Chapter 21
Christiano
Dinner became a midnight snack, which we burned off until the crack of dawn.
I couldn’t stop fucking Sienna, and as we get dressed, I’m still semi-hard.
That’s what nine years of celibacy does to a man. I have a lot of pent-up desire to fuck out of my system.
I love watching Sienna get ready, and when she reaches for her brush, I step closer and take it from her. As I pull it through her hair, I say, “I told the men to start packing up everything in your kitchen and living room, so you only have to worry about your clothes.”
“What?!” she gasps, her eyes going wide as saucers as she spins around.
I set the brush down on the counter. “I told you I’d take care of everything.”
“No!!!”
She darts past me, and as she hurries to grab her phone, I stalk closer and grab the device from her. “Don’t you think you’re making a big deal out of nothing. The sooner we bring your belongings over, the sooner it will feel like home for you.”
Her breaths come faster, and when fear tightens her features, I start to get worried.
“What’s going on, Sienna?”
She shakes her head and rushes toward the doorway. “We have to go right now! Tell them to stop. I don’t want anyone in my kitchen.”
I pull out my phone and send Ciro a text.
Search that kitchen from top to bottom right now. If you find anything out of the ordinary, set it aside. I’m on my way.
Not replying to Sienna, I follow her out of the bedroom. Her anxiety keeps growing as we leave the penthouse, and my gut tells me I’m close to finding out what she’s been hiding from me.
I don’t care that I’m invading her privacy. Whatever secret she’s keeping is responsible for the walls she’s erected between us, and so help me God, I will break them down today.
The ride to her apartment is fucking tense, and Sienna becomes more and more fidgety.
“Want to tell me why you’re so anxious?” I ask, giving her a last chance to come clean with me.
She shakes her head, her teeth worrying the inside of her bottom lip while her jittery movements rival those of a junkie going through withdrawals.
What the fuck could be so bad?
The instant Nico brings the SUV to a stop, Sienna jumps out and makes a run for her apartment. As I calmly follow her, I check my phone.
Ciro: Found boxes of medication hidden with the cleaning supplies.
What the fuck?
I pick up my pace, and as I enter the apartment, it’s in time to see Sienna grab the medication from the kitchen counter before darting down the hallway.
I break out into a run while ordering, “Everyone, leave!”
Just as Sienna slams her bedroom door shut, I open it again before she can lock me out.
She stumbles backward as I enter the room, and when I turn the key in the lock before pocketing it, she begins to hyperventilate while shaking her head wildly.
“Just go,” she begs. “Please.”
My eyes land on the boxes she’s thrown on the bed, and she quickly tries to block my line of sight. “Please. I’m…begging…you.”
When her breaths start to sound painful, I grab her arm and pull her against my chest. Holding her tight, my eyes land on the medication again.
“What is it for?” I ask, my tone filled with worry. “Are you sick?”
She shakes her head and begins to cry uncontrollably. “P-please.”
“Shh…” I press a kiss to the side of her head while my worry spirals out of control.
This time, nothing I do calms her down, and giving up, I dart to the bed and grab the boxes.
Recognizing Xanax, I read the details before removing a tablet.
When I turn back to Sienna, her breathing evens out instantly, but there’s a glassy expression on her face as if she’s completely checked out of reality.
Fuck.
I move quickly and push the tablet into her mouth, then order, “Swallow, Sienna!”
Thankfully, she does as she’s told. I frame her face and try to lock eyes with her, but hers remain unfocused.
Pressing a kiss to her forehead, I hold her again while repeatedly saying, “Come back to me, baby. Everything is going to be okay. Just come back.”
It feels like a lifetime passes before she stirs in my arms, and her breathing begins to pick up speed again. Pushing her back so I can see her face, I never thought I’d be relieved to see panic and fear in her eyes.
She’s back. Thank fuck!
I capture her gaze and keep my tone steady, “Just stay with me. We can deal with whatever this is.”
Her face crumbles, and it looks like she loses all her will to live. “We can’t.”
“Yes, we can. What is the medication for?”
Sienna pulls away from me and slumps down on the side of the bed. Her entire demeanor looks defeated as she clutches her hands together on her lap, her knuckles turning white.
“I suffer from thanatophobia.” Her voice sounds unbelievably fragile, and it takes a brutal swing at my heart.
“It’s a phobia of death.” Her tongue darts out to wet her lips.
“It’s not that I’m afraid of dying.” She lifts a hand to her chest and presses her palm over the spot where her heart is.
“I’m afraid of losing someone I love and being left all alone.
” She lowers her head even more and whispers, “I’m afraid of surviving when everything that matters to me is gone. ”
I stand still and remain silent, so she’ll continue to talk.
“The thoughts…” Her voice grows hoarse, her face way too fucking pale. “They rip my mind apart, and the anxiety and fear become unbearable.” Her words falter, and when sobs make it difficult for her to speak, I can’t stand still any longer.
As I kneel by her legs, she covers her face with her hands and groans, “I keep seeing the blood.”
“Princess,” I murmur while brushing my palms up and down her arms.
“I’m weak and broken,” she cries. “I keep seeing you die, and it’s destroying me over and over. That’s why I broke up with you. I thought if I didn’t see you every day, I’d stop loving you and things would get easier.”
She lifts her head, the terrified look in her eyes making my body tense as if I’m getting ready for the fight of my life.
“I can’t watch you go to work every day. I can’t sit and wait for the call. It already destroyed me once.” She sucks in a quivering breath, her panic raw and heartbreaking. “Every single day, I’m tormented by the memory of you being shot. You died, and it killed me.”
Not understanding, I shake my head. “I’m here, baby.”
