Chapter 19
Autumn
S awyer gets out of his car and demands that I wait. He comes round to the passenger’s side and opens the door for me, extending out his hand, which I take.
“You might be a complete pain in my fucking ass, but let me walk you to your door.” He glowers at me as he speaks.
“Fine!” I huff back.
He walks me up to the porch and waits at the door while I fumble with my keys.
“Look after yourself, Autumn,” he says with finality as I walk in through the threshold of the house.
“Where are you going?” I ask, and surprise myself when I feel upset that he is about to leave.
“Home, Autumn. Whatever this is-” He gestures between the two of us “- it is never going to happen.”
I am stunned as he turns to walk back to his car.
“Sawyer! Please, don’t leave me tonight.” I lower my voice slightly, aware of the vulnerability in my voice. “I don’t want to be alone.” I blink, and he is back on my porch within seconds, cupping my face in his hands.
“I thought you’d never fucking ask,” he says with desperation and crushes his lips to mine with a furious hunger as he pushes me through the front door and down the hallway.
I hesitate before kissing him back with as much ferocity. He lifts my leg until it is hooked around his, then runs his hand up the back of my thigh, lifting my skirt higher and squeezing my ass in his hand. Grabbing my thigh, he traces as much of my tattoo as he can touch with his thumb, and my skin prickles instantly.
“God, you are beautiful. This is beautiful.” He runs his thumb up into the hem of my panties, running the pad of it over the colourful artwork on my hip.
My body is on fire. I have thought about how it would feel to kiss him multiple times, and nothing I imagined could live up to this. Sawyer kicks the front door closed and locks it. I place my hands on his chest as he runs his tongue over my bottom lip, then kisses me with passion and greed. The most intense kiss of my life. Everything about him is intense . He runs his hand up the small of my back, up to the back of my head, and grips my hair at the base of my skull, pulling it into a tight fist. Not expecting the sudden move, Sawyer pushes me against the wall.
Well, if I hadn’t been wet before, I was now. I’m surprised it’s not running down my thighs.
“Sawyer,” I say, in a breathy moan, as he catches my words in another kiss. His mouth prevented any more words from leaving my lips.
“Fuck, Autumn,” he responds, and he rests his chin on the top of my head. I let out a giggle. This feels completely forbidden, and I can’t get enough.
“Take your clothes off. Now,” he pants at me. I start to feel slightly self-conscious.
Without giving my insecurities a second thought, I kick my boots off and pull my blouse off over my head. I am standing in my hallway in my bra and black tube skirt, which has now ridden up my thighs. Sawyer just stands there, drinking in my body.
“Wow, you are so beautiful.” He lets out a deep groan.
I take his hand and lead him upstairs to my bedroom. He hesitates slightly.
The aftermath of Alice and I getting ready earlier is all over the floor. Makeup, hair tools and damp towels.
“Get on the bed,” he commands, and I comply.
I walk across the room and drunkenly climb onto the bed. In my head, I am a sexy goddess, but that is definitely not the case. I am uncoordinated and clumsy. As much as the alcohol is leaving my system, I can’t deny that it is affecting my ability to act like a normal human.
“Autumn. Wait. Stop. We can’t.” I see him having an internal battle, and I pause as I slide my skirt and chub-rub shorts down.
“What do you mean, stop?” I freeze in place with my clothes around my thighs.
“I am not fucking you when you’re drunk. Trust me, this is going to be way more painful for me than it is for you. Come and lie down with me.” He groans, rubbing a hand through his beard. His tone is pained.
I don’t even know what to say. I am so turned on that my body is practically vibrating. My shorts and skirt are half pulled down, and once again, I do as he says, then Sawyer wraps me in his arms. I arch my back and press my ass into the bulge in his pants.
“Please,” I whisper, pleading for his touch.
“You are testing me, Autumn. Don’t do that again. I don’t want there to be any confusion when I am finally buried in you. I want you to remember every single second when I fuck you, and I want you to remember screaming my name and coming on my dick. I am sober, you are not. It would be wrong.”
In this very moment, I wish chivalry would fucking die.
“Can you at least take your clothes off?” I ask, audibly annoyed.
“Not a chance. I trust you not to touch me again, but I don’t trust me not to do the same,” he growls into my ear, then kisses the nape of my neck. I take in all the available air in the room with one long breath and release it while mentally counting to ten. Sawyer squeezes my hip hard and then says,
“I’m serious, Autumn. Go to fucking sleep.”
Not ready to end the conversation, I roll onto my back so I am facing the ceiling. It feels easier to be vulnerable when I’m not looking at him, which is ridiculous, seeing as I am almost as naked as the day I was born, on my bed with a man that I hardly know.
“So, if we can’t fuck, can we talk?” I ask him, desperate for any kind of connection with him.
“Are you always so defiant?” He lets out a low chuckle along with his response.
“Yes. Always. Get used to it.” I wave my hand nonchalantly. “Why have you been following me?”
“Why did you delete my number?” he snaps back. Great. Answering a question with a question.
