Chapter Thirteen
Thanh
I trailed in the wake of Jax’s bad temper on the way back to his quarters. He didn’t speak when we got there, just marched into the bathroom and locked the door. A few seconds later, the shower turned on and that was that.
I wanted to know what the hell the story was with Sherrod, more than the crumbs I’d been given. Because if this was going to be a problem, I needed to know how to handle them both.
As if this all wasn’t complicated enough.
I opened the drawers in the closet and found a selection of night clothes ranging from barely-there lingerie to cozy pajama sets in the same soft cotton like material as my underwear. I chose a red set and slipped into them, more than ready to sleep. The past few days were catching up with me, and my usual sleep schedule that I maintained on the Intrepid was completely shot to hell. I had no idea what time it was on Narrou, but my internal clock was telling me that it was well past time to rest.
But when I left the closet, the problem of sleep hit me square in the face.
We had one bed.
“You know what you could do…”
Nope.
“Oh come on! I bet his morning wood is spectacular.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose, not sure who was conjuring the image of Jax’s dick, me or Tohm-Tohm. Either way, I didn’t want to dwell on it because yeah, I kinda wanted to ride that thick cock even if I would hate myself for it after.
It’s just going to complicate things further. And after that meeting, I really don’t want to be another one of his exes.
“I think it’s a little late for that, don’t you? After the finger riding I mean?”
“Shit,” I breathed. “You’re right…fuck!”
“Who’s right about what and why is it making you so mad?” Jax asked, standing in a loose pair of pants, toweling off his hair.
I’d never seen him look so disheveled. Nor had I ever allowed myself to get a good look at his huge, chiseled chest and abs. I knew Jax was enormous, even for a Zorestran. But seeing him shirtless, with the muscles on full display, he looked like he was carved from a giant slab of blue stone.
“Yum.”
Stop. It.
“Nothing,” I said, “just…we only have one bed.”
“Right,” he said, swallowing, “well, I could sleep on the couch.”
It was the right choice but I hated it.
“No. I mean, we’re adults right, we can share a bed without…”
He arched an eyebrow and leaned on the door frame.
“Without…what?”
“You know.”
He chuckled and sauntered over to me.
The lights were low, and we were both in pajamas, in his bedroom. It was intimate, cozy even. And I wasn’t ready for the playful gleam in his eyes when he chucked me under the chin and stood close enough for me to drink in the citrus leather smell of him.
“Squeamish, princess?”
“Not at all, I just…we need to maintain some level of professionalism.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” he said, running his fingers across my cheeks.
The fingers I’d had inside me a few hours ago.
I closed my eyes, breaths coming too fast, body too hot. I was quickly losing control of this situation and I needed to get it back before I shoved him onto the bed and rode him like a new sky bike.
“Tell me what happened with Sherrod,” I said.
The spell didn’t just break. It shattered into a dangerous obstacle course.
His gaze, so open and seductive one minute, hardened into a slate of fury the moment the words were out of my mouth. Jax stalked into the sitting room, fists clenched and body tight. I followed him, trying to ignore Tohm-Tohm’s swearing in my head.
“I need to know,” I insisted as Jax downed something from his bar.
“No, you don’t. It doesn’t have anything to do with the mission.”
“It does if it compromises your judgement.”
“And how would it do that? I don’t give a shit about him.”
“Yes you do.”
He turned a murderous glare my way but I wasn’t afraid of him. Somehow, in spite of our past, I did know that he wasn’t going to harm me any more than he already had.
“He hurt you,” I said, “and you’re still carrying that around. He’s already thrown you off and I need to know how to help. That’s what I’m here for. Partners, remember?”
He snorted.
“I thought you were here because you didn’t have a choice.”
“That too. But I’m invested in this now, and I –”
“He betrayed me, put my family in danger and didn’t care about anyone but himself. I…trusted him, more than I’ve ever trusted anyone aside from my parents.”
“So you feel guilty, for putting them in danger.”
“Among other things,” he admitted.
“Do you still love him?”
The question stuck in my throat, stoking a jealousy I wasn’t liking one bit. I had to know for the mission though…right?
“No. Not even close.”
“You hate him then.”
“No. Hate is too tame for what I feel. It’s…”
“Your first heartbreak,” I said, not sure why I wanted to hold him just then.
“Yeah, I guess so.”
