Chapter 27
TWENTY-SEVEN
Bristol
The next day, I sleep pretty much all day, avoiding the news, Anson, and my phone besides checking in on my mother and reassuring Ford that I’m all right.
I’m too afraid I’ll want to cry again when I don’t have any tears left to give.
Anson gives me my space, and Ford and I fall asleep in the living room watching reruns of our favorite movies.
But the morning after that, I have to get up and face reality.
I just have to put one foot in front of the other.
Chris is back in prison. Life is back to normal. Or at least as normal as it can be, given the wreck my life is at the moment. Chris couldn’t have had worse timing. But then that’s nothing new for him.
My first order of business is talking to Marlowe and Hazel, and I’m headed down to meet them at Hotcakes to do just that.
I scribble a note on the counter, letting Anson know I’ve just snuck out to see them before the tourist crowds rush in on Marlowe as they have been recently.
He and Ford are still asleep, and since they both still have work and school this morning, I don’t want to wake them.
Selfishly, I want a little more time before I have to have a conversation with Anson too.
“Are you doing okay?” Hazel gives me a sympathetic look.
“I’m all right. Really. It was scary seeing Chris that desperate, not knowing exactly what he’d do.
But somehow, I just knew in my gut that things would work out.
I knew I had Anson and you and Ramsey out there, and you all always find a way.
” I just didn’t realize what extremes they’d all go to to accomplish that goal.
“Well, I was told I couldn’t just bust into the attic and personally beat the hell out of him, which I really think was a disservice,” Hazel muses, trying to pry a smile out of me.
“I would have helped you, but smoking him out was pretty damn smart.” I have to give credit where credit is due.
“Bishop and Levi. Those two are fucking magic together. They seem to be able to MacGyver their way out of anything.”
“Well, I owe them. You think they’d like antiques or toys?”
“I think you give Aspen and Zeph a shopping spree at Many Moans and both of them will be very happy to help you out of any future situations.” Hazel grins as she mentions their partners.
“Let’s hope there aren’t any more of those,” Marlowe pipes in, otherwise quiet this morning.
“Right.” I nod. “Speaking of situations, I really got myself into one with everything that came before this. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth about me and Anson.
I couldn’t betray his trust, but I feel horrible for lying to you at the game.
For keeping such a big secret from both of you.
I wish I had come clean sooner. I hope you can forgive me someday. ”
“You don’t have to be sorry.” Marlowe shakes her head. “You’ve been through it this last year with Chris. Wanting something for yourself makes total sense. I shouldn’t have cornered you. I should have respected your privacy.”
“But I hurt Jasper in the process.”
“Jasper hurt himself. If he wanted something, he should have told you years ago. You didn’t mislead him; you told him you were seeing someone.
You just didn’t tell him who. That was none of his business.
You didn’t owe him that. How he didn’t realize that you and Anson were bound to end up together is a testament to how obtuse men can be.
” Marlowe shakes her head. “I just worry about him, but it isn’t fair to blame you for it. I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”
“Well, I plan to talk to him. To apologize for inadvertently hurting him if I did. I still want Jasper as a friend if he’ll have me.”
“I think he’ll forgive and forget with a little time. Especially when he realizes how oblivious he’s been about Anson.” Marlowe reassures me with a small smile and a pat on the back of my hand.
“I’m just happy that the two of you finally let yourselves just see where things could go.” Hazel eyes me over the rim of her morning coffee.
“I’m scared I made a huge mistake doing that.”
“What do you mean?” Hazel’s smirk fades to worry.
“I thought we could just have some fun. A friends-with-benefits situation, you know? Clear boundaries and all of that. If anyone could manage boundaries and rules, it should have been Anson and me. We’ve been doing it for years.”
“Anson doesn’t have boundaries where you’re concerned.” Hazel sets her coffee down, and her brows knit together. “You have to know that.”
“I’ve always counted on him for them. He’s the responsible one, you know?
The one who always keeps me accountable and asks the hard questions I don’t want to hear but need to.
I follow his lead. Now, everything is blurred, and we’ve crossed so many lines we weren’t supposed to.
I feel like I’ve made a mess of things.” I leave out the part where I also know that Anson’s morality is a lot grayer than I imagined.
That he’s not the infallible human being I put on a pedestal all these years, but the more I think about it, the more I’m not so sure it’s the dealbreaker I thought it would be.
After all, it’s not his fault I held him to those impossible standards, and while he might not have a spotless conscience, which of us really does?
There was plenty I was willing to overlook in Chris’s past. So many people I’ve given a pass over the years.
At least Anson was doing things for selfless reasons.
Just this short span of us not talking, even when I’m still in his house, feels like a void I’ll never fill with anyone else.