“I asked you first,” I say, with the maturity of a little kid, and poke my tongue out at him.
“I don’t know.” He answers honestly. “Ever since I saw you crumpled on the ground on your hands and knees, you awakened something in me that I haven’t felt for over a decade, and I haven’t stopped thinking about you since. It really isn’t coincidence that we keep running into each other. You do know that, right?”
He sounds more pained the longer he is talking. “I watched you all night tonight, and I didn’t even see what happened right under my nose. When I realized what that guy did, I wanted to rip his fucking eyeballs out. I tried to find you because I protect what’s mine. I was going out of my mind when I couldn’t find you. To be completely honest, thinking about you dating someone or another man touching you, whether you wanted them to or not, makes my fucking blood boil.”
The possessiveness of his confession goes straight to my core, and my entire body heats. This shouldn’t be so sexy, but I’ve never had anyone experience such jealousy over me and another man, and it is hypnotic, to say the least.
“Your turn now. Why did you delete my number?”
“Because you were a prick. Mr “If you don’t call me, someone else will.” that attitude sucks, and I don’t take well to the arrogance or mind games. It started so well. You were acting relatively - dare I say it - normal, then you screwed it up. I was obviously going to call you, then your cockiness got in the way.” For the first time since meeting Sawyer, he looks taken aback because he knows I am right.
“Also – don’t worry about making assumptions about me and my dating life. I can assure you that whatever you think is wrong. I haven’t even kissed someone in over five years, let alone fucked someone or let someone touch me. Nobody has ever cared enough about me to get jealous or, dare I say it, stalk me. You must be absolutely nuts to have made a beeline for me. You’re right about us. This is not meant to happen. I don’t want it to. All I wanted was sex, and you can’t even give me that.” I lie. I turn over, and without waiting for a response, I press my back into his chest once more, crossing my arms in front of my chest like some sort of protective armor.
Sawyer immediately pushes me away from his body and stands from the bed. An instant chill hits my back where his warmth was.
“No. You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to say that.” He takes my phone out of my bag and types his number in. “My name is Sawyer Green. That is what you’ll find my name under in your phone. If nobody ever cared enough about you to protect you or get jealous over you, I feel very sorry for you, Autumn. Don’t you ever delete my number again. I’m sorry, Autumn. I can’t stay. I need to go. But don’t lie to yourself. You want me as much as I want you.”
Then he left.
Me: Ali, I think I fucked up.
Alice: What happened? I woke up a few minutes ago. My head is fuzzy. Do I recall being brought home by Sawyer? Where the hell did he come from? Are you walking like John Wayne today?
Me: Ughhhh. He carried you to his car, then we got you home. He drove me back to my place. We had.. a moment.. in the hallway, and then I tried to have sex with him, and he rejected me.
Alice: What a dickhead.
Me: Because I was drunk.
Alice: So, when is the wedding? and what did you fuck up?
Me: I must have seemed so desperate. What is he going to think of me?
Alice: Well, if you were drunk, and he didn’t fuck you, he’s gone straight to the top of my ‘boyfriends I’d love Autumn to have’ list.
Me: Now I don’t quite remember, on account of being drunk, but I said to him something along the lines of “Please leave. All I wanted was a fuck, and you can’t even give me that.”
Alice: You ARE a bitch.
I video call Alice and discuss everything that happened last night, trying not to pay too much attention to the prick that put his hand up my skirt and more than enough attention to the Sawyer situation.
“Honestly, Autumn. What is wrong with you? You complain about not feeling love, but the first person that shows any interest in you, that you are clearly interested in too, brings out the ice queen in you.” I don’t appreciate the brutal honesty, even though she’s completely right. I have been horrid.
“I’m scared.” I huff out.
“Of him? or feelings?” she lets out a light chuckle.
“Maybe both. He is intense. Possibly the most intense man I have ever met in my life, and I am scared. Scared of potentially caring about someone. I’m very good at not doing that,” I start to say as Alice interjects.
“I know you’re scared. But I’ve also never seen you with heart eyes over someone that almost hit you with their car. Anyway, this doesn’t have to be some intense love affair. You know, it can simply be about the sex if you want it to be. Although I get the feeling that Sawyer doesn’t do casual.”
“I get that feeling, too, but honestly, he is a very hard man to read. I’ll probably never see him again anyway after presenting my ass to him, acting like a bitch in heat.”
“Sounds as though you’ve met your match then.” She beams into the camera lens.
It has been four days since Sawyer walked out of my house. The embarrassment I feel has prevented me from calling or messaging him, and I feel horrifically guilty for being such a bitch to him. He is so strangely alluring, and I can’t stop thinking about him not sleeping with me that night. I was giving it to him on a silver platter, and he was so reserved . Rejection of that kind should sting, but I know he wasn’t really rejecting me , but the idea of having sex with me when I was wasted. That makes him a million times more attractive.
God dammit, I have it so bad for this guy. What has happened to me? I haven’t thought about another guy in this way for years, possibly ever.
A few short weeks after meeting Sawyer, he’s what I’m thinking of when I wake up every single day.