Chapter 35
Standin’ over Echo’s dead body, I couldn’t believe what the fuck I had just done, but I couldn’t take it back.
The rain was hittin’ my face so hard it felt like the sky was tryna slap sense into me, but it wasn’t workin’ ‘cause my mind was still stuck on what my hands just did.
Echo was layin’ on the wet pavement, and I stood over her with my chest heavin’ and my stomach tight, watchin’ her eyes stare at nothin’ while the rain mixed with everything else on the ground.
Her mouth was parted like she had tried to say somethin’ at the end, but whatever she wanted to say stayed trapped inside her, and I watched her take that last breath.
I wasn’t even shakin’ at first, and that’s what scared me more than the blood did, ‘cause I always thought if I ever did some wild shit like this, I would lose it immediately. I thought I would drop the gun and scream and fall to my knees, but I ain’t do none of that.
I just stood here, pregnant as hell with the rain soakin’ through my clothes.
All that rage I been swallowin’ for months, all that hurt I been tryna pray through, all that stress I been carryin’ in my back and my hips and my damn stomach, it finally came up outta me and I couldn’t push it down no more.
I was tired of hearin’ Echo’s voice. I was tired of her speakin’ on my husband like she owned his past and was tryna write his future.
I was tired of her puttin’ my name in her mouth like it tasted good to disrespect me.
I was tired of her lookin’ into cameras like she was the victim and I was just some dumb wife sittin’ in the background waitin’ for my life to fall apart.
The last straw wasn’t even the courtroom itself, even though watchin’ her sit in that seat and lie on my husband made my stomach burn.
The last straw was that moment she said it would be unfortunate for my lil’ girl to grow up without her daddy ‘cause he was gon’ be facin’ the death penalty.
She said it like she was already picturin’ my baby cryin’ for a man who couldn’t come home.
To me, that was too much.
A bitch could speak on me if she wanted to play like that, and she could even speak on my husband if she had a death wish, but a bitch couldn’t speak on my child.
A bitch couldn’t put her raggedy ass mouth on my baby’s future like she had the right. Somethin’ snapped in me the moment I heard it, and that’s when I realized right then that Echo ain’t know what kind of bitch she was really playin’ with.
Everybody always thought Kay’Lo was the one, and everybody always feared him.
Everybody always whispered about what he could do, what he had done, and what he would do again if somebody pushed him wrong.
I knew my husband was dangerous, and I loved him anyway.
He had killed for me. He had protected me in ways most women only dreamed about, and I always thought the world would never push me into that space.
I always thought I would never have to become that kind of woman.
But rage ain’t give a fuck what you thought you would never do. It ain’t care what kind of girl you used to be. Rage ain’t care that you was pregnant and that ya body was heavy and ya mind was tired. Rage just took the wheel and drove.
That support group shit was what did it too ‘cause Echo was so busy tryna look like an angel that she forgot she was givin’ too much away.
She had been postin’ dates and times like it was a flyer for a party, and she was smilin’ in them videos talkin’ about grief and healin’ like she wasn’t the reason the damn grief in this situation even existed.
I told Kay’Lo I was gon’ be on the other side of the mansion for a while ‘cause I needed space to clear my head, and that wasn’t even a full lie ‘cause I did need space, but I ain’t tell him I grabbed one of his guns, and I took it like it was mine, then slipped out quiet like a shadow while he thought I was in another room foldin’ baby clothes and complainin’ about my back.
Now I was standin’ over Echo’s body with that same gun in my hand, and I realized I couldn’t undo it.
The sound of my own breath was loud in my ears, and the rain made everything slick.
My shoes felt heavy like they was stuck to the ground.
My belly felt tight, and my baby moved, and that movement almost brought me back to myself ‘cause it reminded me I wasn’t alone in my body.
I wasn’t just Toni right now. I was My’Love’s mama, and I had to get outta here.
I had to get home, and make sure I ain’t stress her out so bad that I put us both in danger.
I forced my eyes away from Echo’s face and looked around the parkin’ lot.
I couldn’t see nobody near, but I ain’t trust nothin’ ‘cause you never knew who was lookin’ out a window or who was drivin’ by slow.
I tightened my grip on the gun and turned my body away, then I started movin’ as fast as my pregnant ass could move.
Fast for me was still a waddle, and that pissed me off ‘cause my body felt like it was workin’ against me when I needed it most. My heart was beatin’ hard, and my stomach was rollin’.
