Chapter 77
For a long while, Kairi couldn't bring herself to move.
The river continued on as if nothing had happened. Muling dumaan ang parehong jogger, this time mas mabagal na, habang ang matandang lalaki sa dulo ng path ay nagbukas ng panibagong page ng hawak niyang newspaper.
Bumalik na sa normal ang mundo.
Pero si Kairi, hindi pa.
Nakatitig lang siya sa ilog, barely registering the sting in her eyes anymore. Mabigat pa rin ang dibdib niya, like every word they said earlier had its own weight, at isa-isa iyong nanatili sa loob niya, refusing to leave.
She loved me.
That thought just kept replaying in her mind.
Not love.
Loved.
Dahil hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin makapaniwala si Kairi that Gianna had loved her. And that she said it in the past tense.
Muling nagbanta ang mga luha sa kanyang mga mata, pero agad niya iyong ipinikit at huminga nang mabagal, kahit nanginginig pa rin ang paghinga niya.
She heard footsteps.
Noong una, hindi niya iyon pinansin.
"Here."
Dahan-dahan niyang iminulat ang mga mata.
Nakatayo sa harap niya si Gianna, holding out a bottle of water. The plastic was cold enough that tiny beads of condensation had already formed around it.
"You should drink," mahinang sabi ni Gianna.
Doon lang napansin ni Kairi na may isa pang unopened bottle sa kabilang kamay nito.
"When did you leave?"
A faint, almost sheepish smile crossed Gianna's face.
"You looked like you needed a minute."
Napakurap si Kairi.
Hindi man lang niya napansin na umalis si Gianna or that she'd come back.
Something tightened in her chest.
Silently, she accepted the bottle. Their fingers brushed for the briefest second before both of them instinctively pulled away.
"Thanks."
Tumango si Gianna at muling umupo sa tabi niya, leaving the same careful distance between them as before.
Ilang sandali silang parehong nanatiling tahimik.
Iniikot-ikot ni Kairi ang bottle sa kanyang mga kamay, pinapanood ang mga patak ng tubig na dahan-dahang dumudulas sa plastic.
Hindi pa rin niya binubuksan ang takip nito.
A few seconds later, Kairi looked over.
Gianna was staring absentmindedly at the river, her own bottle still in her hands. Also unopened.
For some reason, Kairi let out the smallest laugh.
Pareho silang nagulat.
Napatingin sa kanya si Gianna nang bahagyang nakataas ang mga kilay.
"What?"
Umiling si Kairi, a tired smile tugging at the corner of her lips.
"We've both been holding these for, what, a minute now?"
Tumingin si Gianna sa bottle na hawak niya bago mahinang napatawa.
"I guess we have."
It wasn't much. Just two exhausted people laughing over something completely insignificant.
But after everything that had been said, it was the first laugh that didn't hurt.
Muling bumalik ang katahimikan sa paligid nila, pero this time, it didn't feel like something that needed to be broken right away.
Sa wakas, binuksan na ni Kairi ang takip ng hawak niyang bottle at uminom nang kaunti. The cold water did little to ease the tightness in her throat, pero at least, may pinagkakaabalahan ang mga kamay niya.
After a while, nagsalita siya.
"What happens now?"
Hindi agad sumagot si Gianna.
Patuloy lang itong nakatingin sa ilog, loosely holding the bottle with both hands.
"I don't know."
Hindi iyon ang sagot na inaasahan ni Kairi.
Or maybe it was.
"I didn't really think this far," pag-amin ni Gianna with a small, tired smile. "I spent so much time wondering if I'd ever get the chance to explain myself that I never thought about what came after."
Kairi looked down at the water in her lap.
For years, she had imagined this conversation ending with certainty. Either mapapatawad niya si Gianna o hindi. Either aalis silang magkasama o hindi na sila muling magkikita.
Pero ngayon, ang tanging nararamdaman lang niya ay pagod.
"Miss, alam kong iniisip mo pa rin na you're a terrible person."
The words slipped out before she could stop them.
Agad na nanigas si Gianna sa tabi niya.
"You do," patuloy ni Kairi, this time mas mahina ang boses. "I can tell."
Muling bumalot sa kanila ang mahabang katahimikan.
"Some days are worse than others."
It wasn't a denial.
Kairi swallowed. "I don't know if I'll ever agree with you."
Gianna looked over.
"Miss, naiintindihan ko kung bakit ka umalis," sabi ni Kairi, carefully choosing each word. "I really do. But understanding it doesn't mean I think you deserved to punish yourself for years."
Ibinaba ni Gianna ang tingin niya.
"Kairi..."
"I mean it. You talk like you've been serving a sentence."
Another silence.
"I don't know how to make you stop feeling guilty."
A humorless smile touched Gianna's lips. "I don't think you can."
