Twenty-One
Aspen
Maybe it’s time to stop hiding and face the future with honesty. As soon as the words are out of my mouth, it’s like the decision has been made, and it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Mamma’s not convinced. I can see the arguments lingering in her expression, but Kai chooses that moment to come charging down the stairs, bringing our discussion to a close, and I’m quietly relieved.
“Right, I’d better be getting off,” Helene says stiffly. “Milo will accuse me of starving him if his dinner isn’t in front of him soon.”
My little brother is in that teenage growth spurt period where he eats like he’s been denied food for days and has an attitude to go with it.
I give her a perfunctory hug. Despite our difference of opinion, I couldn’t ask for a more supportive mother.
When my life fell apart, I never would have managed without her, but I can’t remain tied to her apron strings.
As an independent adult, I can’t allow my appreciation of everything she’s done for us to color my judgement when it comes to making decisions she might not agree with. We’ll just have to agree to disagree.
Her eyes meet mine, still filled with worry, but she nods slightly, an acknowledgement, if not an agreement.
“Bye, Grandma!” Kai calls from the bottom of the stairs, already making a beeline for the kitchen. “What’s for dinner, Mom? I’m famished,” he says proud of the new word he’s experimenting with.
“You sound like your Uncle Milo,” I tell him, grateful for the normalcy of the complaint. “How about chicken stir-fry?”
“With no broccoli?” His nose wrinkles in that way that makes him look so much younger than his nine years.
“Nice try. With the normal amount of broccoli.”
He groans dramatically as my mother lets herself out, throwing one last meaningful look over her shoulder. I hear the door click shut and release a breath I didn’t know I was holding.
“Can I help?” Kai asks, surprising me. Usually, I have to bribe him into the kitchen.
“Sure, honey. You can wash the vegetables.”
We work in comfortable silence for a few minutes, and I try to push thoughts of Kaiden from my mind. But they keep intruding. The kiss, the look in his eyes, the way my heart stuttered when he touched me.
“Mom?” Kai’s voice pulls me back. “You’re cutting those carrots really small.”
I look down at the cutting board and realize he’s right. The carrots are practically minced. “Guess I got carried away.”
“Are you okay?” He studies me with those seafoam eyes that see too much. “You’ve been weird since you got back from your walk. I heard you and Grandma arguing.”
My hands still on the knife. Shit! How much did he pick up on?
Not much, I hope, a sliver of panic already edging in. I’m not ready for this conversation yet. I haven’t worked out the best way to bring it up.
“Just grown-up stuff,” I say, trying for casual as I scrape the over-minced carrots into the wok. “Nothing for you to worry about.”
“I’m not a baby anymore, Mom. You can tell me stuff, you know.”
He turns off the water and starts drying the vegetables with more force than necessary.
Ah, bless him. If only it were that simple.
“Is it about my dad?”
My chest tightens as the question hits me like a physical blow. My mouth goes dry, and I grip the edge of the counter to steady myself, and again I wonder what all he heard.
I wasn’t exactly quiet during a couple of those bouts with my mom. And Kai’s always been perceptive, reading situations and people the way his father does. The way I’ve been trying to shield him becomes harder with every day he gets older.
“I know you’re not a baby.” I set down the knife and turn to face him properly. “And you’re right. Something is going on. But I need some time to figure it out before I can explain it to you, okay?”
He studies me with an intensity that makes me want to squirm. “Miss Jessop says the best thing is to come right out and say it,” Kai says, his little face taking on an adult seriousness as he refers to his teacher.
Is he right, I wonder? Could it be that simple? God knows I’ve been thinking about it for a week and not come up with any good way of discussing all this with him. Perhaps I should just take the opening he’s provided and go with my gut. It’s not like I have any better ideas.
Giving the sizzling meat a final stir, I scoop up the veggies and dump them in the wok, then put the lid on.
“Okay then,” I say, mentally bracing myself as Kai looks at me expectantly. “As it happens, I’ve seen your father recently, so I suppose it’s a good time to talk to you about him.”
Kai’s eyes grow round. Clearly, he was not expecting that, whatever he may or may not have heard.
His fork clatters onto the counter, forgotten. “You... you saw him? Like, actually saw him? In person?”
I nod, my heart hammering as I watch a dozen emotions flicker across his face. Shock. Hope. Fear. Excitement. “Yes. We met for coffee last week, and then he came by today. That’s who I was talking to on the porch.”
“He was here?” Kai’s voice cracks slightly. “At our house? And you didn’t tell me?”
The hurt in his tone cuts deeper than any accusation my mother levelled at me. “I know. I’m sorry. I just... I needed to process it first. To figure out what it meant before…”
“What it meant?” He pushes away from the counter, his small hands clenched into fists at his sides, his expression one of childish fury. “Mom, I’ve been asking about him forever! And he was right here, and you didn’t even…” He breaks off, his eyes shining with tears he’s trying hard not to shed.
