53. Cassian
Cassian
“Hey mate, have you seen my bowtie?” Bash sticks his head into my room at the manor, hair disheveled and shirt half-open.
I work my cufflink through the buttonhole. “Why the fuck would I have your tie?”
“Shit. Viv’s going to kill me.”
“Viv?” I do my best to say her name without choking. “What about your mother?”
Blowing out a breath, he sags against the doorframe. “She’ll skin me and then kill me.”
I feel a twinge of sympathy for Bash. Losing Briar has been hard on him. I’m not sure he’s been sleeping, and I know for a fact he hasn’t been eating—probably the first time Sebastian Wilson has gone without food in his entire life.
“How did you already lose it? You’ve only been here a day,” I say.
He offered me a ride to Belgrave yesterday, but I opted to drive myself down this morning. The last thing I wanted to do was watch the rehearsal last night. The real thing will be bad enough.
“I have no idea,” he says, shaking his head. “I’m screwed.”
“No, you’re not.” Grabbing my suit jacket, I clap a hand on his shoulder. “I’ll help you find one. Come on.” I push him into the hall. I have no clue where we’ll get a spare, but at least it gives me something to do that isn’t pacing in front of the window, hoping for a glimpse of the bride.
Within five minutes, Bash has a new tie, thanks to Marlowe packing several of them. “What?” she says when I raise a brow.
“Do I want to know why you brought these?” I ask, running the silk through my fingers.
Propping both hands on her hips, she gives me a look that would scare me if I didn’t already know she was harmless. “Maybe because I foresaw this exact situation happening?”
“Did you pack his condoms, too?”
I duck out through the door as she throws a shoe at my head.
A few minutes later, I find Bash in the drawing room, where a makeshift bar has been set up. I only just left him, but he appears to already be several drinks in.
“Whoa, buddy,” I say, removing the glass from his hand. “Slow down. When’s the last time you ate anything?”
He takes the tumbler back and drains it in a single gulp. “No fucking clue.”
“Well, how about you finish getting dressed and find some food? Your family will never forgive you if you stagger down the aisle.” I toss Marlowe’s bowtie over his shoulder and reach for a bottle of bourbon.
Bash holds his glass out, but I grab my own and pour myself a shot. When I don’t give him a refill, he gets one himself. I shake my head. “You’re on your own, mate.”
Some of the amber-colored liquid sloshes onto his hand, but he doesn’t even notice. “No need to rub it in,” he says.
“Not what I meant. But speaking of, I’ve never seen you this worked up over a girl.”
“That’s because she isn’t just any girl. She’s the one.” He downs the liquor but fortunately doesn’t reach for the bottle again.
I stare into my whiskey, because it’s easier than looking at his lifeless eyes. They’re too similar to hers, and right now, she’s the last thing I want to think about. “You were the one who broke up with her, remember? And you were a complete asshole about it, too.”
“I’ve come to my senses,” he says. “But she won’t even take my calls. I’ve tried texting her, but she just leaves me on read. I don’t know what to do, man. I feel like I’m going crazy.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t have been such a jerk to her, man.”
Bash narrows his eyes. “Wow, thanks. I thought at least my best friend would be on my side.”
“I am on your side. It’ll get better, I promise,” I say, even though I have no business making such a promise. What the hell do I know about getting over a broken heart? I’ve been living with mine for years, and the pain has only increased.
“She’s coming today.” He tips his glass back before remembering he already emptied it. “She’s going to be in the same room as me, and I’m supposed to stay away from her. I don’t know if I can do it.”
I know the feeling, mate.
“What if she brings a date?” He says it as if this is the first time it’s occurred to him.
“Then you’ll get through it,” I say. “You have me.”
“And me,” Shep adds, joining us at the bar and reaching for a bottle of dark rum. “Besides, I really don’t think Briar will bring anyone. She wouldn’t do that to you.”
Bash gives him a skeptical look. “How would you know?”
