Chapter 39
Claire
Asher sends me a photo of Bea on her first day of school, her hair done up in a messy bun on the top of her head. She swapped her infamous tutu for a simple apple green dress, which paired adorably with her purple cowboy boots.
With tears in my eyes, I respond, texting, “I hope she has the best day ever!”
He “hearts” my reply, but that’s it.
A week later, Natalie FaceTimes. I consider not answering, but the letter she and Jack wrote, where they expressed their deepest gratitude for my donation and dedication to Daisy Lake, was beautiful, and I suppose she may be following up to ensure I received it.
So much for staying anonymous.
Rather than Natalie, when I accept the call, I find the most precious little face on the screen.
Bea yaps about her kindergarten adventures, even showing me her latest painting.
Just when I think her attention span is dwindling and she’s about to hang up, she breaks my heart by saying, “I miss you. Can you come home?”
Her words throw me for a loop and my own get lodged in my throat, hard and sharp like gravel. Fortunately, Natalie redirects the conversation by asking her to check on Jack in the kitchen, and we quickly end the call.
With no job prospects lined up, my motivation to do more than lie around and wallow in self-pity is nearly nonexistent. I’ve been back in the city for a couple of weeks now, but I’m sending calls to voicemail and only communicating via text so people know I’m alive and well.
“Well” may be an exaggeration. More like “alive and managing okay-ish.”
Am I eating? Just enough. But food has no taste these days.
Am I moving my body? Sure. For the first week, I moved from the bed to the couch and back to the bed again.
This week, I’ve forced myself to take walks outside every day.
It would be a shame not to since the weather is perfect this time of year.
Joey texted the other day to let me know she’s back in town and asked if I’d join her for a spin class, but I ignored the invite.
While my behavior isn’t healthy and I’d be hypothetically slapping my patients upside the head if they were acting this way, I’m not ready to find a new normal yet.
I want to soak in my misery a little longer, god dammit. Is that too much to ask?
But I discover that my friends have other plans this morning when they practically knock down my door.
“Oh shit. When was the last time you washed your hair?” Millie says by way of greeting.
She’s the last person I expect to find standing in my apartment, not just because she’s been swamped with work, but because she’s Asher’s sister.
Joey rushes to hug me. Though after she steps back, she turns up her nose. “We’ll wait while you shower.”
It’s not a suggestion.
Twenty minutes later, and feeling somewhat human again, I join them in the kitchen, my hair still wet but smelling much better.
They’ve made a fresh pot of coffee, and seeing how they’ve made themselves at home melts my frigid heart a little.
Joey prefers her coffee black, same as my brother, while Millie pours a concerning amount of sugar and creamer into hers.
(I keep my doctor mouth shut.) I add a splash of creamer into mine after a mug is shoved in my face.
“Where have you been?” Joey asks. “I’ve tried calling.”
“Hibernating,” I reply flippantly.
“Claire,” she reprimands. “It’s not even winter.”
“Blame it on global warming.”
Millie rolls her eyes, though she quickly dons a more concerned expression. “Asking ‘how are you doing?’ seems like a loaded and useless question, so instead I’m going to ask, do you want to be helped, hugged, or heard?”
“Is there a fourth option to be hauled out of the trash? Because I feel like absolute garbage.”
She eyes Joey, then the two of them lean in.
“When do you start your new job?” Millie asks, redirecting the conversation.
I bite down on my lower lip, thankful for the shot of pain it causes. It’s a sign I can still feel something. “Um…” I hesitate to tell the truth, but they’ll get it out of me regardless. “I don’t have one.”
“What?” both women nearly shout, their eyes bugging out.
“Hold up,” Millie says. “What do you mean?”
She tops off her coffee and scoots her stool closer to mine. “Spill it. Tell us what’s going on and why you’re not upstate.”
I frown at her. “I was only hired for the summer. Why would I still be there when another doctor has filled my position?”
This is why I’ve been avoiding her. I don’t trust myself not to force her to give me every detail about the new doctor.
I lie awake at night consumed by thoughts about who they might be.
Did Asher hire a woman? Is she young and fresh out of med school?
Is she pretty? Are her boobs bigger than mine?
Is Asher attracted to her? Does she get along with Bea?
Oh, god. Do they play beauty salon together?
It hurts too much to think about it. Like death by a thousand paper cuts.
Millie and Joey exchange a look, both pressing their lips together, making it impossible to decipher what they’re silently saying to one another.
“Why do I feel like you know something I don’t?”
Neither answers. In fact, both busy themselves with their coffee.
“Millie…”
“Asher hasn’t hired another doctor.”
My chest tightens, making my breaths come shorter. “What are you talking about?”
“Haven’t you heard?” Joey says. “An anonymous investor fully funded the expansion, so the camp is closed for construction.”