My mouth tasted like metal, and my throat felt tight.
I crossed the street to where my car was parked, and the rain drenched me so bad I could feel it runnin’ down my back, but I ain’t care.
I yanked the door open, slid inside, and pulled it shut like that was gon’ seal everything I just did outside.
My hands was shakin’ now. This was a deep shake, like my body was finally catchin’ up to my mind and realizin’ what happened. I looked down at my fingers and saw how tight I was squeezin’ the steerin’ wheel, then I looked at the gun in my hand like I ain’t know how it got here.
I had never killed nobody in my life…
I had screamed at bitches, and I had fought before.
I had cussed muthafuckas out in public. I had been ghetto and reckless in my younger days, but I had never took a life.
That wasn’t supposed to be me. That was Kay’Lo’s lane.
That was the part of him everybody feared, and the part of him I tried not to think about too much ‘cause it was easier to love him when I focused on how he loved me.
Now I understood somethin’ I ain’t wanna understand.
I had it in me too…
That thought made my stomach flip. I put my hand over my mouth and swallowed hard ‘cause I felt like I was gon’ throw up. I sat there for a second just breathin’, tryna calm myself down.
The rain was heavy, and the roads was slick
As hell, but I drove. My adrenaline was pumpin’, and it made me feel sharper than I should’ve.
My eyes was catchin’ every reflection and every shadow, every pair of headlights behind me.
I kept checkin’ the mirror like I expected sirens to pop up outta nowhere.
My chest kept tighten’ and loosenin’ as I tried to control my breath.
I kept tellin’ myself I did what I had to do, and she deserved it. But then another voice crept in, quieter and colder, and it said I just ruined my life.
I pushed that voice down ‘cause I couldn’t afford to hear it right now. I needed to get home. I needed Kay’Lo. I needed to feel his arms around me ‘cause I ain’t know how to hold myself together without him.
By the time I got to the gate of our mansion, my whole body felt wrong.
My mouth watered like I was about to throw up, my hands was sweaty, and my belly felt heavy in a way that scared me.
I pulled up, the gate opened, and I drove through, but the second I got on the property, my vision blurred for a second and my stomach rolled again.
I pulled over, then I sat there with my head leaned back against the seat.
I needed Kay’Lo right now.
I grabbed my phone with shakin’ hands and called him. I ain’t even think about what I was gon’ say. I just called him like a little girl callin’ for her daddy.
He answered quick, and I could hear the edge in his voice already, like he knew somethin’ was off just from the way I called.
“Toni?” he said. “What’s wrong? Where you at?”
I tried to talk, but my throat locked up. All that came out was a broken sound, like my body was tryna cry and vomit at the same time.
“Baby,” he said, his voice sharper now. “Talk to me. What room you in?”
I swallowed hard and forced the words out. “I’m outside.”
There was a pause on the line that felt like his mind froze for a second.
“Outside?” he repeated, like he ain’t understand why I would be outside in this rain when he thought I was safe in the house.
I tried to breathe, but my breath came out ragged. “Kay’Lo,” I whispered, and my voice cracked.
He ain’t waste time askin’ questions. I heard movement, like he was already gettin’ up and movin’ fast.
“I’m comin’,” he said, and the line went quiet for a second like he was runnin’ and holdin’ the phone at the same time.
I stayed in the car for two more seconds, then my body finally forced me out.
I opened the door and stepped out into the rain, and it hit me full force.
My clothes stuck to me. My hair was already wet, and my shoes slid a lil’ on the driveway.
I held the gun in my hand, and I couldn’t even believe I was standin’ on my own property like this.
I started walkin’ toward the house. My belly bounced heavy with each step, and I hated that I couldn’t move faster.
Kay’Lo came out the front doors in the rain like a storm himself with no umbrella, or hesitation.
His shirt was already soakin’ through, his eyes sharp, and his whole body lookin’ like he was ready to kill whoever made me sound like that on the phone.
He scanned the driveway fast, then his eyes landed on me, and the second he saw my face, somethin’ changed in his expression.
He walked fast toward me, and I met him halfway, my feet movin’ on instinct, and the moment I got close enough, my body broke. I started cryin’ so hard it felt like I couldn’t breathe, and I clung to him like he was the only thing keepin’ my ass together.