Shep shrugs and takes a sip of his drink. “Just a hunch. Now, where’s the food?”
We raid the snack platters as soon as the caterers set them down. I don’t have an appetite, but I know if Bash sees both Shep and me eating, he’ll be more likely to join us. Sure enough, he demolishes half a dozen jumbo shrimp in a few seconds.
“God, I’m hungry,” he says, cramming another one into his mouth.
“This is why I told you to grab lunch.” I set my plate down. The thought of eating anything more is literally turning my stomach. It was a fantastic distraction while it lasted, but the second I glance at the clock on the wall, nausea overtakes me.
The wedding starts in less than three hours.
In the time it takes to watch The Fellowship of the Ring, Viv will be married to Landon Davenport, and I’ll have lost her forever.
“You going to eat that?” Bash asks, pointing to the caviar-topped deviled egg on my plate. When I shake my head, he grabs it.
“Dude, how did you already polish off an entire platter of canapes?” Shep asks.
Bash spouts off a reply, but I’m no longer listening.
How could I have been such a fool? If I had listened to Viv earlier, I might’ve been able to stop her from making this mistake. Instead, I was too stubborn to see what was right in front of my face.
“You okay?”
I turn to find Sutton looking at me with a furrowed brow. I don’t even know when she entered the room. “I’m good,” I tell her.
“You don’t look good,” she says, her frown deepening as she scans me from head to toe.
“Gee, thanks.” I attempt a wry smile, but it falls flat.
“Cass, what’s wrong?”
Dropping my gaze, I let out a heavy sigh. “Nothing. Just a little queasy.”
“Does this have anything to do with Vivienne getting married in a few hours?”
I look up sharply. “What?” I glance over her shoulder to make sure Bash isn’t within hearing distance, but he has found a dartboard and is competing with Marlowe.
“Please,” Sutton says, reaching for a piece of shrimp. “You’ve got this whole Mr. Brightside thing going on.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I’ve seen the way you two look at each other. It’s been obvious for years.”
I frown. “No, it hasn’t.”
“If you say so,” she says, raising her brows.
There’s no way she’s known how I feel for years. I wasn’t even willing to admit it to myself until recently.
She bumps my shoulder with hers. “All I’m saying is, if you’re feeling sad, I understand.”
“I’m fine,” I tell her, folding my arms. “Or I will be.”
“Does Bash know?”
“Know what?”
“That you’re in love with his sister, dipshit.”
I suck on my teeth before answering. “I don’t know. He caught us in the stables—”
“I’m sorry, what?” She gapes at me. “In the stables? Doing what?”
“Would you keep your voice down?” I scan the room to see if anyone has overheard, but no one’s paying any attention to us. “Doing nothing. Making out,” I mumble.
“Making out is not ‘doing nothing.’”
I roll my eyes. “It’s not what you think.”
“Here’s what I think.” She sets her plate on the table behind us. “I think you’re in love with Viv and you should tell her how you feel.”
I lean back and cross my ankles. “It’s more complicated than that.”
“How?” she asks, but before I can answer, the door to the drawing room swings open, and Vivienne sticks her head in.
“There you are,” she says to Marlowe. “Can I borrow you for a second?”
Marlowe hands her darts to Shep and moves to the door. “Of course.”
“Thanks.” Viv gives her a smile, but the second her eyes land on me, it vanishes. Her face turns pale, and she looks as nauseous as I feel.
I want to rush across the room and take her in my arms. I want to tell her how sorry I am for waiting so long, for being so fucking stupid, for not listening when she said I was the only thing she wanted.
I want to kiss her until she’s breathless, until the only thing she can think about is me, until all thoughts of Landon are a million miles away.
I want to tell her that it’s not too late, that we can still get out of here. I’ve got a full tank of petrol. We can drive to the airport and fly anywhere in the world if she’ll just let me take her away.
But I’ve already said all there is to say.
