Chapter 78
Hindi namalayan ni Gianna kung gaano na siya katagal na nakaupo sa loob ng kotse niya.
She wasn't avoiding going inside.
At least, iyon ang sinabi niya sa sarili niya.
She just needed a few more minutes to process everything.
Hours ago pa natapos ang pag-uusap nila ni Kairi, pero parang nakaupo pa rin siya sa tabi ng ilog. Naririnig pa rin niya ang boses ni Kairi. Nakikita pa rin niya kung paano nagbago ang expression nito nang aminin niyang nandoon siya sa graduation nito.
And she still remembered the question that had hurt more than anything else.
If you really loved me, why didn't you trust me enough to stay?
For years, kinumbinsi ni Gianna ang sarili niya na pinoprotektahan niya si Kairi. She had never stopped to consider that what she had called protection might have felt like abandonment to the person she was trying to save.
Eventually, pinilit na niyang bumaba ng kotse at umakyat sa condo.
Pagkabukas pa lang niya ng pinto, agad niyang napansin ang wine bottle sa ibabaw ng table.
Ella was already on the sofa, one leg tucked underneath her, a glass in her hand and another one waiting across from her.
Gianna stopped just inside the doorway.
"Seriously?"
Napatingin sa kanya si Ella with an innocent expression. "What?"
Isinara ni Gianna ang pinto sa likod niya, ibinaba ang keys sa counter, at tinitigan ang bottle ng wine.
"We were drinking last night."
"And?"
"And you're already drinking again? What, was your birthday party not enough? Did we somehow fail to finish all the alcohol?"
Ella rolled her eyes. "You disappeared for half the night. You don't get to judge my drinking habits."
Isang mahinang tawa ang kumawala kay Gianna.
Maikli lang iyon, pero napansin agad ni Ella.
"Oh? You laughed."
Gianna shot her a look. "Don't make it weird."
"I'm not making it weird," sagot ni Ella, grinning as she lifted her glass. "Ang sinasabi ko lang, I wasn't sure na naaalala mo pa kung paano tumawa."
"You're dramatic, Ella."
"I learned from watching you the past few weeks."
Agad nawala ang ngiti sa mukha ni Gianna.
Ella regretted the joke the moment it left her mouth. Lumambot ang expression niya at itinuro ang bakanteng puwesto sa tabi niya.
"Come here."
Hindi na nakipagtalo si Gianna. Lumapit siya at umupo sa tabi ni Ella, accepting the glass her friend offered.
For a while, neither of them spoke.
Hindi na kailangan.
Matagal nang kilala ni Ella si Gianna para malaman kung kailan kailangan nitong magsalita at kung kailan mas mabuting hayaan muna itong maghanap ng sarili nitong mga salita.
Eventually, mahinang nagtanong si Ella.
"So?"
Gianna stared into the wine swirling gently inside her glass.
"So."
Tumingin si Ella sa kanya. "I mean it. How did it go?"
Gianna's fingers tightened around the glass.
"It hurt."
"I know."
"She thought I regretted her."
Natigilan si Ella. "What do you mean?"
"She thought I left because I regretted being with her."
"Sinabi mo ba sa kanya ang totoo?"
Gianna nodded. "I did. I told her I loved her."
"And?"
A faint, tired breath escaped her.
"She believed me."
Hindi agad nagsalita si Ella.
Gianna looked down at her glass. "And that kind of made it worse."
"Because you finally understood how much it hurt her?"
Bahagyang umiling si Gianna.
"Because I looked at her and realized she'd spent years believing she wasn't enough. That she wasn't worth staying for."
Ella's expression softened.
"I know you never wanted her to think that."
"I didn't." Saglit na natigil si Gianna. "But I would've preferred if she hated me."
"Why?"
"If she hated me, at least she'd know she mattered. At least she'd believe I left because I was trying to do something, even if I failed."
Her voice grew quieter.
"But thinking I left because I didn't love her? Because she wasn't enough? I can't live with that."
Ella studied her for a moment.
"So what happens now?"
Gianna gave a small shake of her head. "I don't know."
"Gianna."
"It's the truth."
"I know. But I don't think you're only talking about Kairi."
Agad na umiwas ng tingin si Gianna.
"You finally got the chance to explain yourself," pagpapatuloy ni Ella. "Alam na niya kung bakit ka umalis. She knows you loved her. And she asked you not to disappear again."
Gianna's throat tightened.
"I promised her I wouldn't."
"Then keep that promise."
A tired smile touched Gianna's lips.
"You make it sound simple."
"Well, it isn't," Ella said before taking another sip. "But there's something na kailangan mong maintindihan. You leaving before and you leaving now aren't the same thing."
Gianna looked at her.