Fuck. I’m already messing this up.
I quickly switch off the heat, then abandon the stove to crouch down at his level, reaching for his hands. He lets me take them, but I can feel the resistance in his posture, the way he’s holding himself rigid like he’s trying not to fall apart.
“It’s not that simple, Kai,” I tell him, hurrying on when he opens his mouth to object. “I wasn’t expecting to see your dad, and I haven’t seen him since before you were born. The thing is…”
Fuck! How am I supposed to say this?
“The thing is, your dad doesn’t know about you…”
Kai yanks his hands away and yells. “Why not? Why didn’t you tell him? You said you loved him, and he loved you! All these years, I could have had a dad, but you didn’t bother telling him he had a kid. He might have wanted to see me all this time, just like I wanted to see him.”
His voice gets higher and higher pitched, until the tears finally burst out of him and he winds down.
Sitting back against the cabinets, I pull him into my lap and realize there’s no way out of this except telling him the truth.
“You’re right,” I agree, my voice catching. “He would have wanted to see you, and that’s why I didn’t tell him.”
Kai struggles against me, his little fists flailing, but I gather him tight, wrap my arms around his, and put on my best stern mom voice. “Stop it! You say you’re not a baby, and I can tell you things, but if I’m going to do that, you need to stop fighting me and listen.”
The words seem to get through because he subsides. Or perhaps he’s just so desperate for information about his father that he’ll do whatever it takes to find out about him.
Either way, I take it as a signal he’s willing to hear me out.
“Your dad and I got married really young; just eighteen years old. We were happy, but your dad had been working for some bad people who didn’t like it when he quit his job to start a new life with me.
Those people threatened to hurt me to get him to do the things they wanted, and I ended up in hospital. ”
I feel Kai stiffen in my arms, his breathing quickening. I hold him tighter, needing him to understand why I made the choices I did.
“Your dad left to keep me safe. He went back to work for those bad people so they wouldn’t hurt me anymore. And I...” My voice cracks, and I force myself to continue. “I didn’t find out I was pregnant with you until after he was gone.”
Kai twists in my lap to look up at me, his tear-stained face a mixture of confusion and hurt. “But why didn’t you tell him then? He could have come back!”
“No, baby, he couldn’t.” I brush his dark hair back from his forehead, seeing so much of Kaiden in his features, it makes my heart ache.
“Those bad people would have used you to control him. They would have hurt you to make your dad do what they wanted. And I couldn’t let that happen. I couldn’t put you in danger.”
“So you just... didn’t tell him?” His voice is small now, uncertain. “For my whole life?”
“For your whole life,” I confirm, the guilt I’ve carried for nearly a decade settling heavier on my shoulders.
“And I know how that sounds. I know it seems selfish, keeping you from your father all this time. But Kai...” I cup his face in my hands, needing him to see the truth in my eyes.
“You are the most important thing in my life. Everything I’ve done, every choice I’ve made, has been to keep you safe. ”
“So those bad people...” He sniffles, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand. “Are they still around?”
My stomach twists. “The worst one died recently. That’s why your dad got in touch again. He thinks it’s safer now.”
“Thinks?” Kai latches onto the word immediately, his sharp mind already processing the implications. “So it might not be safe?”
I hesitate, because I don’t want to lie to him anymore, but I also don’t want to terrify him. “I don’t know yet. That’s what I’m trying to figure out.”
He’s quiet for a long moment, his small body tense against mine. I can practically hear the gears turning in his head, working through everything I’ve told him. When he finally speaks, his voice is barely above a whisper.
“So, my dad’s a hero then.” The words may be quiet, but there’s an unmistakable satisfaction in them.
Oh hell, no! No way anyone who works for the mafia can be described as a hero. Not that I’m going to tell Kai that, of course.
I choose to simply not respond. Especially since he’s looking at me like he’s finally found something solid to hold onto in the murky waters of his parentage. Instead, I smooth his hair back again and try to find the right words to explain my own thought process throughout this latest occurrence.
In the end, I procrastinate for so long, Kai gets in the million-dollar question. “If there’s no more danger, are you going to tell him?”
I take a deep breath, my hands still resting on Kai’s shoulders as I look into those eyes that are so like mine but set in his father’s face, the perfect blend of both of us.
The question hangs between us, heavy with implications I’m still trying to work through myself.
“Yes,” I say, and the word comes out more certain than I expect. “If it’s safe to do so, then I'll tell him all about you, I promise.”
But of course, we’ve already established that the universe hates me, so inevitably, nothing goes to plan.