Chapter 39 Justin
Justin
Her face.
The look on Lexi’s face crushed me, but I had to say it.
This battle between us, this love tug of war, is too much.
She needs to leave. My heart can’t take it.
The devastation shifts into anger, and rage fills me.
It’s not her fault she doesn’t have feelings for me.
Logically I know that. But it doesn’t stop my urge to throw a glass into the wall.
It’s either that, or I break down crying, and I refuse to do that.
My jaw is clenched so tight, it’s cramping. I open the fridge for a drink, see Lexi’s lunch bag and slam the door so hard that plates rattle in the cabinet.
Downstairs in the gym, I get on the treadmill. I need to sweat this out, burn it, purge everything. I run from the look on her face, the vision of her laughing in my living room, the memories of her teaching me self-defense moves.
I increase the speed. I run from the image of us stopping for ice cream and me forcing her to try coconut – which she hates – by threatening to sing a Madonna song until she caved.
More speed. Higher. Delete the memory of our hands brushing the first time and the instant jolt I got.
Remove everything from the nightclub, my hand on her thigh, the smell of her hair, her legs in that red dress.
My lungs are on fire, a welcome distraction. Out of air and excuses for my behavior, I stop running after nearly an hour. I rip a towel from the rack, slap it around my neck and wipe my face. Fuck this.
The next week is a terrible Groundhog Day version of the same event.
Studio meetings, me mindlessly scrolling through my phone during the most uncomfortable car rides of all time, Lexi silently performing sweeps on the house then sitting by the door until Jack arrives.
There are no shared dinners, no movie nights, no conversation. We simply exist.
Today, we’ve managed to not say a single word to each other, and Zane looks like a child stuck between fighting parents. The three of us sit for the nearly hour-long ride in complete silence, minus a few exaggerated sighs from Zane.
Sure, I had immediate remorse for how I’d spoken to Lexi at the pool, but what was I supposed to do? Cry like a baby and tell her that she broke my heart? She already turned me down once. No way can I handle that rejection twice.
The driver pulls into the gate. Thank God. The second I’m back home, I’m going to my room and not saying another word to anyone for the next twelve hours.
The SUV stops. I rush out, jog upstairs, not giving a shit about the ‘sweeps’ she’s supposed to do. In my room, I toss my wallet on the dresser, throw my phone on the bed and cross the room to shut my door when an arm blocks me.
‘Wanna talk about it?’ Zane asks, stepping inside.
Nope. ‘Talk about what?’
Zane arches a brow.
I tug off my shoes and shrug. Maybe if my body portrays that I don’t care, my brain will soon grasp the same message. ‘Yeah, well, we had a disagreement. Nothing new. And nothing to talk about.’
Zane sits down hard on the bench and crosses their arms. ‘God, you can be such a dick sometimes.’
Did Zane really just say that? ‘Excuse me?’
‘You heard me.’
What the hell? Seriously, what universe am I living in right now? Whatever. I don’t need this shit. ‘I don’t know what the hell—’
‘Really, Justin?’ Zane narrows their eyes. ‘What you said to Doc last week, not cool.’
Shit. Heat rises to my face. ‘I was upset, okay?’
‘’Cause she “turned you down?”’ Zane flickers their two fingers in the air.
‘I don’t know why you’re putting air quotes around “turned you down”.’ I grab sweatpants from my drawer. ‘She flat out said no. So fucking sue me that I don’t want to talk to her. I totally misread the situation, and I don’t want to talk about it.’
Zane turns, their face a fiery red. They stomp to the window and stare over the courtyard until their back relaxes. ‘Why do you think she turned you down?’
‘Didn’t I say I don’t want to talk about it?
’ Zane clearly doesn’t care whether I want to talk or not.
They sit on the chair in the corner and fold their arms again, and for a second, I almost admire the act of defiance.
My shoulders slump. Fine. ‘Why does anyone turn anyone down? Because they don’t feel the same way. ’
‘So you never got the sense she felt the same?’
That’s what’s so confusing – for months, I swore something more than friendship brewed. ‘I thought she did, which is why I’m all jacked up.’
Zane taps their fingers on the armrest. ‘What was her job? Why was Doc here in the first place?’
‘We gonna have a bullshit pseudo-therapy session?’ I tug off my jeans and push my legs through the sweatpants. When I catch Zane’s narrowed gaze, I slump on the bed. ‘She was hired to protect me.’
‘Was she good at her job?’
What the hell kind of question is this? Everyone sees Lexi’s dedication. ‘Well, yeah. Maybe overzealous at times.’
Of course she’s amazing. Her professionalism and freakish attention to detail, her ability to memorize all exits within five seconds of entering a building, her confidence and leadership when speaking with security teams, is for the record books.
‘Do you know outside the grocery store with the guy, I tried to block her?’ I pinch at the comforter. ‘Swear to God it took her like two seconds to get out of my hold, whip out her gun and take control. It was like watching a scene from an action flick.’
Zane throws their arm on the back of the chair. ‘What makes someone good at this type of job?’
God these questions. I want to stew in my anger, but this crap is softening me. Which makes me feel worse. ‘I don’t know. Probably strength, attention to detail, training.’
‘Yes, what else?’
I throw my head back on the pillow and pinch the bridge of my nose. ‘Focus, I guess?’
Zane stays quiet for several seconds. ‘So, let’s say she didn’t turn you down and instead said she had serious, strong feelings for you.’
‘This is a stupid hypothetical game,’ I snap. I’m officially over this conversation. Zane is doing their ‘Zane-thing’ making me talk about shit I don’t want to. ‘What are you getting at?’
Zane draws lines on their knee with a fingertip. ‘Do you think she would be as effective in her job?’
The words sink low. ‘No, I guess not.’
‘You’ve spent twelve hours a day with Doc for months.’ Zane stands and grabs my jeans off the floor. ‘Do you think she prides herself on her job and professionalism?’
‘Of course.’
‘Do you think she takes her job seriously, has her client’s best interest at heart and puts others in front of her own needs?’
Too many words. I don’t want to think. ‘Yeah.’
Zane folds my jeans and hugs them against their chest. ‘And would you say her greatest fear is that the person she’s protecting gets hurt under her watch?’
Oh God. The environmental CEO. ‘Definitely.’
‘So, do you think it’s possible that you didn’t, in fact, read into the situation, that she did have real feelings for you, but she sacrificed her wants to keep you safe?’ Zane’s eyebrows crease. ‘Is she the type of person to sacrifice her happiness for your safety?’
The words drop like a cinderblock. ‘Absolutely.’
Is that what happened? Oh God … what have I done? How did I fuck this up, again? Lexi is never going to forgive me. The words I used … you’re staff, fucking relief …
My stomach coils into a knot. ‘What the hell am I going to do?’
Zane pauses at the door and gives me a gentle smile.
‘I’d start by apologizing.’