54. Vivienne
Vivienne
Ifollow Marlowe into my bedroom, then shut the door and collapse against it, my breath coming in short pants.
She turns around and frowns. “Are you okay?”
“Fine,” I gasp. “I just need a minute.”
She doesn’t look convinced. “What happened back there?”
“Where?” I push away from the door and move toward my dressing table. The sooner I can busy my hands, the sooner I can forget about how my heart hit the floor when I saw Cass in the drawing room. I had no idea he was in there, or I never would’ve set foot inside.
“You know where,” Marlowe says. “Don’t think I missed the look you and Cassian shared. It was obvious as hell.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
She pushes me onto the stool and picks up a hairbrush. “And I’m the queen of Wesbourne. You know I’m not going to let this go, so you may as well tell me.”
Rolling my shoulders, I groan. Marlowe is like a dog with a bone. She won’t let this go until I share all the sordid details about Cass and me. There’s no one else around, so I tell her everything, including how my heart doesn’t even reside in my own body anymore. “I feel like a shadow of myself.”
Brushing my hair, she meets my gaze in the mirror. “What are you going to do?”
I frown. “What do you mean? I’m going to marry Landon. Why do you think we’re all here?”
She tosses the brush onto the table with a clatter and rests both hands on my shoulders. “I think you’re second-guessing your decision.”
“And what if I am?” I ask, biting my lip. I’m terrified to admit that I don’t want to do this, but whatever I decide, I’ll have to live with it for the rest of my life.
“Then I say you figure it out really quick, because the wedding starts in three hours.”
I have three hours to pull myself together. Three hours to find the strength to walk down that aisle and marry Landon. Three hours to push Cass as far from my thoughts as I can, because every second I devote to thinking about him is one more blow to my heart that I can’t handle.
The rest of the bridesmaids begin trickling in to change into their gowns and get their hair and makeup done. They’re followed by my mother, whose face would be all frown lines were it not for all the injections she gets.
“The forecast shows a 40 percent chance of rain,” she says, angling her head to see the hem of Marlowe’s dress. She shakes her head in disapproval. “Who did the customizations to your gown? It should be a half inch longer.”
“Mum, it’s fine,” I say with a sigh, but she’s already moving around the room, making sure everything is perfect.
As stylists work on my hair and makeup, I watch everything through a haze.
This is really happening. Twisting my engagement ring, I wonder what it will feel like to be Mrs. Landon Davenport.
To have a matching wedding ring on my finger, to know that for better or worse, I’m tied to the man whose name I share.
My stomach churns with nausea, and I jump out of the chair I’ve been sitting in for the past half hour. “Sorry,” I murmur to the woman applying blush to my cheeks. “I need some air.”
I pick my way across the room to the window.
After unlocking it, I throw it open and suck in several deep breaths.
It instantly calms my nerves, and I berate myself for not taking a ride this morning or, at the very least, spending time with Rhya.
Instead, I’ve been surrounded all day by preparations for a wedding I don’t even want.
Sutton approaches me as I drink in the damp autumn air. “I have something for you,” she says.
I glance down at the book she’s holding out. Wuthering Heights. A very specific copy of Wuthering Heights. “I don’t want that,” I whisper, shaking my head.
“Just take it, Viv.” She grabs my hand and forces the book into it. “I promised him.”
As my fingers close around the spine, I bite my lip to hold the tears back. I don’t want to read his note. Not now, not when it’s too late. Anything he says is only going to make things worse.
Sutton walks away, leaving me with a tiny shred of privacy in a room teeming with people. I crack the book open. A single scrap of paper is inside, just as I knew it would be. I pull it out with shaky fingers, instantly recognizing Cassian’s black scrawl.
If he loved with all the powers of his puny being, he couldn’t love you as much in eighty years as I could in a day.
I’m sorry, Vivvy, but I can’t stay. I thought I could do it, but I can’t.
I’m pretty sure watching you marry him would actually kill me.
Forgive me. I love you more than you’ll ever know. Yours always, C
Shutting my eyes, I drop the book. It hits the floor with a thump. A gentle breeze floats in through the open window, teasing my senses and making me long to be outside. I rest my head against the wall, Cass’s note still clutched in my hand.
I knew it would be disastrous to read his words, but I never dreamed it would be this bad. Quoting Heathcliff to me? What am I supposed to do with that? If he thought this would bring some kind of closure, he was wrong. I feel like I’m going to be sick.
Pushing past several people, I head for the door. If I don’t get out of here, I’m going to explode.
Sutton stops me right before I wrench it open. “Where are you going?”
I whirl on her with what I’m sure are crazy eyes. “I have to get out of here. I need air.”
She nods. “Go. We’ll cover for you.”
I don’t know how much she knows, but I don’t have time to figure it out. I have to clear my head or there won’t be a wedding.
As I burst through the front door, I wonder if Cass has already left. Part of me longs to run into him out here, to hop onto the back of his bike and let him drive me as far away as possible. Another part of me hopes he’s long gone, taking all the bittersweet memories with him.
I half run to the stables, grabbing fistfuls of my skirt to keep it from trailing on the gravel. Several staff members glance up in surprise as I rush past them, but I keep moving. Let them think the bride has gone crazy. If I don’t get out of here soon, that’s exactly what’s going to happen.
