Chapter 5 #2
“So when did you move to town?” he asks, and I give myself a mental shake.
My thoughts about this man are most definitely not playground friendly.
Which is so not a familiar experience for me.
I was never the boy crazy girl, not even as a teenager.
I was always much more concerned with school and my plans.
All of which got derailed the one time I did find myself charmed by a guy.
The reminder of that is enough to have me straightening. I promised myself a long time ago I would never let myself get into that kind of situation again. Especially now that I have Lucas to think about.
“We moved a month ago,” I tell him. “It’s been a whirlwind, getting Lucas set up for the start of the school year and finding a new job.”
“What grade is he in?”
I shouldn’t love that his first question is about my kid, and not something about my job or where we’re living. “Lucas is five. He’s starting kindergarten soon.”
“He’s a great kid, Ellie.” And that warms my whole chest right up.
“He really is. The best thing that ever happened to me.” I swallow, knowing what I need to say but not eager to break the warmth of the moment. “I’m sorry about that night at the bar.”
His head snaps in my direction and one look at his clenched jaw tells me he’s angry. “You’re sorry? About what part, exactly? Because I don’t regret a single minute I got to spend with you.”
God, does he think I’m apologizing for what we did?
I wish there was a way to tell him that it was the best half-hour I’d spent in a long, long time.
The first half-hour where I was able to just focus on myself and not worry about my kid.
But my kid is exactly the reason why I need to make sure there’s no mixed signals here.
“I’m sorry that I left without telling you. That was really rude of me.” I meet his eyes and what I see in his gaze has my breath catching. He looks so intense, so fully focused on me.
“Why did you go?” he finally asks, his voice strained, like maybe it’s taking some effort to control himself.
“Lucas needed me and I had to get home.” I shrug. “That kind of thing happens a lot when you’re a single mom.”
“You could have left a message with someone at the bar—”
“Lucas comes first,” I say firmly. “Lucas always comes first. He needed me right then and there was no way I was going to wait in the crowd at the bar or spend time trying to flag down a waitress.”
He’s silent for a moment. “Okay. I get that.” He looks a little sheepish as he smiles at me. “I guess it’s my own fault. I should have insisted on getting your number before I let you out of my sight.”
I’m trying to get up the courage to tell him that it wouldn’t have made a difference—phone number or not, I’m not in any kind of place to be starting a relationship right now. Not even a casual one. Before I can find the right words, he continues.
“Can I ask you a question?”
Something about his tone has my defenses going up. “Okay,” I say uncertainly.
He takes in a deep breath and doesn’t meet my eyes. “Are you guys in trouble?”
Whatever I was expecting him to say, it wasn’t that. A chill goes down my spine and I can’t meet his eyes. “What?”
He turns so his entire body is facing me. “Ellie. Look at me.”
My heart is pounding as I force myself to comply. I got really good at making my expression blank during my years with Kevin and I hope that skill hasn’t abandoned me now. The last thing I need is for Jonah to see how his question affected me.
He’s doing that strained, controlled tone again. “Lucas said something about his dad not being able to find you.”
Well, shit. I’d been too horrified by my son’s words to worry too much about Jonah overhearing them.
I swallow, wondering what on earth I can say. I hate that my immediate reaction to his question is embarrassment. I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t ask for my husband to be an abusive asshole. I didn’t spend years hurting someone who was smaller and weaker than me.
But the idea that Jonah might look at me with pity hurts.
Especially after that night we had together.
I don’t think anyone, ever in my life, has looked at me with the same amount of desire that Jonah did that night.
It had almost looked like awe shining in his eyes when he touched me.
The idea that he might go from that to feeling sorry for me—or worse, judging me for staying as long as I did—makes me want to puke.
“Lucas’s dad is not a great guy,” I finally say. “He’s not in our lives anymore.”
“When you say not a great guy,” Jonah begins, his voice low and rough.
I hurry to continue, wanting, needing, to cut this off as quickly as possible.
“He wasn’t a good dad to Lucas and he wasn’t a good husband to me.
So we came here to be close to my cousin and my aunt.
” I somehow manage to paste a bright smile on my face.
“We’re both really excited to have a fresh start. ”
“Ellie—”
“And that’s just one more reason why I’m not interested in starting any new relationships,” I press on. “My focus right now is Lucas. Getting him settled. Getting his life here off to a good start.” I force myself to meet his eyes. “I don’t have time for anything else. I don’t want anything else.”
A muscle in his jaw ticks and I shiver a little at the intensity in his expression. He studies me for a long moment and it’s everything I can do to keep from squirming. Finally, he curses softly under his breath.
“Are the two of you safe?”
“Of course we are,” I say automatically, but inside I want to laugh. I can’t remember the last time I felt safe. But I have to keep repeating those words to myself over and over again. It’s the only way I can get through the day.
“Anyhow.” I turn away from him and let my eyes scan the park for my kid.
He’s swinging from the monkey bars, laughing his head off while Trisha tickles him under his exposed armpits.
It’s a sight that would normally make me smile—if I didn’t feel so damn nauseous.
“I should get Lucas home. He usually has a pretty rough energy crash in the afternoon. He’s too old for naps now but I try to make sure he gets some quiet time after lunch or he’ll be miserable for the rest of the day.
You’ve never witnessed true chaos until you’ve seen a five-year-old have a meltdown. ”
I realize that I’m babbling nearly as bad as Lucas himself, but I can’t help it. I need to get away from Jonah’s intense, knowing gaze and his questions that I don’t want to answer.
“Ellie,” Jonah tries, but I’m already standing, calling out my son’s name. Even as my little boy runs toward me, I can still feel the heat of Jonah’s eyes on my back.