Nineteen #2
She rubs her hands over her face, as if she can rub away the fatigue that’s suddenly made her shoulders slump. “As for Sal, he wouldn’t have cared one way or the other. He never bothered himself with the families his men may or may not have had. They just weren’t important.”
I can’t help but wonder if that disinterest extends to my brother.
Growing up, we lived in a nice home in a good area, and I can look back as an adult and know we lived way beyond our means.
But Don Salvatore was never a presence in our lives beyond the visits my mother made to the Cosa Nostra compound.
And since whatever ‘arrangement’ they had ended, he’s never figured in it at all. Well, to my own knowledge, anyway.
“So what do you think? Are Kai and I safe now the Viper is gone?”
My mother’s expression becomes guarded, and I watch her weigh her words carefully. Something she never used to do with me before Milo was born.
“I think you’re safer than you were, certainly,” she says finally. “But safe?” She shakes her head. “I don’t know if anyone connected to La Cosa Nostra is ever truly safe, Aspen.”
The non-answer makes my stomach churn. “That’s not good enough, Mamma. I need more than vague theories and half-hearted reassurances if I’m going to make decisions about Kai’s future.”
“What decisions?” Her eyes sharpen with alarm. “You’re not still seriously thinking about telling Kaiden?”
“He’s not going away, Mamma. And besides, we’re still married. But even if we weren’t, surely he has a right to know his son exists.” The words feel heavy on my tongue, weighted with ten years of deception.
“Rights?” Her voice rises before she catches herself, glancing toward the stairs. “What about Kai’s rights? His right to safety? To a normal childhood without the mafia breathing down his neck?”
“He’s already asking questions, Mamma. More and more every day.
How much longer do you think I can keep deflecting?
” I lean forward, willing her to understand.
“And what happens when he gets older? When he starts looking for himself because he’s not getting any answers from me?
What happens when he finds out I lied to him his entire life?
Because his father might not be listed on the birth certificate, but he’s a bright kid.
It won’t take much to find my wedding certificate and work things out. ”
“Better a lie that keeps him alive than a truth that puts him in danger.” But even as she says it, I can see the doubt creeping into her expression.
“Is it, though?” I stand up, needing to pace, needing to move because sitting still with all this churning inside me feels impossible. “Because from where I’m standing, the lie is eating me alive. And it’s hurting Kai whether you want to admit it or not.”
“Aspen…”
“No, listen to me.” I stop pacing and face her.
“Every time he asks about his father, every time he sees other kids with their dads, every time he wonders why he’s different - that’s damage.
That’s me causing damage by keeping this secret.
How the hell do you manage all this with Milo?
It’s not like you’re not in the same position!
Worse if anything, since he’s the Don’s son. ”
I snap my mouth shut and slap a metaphorical hand across it. We’ve never discussed my fourteen-year-old brother’s paternity. Ever.
My mother’s face goes pale, then red, her mouth opening and closing like she’s trying to find words that won’t come. The silence stretches between us, thick and suffocating, broken only by the sound of her ragged breathing.
“We don’t talk about that,” she finally whispers, her voice shaking.
“Why not?” I demand, sick of the secrets. Sick of trying to second-guess what’s best for everyone involved. It’s draining. “Why is it okay to keep Kaiden in the dark about his son, when I’m pretty certain Salvatore Rossi must know the truth about his?”
“It’s different…”
“How? How is it different?” I’m practically shouting now, and I don’t care. Ten years of secrets and lies and fear are bubbling up inside me, demanding release. “You never had to make the same choice I did. But you still managed to keep your son away from the Cosa Nostra; away from Salvatore.”
“And look how well that’s worked out,” she hisses back, standing now too. “Milo has a normal life. He goes to school, he has friends, he plays sports. He doesn’t know about any of this darkness.”
“Only because Sal allows it, I’m sure. And I imagine that’s because anything else wouldn’t go down well with his wife.
And because you’ve allowed Milo to believe that my father was also his.
Do you not ever worry how betrayed he’ll feel if he ever realizes my father died years before he was even born? ”
The words are meant to wound, and right now, I don’t care that I’m the one wielding the knife.
My mother recoils like I’ve physically struck her, and for a moment, I see genuine pain flash across her face. But then it hardens into something else - something defensive and angry.
“You don’t understand,” she says, her voice tight. “You have no idea what it was like…”
“Then explain it to me!” I cut her off. “Because from where I’m standing, you made choices for yourself and your son, but you’re not letting me make the same choices for mine.”
“That’s not fair.”
“When did fair ever figure into any of this?” My voice cracks, and I feel the tears threatening, but refuse to let them fall.
“You told me to hide Kai. You told me it was the only way. And I listened because I was terrified, and only nineteen, and had just lost everything. But I’m not that girl anymore, Mamma. And I’m tired of living like this.”
Helene sinks back into her chair, suddenly looking every one of her fifty years. “I was trying to protect you. Both of you.”
“I know.” My anger deflates slightly, replaced by exhaustion. “I know you were. But maybe... maybe it’s time to stop hiding and face the future with honesty.”