"Before, you made the decision for both of you. You disappeared because you thought that was what was best for her."
Ella's voice softened.
"This time, you're going back to your life. That doesn't mean you're abandoning her."
Gianna remained quiet.
Years ago, she had walked away from everything because she believed loving Kairi meant carrying the pain herself. She had convinced herself that if she made the difficult choice, Kairi wouldn't have to.
But Kairi had never asked her to make that choice.
She had only wanted to be trusted.
"I have a week," Gianna finally said.
Ella frowned. "Only a week?"
Tumango si Gianna.
"I already took more time away from work than I should have. I can't keep extending it forever."
"I know you have work. Hindi ba masyadong mabilis? You just got her back."
Gianna's fingers tightened around the glass.
"That's the problem," she said, turning toward the window. "Before today, I could tell myself that leaving was the right thing. That she'd be better without me. Na eventually, she'd move on and that was what mattered."
She swallowed.
"But now I know she didn't move on the way I thought she did."
Ella said nothing.
"I heard her ask what she did wrong. I heard her ask why I didn't trust her enough to stay." Gianna's voice faltered. "And now I have to go back to my life."
"You're afraid that going back means you're doing it all over again."
Gianna looked at her. "Yes."
Ella leaned back against the sofa.
"But you're not. You're not disappearing. You're not cutting her out. You're not deciding kung ano ang kaya at hindi niya kayang i-handle."
A long silence followed.
Then—
"I want to stay."
Ella waited.
"I want to see her again. I want to know what she's doing. I want to hear her complain about Zoe and Maya interrogating her. I want..."
She stopped.
Ella didn't need her to finish.
Gianna wanted the ordinary things.
The things she had spent years convincing herself she no longer deserved.
"But I can't just stay because I want to," she continued. "Not without thinking about what happens after."
"Because you don't know what you are to each other now."
"Exactly."
"So what are you going to do with the week?"
Gianna looked down at her glass.
"I want to see her again. Not just once. I don't want our last conversation to be the one where everything hurts."
"Then puntahan mo siya."
"But I don't want to pretend everything is okay."
"And you shouldn't."
Gianna looked at her.
"I need to tell her that I'm leaving. Pero hindi ko talaga alam kung paano. How do I tell her na finally, I came back, and now I'm leaving again?"
"You tell her the truth."
Gianna let out a quiet breath.
"That's what I did today. And it hurt, Ella."
"Of course it dd," Ella said, leaning forward slightly. "You were talking about years of pain. There was never going to be an easy version of that conversation."
Gianna looked down.
"But she stayed and listened. And she asked you not to disappear again. So trust that."
Gianna nodded slowly.
"I don't want to tell her on the last day. It'll feel like I'm giving her one week of hope just to take it away."
"Then don't wait until the last day."
Gianna frowned.
"When should I tell her? After I see her a few more times? Maybe when things don't feel so..."
"Fragile?"
Gianna nodded.
Ella considered her words before answering.
"Just be careful."
"With what?"
"With trying to protect her sa mga posibleng makasakit sa kanya."
Gianna went still.
"That's what got you here in the first place," Ella continued. "You kept deciding what would hurt her less instead of letting her decide what she could handle."
She had spent years believing that loving Kairi meant carrying the pain herself. Making the difficult choices. Removing the burden of choosing from someone else.
But maybe that had never been love.
Maybe it had been fear disguised as love.
"I promised her I wouldn't disappear again," Gianna said quietly. "But it's more complicated than that."
Ella lifted her glass.
"Complicated doesn't mean you get to run. Again."
Gianna gave her an irritated look.
"You're very annoying."
"I know."
"Did you practice being this annoying?"
"No. Watching you for weeks gave me enough material."
Muling natawa si Gianna.
This time, mas tumagal nang kaunti ang tawa niya.
Napansin iyon ni Ella, pero hindi na siya nag-comment.
Instead, she looked toward the window.
"Spend the week with Kairi. Hindi dahil nagpapanggap ka na you're staying forever. Not because you're making promises you can't keep. Just be there."
Gianna listened.
"Let her have the choice you took away from her before."
That was the part she was still learning.
Loving Kairi did not mean deciding what would hurt less.
Sometimes, loving someone meant allowing them to choose, even when their answer scared you.
"I'll talk to her," Gianna finally said.
Ella nodded.
"But when?"
Gianna glanced at the wine in her hands.
"Soon."
This time, hindi na siya pinilit ni Ella.
Outside, the city continued moving, unaware of the two people inside who had spent years trying to fix something that could only be repaired by finally being honest.
Gianna lifted her glass.
"To telling the truth."
Ngumiti si Ella at itinaas din ang kanya.
"To telling the truth."
And the glasses touched softly.