Chapter 48
Jayna didn’t attempt to stop him. She let him walk out of her hospital room. Derek had paused just outside her door, listening to the heart wrenching sound of her crying. He’d wanted so badly to go back into her room and be the one to wipe her tears. But he wasn’t the wipe-her-tears type. His stomach had knotted as he kept walking and a couple of her tears had leaked from his eyes.
What the hell was wrong with him? He was emotionally stunted and incapable of love. He was not worthy of her.
Sitting on the soft grass, he stared moodily at the pond as the sun cast a golden hue over the still water. So many memories were wrapped up in this place. It was his childhood: this pond and the apple orchard beside it. He, Tommy, and Nick had run wild through the fields, hanging off the low branches of the apple trees, and cooling off in the pond. The air always seemed fresher here, filled with the sweet scent of ripening apples and the earthy aroma of the surrounding fields.
His eyes landed on the dog statue under the willow tree where they’d buried Albert a few months back. The black Lab Tommy had rescued from a ditch turned out to be the best dog ever. Derek could almost hear Albert’s joyful bark and see his wagging tail as he jumped into the pond after a tossed stick.
He leaned back on his elbows, staring up at the blue sky, his eyes lowering to the trees. The leaves were starting to change. Among the green were a few yellow and orange. Soon, they’d completely change color and fall to the ground. The pond would freeze over, and another magical summer would be behind him. He could already feel the crispness in the air, a reminder that time marched on indifferent to the moments it swept away.
This summer and early fall had flown by, and it was all Jayna’s fault. She had turned his life upside down. When he rushed into that cellar, he had been so frightened that he’d be too late, and he would lose her. The memory of her terrified eyes and the cold, damp walls of the cellar still haunted him. Sonny had stood over Jayna, a wild look in his eyes, holding that deadly syringe. He’d never felt such fear before. It was a bone-deep terror that gripped him and refused to let go. He’d almost lost her.
Then he reverted to his closed-off self. He pushed her away and lost her anyway.
There wasn’t much he was afraid of. Yet he was terrified of the way Jayna made him feel. He always ended things before they got too entangled, and he felt relief immediately after. But this time, there was no relief. There was just bitter regret. He should have fought for her. He should never have let her go.
However, he kept going back to the fact that he was to blame for putting her at risk. Sure, they’d only been fake dating. But he’d fallen for her. If he hadn’t been too afraid to admit his feelings to himself and her, then she would never have started dating Lance. She’d never have attracted Sonny’s attention. It was exactly what he’d done to Tommy, bailing on enlisting and sending his brother to that hell hole all alone. He wasn’t trustworthy. He couldn’t be depended on by those who loved him.
Scrubbing a hand over his face, he groaned out loud. He had nothing to offer Jayna, but a broken shell of a man. He may present to the world this overly confident, fearless man. But he was too afraid to open his heart. He truly had nothing to offer Jayna; he’d just hurt her more.
That’s what he did. He hurt the people who loved him, disappointing them time and again. Jayna had already suffered enough; he didn’t need to add to her pain.
A dog barked and pounced on him. “Hey Norbert. I am so sorry you were given such a stupid name.” He scratched the dog’s ears, feeling a small flicker of joy at the familiar companionship.
“It’s not a stupid name.” Tommy sat beside him. “Why are you sitting here looking like the sky is about to fall?”
Derek shot his brother an annoyed glance. “Just sitting here. There’s no sky falling.”
“Are you constipated, then?”
“No! I’m enjoying the peace and quiet.” In reality though, the quiet made his thoughts louder, more insistent.
“Mom has Dulcolax if you need it.”
“I’m not constipated!” Derek growled. “Is there a reason you’ve decided to ruin my chill?”
“No, it’s just fun,” Tommy said, squeezing his knee. “I hear you’re a hero.”
“Hardly.”
“Hardly? You took out a serial killer. Saved Jayna’s life.” Tommy’s voice was filled with pride. “My brother is a certified hero.”