She made her choice, and it wasn’t me. I understand why she feels the need to go ahead with the wedding, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
As much as she’s loath to admit it, I was right about one thing.
She’s still choosing the path that ensures the most people’s happiness, even at the expense of her own.
“Isn’t it bad luck to see the bride before the wedding?” Bash calls from the dartboard.
“Only if you’re the groom, idiot,” Marlowe says.
He flips her off as she follows Viv from the room.
The air has changed. It ripples with electricity, making my suit itchy and uncomfortable. I long to throw it off, to bolt outside, to run until my lungs are burning and my legs give out from underneath me.
When she walked away from me after the ballet, she took my heart with her, and I already know I’m never getting it back.
Despite what I told Bash, this kind of pain doesn’t just vanish.
I’ll have to live the rest of my life with a scar that still throbs whenever I catch a whiff of vanilla and orange or see ivy climbing the side of a building.
“I think I get it now,” Sutton says, bringing me back to the present.
I’d forgotten she was standing beside me, let alone that we were having a conversation before the woman I love walked in and fucked with my head.
“She knows how you feel, feels the same, but isn’t willing to do anything about it. ”
I don’t even have the energy to turn and look at her. “You read all that, huh.” It’s not even a question, because I don’t have it in me to care anymore.
“Cass, you need to do something.” Sutton moves until she’s standing in my line of vision. “If you don’t, she’s going to marry someone she’s not in love with.”
“I’m aware of that,” I say through clenched teeth. “But what am I supposed to do? I told her how I feel. She’s not willing to call it off.”
“Then make a scene. Stand up in front of everyone and tell them how you feel.”
A humorless laugh slips out of my mouth. “I’m not going to do that.”
“Why not?” she demands.
“Because she’d hate it, that’s why. She doesn’t want me to make a scene. She doesn’t want me to do anything but drive the fucking horse and carriage after the ceremony. So that’s what I’m going to do. Because as much as I want to make a scene, I can’t. Not if she doesn’t want me to.”
Sutton closes her eyes as the weight of what I’m saying washes over her. Yes, it sucks, but welcome to my reality.
“I’m so sorry, Cass,” she says, resting a hand on my arm. “If there’s anything I can do—”
“There isn’t.” I shake my head. “I just need to be alone right now.”
I leave her standing there and head to the library. It’s the one room in the house that feels like Viv’s and mine, and after today, I’m not sure when I’ll get to use it again. No one is in it, which is a relief. The last thing I need is to run into Landon. God only knows what I’d do to him.
Instinctively, I reach for the copy of Wuthering Heights on the shelf, the same one Viv and I used for years to exchange notes. I’m half expecting to find a letter inside, but there’s nothing between the pages. I guess we have nothing left to say to each other.
Shutting the book, I set it aside. Reading it over the past several weeks and writing notes for her in the margins made me feel things I have no right to feel.
Thinking about her walking down that aisle and promising herself to him makes me want to vomit.
There’s no way I’ll survive watching it.
I’ll only end up having to rush out of the ceremony, causing a scene and hurting Viv.
I move to the desk in the corner of the room, the one she sat at when she wrote all those place cards.
That night feels like an eternity ago. Searching through the drawer, I find a scrap of paper and scrawl a short note on it.
Then I stick in between the pages of the book and head back into the hallway.
I can’t risk knocking on Viv’s door. Her mother and bridesmaids are all in there helping her get ready. Instead, I text Sutton, who slips out to meet me several minutes later, a concerned look on her face. She’s already dressed in a dark green gown with thin shoulder straps. “What’s wrong?”
I hand her the book and will my voice to stay steady. “Can you give this to her?”
“What is it, Cass?”
“Please? Sometime before the ceremony.”
She accepts it reluctantly. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”
“I hope so too.” I turn on my heel and head for the front door. I thought I could do this, but there’s no way I can sit through that wedding. If I try, I’ll only end up marching down the aisle and tearing her out of his arms.