Chapter 5
When I woke up in the morning, everything in me was telling me to reach out to my son Demontae. It had been sitting on me for too long, and I didn’t want to keep ignoring it.
I wanted to stop this war before it swallowed up everybody I loved on both sides of it. I wanted to find some way we could all coexist, some way that didn’t end with more bloodshed than we already had.
Ever since I laid eyes on him for the first time at that drop eight months ago, this whole thing had been sitting heavier than anything I’d carried in years.
I couldn’t think the same. Couldn’t eat the same.
Couldn’t move through my own house the same way I used to, not with my second born child on my mind every single hour of every single day.
He was mine, and I didn’t believe that I had crossed paths with him again for nothing.
This was destined and I had to make sure that I handled this right.
This war, him sending that hit on Zaire while he was locked up, that was tearing my heart apart in a way I hadn’t let myself admit out loud to a single soul.
My boys were at war with one another, and as crazy as it sounded, Kaseem has Zaire and Namier but I knew that Demontae had nobody but himself.
He was my baby too, and although he was wrong, I didn’t want to crucify him.
I couldn’t hate him, I couldn’t allow death to come his way.
I just wanted all this bullshit to stop.
Didn’t matter that I never got to raise him, didn’t matter that he didn’t know my face or my voice growing up.
That didn’t change what he was to me. His kicks, his little heartbeat underneath mine, him being inside of me for nine months, all of that meant something.
When I got that letter from Tatti a couple days back and finally read every word of it myself, I cried real tears sitting alone in that office. I knew right then I had to find a way to fix this before it went any further than it already had.
So this morning, I woke up and called him. I handled my morning hygiene after sliding out the bed with my husband, and made that call.
I was nervous as ever calling that number, and I wasn’t a woman who ever got nervous.
When he answered, I asked him for a meeting.
Told him I could promise it would just be the two of us, no games, no setup, and that he could shake me down and check me for weapons however he needed to before we ever sat down face to face.
He was cold on the phone, dry, apprehensive, every word out his mouth was guarded like he expected a trap around every sentence I said.
I swore on my life that not even my own husband knew about this call, told him this meeting could benefit both of us if he just gave me the chance.
After a long pause, he agreed, letting me know that if I tried anything funny, he’d have the last laugh.
I smirked at that comment because he sounded just like one of my kids, but he’d better know to look both ways before he crossed me.
I hung up feeling something close to relief for the first time in months.
The second I set that phone down, Kadeem walked into my office, and I nearly jumped clean out my skin. I thought he was still sleep.
I was sure he’d heard every word of that call, my heart dropped straight to my stomach. But he walked over, kissed me on my forehead, and asked why I was up working so early, and I knew from the ease in his voice that he hadn’t heard a thing.
“I got up because I wanted to make us a small breakfast, but wanted to check some emails and things first.” I lied, playing everything off normal.
I left my office and we went into the kitchen so I could cook for us.
He stood behind me with his arms around me, then with his hands on my waist making it hard for me to focus for too long.
I loved my husband to death and even after thirty years, he still gave me those same butterflies as when I was a young girl.
After breakfast, we spent the next few hours in the sunroom, lounging up under each other the way we used to do when we first got all the kids out of house.
“This what retired life feel like, huh?” he asked, laying his head across my lap on the sofa while I ran my hands across his hair. “You think you could get used to not doing nothing every day?”
That question sat with me longer than he probably meant for it to. Truth was, I wasn’t sure I was ready to do this boring shit for the rest of my life.
“I honestly don’t know, my love,” I said instead. “This is one of the hardest adjustments I’ve had to make. I think Kaseem’s ready for it. But he’s still my baby, and I feel like I’m throwing him straight to the wolves. It feels like if I’m not the one in control, things might go left.”
“And that’s normal for a mother to feel,” Kadeem said.