I went to him slowly and took his hand in mine. It swallowed my smaller one and I liked it in a way I shouldn’t have. The tension in his arms unwound the longer our hands touched, and he pulled me closer.
“You are so confusing,” he whispered, raising our entwined hands. “You hate me, yet you can’t help but touch me, comfort me.”
“I don’t mean to confuse you.” I licked my lips and he followed my tongue like a predator stalking prey. “I…I think it’s the mission, too much time together, no way to get some space.”
“Is that what it is?”
He turned my hand up and leaned down, his mouth scorching a trail from my palm to my wrist. I gasped, my entire body going up in flames.
“Nothing else?” he asked against the inside of my forearm. “No other reason that you want me to touch you?” His mouth made its way to the crook of my elbow. “That you want my mouth on you?”
“I don’t,” I breathed.
“Liar.”
“I…don’t know why.”
“Me either.” His mouth skated over the fabric of my pajama shirt to my shoulder. “You don’t trust me, but you want to fuck me.”
“No…that’s…I…”
“Why don’t you trust me?” he breathed into my ear. “What did I do?”
Fire and smoke, the beep of the shuttle, and the terror of the crash seconds before I blacked out.
It snapped me out of the lust that Jax had wound around my mind.
I shoved him back, with less anger than I felt.
“You know why,” I said, hating how jagged my voice sounded.
“I wouldn’t ask if I did.”
“Then that’s your problem.”
He stared at me before a bitter laugh fell from his mouth.
“You want me to trust you with my past, with some of the most difficult, terrible things that ever happened to me. But you won’t come clean about why you’ve hated me this whole time? That’s a very big double standard, wouldn’t you say?”
It was, inescapably so.
If he wants me to say it, if he wants to be confronted with what he did, then fine.
But when I opened my mouth, the words stuck in my throat. I couldn’t get them out, the simple sentence that I’d rehearsed so many times, pictured flinging in his face: You caused the crash that ruined my life.
“Fine,” he snorted, throwing up his hands. “Keep your secrets, I don’t give a fuck. But don’t expect me to open up to you. I don’t owe you anything other than what we need for the mission.”
He stomped past me to the bed while I once again tried, and failed, to say it.
Why couldn’t I say it?
When he came near me again, Jax had a pillow and blanket under his arm. Before he stormed into the adjoining room he turned to glare at me.
“I need some sleep, goodnight, Thanh.”
I swallowed, guilt gnawing at me. He deserved an answer didn’t he?
“Jax…”
“I don’t want to hear it, not now. Just…go to bed.”
“Okay…goodnight.”
My feet were leaden as I closed the door. The bed, which I had been looking forward to cuddling up in, was cold and lonely in the dark. I tossed and turned, tempted to go out and finish this argument when a fitful sleep finally took me under.
Blink.
There’s weird light…and what am I looking at?
There are voices…muffled…low.
“She’s…symbiote…taking it well…”
“Good. Prep for…and don’t tell…”
“What about the…not stable…and the death toll?”
“No one needs…she’ll distract them.”
Blink.
I moan because something is pressing on me.
“She’s coming out of it.”
“Increase dose.”
I try to say ‘no’, something is wrong, everything hurts…
Blink.
Screaming.
All around.
But I can’t open my eyes at first.
When I do, everything is out of focus, there’s only strange lights.
Someone is screaming in rage.
Someone is screaming in terror.
Then they are silent.
“We have to get her out of here!”
“Leave her, that psycho is going to…ah!”
Someone is touching me, moving my body and I realize I’m seeing the floor.
I’m on my stomach.
Why can’t I move my legs? I can feel them.
Why can’t I move my arms? I can feel them too.
I strain against something holding them.
“Don’t move you’ll…oh god, oh no!”
Footsteps run and I’m not moving anymore.
“Help…” I croak out. “Help….me.”
Heavy breathing, someone is here.
But I don’t think I’m saved.
Blink.
He laughs and then…
Fire down my spine and something in the back of my mind is screaming in agony.
And then I’m the one pouring pain out from my lips.
Blink .
Warm, stickiness trickles down my sides.
I've been stabbed.
And then blaster fire.
Blink.
Agony scorches down my spine.
“He cut some of the tendrils, this thing is barely hanging on.”
“Help…me…” I sob.
The fire doesn’t stop.
Blink.
The lights are fading.
Blink.
But the needles are sharp.