Derek turned and stared at Tommy. Every time he thought about how close Jayna had come to losing her life, he felt sick. It was pure luck that he followed Sonny that night. Just a gut instinct. Sonny had killed Greta and Duncan yet hadn’t even made it on the police department’s radar. The man had simply snapped. But Duncan? The busboy had been peeping in the wrong window at the wrong time, catching a glimpse of something he was never meant to see. He must have been a loose end that Sonny couldn't afford to leave behind.
Derek shuddered, the weight of all that had happened pressing down on his chest, making it difficult to breathe.
He sighed and looked back at the pond, its surface calm and serene, a stark contrast to the turmoil inside him. “I did what anyone would have done. Besides, Jayna had already kicked the shit out of Sonny. I merely had to restrain him.”
Tommy shook his head. “Not everyone would have had the guts to follow their instinct. To face down a killer.”
Derek shrugged. “I guess.”
Tommy’s gaze softened. “You did good, Derek. Really good. ”
“I still hurt her, Tommy. Jayna told me that she’s in love with me, and I walked.”
Tommy leaned forward, scratching Norbert’s ears. “Why did you?”
“Why did I what?”
“Why did you walk?”
Derek shrugged again. “Dunno. I don’t do relationships.”
“Why?” Tommy asked.
“Why what?” Derek repeated.
“Derek! Can you stop acting like your asshole self for a moment and have a serious discussion?” Tommy let out a frustrated sigh. “Why don’t you do relationships?”
“I just don’t.”
“So, stop.”
“Stop what?”
“Seriously, Derek. Stop being an insensitive, pigheaded jerk. Go talk to her.”
“What if she tells me to get lost?”
“Who?” Tommy waggled his brows.
“Ha ha. You’re frigging hilarious.”
Tommy chuckled, then his voice turned serious again. “Does she know how you feel about her?”
“Who?”
“Damn it, Derek. I’m about to plant my fist in your face. If you want my advice, stop being a dumbass.”
“I don’t recall asking for your advice. I was sitting here, enjoying the quiet, then you and the dog with the stupid name showed up.”
“I don’t know why I even bother to try.” Tommy punched him in the arm. “But you’re my brother, and I want to see you happy. So, one more time. Have you told Jayna how you feel about her?”
He shrugged yet again.
“So, that would be a no.” Tommy shook his head. “You need to tell her. In clear, concise words. No grunts allowed.”
“I don’t grunt. And what’s the point? I blew my chance with her. She’s seriously pissed. ”
Tommy blinked. “Damn, you are so dense! The point is that you’re in love with her.”
Now he did grunt.
“You are, Derek! Stop fighting it and start fighting for her.”
“I wouldn’t have a clue where to start.”
“Start by being honest. Tell her how you feel. It wouldn’t hurt to apologize for being such a jackass.”
Why did his brothers keep pushing him to admit his feelings and to apologize?
“I hurt the people who love me. I can’t be depended on.” Derek inhaled a deep breath and let it out through his nose. “I bailed on you. I hurt you. I left you all alone.”
Tommy stared at him for several long moments. “Derek, you need to let go of the guilt. It is not your fault that I was held captive.”
He shook his head, grimacing. “If I had been there, I could have protected you.”
Tommy pressed his lips together. “Or you could have died in the blast. Derek, it’s not your fault that you weren’t there.”
“But it was my stupid idea to enlist in the first place.”
“You were twelve when you came up with it. We had just joined the army cadets. I thought it was a great idea, too. But you lost interest, I didn’t. I really wanted to join the army, to do something great. I didn’t sign up because I thought you were joining too. I enlisted because I wanted to!”
Derek closed his eyes, absorbing his brother’s words.
“Derek, I chose to go. I have come to terms with it. Despite the horror of those 3 years, it has helped shape me into the man I am today. And I don’t want it to destroy the man you could be. We have already lost too much, don’t let it take any more years from us. From you.”