"Siguro nga hindi," Kairi said, looking back at the river. "But I don't want you carrying it alone anymore."
Pumikit sandali si Gianna at nang muli niyang idilat ang mga mata, her eyes were watery.
"Thank you."
Hindi agad sumagot si Kairi.
Hindi dahil wala siyang gustong sabihin, kundi dahil hindi pa siya ready na tanggapin ang gratitude ni Gianna para sa isang bagay na siya mismo ay sinusubukan pa ring intindihin.
Nagbago ang ihip ng hangin sa pagitan nila. Eventually, huminga nang malalim si Kairi.
"I need to ask you for something."
Agad na napalingon sa kanya si Gianna.
"Anything."
Halos mapangiti si Kairi.
"Don't say 'anything.'"
"Okay."
Tumingin nang maayos si Kairi kay Gianna.
"If we're going to do whatever this is..." she said as she gestured vaguely between them. "Don't disappear again. Miss, I can't go through that twice."
The color drained from Gianna's face.
"I won't."
"Miss, I need you to understand. If one day you decide you don't want me in your life anymore, please tell me."
Her voice faltered.
"Even if it hurts."
"Even if it hurts," Gianna repeated.
"Even if you think it's better for me."
Gianna's throat tightened. "I don't get to decide that."
That afternoon, pareho na nilang naintindihan ang isang bagay.
Choices.
Hindi pwedeng isa lang sa kanila ang gumagawa ng desisyon para sa kanilang dalawa.
Makalipas ang ilang sandaling katahimikan, si Gianna naman ang nagsalita.
"Can I ask you something?"
Kairi gave a small nod.
"Would it be alright if we talked again?" maingat na tanong ni Gianna at nang makita niyang nakatitig lang sa kanya si Kairi, agad siyang nagpatuloy. "I don't mean tomorrow or next week. Kahit kailan ka ready."
She paused, lowering her eyes for a moment before forcing herself to continue. "And if you decide you never want to see me again, I'll respect that."
Matagal siyang pinagmasdan ni Kairi.
Before, Gianna had made every decision for both of them, believing na pinoprotektahan niya si Kairi by choosing for her.
Now, she wasn't asking for forgiveness. She was asking for permission.
Hindi nito mabubura ang lahat ng nangyari, pero it mattered.
"Yeah."
Gianna looked up so quickly Kairi almost smiled.
"I'd like that, Miss."
The relief that crossed Gianna's face was almost painful to witness. Hindi iyon excitement, not hope. It was simply the expression of someone who had already prepared herself to hear no and somehow, had survived hearing yes instead.
By then, afternoon had slipped toward evening.
Hindi nila namalayan kung gaano na pala ka-empty ang park. Matagal nang umuwi ang matandang lalaking may hawak na newspaper and the shadows of the trees stretched farther across the pathways as a cooler breeze drifted through the air.
Eventually, tumayo na rin sila.
Magkasabay silang naglakad papunta sa exit, neither of them wanted to rush what little time they still had.
Nang makarating sila sa sidewalk sa labas ng park, muling huminto si Gianna.
"Can I ask one more thing?"
Napalingon si Kairi sa kanya.
"Can I take you home?" Gianna asked gently. Walang expectation sa boses niya, only quiet concern. "You've been crying for almost two hours."
Despite everything, hindi napigilan ni Kairi ang isang maliit na tawa.
"So have you."
Mahinang natawa si Gianna at pinunasan ang gilid ng kanyang mata.
"That's true."
For a brief moment, Kairi simply looked at her.
Three years ago, she would've agreed without hesitation.
Ngayon, pinag-isipan niya muna because she could. Dahil this time, no one was deciding for her. This time, the choice belonged entirely to her.
"Okay."
The smile that appeared on Gianna's face remained small. Almost frightened to become anything larger.
"Okay," ulit ni Kairi.
Then they started walking again.
For the next several minutes, neither of them said anything.
Nagbago na ang katahimikan sa pagitan nila.
Earlier, every quiet moment had felt dangerous, parang isang maling salita lang ay pwedeng muling magbukas ng mga sugat na ngayon lang nila nagawang ilabas nang hindi tuluyang sinisira ang isa't isa.
Now, it was different.
Still unfamiliar and fragile, pero hindi na sila takot dito.
Magkatabi silang naglakad sa path, neither of them too close. Neither of them pulling away. Beside the path, the river reflected the fading light of the setting sun.
The park looked different now. Or maybe they were the ones who had changed.
Maybe because it wasn't just the place where they had reunited anymore. Ito na rin ang lugar kung saan, sa wakas, nasabi na nila sa isa't isa ang katotohanan.
Matagal na nanatili sa isip ni Kairi ang thought na iyon hanggang sa bigla niyang basagin ang katahimikan.
