Chapter 26
TWENTY-SIX
Anson
I shouldn’t ask her the question. It’s the least important thing right now in all of this, but I need to know what she wants from me in this moment.
If she wants anything at all. Because I love this woman so damn much.
The idea of having to watch her put herself in harm’s way by chasing after a man who doesn’t love her the way he should might kill me.
“I don’t think he broke out of prison for me.
I think it’s just as likely he didn’t want to accept the consequences and serve out his sentence.
I can’t believe he thought that could work.
” She shakes her head, letting out an exasperated sigh.
“So no, I don’t love him. Not like that.
I’m not sure I ever did, honestly. In retrospect, I don’t even know that I knew what it could feel like before—” She stops abruptly, shifting on her feet and running her hands up her arms. She looks away from me, unable to hold my gaze, and it makes my chest ache.
“I do care about him, though, and I hope he gets the help he needs. He had a rough childhood, and an even rougher time of things lately.”
I have thoughts about how Chris made a lot of his own problems worse. How he’s a grown ass man that needs to take responsibility for his own choices. But I know they’re not gonna help our current conversation.
“I wasn’t sure if seeing him again would make you feel differently. High-stakes situations like that can make emotions run high. Even people who don’t know their kidnappers can bond with them in that kind of situation.”
She scoffs loudly at that.
“There was no bonding. No rekindling. There was just me being absolutely terrified and thinking of all the ways that it could end badly for all of us. Trying to figure out some way I could stop him so he didn’t hurt anyone.”
“Thankfully it didn’t come to that.”
“Thankfully because you showed up. You saved me.” She takes a deep breath like she’s trying to recenter her emotions, I’m happy to give her whatever time she needs.
“You were amazing. I’m angry with you, but I want you to know how much I appreciate how selfless you are.
How much you’ve done for me, especially tonight.
” Her eyes are glassy with tears, and I don’t like the way she’s talking. It feels like she’s saying goodbye.
“Bristol… You know I’d do anything for you.” I feel the claw of emotions up the back of my throat, and I’m trying to choke them back. Trying to keep my feet rooted in place even though I want to wrap my arms around her and never let go.
“There are some things I don’t want you to do for me, Anson.” She gives me a pointed look.
“I just don’t want him to cause you trouble again. You deserve a chance to start over without him ruining it.”
“I do deserve that chance. But I don’t want to rob him of the chance to try to change his life either.
It might be a long road, but he should have the chance to walk it.
” She sighs softly again, looking to the floor before her eyes meet mine.
“And I definitely don’t want you to lose your chance to see your son grow up or go to college or play football because of me.
I couldn’t live with you going to prison because of me.
I care way too much about you and Ford.”
“You always believe in the best in people. I love that about you. I always have.”
“I thought you were that kind of person too. I really did think we had so much more in common than I realized all those years. That you were a better man than I could have ever imagined.” I can hear the layers of grief and fear in her tone. “Only to find out I never really knew you at all.”
“Don’t say that.” I feel the words land like a punch to the gut. I know I’ve held things back from her I shouldn’t have. “You know me. You might be the only person who really does.”
“Do I? I knew you had a double life. There were things I didn’t know, and lots that wasn’t my business to know. That’s fine. I could live with that. But this? You’ll always have that hanging over your head.”
“No one will ever find out about any of that.”
“You can’t know that for sure. A lifetime is a long time to try to keep those secrets buried. And if anyone else ever finds out, what then? How do we have a future? Not to mention you’re asking me to keep all these secrets too. To tell lies of omission to keep them.”
“I don’t want you to lie for me.”
“But I can’t tell the truth either.” Bristol shakes her head. “I don’t know what that future looks like.”
“I still want a future with you. Nothing’s changed for me,” I confess. I’m losing her. I can see it on her face, hear it in her voice. It makes my chest constrict with every word she speaks.
“I can’t pretend I don’t know all of this now. It changes everything, Anson. Even if I wish it didn’t.”
“I understand.” She’s been through so much right now; I don’t want to push her to accept more. Least of all from me.
She’s right after all. I never really let her in completely.
Never told her all the darkest secrets I had.
I thought if she knew, she’d leave. I felt like I was already asking too much of her to just see us as something other than what we’d always been—two lonely souls just trying to keep our family and businesses going.
But not telling her before I asked her for more after Halloween wasn’t fair to her.
I’m going to pay for that mistake dearly. Probably with all my hopes for the future, and maybe even with her leaving my life altogether.
“I can’t stop thinking about all the potential consequences. All the things you were worried about for Ford? What if he has to do all this without you?”
“I’m doing it to protect the people I love. I hope he’d understand that, and I know you’d look out for him. Bo and Hazel too.”
“But if anyone ever finds out about what you’ve done, if the wrong people discover it, what then? I lose you too? You could land in a prison cell right next to Chris.”
“It’s a risk, I suppose. I try not to dwell on it and focus on the things I can control.”
“So do I. And getting involved with someone who I love only to have to watch them be torn away? I don’t know if I can handle that. Chris was one thing, Anson. He was a bad habit I needed to quit, but with you, it’s different. I don’t think I could handle losing you like that.”
“The Stocktons have turned over a new leaf, and so have I. Especially because of you and Ford. But I can’t change what’s happened in the past. What’s done is done.”
“And you don’t have regrets?”
“None. I can’t lie about that. I don’t regret any decision I made because they were all done to keep someone I love safe. I’d do that a million times over.”
“And you’d do it again? If the choice was there?”
“If it means keeping you or Ford or one of my siblings safe? No question.”
“So it’s a huge risk then for me too. I’d have to accept that no sooner I finally feel like I’m getting all the things I never knew I wanted, they could all be ripped away in an instant. You could be ripped away and locked behind bars. I’d be powerless to do anything to stop it.”
“I have my reasons for feeling like that wouldn’t happen, Bristol. I wouldn’t ask you to take a chance on us if I thought it was going to fail.”
“But you know the risk is there.”
“You’re right. It’s possible.”
She shakes her head, tears welling in her eyes that I can feel burning in my own. I rarely cry, but tonight it could happen. Losing her might be one of those rare occasions. How do you live without the person who makes you whole?
“And then what?”
“I don’t know. I can’t know the future. All I can know is now.” I try to keep it together for her sake. Falling apart won’t help this discussion or all the emotions she probably has after such a terrifying experience. All I can do is try to answer her questions and be patient with her feelings.
“I need time to think about that choice.”
“I understand.”
My heart breaks with that kind of understanding, but I give it to her all the same.
I don’t know if I’d choose me if I were in her shoes.
She could have a life untouched by all of this.
She could find someone else without all my baggage.
There would be a dozen guys out there eager to be hers.
They’d be much less complicated and much more capable than I am of being what she needs.
And in the end, all I want is for her to have what she needs.