His hands grabbed my arms first, then his eyes dropped and caught the gun in my hand, and he froze for half a second, like he was tryna understand why the gun was in my hand in the first place.
“Baby,” he said low, “what the fuck goin’ on?”
I shook my head, cryin’ harder, and my words fell out messy. “I shot her,” I choked out. “I fuckin’ shot her, baby.”
Kay’Lo’s face tightened. “Shot who?”
I lifted my eyes to his, and the rain ran down my cheeks so it mixed with my tears, but I knew he could see the truth in my face.
“Echo,” I said, my voice crackin’. “She dead.”
For a second, he ain’t move, and the only thing I could hear was the rain and my breath and the way my heart was beatin’ too hard inside my chest.
Kay’Lo stared at me like his brain was runnin’ through every possible explanation, and none of them was landin’ right ‘cause it didn’t make sense for me to be the one sayin’ this.
Then his hands moved again. He took the gun from my hand immediately, and turned it away from us, checkin’ it. Then he tucked it up and out the way like it was nothin’.
His eyes came back to me, and this time his voice was lower, but it carried weight.
“Baby,” he said, “look at me. Look at me.”
I tried, but I was cryin’ too hard. My whole body was shakin’, and my stomach tightened again, and I grabbed my belly like I was scared I was hurtin’ my baby.
Kay’Lo’s hand slid to my face, his thumb wipin’ my cheek even though the rain kept puttin’ more water there. “You good? You bleedin’? You hurt?” he asked, and his voice got rougher on the last word.
“No,” I whispered. “I’m not hurt.”
He wrapped an arm around me and guided me toward the house, keepin’ his body close like he was makin’ sure I ain’t slip on the wet driveway, but his other hand stayed on my stomach the whole time, pressin’ and rubbin’ like he was checkin’ on My’Love more than he was checkin’ on me.
I could feel his palm firm against my stomach, and I could feel how hard he was concentrating even though he wasn’t sayin’ much.
Kay’Lo wasn’t the type to panic out loud, but he was the type to move straight to what mattered.
“Baby, breathe,” he said low, pullin’ me closer as the rain kept comin’ down hard. “I need you to calm down, baby. Talk to me with your breath right.”
I tried, but my chest was tight and my tears wouldn’t stop, and my hands was shakin’ so bad I had to clutch his shirt just to feel like I was still standin’ on my own two feet.
The gun was gone from my hand now, and I ain’t even remember when he took it, but I was glad it wasn’t on me no more ‘cause I ain’t trust myself with nothin’ right now.
Kay’Lo’s hand didn’t leave my stomach. He pressed again, then he rubbed slow, then he pressed like he was askin’ her to answer him.
“My baby,” he murmured. “Come on, My’Love. Let daddy feel you.”
I swallowed hard and looked up at him, and he ain’t give me some long speech or ask a bunch of questions. He just kept his hand there, patient and firm, and I could tell he wasn’t movin’ until he knew our baby was okay.
Then, My’Love kicked…
It wasn’t soft either. It was a real thump against his palm, like she was lettin’ him know she was still in there and she wasn’t goin’ nowhere.
Kay’Lo’s shoulders dropped a lil’, and I felt my own breath finally come out like I had been holdin’ it for too long. I put my hand over his, pressin’ where he was pressin’, and for a second we just stood there in the rain with our hands on my belly feelin’ our baby move around.
Kay’Lo leaned his forehead down to mine, and I leaned into him right back, cryin’ hard but also feelin’ that bit of relief spread through me.
“A’ight,” he whispered, his voice rough. “She good. She right here.”
I nodded, my tears droppin’ down my face so fast I couldn’t wipe them all. “I’m sorry,” I choked out, and I ain’t even know what I was apologizin’ for first.
“Stop…You hear me? We gon’ deal with whatever later, but right now you gotta get in this house and calm down for my baby.”
He pulled back just enough to look at me, then he wiped my cheek with his thumb even though the rain kept replacin’ the tears.
He guided me the rest of the way to the door with his hand still on my stomach like he ain’t trust nothin’ else. Once we got under the covered part by the entrance, the rain ain’t hit as hard, but my body was still shakin’ and my mind was still spinnin’.
Kay’Lo opened the door, walked me in, and kept me close, basically holdin’ me together without sayin’ a bunch of words.
As soon as the door shut behind us, and the sound of the rain got muffled, the truth hit me again so hard I almost stumbled.
I really killed Echo.