"Zoe and Maya are probably going to interrogate me."
Napalingon si Gianna sa kanya bago napatawa nang bahagya.
"I disappeared for hours after telling them na magkikita tayo," pagpapatuloy ni Kairi nang may kaunting ngiti sa labi. "Fore sure, naghihintay na sila."
"Are they that protective?"
Kairi gave her a look that answered the question before she even spoke.
"You have no idea."
Muling natawa si Gianna, the sound carrying an ease that hadn't existed between them all afternoon.
"I think I deserve that."
"Probably."
Simple lang ang sagot ni Kairi, pero wala nang galit sa boses niya and that somehow hurt more dahil doon napagtanto ni Kairi na hindi niya gustong parusahan si Gianna.
For years, she had imagined this moment. Iniisip niya kung ano ang sasabihin niya, lahat ng galit na ilalabas niya, at lahat ng masasakit na salitang matagal na niyang gustong sabihin.
Pero ngayong nasa tabi na niya si Gianna, looking just as exhausted and broken as she felt, Kairi didn't want revenge.
She simply wished those years had never been lost.
They reached the end of the path where the sidewalk led toward the street, and for a moment, pareho silang huminto.
Tumingin si Kairi sa paligid, suddenly aware of how close they were to leaving.
Earlier, buong araw niyang iniisip kung may mababago ba ang pag-uusap nilang ito.
Now that it was ending, doon niya lang napagtanto na hindi pa pala siya ready na matapos ito.
Mukhang napansin din iyon ni Gianna.
"I parked nearby," she said softly.
Kairi nodded and they continued walking.
Ilang minuto lang ang layo ng sasakyan, pero neither of them rushed. Hindi rin nila pinilit punuin ang katahimikan just because they were afraid of it.
When they reached the car, Gianna unlocked it bago pumunta sa passenger side at huminto siya roon, one hand resting lightly against the door, bago muling tumingin kay Kairi.
"Are you sure?"
Bahagyang kumunot ang noo ni Kairi. "About what?"
"About me taking you home."
Wala nang ibang sinabi si Gianna pagkatapos noon.
Hindi siya nangulit. Hindi siya nag-explain pa. She simply waited.
Three years ago, she would've convinced herself na alam niya kung ano ang best para sa kanilang dalawa. She would've made the decision alone and carried it without ever giving Kairi a choice.
But now, she refused to take even a single step Kairi hadn't chosen herself.
Matagal siyang tiningnan ni Kairi bago siya bahagyang tumango.
"Yeah. I'm sure."
Something softened in Gianna's expression, gratitude replacing the uncertainty that had lingered there moments ago.
"Okay."
Tahimik ang naging drive nila.
Whenever they reached an unfamiliar turn, tahimik na itinuturo ni Kairi kung saan liliko, and Gianna followed her directions without asking unnecessary questions.
Kairi rested her head lightly against the window, watching streetlights blur across the glass alongside her faint reflection.
Hindi pa rin niya alam kung ano na ba sila ngayon o kung ano ang mangyayari bukas.
Hindi niya alam kung magiging madali ba para sa kanyang patawarin si Gianna or if forgiveness would ever come at all.
But for the first time in years, hindi na siya nagdadala ng mga tanong na walang sagot.
When Gianna pulled over in front of Kairi's apartment building, neither of them moved right away. The engine continued humming softly, filling the silence between them.
Eventually, inabot ni Kairi ang door handle pero bigla rin siyang huminto.
"Thank you."
Gianna turned toward her.
"For today," Kairi added.
Sandaling nagkatitigan ang dalawa bago bahagyang tumango si Gianna.
"Thank you for letting me explain."
Kairi looked down.
It wasn't forgiveness yet, but it was something.
Lumabas siya ng kotse at marahang isinara ang pinto bago muling tumingin kay Gianna.
"Goodnight, Miss Herrera."
The familiar title made something flicker across Gianna's face. It wasn't quite pain nor disappointment. It felt more like acceptance, a reminder na may distansya pa rin sa pagitan nilang dalawa na hindi basta-basta mawawala in one afternoon.
"Goodnight, Kairi."
Tumalikod na si Kairi at naglakad papunta sa entrance ng apartment building.
Hindi siya agad lumingon. Part of her was afraid that if she did, the car would already be gone, that after everything they had shared that day, Gianna would disappear from her life all over again.
Only when she reached the entrance did she glance over her shoulder.
Nandoon pa rin si Gianna.
The car remained parked by the curb and she was still watching, waiting until Kairi made it safely inside.
Their eyes met one last time. Kairi gave the smallest nod and Gianna returned it just as quietly.
Only after tuluyang makapasok si Kairi sa loob ng building did Gianna finally look away.
Only then did the car slowly pull away into the evening.