Chapter 5
ELLIE
“Breathe,” Trisha murmurs in my ear. “Just breathe.”
“How am I supposed to breathe?” I hiss in an undertone, not wanting Lucas to hear me. He seems to be distracted by the monarch butterfly he’s chasing around, but the kid has an uncanny ability to pick up on things he shouldn’t have.
“My one-night-stand bar hook-up is here. He met my kid, Trisha! And now we’re supposed to have a meal with him?”
She rolls her eyes. “Thanks for the recap. Not like I was standing right there next to you.”
I glare at my cousin. “This is all your fault, you know.”
“Why is it my fault?”
“If you hadn’t spilled that drink on me, none of this would have happened.”
She gives me a knowing look. “Are you telling me you wish you could take it back? That night with Jonah?”
My shoulders slump. Do I wish things had turned out differently? Yes. Do I still feel guilty that I was busy being slutty while my kid was home afraid? Absolutely.
But would I take it back? If given the choice, would I really rather have not had that time with him?
I haven’t had a moment like that in…well, never. I’ve never felt that way with a guy. Certainly not with my ex. Jonah is the only person I’ve ever met who made me feel so alive.
“This is going to be fine,” my cousin says in a confident tone.
I’m grateful that she didn’t push me on her question.
I think we both know what my answer would be.
“We’ll eat some food and enjoy the nice weather.
” She waggles her eyebrows at me. “And the scenery.” Then she leans over to whisper. “By scenery I mean the hot man meat.”
“Don’t say man meat,” I groan, pushing her shoulder.
She grabs my arm. “Seriously, Ellie. Did you know that there were two of them?”
“He mentioned he had brothers. But not a twin.”
She sighs dreamily. “It’s really not fair. One of those guys is dangerous enough, but two?” She fans her face. “Who allowed that?”
“Down, girl.” Up ahead, Lucas gives an excited shout as he discovers an ant hill on the path. I grin in spite of the worry swirling in my belly. If everyone else had even a fraction of his joy and enthusiasm for the smaller things in life, the world would be a much better place.
Just like that, my eyes fill. My little boy is nothing short of a miracle. How someone could spend the first years of his precious life with Kevin for a father and turn out so sweet and innocent, I’ll never understand.
I blink rapidly but Trisha notices my wet eyes anyhow.
It’s not like she isn’t used to it. I’ve been a crying mess ever since we showed up in town.
I have to work so hard to keep it together when I’m with Lucas and it sometimes feels like all the pain and fear builds up until it can’t help but escape the minute I have the smallest break from him.
“Lucas was right, you know,” she murmurs. “He won’t hurt you here.”
“But how fucked up is it that Lucas even said that? He’s only five, Trisha. He shouldn’t have to understand things like this.”
“You’re right,” she agrees. “But the situation is what the situation is. You can’t go back and change the last six years. All you can do is provide the safest, happiest place for him now.
I nod, wiping at my eyes. “I just feel so inadequate, you know?”
“Stop that right now,” she demands. “You’re the bravest, most loving person I know. That kid is lucky to have you.”
I don’t bother arguing with her but I know the truth. I’m the lucky one. Being a mother to that little boy is the luckiest thing that could have happened to me.
“Hey, Jonah!” Lucas calls out suddenly. “Hey, Sawyer!”
I look over my shoulder to see the men approaching. And God, Trisha had a point. It really does seem unfair to have two men that absurdly gorgeous in one small town.
“Would it be inappropriate to stick my tongue down that man’s throat in front of your five-year-old?” Trisha mutters, and I stomp down on her foot just as the guys arrive.
“Your basketball is bigger than mine,” Lucas says, staring up at the two tall men.
I’m not sure I like the look in his eyes at all.
It’s almost like hero worship, despite the fact that he only met them a few minutes ago.
“Will you still teach me how to dunk? My mom played basketball in high school. Did you? Do you have a basketball hoop on your garage? The house next to us has a basketball hoop on their garage. We don’t have one.
Mrs. Freeman says I can come over and use hers though.
I want to be a good basketball player like my mom. She was her team captain.”
“Take a breath, buddy,” I say, placing a hand on his shoulder. But a look at the twins shows them both grinning down at my boy. I’m annoyed when my tummy swoops. Listen up, folks, I tell the butterflies in my belly. We’re not getting all excited just because a hot guy is being nice to our kid.
