Twenty
People say women glow when they’re pregnant. Not me.
Whatever light that lit up my life has gone just as surely as Kaiden has.
Despite everything my mother said, I truly believed my husband would return. That our love, forged during years that were innocent and uncomplicated - well, for me, anyway - would stand the test of time.
I thought we’d learned everything there was to know about each other as we grew up together. That we shared all the things that were important and meaningful. Our hopes and dreams. Our fears and aspirations. And we’d built them into a bond so sturdy nothing could ever break it apart.
It never occurred to me, not in a million years, that one of us would break the other. That just wasn’t a consideration. It was simply impossible.
Until it happened.
Maybe it’s shock from Kaiden’s defection.
Maybe it’s the fear of being pregnant and suddenly, unexpectedly alone, while still feeling like I’m barely more than a child myself.
Maybe it’s the residual pain from the accident.
Or maybe it’s an amalgamation of all three.
But all the joy and expectation has been sucked from my life as surely as if it had been surgically removed.
Much to my mother’s dismay, I have little interest in anything. I’ve always been so easy and resilient, I’m not sure she knows what to do with me. And neither do I care.
“Aspen, get up, we need to pack,” she says, marching into my bedroom and shaking my shoulder, even though I’m not asleep. I just can’t be bothered to get up. What’s the point?
“Go away,” I mumble, trying in vain to hide my head under the covers while Helene does a much better job of pulling them off.
“When was the last time you showered?” she asks, her voice ripe with disapproval. Like I have anyone to look nice for. I’m on extended leave from work due to my injuries, and Kaiden is long gone, so it’s not like there’s anything to get up for.
“Leave me alone!” I bury my face in the pillow since she’s stolen my bedcovers, but a moment later, that’s tossed aside, so I scowl at her instead.
With a sigh, Helene sits on the side of the bed and brushes my tangled hair out of my eyes.
“Sweetheart, I know you’re hurting, both mentally and physically, and I understand, I really do.
If I thought it would help to leave you to mourn and convalesce like this, I would.
But your landlady called me, since you haven’t answered your door or her calls. ”
“Nosy old bat,” I mutter with a glower.
Mamma shakes her head. “Actually, she was worried about you…” She pauses for a second. “She was also worried that you didn’t pay last month’s rent.”
Yeah, that’s more like it. Not that I say that out loud. What’s the point? So I say nothing.
“Look, I know you’ve already had a lot of upheaval, but you need to move back in with me and Milo. Your old room’s right there waiting for you.”
Of course it is. It’s barely more than six months since I moved out, after all. Shortest marriage in history.
The thought brings an onslaught of more tears, which are never far away. “I don’ wanna,” I slur as a fresh wave of emotion overwhelms me, my swollen eyes stretching the skin on my face as they seep into the sheets. Seems like this is my new reality.
“Well, unfortunately, you don’t have a choice. You can’t afford to stay here.”
And that’s how pathetic I am. Not only am I a pregnant, single teenager, but I don’t even have the means to stay in this shitty basement. Fuck my life.
Mamma continues, undeterred. “Now, I’ve paid last month’s rent and negotiated an extra week. But that means we only have a few days to move your stuff.”
I should be glad, I suppose, that I have this support. That there’s someone who will take care of me and look out for my best interests, but honestly, it’s hard to care right now.
However, Mamma’s not giving up, and since the best I can manage is the path of least resistance, I reluctantly climb out of bed and head for the bathroom, while Helene starts packing boxes with what few possessions I own.
It takes all of an hour. Then the short-lived life I shared with Kaiden is wiped away like it never existed, and all I have to show for it is the baby he’ll probably never know.
“I have a surprise for you,” Mamma says on the drive back to my childhood home.
Does she really think there’s anything at all that can cheer me up?
I’d never tell her, but even living feels like too much.
The only thing that vaguely keeps me going is the tiny scrap of Kaiden that I’m carrying in my womb.
And even then, I know I’m doing a shitty job of caring for the only thing to come out of my ill-fated marriage.
Arriving at my mother’s elegant home, it’s impossible not to notice the large new summerhouse in the yard.
Looks like my baby brother, Milo, has acquired a new play den since I moved out.
I no longer question where these things come from.
While I don’t doubt Don Salvatore provided the house, the ‘extras’ I suspect are more to do with his sister, Therese.
She’s always played an active role in her nephew’s life…
though only here. Milo is never taken to the compound like I used to be when Mamma visited the Don’s sister.
I breathe a silent sigh of relief that he’s in kindergarten.
I don’t think I could cope with my energetic brother reminding me what an awful excuse for a mother I currently am.
I know I need to kick this malaise and become more responsible for the scrappy little life growing inside me, but it all seems too hard.
With all the boxes deposited in my bedroom, Mamma takes my hand and pulls me towards the garden. She’s so excited, I bite my tongue against telling her I’m really not interested in Milo’s new playhouse. Or maybe it’s a more grown-up space… not that I care.
She flings open the door and ushers me in. Humoring her, I step inside.
And stop in my tracks.
It takes a while for my gritty eyes to make sense of what I’m seeing.
“I know it will never make up for what you’ve lost, Aspen,” my mother whispers. “But I hope you’ll find it therapeutic to have a dedicated art studio to work in.”
Just like that, the tears start again. But these are different. Instead of misery and despair, these are tears of gratitude and maybe the tiniest smidgen of optimism.
I’ve always wanted my own space. I gave that up completely to be with Kaiden. Our little basement was too small to house my painting supplies, too dark to attempt creating anything. But it didn’t matter, because I was happy, and Kaiden always promised he’d find me somewhere. I believed him.
I traded my art for my marriage. Now it almost seems like I’ve traded it back again.
Right there and then, I make a promise to myself. If this is the trade-off, then I’ll honor it. Even though I turned my back on it, my art hasn’t abandoned me. It’s there, inside me, waiting to shine. The least I can do is throw all my pent-up angst onto a canvas.
And that’s exactly what I do.