Chapter 6
6
F leur woke up to her phone vibrating aggressively on the bedside table. Groggy, she reached for it, barely cracked open one eye, desperately wanted to go back to sleep, and squinted at the screen. Three missed calls and eight unread messages. She frowned and sat bolt upright. It wasn’t even seven. Who in their right mind was calling her so early?
Another buzz. This time, a voice note from Cassy. That was never a good sign. Cassy only sent voice notes if something major had happened—either an emergency with one of the boys of which there had been a few or on one memorable occasion, a limited-time sale on Le Creuset. Yawning, Fleur hit play.
‘Oh my goodness!’ Cassy’s voice blasted through the speaker. ‘When you wake up, check your messages. I’ve been up since the crack of dawn and am losing my actual mind. Haha! You’re not going to believe this but Sarah posted from the hospital car park. It’s happening. I repeat, it is happening and doesn’t everybody know about it? The whole of England knows. The King has issued a press statement. I thought her socials were about her psychology business. Anyway.’
Fleur blinked. Before she could fully process it, a message came through from Lucy.
Lucy: Mum. Don’t freak out. But Sarah’s in labour.
Fleur groaned, rubbing her face, and whispered to herself. ‘Oh, for god’s sake. I don’t care.’
Patrick stirred. ‘What's going on?’
‘Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you. Sarah’s in labour.’ Fleur held her phone up in front of her face and scrolled through the messages.
Patrick made a noise that was half yawn, half grunt. ‘Right. Okay. And?’
Fleur side-eyed. ‘And apparently, everyone I’ve ever met thinks I need to be alerted about it immediately.’
Patrick flopped onto his back, staring at the ceiling. ‘Right. So, she’s having a baby. That is what happens at the end of a pregnancy. Not exactly breaking news. Really?’
Fleur rolled her eyes. ‘Yes, but apparently, there’s drama.’
Patrick sighed clearly gearing up for whatever nonsense was about to unfold. ‘Go on, then. Hit me with it. She’s the only one to ever have such a bad birth, rah, rah, rah. Then it will be the most magical baby ever, then how much she loves breastfeeding.’
Fleur chuckled and scrolled to Lucy’s next message and read aloud. ‘Sarah’s waters broke at home, but instead of going straight to the hospital, she filmed a labour vlog first. She made Dad record her getting ready for the hospital twice because she didn’t like the first take. Then she tried to do a transition where she went from breathing through a contraction to doing her hair.’
Patrick squinted. ‘You’re joking?’
‘Weird, right?’
Patrick let out a low whistle. ‘That woman is unhinged.’
Fleur continued to scroll. ‘Luce, filmed some, too.’
Patrick sat up. ‘Oh, brilliant. So now she’s on unpaid camera duty as well as big sister duty.’
Fleur groaned. ‘I knew I should’ve had a word with her about this. But I thought she was sensible and wouldn’t get sucked in. Clearly, I was wrong.’
Patrick grabbed his phone from the bedside table. ‘Well, let’s see if they’ve gone fully unhinged yet.’
Fleur narrowed her eyes. ‘What are you doing? I didn’t think you did social media?’
‘Checking Instagram and her other socials, obviously.’
‘Patrick—’
Patrick was already scrolling and within seconds, he sniggered. ‘Yep. There it is. She live-streamed from the hospital car park. This woman is actually unreal.’
Fleur grabbed the phone from him, and sure enough, there was Sarah, sitting in the passenger seat of their car, mid-contraction, one hand dramatically clutching her bump, the other perfectly framing herself for the camera.
Sarah panted into the screen. ‘So, we’re officially on our way to have this baby! Can you believe it? Oh my god, I’m so excited but also in so much pain, like, owww!’
Fleur winced. ‘I can’t watch this.’
Patrick hooted. ‘Hang on, I want to see what Ben’s doing. Cannot stand the man and this is gold. Good luck to him the next time he walks into the pub.’
Ben appeared on Patrick’s screen and looked absolutely dead behind the eyes, gripping the steering wheel like a man questioning all his life choices.
‘Ben, say hi to everyone!’ Sarah trilled.
Fleur shook her head as Ben gave the camera the weakest, most defeated wave in history.
Patrick’s eyes rolled. ‘Oh, mate. He looks ruined already. I have to say this is funny.’
Fleur sighed. ‘I don’t know whether to laugh or be horrified.’
‘Laugh. Definitely laugh.’
Fleur shook her head. ‘I swear to goodness, if she has a ring light set up in the delivery room, I will lose my mind.’
Patrick grinned. ‘You know she will.’
Another message came through from Lucy.
Lucy: Mum. She’s STILL filming. She just asked a midwife if they’d mind recording the birth from a good angle.
Fleur dropped the phone onto the bed. ‘Nope. I’m out. I refuse to engage with this level of insanity. She’s off her rocker.’
‘Not all there.’
Fleur dragged herself out of bed. ‘I need tea and then I need to debrief this with Cass.’
Padding downstairs, as she pulled her dressing gown on, phone in hand, Patrick followed behind her. By the time Fleur had a mug of tea in front of her, Cassy had sent another voice note. ‘Have you seen the latest update? Sarah’s just posted a poll on Instagram asking people to guess how dilated she is. I have left my own body.’
‘I refuse to believe that is real.’ Fleur said to Patrick.
Patrick, still scrolling, let out a bark of laughter. ‘Nope. It’s real.’
Fleur clutched her forehead in faux drama. ‘This cannot be, someone who is in my daughter’s life and meant to be a role model.’
‘Well, technically, it’s Ben’s life. He looks like he wants to throw himself out of the window, so small victories?’
‘I almost feel bad for him. But then I remember who he is, and I don’t.’
Patrick raised his mug in a toast. ‘To karma. And to whatever poor midwife has to put up with them today. She will need a lot of patience.’
Fleur shook her head. ‘You just know there’s going to be a full-on birth announcement with a professionally edited photo and some ridiculous caption.’
‘What do we reckon?’
‘“So blessed to have documented every single moment of my labour journey for you all” with some aesthetic picture of her holding the baby while Ben looks like he’s aged ten years in the background. I hope Luce has the sense to keep out of it.’
Patrick grinned. ‘I give it four hours.’
Fleur exhaled, resigned. ‘Three.’
They clinked their mugs together in agreement and Fleur shook her head and hoped it wouldn’t all go to pot. She had a horrible feeling she was going to be proved wrong.