He nodded. His brother was right. He needed to let go of the guilt. Tommy had forgiven him, now he just had to forgive himself. When he thought his brother had been killed, a piece of himself had crumbled and died that day. He had encased what was left of his heart in ironclad armor, so it couldn’t be hurt anymore. It was time to remove the shield.
“I think Jayna is the one woman, no, make that the only woman who could put up with you. If you let her go, then you are even more stupid than I gave you credit for.”
Derek shook his head, a slow smile lifting his lips. Tommy was right again. No one except Jayna would put up with his crap. No one understood him like she did. She had no problem calling him on his crap, then moving past it. Not many women would have been able to kick the shit out of their captor like Jayna had. She was truly an exceptional woman.
This feeling inside of him wasn’t going away. In fact, it kept growing. He wanted Jayna. He needed her. He wasn’t going to meet someone better. There wasn’t another woman like her. Obviously, he wasn’t going to get over her. If that was the case, then he needed to find a way to make this all right. He had a big decision to make and, like he did with all the big decisions in his life, he made it instantly.
“You’re right, Tommy.” Derek stood. “Let’s go.”
Tommy looked up. “Go where?”
“Ring shopping.”
“Ring shopping?”
“I need a ring if I’m going to propose.”
“Propose?”
“Yeah.”
“I didn’t mean to ask her to marry you.” Tommy’s mouth gaped open.
“I’m done wasting time.” He started walking up the hill. Tommy ran to catch up. The puppy raced past them both, barking excitedly.
“You can never take your time with anything. You’re so impulsive!” Tommy grabbed his arm. “Just start by asking her out to dinner. See where that leads.”
Derek’s eyes narrowed. “Are you saying that you think she’ll say no?”
“That’s not at all what I’m saying,” Tommy groaned. “I’m saying that you should date a bit first. Get to know each other better.”
“I’ve known her for over two decades.”
Tommy let an annoyed breath hiss out between his teeth. “You’re missing an entire step. The whole dating first.”
“We dated for a month.”
“Fake dated!”
“Oh, it was far from fake,” Derek grinned.
“Does Jayna know that?”
“She told me that she loves me.” He lifted his palms upward.
“And then you walked out the door,” Tommy reminded him.
“And,” he drew out the word. “Like you said, I’ll apologize for that.”
“Derek, you can’t just show up on her doorstep with a lame apology and a ring.”
“Yeah, that didn’t exactly work for Nick.” He scratched the two days’ growth on his chin. “I’ll need something extra.”
“Oh, you’re already extra enough.” Tommy shook his head back and forth. “Just take some flowers, your lame apology, and ask her out to dinner.”
“You ARE saying that you think she’ll say no!”
“Oh, I’m definitely saying that!” Tommy rolled his eyes. “You have a lot to make up for.”
Derek smirked. “Care to place a wager on it?”
Tommy laughed and stared at Derek’s dirt-covered pickup. “You’re on. If she says yes, I’ll wash your truck for a month.”
“I want it waxed too,” Derek added.
“Hold on.” Tommy held up his right hand. “When she says NO, you wash my truck for two months and clean up the dog poop in the yard.”
Derek extended his hand. “No problem, because she’ll say YES. And I’m planning to get a puppy too, so add clean up after my dog, who won’t have a stupid name.”
They shook on it. For the first time since he’d walked out of Jayna’s hospital room, he felt hopeful. He would fight for her like Tommy suggested, and she’d agree to marry him. No way was he spending the rest of his life without her or losing this bet .
He wanted what Tommy had, and thankfully, that wasn’t his brother’s girl as well. For a while, he had become consumed with the idea of Leighton. It wasn’t only Tommy at the age of ten who had been drawn to Leighton. He had loved being around her, too. Then she’d made the choice between them, and like everyone, she chose Tommy. Something broke inside him that day. As a result, he became the ‘no good’ boy, and then man that everyone expected him to be.
But Jayna saw him differently. She saw him as he was, accepted him, and understood that the bad boy act was just that—an act. He could be himself around her, with no pretense. And yet, he’d pushed her away. He had yet again broken her heart, and for that, he would do whatever it took to make it right.