Rhya whinnies a greeting as I enter the barn. “Hey, girl,” I say, pressing my face against hers. “Sorry I can’t take you out today. The doc says you still need to rest.”
I grab a halter and move to Blaze’s stall. “Looks like it’s you and me, buddy.”
He snorts in response but holds still while I slip the tack on. I lead him into the pasture and mount him, excitement already flowing through my veins. I had no idea how much I needed this.
Blaze and I take off across the moor, my hair and wedding dress flying behind me like I’m a maiden in a Gothic romance.
As the wind whips across my body, I lift my face to the sun and let its rays kiss my cheeks.
I drink in every last drop of fresh air and sunshine.
The next few hours are going to be torture, and I’m going to need every ounce of strength I can muster.
Blaze slows to a walk, and I glance around in surprise. I wasn’t paying much attention to where we were going, but I recognize the cottage up ahead. I’m on the verge of turning around and heading back when Mateo steps outside and waves.
I nudge Blaze forward, dismounting next to Cass’s dad in an ungraceful heap of wedding dress. “Hi,” I say breathlessly.
“Vivienne.” He gives my dirty gown and bare feet an amused smirk. “Out for an afternoon ride?”
“Something like that.” My eyes drift to the house behind him, but I can’t see if Cass’s Mazda is parked outside. “Is he here?”
Mateo’s brow furrows as he shakes his head. “I haven’t seen him all day. I assumed he was up at the manor.”
Which means he’s already left. I’m not surprised. When Cass makes up his mind, nothing will stop him. When he said he was going, it wasn’t a ploy to get me to call off the wedding. He meant it.
“What’s going on, Vivienne?” Mateo asks, concern in his voice.
My eyes grow moist, and I press a fingertip to the corner of each one, doing my best not to smudge my mascara. “He’s gone.”
“What do you mean, gone?”
“I mean he left,” I say, gulping back a sob. “He wrote a note saying he can’t stick around to watch the wedding, and now he’s gone.”
I didn’t realize before how much I was relying on Cassian’s support, but now that I know he won’t be in the crowd as I say my vows, it feels as though all the strength has left my legs. There’s nothing to hold me up anymore.
“He’s in love with you,” Mateo says, “but I suspect you already know that.”
Nodding, I sniff loudly. “Yeah.”
“Forgive me if this question is inappropriate, but how do you feel about him?”
I lift my eyes and meet his gaze. “I love him, too. More than I thought possible.”
Mateo shoves his hands into the pockets of his dress pants, and I realize he must have been getting ready for the wedding when he saw me out here. “Then what are you doing getting married to someone else?”
“I have no idea,” I whisper.
“I think you do.”
I curl my numb toes in the soft grass, wishing I could hop onto Blaze’s back, ride into the wind, and never look back. “Everyone is expecting me to.”
The corners of Mateo’s mouth droop. “And what if they are? This is your decision.”
“Which I made when I agreed to marry Landon.”
“Aren’t you entitled to change your mind?”
Gazing at the ground, already growing brown from the colder days, I scrunch the fabric of my dress in my fist. “It doesn’t work like that in my family.”
He stares off into the distance. “Wouldn’t you say your family’s top priority is for you to be happy?”
“You’d think,” I mutter. “But I’m not sure that’s on their radar at all.”
“And you don’t want to disappoint them,” he suggests.
“Seems like that’s the only thing I ever do.”
A pair of turtledoves coo from an open window in the nearby shed. Their chilling call sends a shiver down my spine. How is it that even birds find happiness but it keeps eluding me time and time again?
Mateo scrubs a hand over his face the way I’ve seen Cass do a million times. “If they don’t care if you’re happy or not, why try so hard to please them?”
I blink at him. When you put it like that, it doesn’t make any sense at all. “I don’t know,” I say softly.
“Some people are always going to be unhappy. They’ll find fault with everything and everyone. They throw blame around like candy at a parade. Nothing is ever their fault, and they expect you to bend over backward to make them happy. Sound familiar?” He cocks a bushy brow as he waits for my answer.
I offer him a sad smile. “Unfortunately.”
“You can’t let people like that dictate your life, Vivienne. The more you give, the more they’ll take. If you don’t fight for your own happiness, who will?”
My heart is thumping so loudly in my chest, I can feel the vibrations all the way to my fingertips. Mateo’s right. Deep down, I’ve known this for a long time, but it’s easier to ignore the things you know are true when they’re not being thrown in your face.
“What about all the people who came? The caterers and the gifts and—”
“Vivienne.” Mateo holds up a hand. “You can’t let others’ opinions keep you from doing the right thing. If they truly care about you, they’ll want you to be happy.”
A sudden peace floods my body as I stare at him. What am I doing, standing here in a wedding dress trying to convince myself to marry a man I don’t love to please parents I’ll never make happy?
“You’re right,” I say, nodding. “I can’t do this.”
Turning, I grab Blaze’s reins from the ground. He’s been nibbling at the clover this whole time.
“What are you going to do?” Mateo asks, giving me a boost onto the horse’s back.
Pushing the hair out of my face, I grin down at him. “I’m going to stop a wedding.”