The butterflies don’t listen. Especially not when Lucas grabs Jonah and Sawyer by the hand to start pulling them towards the food truck in the parking lot.
It’s not unusual—my kid is best friends with basically everyone he meets.
That innocent, sweet trust is one of the things I love best about him.
It also scares the shit out of me. Because I know better than anyone that putting your faith in another person can ruin your life. And it’s usually too late before you realize you trusted the wrong one.
At least I won’t have to worry about lunch being filled with awkward silences, not with Lucas around.
By the time we have our food—corndogs for Jonah and Lucas and tacos for Sawyer, Trisha and me—he’s told the boys all about his teacher, the kids in his class, his bedroom at our new house, and what kind of dog he wants if he can convince me to get one.
“Never a quiet moment in your life, huh?” Jonah asks as we follow the others to a picnic table.
I laugh. “Hardly ever. It was so crazy when he first started preschool. The house was so quiet it felt eerie. I used to have to turn the TV on in the background when he was gone just to have some noise.”
Jonah is silent for a moment, but I can feel his gaze on the side of my face. “You didn’t tell me about him,” he finally says, his voice soft.
I force a chuckle. “We didn’t really talk about personal stuff that night, Jonah.” We didn’t really talk at all. The whole thing had been about lust, nothing else.
At least, that’s what I had been trying to tell myself ever since, every time I felt insane for missing him so much. How could you miss someone that you didn’t actually know?
“Ellie,” he begins, his voice far too intense for my liking. Luckily, I’m saved from answering by Lucas, who has now reached the picnic table and is loudly demanding ketchup for his corndog.
“I love corndogs,” Lucas announces once we’re all seated and situated with our food. “One time, Mom took me to a circus and I ate three whole corndogs!”
“Nice,” Jonah says, holding out his hand for a fist bump. Lucas reciprocates, his eyes wide and gleeful, like nothing has ever been so exciting as bumping fists with this guy. My chest clenches painfully at yet another reminder that my kid doesn’t have a consistent male presence in his life.
“I think stick based foods are more fun in general,” Sawyer says thoughtfully. “You’ve got your popsicles, your caramel apples.”
“Cake pops,” Trisha agrees.
“Kebabs,” Jonah suggests. “Heck, even cheese tastes better when you get to stab it with a toothpick first.”
“Cheese on a toothpick?” Lucas asks, laughing. “I’ve never had that!”
“I guess it’s kind of a cocktail party thing,” Jonah says, and I try not to think about how much it hurts my chest to see the way he smiles at my little boy.
We spend most of lunch trying to think of different foods that could work in stick form, Lucas’s suggestions getting increasingly sillier the longer we chat.
He finishes his food before the rest of us are even halfway through, which means he’s bouncing around the table like a little ping pong ball in no time.
The kid simply can’t stand still when he doesn’t have a specific task to do.
“I can’t remember ever having that much energy,” Sawyer says, watching Lucas, who seems to be trying to see how long he can jump on one foot. I notice Trisha nudging Jonah’s twin and they seem to share a meaningful look. Suddenly, Trisha stands, brushing some crumbs off her jeans.
“I think someone needs to work off some energy,” she says.
“Good idea,” Sawyer agrees, also standing. “Hey, Lucas. You want to go hit the monkey bars while your mom finishes eating?”
“Oh, you don’t have to—” I begin, but Lucas is already jumping around in excitement.
“Can I, Mom? Can I please?”
“We’ll take him,” Trisha says firmly, giving me a pointed look. “You stay here. Relax for a minute.” Her eyebrows twitch. “Enjoy some adult conversation.”
Before I can protest, she and Sawyer are already leading Lucas away from the table. I watch as my kid sprints toward the playground, shaking my head.
“That was pretty transparent,” Jonah says next to me, sounding amused.
I look over at him and sigh. “My cousin is annoying.”
He chuckles, the sound low and close to my ear. “I think my brother is equally to blame.” He shifts a little closer on the bench. “Not that I’m complaining. I was hoping to have the chance to talk to you.”
Do not think about how good he smells, I order myself. And for the love of God, stop looking at his lips.
It’s hard, though. Honestly, it had been difficult to ignore him even with the distraction of Lucas a few feet away.
Now that it’s just the two of us? That overwhelming draw I’d felt toward him that night at the bar is kicking into overdrive.
It’s impossible to concentrate when all I can think about is what it would feel like if he pulled me closer and—