Forty-Five
Kaiden
My mind is fuzzy. Disjointed. I drift in and out.
Time is relative. Everything’s happening out of order.
Some part of me understands I haven’t just been dragged out of Prospect House.
Though that’s how it feels. Logically, I know hours, maybe days have passed.
But it’s all muddled. Snippets of my past and present blurring together nonsensically.
In this vague half-life I exist in, time loses all meaning.
Sometimes I’m fourteen again, the Viper’s hand on my shoulder like a vice as he forces me into that room.
Sometimes I’m in our apartment, Aspen’s laugh echoing off the walls.
Sometimes I’m nowhere at all, just floating in a grey void where nothing exists.
And why the hell is it so hot in here? Did someone drop me straight into the bowels of hell?
Of course they did. And that’s no less than I deserve. I let Aspen down - again. I tried to protect her, and as usual, the fucking universe decided to shit on me.
But this time she’s gone for good.
The darkness pulls at me, seductive in its promise of escape from this pain. From this thankless life I never wanted.
Everything that ever meant anything to me was ripped away. Starting with my mother when I was ten years old. The rest of my existence has just been more of the same. The only thing that made it bearable was my sweet, innocent Aspen. She made all of it worthwhile.
Even when I walked away, I did it for her. Ensuring the Viper kept his promise and didn’t go after her was enough to give me purpose throughout those bleak and barren years without her.
The thought tries to anchor me, but it’s not enough.
Because even if I survive this, Aspen is never going to forgive me.
She walked out of Prospect House thinking I betrayed her, thinking everything between us was a lie, that my role in her life was nothing more than a convenience orchestrated by Mika.
And maybe she’s not entirely wrong about that part.
I did approach her on his orders initially.
But everything that came after? That was all me. All real.
Not that it matters now. She’s gone. I’ve lost her for good this time. And the thought of that obliterates me. The pain is worse than the bullet lodged in my shoulder.
It sucks the will to live right out of me and leaves me empty.
What’s the point anymore?
The world narrows to a pinpoint. Voices fade to white noise. My body feels disconnected, like I’m floating above it, watching my corpse descend into a fiery pit with shadowy, disembodied arms grasping for me.
Maybe this is better. Maybe I’m not meant to survive. Maybe the universe is finally doing Aspen a favor and removing the toxic presence I’ve always brought to her life.
The thought hurts more than anything else does.
But I’m so tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of surviving. Tired of wanting things I can never have.
The darkness is warm now, almost comforting. Like sinking into deep water. I let myself drift deeper, welcoming the numbness that spreads through my limbs.
Somewhere far away, I hear crying. Or maybe that’s just my imagination.
Either way, it doesn’t matter anymore. Aspen is safe now.
It’s time to let go.