He’s the one I text little jokes to on my phone and who I call when I need help making a decision about dinner.
Anson’s the person I want to share all the inane things about my day with and then hear all about his.
That’s before we get to the way he makes me feel an endless supply of the kind of love and patience I’ve never received from anyone else.
I love him and can’t picture life without him. All I can think is how grateful I am that I have the kind of person in my life that would move mountains and men to be there for me when I need him the most.
“Maybe he’s tired of leading and wants someone to be at his side. Help make those decisions,” Hazel offers up. “You’ve been someone he can count on all these years too. Being there for him and Ford when they needed it. Maybe he sees you as someone he can trust to take the lead when he can’t.”
“What if I shouldn’t be trusted? I mean, I got us into this mess.
I put him at risk with everything going on with Chris.
Can you imagine if Ford lost him too, trying to get me out of there?
I would never have forgiven myself.” My throat feels tight just speaking those words into existence.
I couldn’t do anything about Ford losing my sister, but I’d be damned if he lost his dad too.
“You couldn’t have known about Chris. We all knew he was a little rough around the edges, but none of us would have thought he was capable of something like this.” Marlowe shakes her head and points her fork at me. “Don’t blame yourself for that.”
“Seriously. Take it from me.” Hazel gives me a pointed look because her own fiancé betrayed her in unimaginable ways. The same fiancé who Anson put six feet under somewhere.
“I feel like I’m getting to know a whole new version of Anson I didn’t know existed.
It makes me feel like everything up to this point has been…
not a lie exactly, but not the whole truth.
” I glance at Hazel. I don’t know how much Marlowe knows or doesn’t know.
She and I need to have that talk alone. But I know she’ll know what I mean.
“A lie of omission?” Marlowe supplies helpfully.
“Yeah, I guess.” I shrug.
I don’t really want to accuse Anson of lying. He kept it quiet to protect the people he loved and me. The less I knew, the better. But now I know, and I have to decide what I’m going to do with that information, if it means accepting that truth and the man behind it.
“Do you think you would have been ready to know that other version of him before now?” Marlowe asks.
I consider the question for a long minute, wondering if I hadn’t seen all the ways he’d been vulnerable with me in these last couple of months if I would have felt the same as I do now. I don’t think I would have appreciated the sacrifices he’s made nearly as much.
“No, probably not.”
“Then you trusted him to lead, and he did. He didn’t give you more than you could handle until you were ready.” Marlowe’s advice always hits hard.
“You’re not the same person you were a year ago either,” Hazel adds.
“Well, that’s true.”
“The big thing is whether or not you want to try to go back to the way things were, knowing this other version of him exists, or whether you want to try something new.” Marlowe makes the choice simple.
“I like the routine that we had. I like having Anson as a rock I can count on. I want to be in Ford’s life, and I hate the idea of risking it. Something new feels completely uncharted.” I’m scared of losing what I’ve had for so many years trying to chase something new. I’m scared of losing Anson.
“He’ll always be there for you, Bristol.
I know that much about my brother. I just think the thing you really need to ask yourself is if that rock you can count on is gonna feel the same if he meets someone and gets remarried.
There’s a whole lot of your routine that’s going to disappear. For better or worse.
“You don’t want to be sitting around after he’s engaged to someone new wishing you had a second chance with him.
It’ll be too late. Take it from me. There were so many nights I missed Ramsey after we separated.
I thought I might die from the grief of losing him.
I don’t wish that on anyone.” Hazel says something that makes my chest tighten as I imagine Anson walking down an aisle with someone else.
The idea of having to smile and toast to their future twists my heart in my chest. It must show on my face because Marlowe reaches out and pats the back of my hand.
“Sometimes you don’t get to decide whether you’re going to lose something or someone; you just get to decide what part of them you’re going to lose.” Marlowe’s brows knit together, and her eyes drift over me.
“Or what you’re going to keep.” Hazel’s pointed look returns, and I feel my stomach flip again.
“Or what you’ll gain by giving up the past.” Marlowe nods.
We sit for a long while in comfortable silence, drinking our coffee and eating our pastries. My friends are always good for that. Silently just being there for each other and knowing they have me and I have them if and when we need it. I love them for it.
“You’re right. It’s impossible to freeze time. There’s no going back to what we were, and either way it’s going to be different between us in the future. Not to mention, Anson deserves a second chance at happiness more than anyone I know.”
“You both do,” Hazel chimes in.
“Yes, don’t forget that part.” Marlowe underscores Hazel’s words with an arch of her brow.
They’re right. I know they are. I just have to decide what that second chance looks like and how we make it happen. But I’ll need Anson’s help to make those decisions.