Chapter 38 Lexi #2
No. No, no, no. This conversation isn’t supposed to happen like this. He’s supposed to say that he’s totally cool being friends, we can pick out some cheesy ’80s movie to watch later, he can tease me about my lack of cooking skills.
‘From here on out, please don’t talk to me about anything personal, okay?’ His voice sounds broken. ‘I mean it. Nothing. You are staff, I am your employer, and it’s better for both of us if we maintain a working relationship until you’re reassigned.’
He pivots and returns to the house without waiting for a response.
I’m staff. My eyes sting and I can’t catch my breath. Of course I’m staff, but the way he says it cuts deep. My chin quivers, and I suck it back in. The brutal California sun is beating at me, but I don’t want to go back inside.
What he said can’t be true. He was relieved?
Is he serious? And I’m too hot and cold?
I’m doing this to protect him. He caught me off guard when we talked on the phone, and I wasn’t prepared.
Heat spreads in me, a nauseating hot lava, starting at my toes and reaching my face.
I feel sick. I want to cry, hit something, run away, anything, but be here.
I choke back tears, pace on the patio and take hard, deep breaths. This changes everything. My three-month obligation on this gig is coming up. I won’t stay a day longer than required.
After a few minutes, Zane pops out. ‘Did you get sick of the prince already? He’s been extra ornery these last few days.’
Why is Zane’s cheerfulness making my gut ache unbearably? Don’t cry. Don’t cry. ‘Uh, yeah. I needed air.’
Zane’s eyebrows draw together and they step closer. ‘Are you okay?’
‘I’m fine,’ I snap and immediately regret the tone. Zane has been so kind, the closest thing to a friend I’ve made in years besides Marcus. They don’t deserve my snark. ‘I’m sorry. Justin and I got into a … disagreement. Honestly, I’m just feeling a little emotional.’
‘Wow, sister. I’ve not seen you be anything but cool and calm.’ Zane puts their hand on my shoulder. ‘Want to talk about it?’
‘Yeah, I, ah …’ I just need to get out of here, so no one sees me fucking cry! ‘I need to regroup. And, ah, I appreciate you showing me—’
Zane wraps their arms around me in a warm, full, tight squeeze. Lavender-and-sage-scented lotion wafts to my nose, and I freeze. I’m not a hugger. No one besides my parents hugs me. Besides the meltdown with Justin, the last person I hugged was Katey.
My chin trembles. I grab Zane back and squeeze, batting back the tears.
‘It’s gonna be okay.’ Zane pats my back. ‘Want to talk about it?’
I pull back and drag my pinkie under my eyes.
‘No. Yes. No. I don’t know.’ I pull in a shaky breath.
Fuck. ‘I started having feelings for Justin months ago. I can’t do anything about it, obviously.
I’m so scared of him getting hurt. If I slip up, even for a second and something happens to him …
’ I sniff. ‘And honestly, I thought he might feel the same, but wasn’t sure, and well, whatever. ’
‘Oh, Doc. I’m so sorry.’ Zane runs their fingers through their pink hair. ‘But I’m confused. Did he give you the impression that he doesn’t have feelings for you? I mean … I should stay out of it. But he does have feelings for you. He told me.’
‘No, I mean, I know he does. Or did. Or … I don’t know.’
Zane bites their lip. ‘You’re obviously hurting here. But I think you two need to sit down. There’s such obvious miscommunication happening.’
This is the very last thing I want to do, and honestly, Justin could not have been clearer. He was relieved. Fucking relieved. You don’t come back from that. ‘Oh, God no. Please don’t. If he knew I had feelings, I’d be putting him in serious danger.’
‘How?’ Zane asks, searching my eyes. ‘What am I missing here?’
I lift my head to the sun. ‘He’s not the type of guy that could hear that information – and if he felt the same way – could let it go until the stalker is found.
My God, think of what happened at the grocery store.
He pinned me, Zane. He wanted to protect me, and it could have been disastrous.
I’m not being dramatic. He could’ve gotten seriously hurt or worse.
’ I can’t shake the image of that night, the way Justin disregarded his own safety in a snap. ‘And I cannot take that risk.’
Zane steps back. ‘Oh Doc, this blows so hard. But you have to trust me. I know you guys can figure this out. I want to see my friends happy.’
‘It doesn’t matter anyway.’ I shrug. ‘He said there’s something off about us, and it took my words to make him realize it. He literally said he felt relieved.’
Zane’s nostrils flare. ‘I’m putting my foot down. You guys need to talk. Let’s get in a room. I can mediate. Or burn sage or something.’ Zane’s mouth pulls into a sympathetic smile. ‘This is not the end, I promise.’
I truly appreciate Zane trying to soften things, but I’m broken.
‘This is so embarrassing, gushing like a kid stood up at prom.’ I kick at the patio step.
‘Promise me you won’t say anything. I’ve worked in this industry for a long time, and I’m telling you that if he knew, he’d be put in harm’s way.
Our utmost goal is that he stays safe, right? You cannot say anything.’
Zane shifts their weight between their feet, their gaze flickering between me and the house. ‘I hate keeping this from him. But safety comes first.’ Zane exhales. ‘I won’t say anything.’
But as they turn, I’m not convinced they’re telling the truth.