“But take the mother part out of it for a second and look at the business side. Kaseem is fearless. Knowledgeable. Hardworking as hell. Ain’t nothing to be played with when it comes to that boy.
He’s young, and sadly, me and you ain’t no more.
Let him do his job. We stay in the background, guide him if he ever need it.
” He paused, shifting so he could look up at my face.
“But tell me something. What’s been up with you? And be real with me.”
“What you mean by that?” I asked, already knowing exactly what he meant.
“This war is changing you,” he said. “And this ain’t even the biggest beef we ever had.
We went up against big cartels and made it out that smoke alive.
What is it about these nickel and dime Brick Boyz that got you shook?
We were the biggest connect they could’ve ever hoped to secure.
They ain’t got the muscle for none of this.
So what exactly are you scared of, Zuri? ”
I sat with that question a second, working out a lie solid enough to hold up.
“Our son is just now taking over the business,” I said.
“I expected Kaseem to focus more on the politics side of things since Zaire’s more than capable of handling the streets himself.
I didn’t want our son jumping headfirst into a war he ain’t have to fight yet.
Excuse me for thinking about what’s best for him.
And like you said, I’ll always be a mother first, so yeah, I want my kids to be okay.
This beef is bad for business, and that’s all this is.
Nothing more, nothing less, while you sitting here trying to fish for something that ain’t there. ”
He sat all the way up off my lap and looked me dead in my face.
“See, the fact that you’re getting defensive right now tells me you lying to my face and hiding something from me,” he said.
“Zuri, you know better than anybody that I don’t do liars.
If I find out something on my own that you could’ve just told me now, I feel sorry for you.
You already know I ain’t never been the nigga to play with.
I’m gone be in my man cave the rest of the day.
You decide you wanna talk to me for real, you know where to find me. ”
He got up off that couch and walked out the room, and I wasn’t about to chase behind him.
I had to get myself together and get ready to go see my son.
My stomach was tied up in knots the whole time, and I honestly couldn’t tell if it was from that conversation with my husband still sitting unfinished between us, or from what I was about to walk myself into.
—
I left my house without letting Kadeem know where I was headed. His ass didn’t deserve to know my moves even if it was something simple as running a store errand today.
He’d wanted to have an attitude with me earlier, questioning me the same way that he’d been doing all week, so I just let it be.
I let him sit in whatever mood he was in without giving him an answer to work with.
He knew that when he told me he’d be in that man cave, he was wasting his breath.
He also knew that I wasn’t the one to kiss his ass, ever.
So I knew that later tonight, he’d be back in my face trying to get my attention.
Right now, I couldn’t be bothered with that.
There was heavier things on my mind, and on my plate right now.
We’ve never had real problems or arguments in this phase of our marriage, so him being suspicious of me was something new.
I knew that right now, I needed to fix this Demontae situation and make things right before they blew up in my face.
The thing about a lie is, that you can only get away with it for so long.
My lie was too close to home now and I had to do something about it. Quickly.
I already knew the boys had a shipment to get off today, and I’d watched them pull out of our compound over two hours ago on the security cameras, so I had my time window and I wasn’t about to waste it.
Before I left the house, I made sure I had that ancestry letter tucked away secure inside my purse, folded up tight, exactly where I could grab it fast when it was time.
I got into my car and sat there for a second before I even put it in drive. I said a small prayer, quiet, just for me. Today was heavy and in the pit of my stomach, something about all of this was nagging at me. Although I had a feeling that things could go wrong, I still prayed for the best.
“God, I know I’ve been doing a lot of things lately that could tear my family apart.
But please let this meeting with my son go well today.
Let him understand my side of this. Let him receive everything I’m trying to give him, everything I’ve been carrying alone for twenty seven years.
Let me find a way to save all of my children at the same time, to stop this war and still be a part of every single one of their lives without losing none of them in the process.
I don’t know how I’m gonna break this to my husband, to my other boys, but I promise I will, and soon.
Just please, God, let this go well today. ”