Obviously that last part isn’t news to me, and I realize about half a second too late that my lack of surprise in hearing this news is suspicious.
Eyes narrowed, Joey scrutinizes me. Nothing gets past my future sister-in-law.
Especially since using the money from our trust funds on others seems to be a Connelly sibling tradition.
Subtly, I widen my eyes and shake my head, and miracle of miracles, Millie remains oblivious of our little psychic exchange, too absorbed in her coffee.
“That’s really wonderful,” I say, twisting the plastic beaded bracelet around my wrist. The one Bea made for me. “I’m happy for him. For your whole family.”
“Yeah, well, if only he were as happy as he should be,” Millie says.
“Huh?”
“Let’s just say he’s about as spritely as you are these days.”
“I’m confused.”
She slumps, elbows on the counter. “He’s really messed up, Claire.”
“Why?”
Joey glares at me like I’m the dumbest person alive, but I’m still not understanding.
Millie releases a dramatic sigh. “He looks like a lovesick puppy that got kicked in the ribs.”
I cringe at the mental image. “When did you see him?”
“I haven’t yet, but that’s what Natalie said.”
“You’ve talked to Natalie?”
“She’s the one who told me about the silent investor.
Ash is screening my calls, too, by the way.
And here I thought I was the stubborn sibling.
” She waves a hand in the air. “Listen. I don’t know why the two of you are locked up in your homes, stinky and miserable and alone.
But the least you can do is be stinky and in love together. ”
“Gross.” I can’t help the grin that spreads across my face, but it honestly feels good to have a glimmer of humor in my life. “Is that what this is?” I ask rubbing at the ache behind my breastbone. “I’ve never been in love before. How can I be sure?”
“Are you having a difficult time waking up in the morning because you’re not with Asher?”
I nod.
“Does food taste like all the flavor has been sucked out of it?”
I nod.
“Are you stalking his social media?”
I’m not sure if that last one is meant to be a joke, but I don’t even hesitate when I nod a third time. Lurking around his social media multiple times a day, hoping for a smidgen of an update, has become a deranged pastime of mine.
“Jo, check her forehead,” she instructs.
Joey does as she’s told, pushing off her stool and pressing the back of her hand to my head.
“What’s the prognosis?” Millie asks.
“Well, I’m no doctor, but all symptoms point to hopelessly in love.”
A giggle unexpectedly escapes my lips at their little bit, and it’s the first true laugh I’ve let out since before I left Daisy Lake.
“But…” I sigh, a weight in my heart so heavy I can’t sit up straight. “Love isn’t supposed to hurt this much, is it?”
When my first and only boyfriend in high school broke up with me, I was sad and mopey, sure, but after a few days, I was over it.
I was never “lovesick” like the other girls.
In college and medical school, I was so focused on being at the top of my class that I closed myself off to any opportunity to fall in love.
“Oh, honey.” Millie wraps her arm around my shoulder. “You’re not hurting because you’re in love. You’re hurting because you’re not with the one you love.”
My eyes burn and a sob hitches in my throat before I can conceal my emotions. The only thing left to do is surrender. “Fuck,” I cry. “I miss him like crazy. And Bea. I love that little girl so much. But it’s not just them I miss. I miss living at the camp too.”
“So tell him,” Joey nudges.
Shaking my head, I wipe away the tears with my sleeve. “He didn’t ask me to stay, Jo. If he had wanted me to stay, he would have asked.”
“My brother, unfortunately, is not one for taking chances unless he’s sure of the outcome. He didn’t used to be like that, but grief changes a person.”
“Mmm.” I understand full well the effect grief can have.
“If he knew how you felt, though…”
Trepidation runs through my veins. She wants me to reach out first?
“We’re not trying to rush you,” Joey interjects, the yin to Millie’s yang. “If you need more time, that’s okay. It wasn’t so long ago that we were in similar positions. Love shouldn’t be scary, but it can sorta make you feel like you’re free-falling.”
“Thank you.” I lean into her.
“You’re a liar, you know that?” Millie says.
“What?” I gasp, but the smirk on her face gives away her mirth.
“You told me you weren’t going to fall in love with my brother.”
I groan, swiping a hand down my face, concealing my goofy smile.
She bumps her shoulder against mine. “Good thing I’ve been rooting for you two this whole time.”
Shaking my head, I ask, “Why are you here with me and not with him anyway?”
“Oh, trust me, he’ll get an earful from me. But I had to check on my girl first.” She winks. “Plus, I told you my brother needs to be sure before he goes after the things he wants.”
“Please don’t tell him I’m in love with him,” I beg.
Those words—in love with him—feel foreign on my tongue, and yet I’m confident it’s the truth.
I’m in love with Asher.
“If that’s what you want, you have my word.” She mimes zipping her lips.
“Thanks.”
“What are sisters for?”