Blink.
And they’re all over me.
Blink.
“Help.”
Blink.
“Help…help.”
Blink.
“Help!”
I woke up shrieking, covered in sweat, with the sheets tangled in my legs. I didn’t know where I was and at first, I thought I saw the weird lights from the dream, that I felt the needles in my back and neck.
“Thanh,” a voice said.
I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head violently.
Hands were on my arms and I thrashed to get them off me.
“It’s okay, it’s just me!”
“No…no, I’m…no more! No more needles!”
“Okay, absolutely, no more needles. You’re safe.”
I whimpered and began to rock back and forth. Through my rough breathing I thought I heard someone humming. Somehow, it started to calm me and my breathing quieted.
After an interminable amount of time, the humming soothed me enough to recognize that it was coming from the person next to me. I could remember where I was now.
“Jax…” I croaked.
“Yeah, it’s me. No one is going to hurt you, I swear it.”
“They already did.”
I dared to open my eyes and when mine met his, I realized that for the first time since I started having these dreams, there was someone here with me. I had never trusted anyone to spend the night with me, or have me as a roommate. Tohm-Tohm always retreated when I woke up, dealing with it in his own way and so I was always alone after every nightmare. To survive, I would force myself to compartmentalize it because there was no one there to catch the pieces if I fell apart.
Until now.
First the whisper of a sob escaped me. Then a crackling snap of sound broke the damn and I leaned into Jax’s waiting arms.
I didn’t care that I was howling and ugly crying, that he was seeing the worst and weakest parts of me. All I cared about were the strong arms holding me as I shattered, the soft voice whispering to let it all go, that I was safe.
It didn’t matter why I believed him, how incongruent it was. All that mattered was that he was giving me peace, that he was taking some of the torment, fear and rage that had collected like rot on my soul, without judgment.
When I could breathe again without crying, my body was lighter than I could remember in a very long time. I was spent, but in the best possible way.
I opened my eyes to find myself cradled on Jax’s lap, my head resting on his warm, bare chest, and his cheek was pressed to the top of my head. Once again, he was humming that tune and just barely rocking me. It was peaceful here and I didn’t want to move and destroy it.
So I snuggled in against him, a little surprised that there was no self-recrimination from the part of me that had resolved to hate this male for all eternity. Instead, it was the most natural thing in the world to let him hold me tighter.
“Thank you,” I whispered. “I’ve never…thank you.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No, maybe someday but not tonight.”
Jax nodded and planted a soft kiss to the top of my head. With ease, he laid me back on the bed and tucked the covers around me.
“I’m just right out there, I’ll come if you call.”
But before he could take a step, my hand seized his and I shook my head.
“Don’t go.”
Jax hesitated.
“I just…I don’t want to be alone.”
I hated how small my voice sounded, how naked I felt. Not only had no one ever seen me after a nightmare, but I’d also never asked anyone to stay the night with me. In truth, after my accident, I’d always kicked my lovers out. Sleeping next to anyone was too vulnerable, too intimate. So I didn’t understand why the thought of Jax leaving sent panic searing through me, but it did. All I could think of was how empty the bed would be, how cold and lonely. In the dark of this night, I only knew that I needed him.
“Please,” I whispered, “I know it’s complicated but I…”
“Of course I’ll stay,” he said, a tiny bit of rasp in his voice.
It’s because he’s tired…that’s all.
I scooted over to the middle of the bed and Jax slipped in behind me. The dip of the mattress, the heat of his body behind me was immediately comforting. It was childish, but I knew if he was here with me, then I’d be safe for the rest of the night.
“Could you…hold me?”
The request shocked me as much as it likely did him, and I couldn’t bear to turn around and look at him. After our fight, I knew that he had every right to deny me this comfort. But Jax wasn’t vindictive or cruel. He curled his arm around my waist and brought me flush to him. A heaviness loosened in my chest, causing my eyes to burn with relieved tears.
“Is this okay?” he asked.
“Yes,” I answered, looking at him over my shoulder.
His face was very close, and it would be easy for him to kiss me, to let his hand slide up my shirt. But he didn’t do any of that. He just smiled down at me and laid his head on his pillow, his hand resting on my stomach like it belonged there. Without even thinking about it, I threaded my fingers between his and settled in on the same pillow. His warmth and strength wrapped around me, filling the empty places where the ghosts of the past had been exorcised.