Chapter 31 #2
“Me being selfish. Maybe I’m just too selfish to actually be a mother.”
“I said that shit out of anger, baby. I ain’t mean it.
I may not agree with your reasons, but I can’t take them away from you.
You having an abortion didn’t lead us here.
You were in an almost fatal car crash where your car rolled twice.
You were fucking kidnapped and beat on when you could barely defend yourself.
What happened to you is the blame for our baby not making it, not some shit you did years ago. You understand me?”
I sniffled a few tears away. “Yeah.”
“I need you to not shut me out during all of this, Lovey. You went through the abortion without me. I’m not about to let this be a repeat. We gone get through this and come out stronger in the end.”
“Okay.”
I cried for some time before I ended up falling asleep.
Seven kept me in the hospital overnight just to make sure I didn’t have any complications with the miscarriage.
Aside from the pressure and cramping, it went smoothly.
It could’ve been because my body was already in so much pain that it couldn’t even acknowledge the miscarriage even if it wanted to. Either way it went, I was surviving it.
When I got home, I was surprised to see Britain, Aja, Jadey, Priest, J’Ru, Kaymen, and the kids awaiting me and Ahk.
I was sure Britain probably bullied my brother into giving her the spare key to our penthouse and hounded everyone else to show up for me.
Talia was in our kitchen whipping up a nice breakfast while everyone else welcomed me with balloons.
“Graduate?” I bumped my brows together at the balloon J’Ru had.
He shrugged. “Shit, this the only one the corner store before your building had. We were in a rush.”
“Because somebody doesn’t like waking up early.” Aja rolled her eyes at him before pulling me into a hug.
“I know your heart, Ru. It’s okay,” I assured him with a laugh.
I gave everyone a hug and thanked them for showing up for me. I couldn’t have been more grateful for the family unit that I had. I never had to want for any love or support because they showered me in it.
“How you feeling? You need anything?” my brother asked as he cupped my face in his hands. He turned my head from side to side to get a full look at it, something he had been doing since I was a kid.
“I’m fine, PJ.”
“You just telling me that shit or you deadass?” He shot me a stern eye, the one he would give Genesis whenever he had to be serious with him.
I let out a deep breath. If there was anyone I could be open and honest with aside from my husband, it was my brother.
He noticed the hesitation that masked my face, and before I could kick him another lie, he dropped his hands from my face and took my hand into his.
He led me to the terrace and shut the door behind us.
It had always been me and him, so he knew whenever I needed to get some shit off my chest.
“Talk to me, Jazzy.”
We sat next to each other on the couch that decorated the terrace. There was a calm breeze that surrounded us, and in the distance, I could hear the noise of the traffic underneath us.
“I- um… well, Ahk and I… we had a miscarriage.”
The hurt that surfaced on his face made all my feelings I had been trying to push down come right back up. He didn’t waste any time pulling me into his arms and kissing me on the top of my head.
“I’m so sorry, Jaz. I know ain’t nothing I can say to make you feel better, but just know I’m here for you.
Whatever you need. I got you. Before I had Gen, you were my first baby, so whatever pain you feel, I feel that shit times ten.
I want you to take however long you need to sit in your emotions.
Don’t try to rush this shit. You’re human. ”
“I just feel so bad for Ahkeem. He’s been so excited to try, and now that I’ve had one miscarriage, I’m scared to even－”
“Hey,” he interjected me. “Don’t worry about that shit right now. Ahk’s gone be fine. I’m sure his mind not even on that right now. He’s worried about you and your mental. Just promise me you’re not gonna push him away. He wanna be there for you.”
As I wiped my tears, Priest and I both glanced back inside the penthouse where Ahk was sitting on the couch with his shoulders slouched and his head hanging low. He was trying to be strong for me and put his best foot forward, but I knew he was hurting.
“I won’t. Can you do me a favor, though?”
He nodded his head, eager to give me whatever I needed. “What’s up?”
“I love and appreciate you guys, but can you guys go home? I think Ahk and I just need some time alone without doctors popping in on us every hour.”
Priest chuckled. “I told Gioia it was too soon, but you know how she is.”
“She means well, but aren’t you guys supposed to be in St. Maarten right now?”
“Yeah, but we wanted to make sure you were good. That shit can wait.”
I smacked my lips while drying the rest of the tears that had fallen. “She’s about to pop, Priest. Take her on her last vacation before my niece comes and has you wrapped around her finger.”
“You sure you don’t need us here?”
I shook my head. “Me and Ahkeem will be fine. Go enjoy yourselves.”
He looked reluctant but decided not to protest. He pulled me into another embrace before kissing me on the top of my head. “Don’t ever get fucking kidnapped again.”
I laughed. “You’re acting like I asked for that shit.”
“I know. Just don’t let that shit happen again. I always tell you I’ll go to war for you. I mean that shit.”
“I know. Love you, PJ.”
“I love you too.”
Priest did what I asked him and got everyone to leave. Talia was kind enough to pack up all the food she made and place it in Tupperware in the fridge. Ahkeem sat with me on the couch, and I leaned my head against his shoulder.
“Lovey?”
“Yes, baby?”
“I wanna be here for you, and I wanna be the one you lean on. I need you to tell me how you feel right when you feel it. Don’t sit on your feelings because you think you can handle it all on your own.
You’ve shown everybody how strong you are by getting through all this shit.
I don’t need you to be strong. Never have.
Fall to pieces into my arms if you have to.
I’ll be right here to put you back together again. ”
I’d been keeping it together for the most part.
I always avoided sitting in my emotions because I never felt like it was productive.
I always had to keep moving and find the next thing to busy myself just so I could be numb to the pain.
Ahkeem was making sure I went through it instead of avoiding it so the pain of the miscarriage wouldn’t haunt me later.
He was my safe space. He never judged; he always comforted me and knew exactly what to say.
“I love you, Ahk.”
“I love you too, Lovey.”