“You died!” she cries while flinging herself against me. My arms lock around her, and as she grips my neck tightly, she whimpers, “I saw the white sheet over your body and your bloody jacket on the floor. You died, and it shattered my mind.”
Christ. Is she talking about when I got shot on the day we were supposed to celebrate our engagement?
I’ve always known death is part of the deal, but not once did I consider what effect it would have on Sienna.
I’d lose my fucking mind if she died, so I can understand some of what she’s going through.
She grips me tighter. “It’s only a matter of time before I lose you again.” Her breathing becomes ragged. “The fear…you died…you died, Christiano.”
“I’m here.” I pull back and frame her face with my hands. “I’m right here. Look at me.” When her eyes focus on my face, I say, “I survived, Sienna.”
“I can’t lose you again,” she whimpers. “It hurt so much when you were dead.”
“Oh, baby.” I press kisses all over her face. “I’m so fucking sorry you went through that. If I had known, I would’ve had them bring you to me while I was in surgery.”
I didn’t know any of this.
She takes another quivering breath, and her tone sounds haunting. “You got shot because of me. I just stood there.”
I swipe my thumbs over her cheeks and shake my head, but she continues, “I’m too weak for a man like you. That’s why I didn’t want to marry you.”
Sienna pulls back, and as a heartbreaking sob escapes, she takes another tablet from the box. Her hand trembles severely as she puts it in her mouth.
I rub my palms up and down her thighs while I patiently wait for her to gather herself.
Watching her take deep breaths, her eyes closed while crippling emotions play out over her face, tells me how much she’s suffered fighting this on her own.
“I love you, Sienna.”
Her eyes pop open, and when I see the doubt, I let the immensity of my feelings for her show on my face so she can see how devoted I am to her.
“You’re not broken, baby. You thought I died, and that kind of pain would make me lose my mind as well.
” I move onto my knees. “Every day I had to live without you was pure fucking hell, and you were alive, so I can only imagine how excruciating it must’ve been for you when you believed I was dead. I would’ve lost my mind as well.”
“But it makes me weak, and you need a strong woman to stand beside you.” She picks up one of the boxes and throws the medication against the closet door.
“I have to see a psychiatrist every two weeks and take medicine just to get through a normal day. Can you imagine what will happen when things get hard? Instead of being there to support you, I’ll probably end up in the hospital. You deserve so much better.”
When she begins to spiral again, I grip the sides of her head and force her to look at me.
“Sienna, I want you. Things have been fucking hard the past month, and you were there for me. Getting to hold you is the only support I want. Being with you gives me peace and calm from the pressure.” My tone softens as I continue, “I love you as you are. I need you to be the sensitive one who balances out my brutal side. I need to come home to your beauty after facing the ugly in our world. Christ, Sienna, I need you.” With desperation lacing the words, I can’t keep a tear from escaping.
“Only you ease the darkness in me. No one else.”
She throws her arms around my neck again and admits, “I thought you would be disappointed in me.”
“Never.” I pepper her hair with kisses. “I want to protect you and make life as easy as possible for you.” Staring deep into her eyes, I hope I reach her soul, as I say, “You’ve always struggled with anxiety, and not once have I brought it up.
I learned how to help you through your panic attacks, and I’ll learn everything about the phobia so I can avoid making things more difficult for you.
I will adapt to you, Sienna, because your peace of mind and happiness are the most important things to me. ”
It would fucking kill me, but I think I would even forgive her if she cheated on me. There’s nothing Sienna could do that would make me stop loving her.
“We’ll find a way to make things better for you,” I promise.
When she keeps staring at me, looking very exhausted, I rise to my feet and pull the covers back. “Get in bed, baby. You need to rest and let the medication do its work.”
She listens, and once she’s lying down, I take off her shoes before removing my boots.
When I get comfortable beside her, she scoots closer.
She’s so fragile and small in this moment, it makes my protective side morph into a powerful force that will obliterate anything and everyone who dares to hurt her.
“I love you,” I murmur lovingly as I engulf her with my body. “I love all of you.”
She clings to me like I’m all that’s anchoring her to reality. As if she fears loosening her grip for even a second would cause her mind to fracture beyond repair, and she will be lost to the terror she’s been fighting so hard.
“My brave, princess.” My lips brush against her hair, and I inhale her calming scent. “I’ll help you fight your fears.”
“How? You can’t stop being the capo dei capi.” Her words are muffled against my chest.
“No, I can’t, but I could wear a body cam so that you can see me every second of every day.”
Sienna’s head snaps back, shock flitting over her beautiful face. “You’d do that for me?”
The corner of my mouth lifts. “In case you haven’t noticed yet, I would do anything for you. I’ll check in with you constantly. I’ll wear a bulletproof vest.”
“I like the body cam idea.”
A new worry forms in my heart. “Will you be okay seeing me kill people?”
“As long as you’re not the one dying, I can handle anything.”
Staring at her, it sinks in just how much Sienna loves me. A few hours of thinking I was dead, shattered her, leaving fractures so deep she has to live with them for the rest of her life.
“I wish I’d known sooner. I hate that you had to deal with this phobia on your own for so many years.”
“I didn’t want you to lose respect for me,” she admits.
“That will never happen.” I press my forehead to hers. “No more secrets. Okay?”
When she nods, I notice how sleepy she’s getting.
“Take a nap, baby. I’ll be here when you wake up.”
I watch as she drifts off, thankful that I finally know what she’s been hiding from me.
I want to go with her to the psychiatrist so I can learn everything about this phobia, and come hell or high water, I’ll find ways to help Sienna.
I want to stop being the cause of her fear and give her the same peace she gives me.