involves Rina?” I have a theory about Arlo and Rina, but it’s just as wild as the stories I write, I think.
“You’re delusional. Rina hates him.”
“Or does she?” I ask before chuckling.
“Anyway, Mabel stayed a good chunk of the day, so I just tried to stay busy and do a shit-ton of prep for tomorrow.”
“Well, that’s good. Now, you can sleep in.” I look at him with a huge smile.
“Sleeping… Sure, Trouble.”
I chuckle as he soaps up, mesmerized by both his body and his humor.
“Do you have therapy today?” he asks, oblivious to my ogling.
“Tomorrow. I had another flashback this morning,” I tell him quietly.
His head snaps up. “Why didn’t you call me?”
“Because my therapist gave me some things to try when they happen, and I wanted to see if it would help.”
He nods, and I can see the wheels turning in his head. “Did it help?”
“Surprisingly enough, it did. I mean, I don’t expect it to magically absolve me of flashbacks and nightmares, but it’s a start, so I’ll take it. What about you? You were up too early this morning.”
He sighs. “I woke up, and my brain wouldn’t shut off. It was running through old cases, not just Tennison, and analyzing all the things I could have done differently.”
We talk about everything; nothing has been off limits, and I know he’s hesitant to start taking something to help with his anxiety. But things like this have been happening too frequently lately.
He shuts off the water and climbs out, scrubbing the towel over his body before tossing it in the hamper.
“I think I want to start the anxiety meds.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I don’t want to be dependent on them, but I also need sleep and not have my head running through jobs I no longer work or looking over my shoulder for the next bad thing to happen. It’s taking my focus away from the good things, the things I should be enjoying.”
I walk up to him, standing on my tiptoes as I palm his cheeks. “I am so fucking proud of you. This is just the start of the process, the hardest part.”
“I know, and logically I know it’s the best decision. I just want to be able to be the best partner for you, and I don’t think I’m doing that at the moment,” he whispers against my lips.
“James Oakley, you are the best partner in the world,” I tell him with indignation.
“Thank you.” He wraps his arm around my waist and picks me up so my legs wrap around his torso.
I lean into his neck, breathing in the scent that’s purely James. He calms me in the wild tides. He soothes away turbulent thoughts. Our life is one I wasn’t expecting, but now I can’t imagine another way.
“I have something I want to talk to you about,” I murmur in his ear.
“Is it about tying me up again? Because I could be on board with that.”
“What? No! Although, what I just heard was that I get a free pass to tie you up whenever I want, so expect that in the near future, big guy.” I nip at his throat.
“Any time, Trouble. Any time. What do you want to talk about?” He sets me down on the bed and pulls on a pair of boxers. Sad, but at least I’ll be less distracted this way.
“The apartment above Grind Time, do you rent it?”
“It was included when I bought the shop, so I don’t pay rent on it, no.”
“How do you feel about a transfer of belongings from one space to another?”
He moves so he’s caging me in against the bed. “Are you asking me what I think you are?”
“If you think that I’m asking you to move in, then you’re right on the money.”
“You know, I’ve been thinking about this a lot too, but I didn’t want to push since we’ve had so much going on. Ever since we were locked in here for over a week, this is the only place that feels like home, and I want nothing more than to stop acting like I actually live in the apartment.” He chuckles.
“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea. No reason to use it as a place to hold your shit,” I agree with a smile.
“Maybe we can turn it into a writing space for you.”
“The whole apartment?”
“Yeah. It’ll be like ‘bring your girlfriend to work’ day, every day.” The way he says it so earnestly makes me laugh.
“Will you promise to feed me all the food and lattes?”
He presses a kiss to my cheek. “Absolutely.”
“I think I can agree to that. Although, I may have to shift my deadlines because I have a feeling you’re going to be more than a little distracting.” I smirk before pressing a kiss to his jaw.
“What do you mean? A mid-day quickie wouldn’t be inspirational?”
“Hmm, definitely need to adjust my deadlines then.” I press a kiss to his lips, and this time, we don’t pull away. We kiss like we have all the time in the world. And it finally feels like we do. Sure, we have a lot to still work through, but we both know we’ll be there for each other through it all.
“I really want to take things slow tonight, but fuck, all this talk about cohabitation and deadlines is really doing it for me,” he murmurs.
Laughter bursts out of me as he trails kisses down my neck. I can feel him laughing as he does.
“Who knew it was that easy to get you going?”
“One look at you is all it takes,” he says as he nips at my collarbone. More laughter erupts from me, making it impossible for me to get any words out. “Too cheesy?” he murmurs. “Let me try again.”
He lifts up onto his elbows, hovering over me with a serious look in his eyes that stops my laughter in its tracks.
“I am so lucky to call you mine. I am grateful that I get to spend my life with you, going through every bump in the road with you right next to me. I am in awe of you, of your heart, and your mind. You amaze me with your brilliance every single day. I am wholly unworthy of being this lucky, but I’m damn sure going to run with it without looking back.”
“And I’m the writer.” I sniffle as a few tears fall.
“Maybe you’re rubbing off on me.”
“You know, I think I had a crush on you since the moment you moved to town. That’s why I never came into Grind Time; I thought you would be too much of a distraction.” His eyes light up, listening to me. “I was correct in that assumption, but I also think in the last couple of months, I’ve become the best version of myself because of you. We are an unstoppable force together, and I can’t wait to see where the future takes us.”
He crushes his lips to mine, and I wrap my arms around him, holding him as tight to me as physically possible. Breaking the kiss a moment later, he rests his forehead against mine.
“I love you.” Kiss. “And I love our life.” Kiss.
“I love you too,” I whisper before he kisses me again.
We end up being late to open up Grind Time in the morning because he shows me in every way possible how much he loves me.