Chapter 12 #3
“Voila! One best friend junk food delivery. No tips needed. Just enjoy!” she says with a big grin, showcasing all she set out on the table like a game show host.
“Thanks so much, Ava. I don’t know what to say.”
She begins to scoop out the ice cream onto the paper plates and looks over at me with an embarrassed expression. “I should have brought bowls. Sorry. I was in a hurry.”
“No bowls? Well, our party is ruined,” I joke as I take the gallon of ice cream from her. “I think I’ll just binge from the carton, if that’s okay with you.”
“Sure! I’m more of a poundcake kind of girl myself, as you well know, so enjoy! I put the heat on in my car and held the tin in front of the vent, and I think it’s nearly okay to eat, believe it or not.”
Holding up the knife, she announces, “The test. Let’s see.”
Unfortunately, the heater in her car, which must have made the ride here in seventy degree weather and terrible humidity a nightmare, didn’t achieve defrosting the cake entirely. The knife gets stuck halfway through, disappointing her.
“So much for my attempt at MacGyvering it. Let me just pop it into the microwave for a minute. I’m sure it’ll work. How’s the ice cream?”
I stuff the third spoonful into my mouth and nod. “Just what the doctor ordered. Thanks.”
While we wait for the poundcake to defrost in the microwave, she sits down on the bed Marius would never choose because of his fear of invading room crashers and folds her legs underneath her. “So, I have an idea I’d like you to consider.”
After swallowing another spoonful of ice cream, I shrug. “That I’m nuts?”
Ava rolls her eyes. “No. That you’re suffering from postpartum depression.”
I level my gaze on her face. “I considered that, but I think it tends to go away by five months after you give birth, doesn’t it?”
At the moment the microwave dings to let us know it’s finished warming up our other treat, Ava shouts, “Wrong!” She jumps up to hurry over to the microwave and continues, “It can last for years, if not treated.”
“Really?”
Is it possible this might be something that can be handled by doctors?
She sets the now warm poundcake on the table and cuts each of us two slices. Handing me a plate, she smiles and says, “Really. So let’s eat. You need to keep up your strength.”
I don’t tell her sugary sweets aren’t really great for that purpose since I don’t want to ruin the mood. Not that I care if this cake and ice cream do anything but make me feel better for only a little while.
As we enjoy our treats, Ava reads what she found in an internet search about postpartum depression, how long it can last, and how it’s treated. Every word is like music to my ears. Is it possible I’m not just bad at being a mother but have something really physically wrong with me?
When she finishes giving me the information, she sets her phone down and looks over at me on the other bed. “See? I told you this isn’t about you being a bad mom. You just need some help. A good doctor and some antidepressants may make you feel like a whole new person.”
“God, I hope so. I don’t want to feel this way. I miss Marius and Lily so much, but whenever I’m around them, I feel terrible. The idea that I may not be just bad at this seems too good to be true.”
“I wish you would have told me about how you were feeling before this. I would have told you I thought it was postpartum depression. Pregnancy can do a number on women, Eden, and you had one hell of a pregnancy. No wonder you feel all upside down about things.”
Upside down about things. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a better description of how I’ve been feeling than that.
Instead of being happy to be around Lily, I’ve felt miserable.
Instead of being thrilled Marius is so good at fatherhood, I seethed nearly every time I saw him take good care of our daughter.
The idea that I’m not just a horrible person but someone who has a problem that needs therapy, medication, or both makes me feel like I’ve had the world lifted off my shoulders.
Although I feel better, I start to cry again.
“Thank you so much, Ava. I don’t know what I would have done if you didn’t come over and tell me about this.
I actually thought maybe it would be better for Marius and Lily if I just left them.
At least they wouldn’t have this miserable creature lurking around the house ruining every day for them. ”
She reaches over and grabs my hand to give it a gentle squeeze.
“I don’t have to tell you how wrong you are on that, but I will.
Marius adores you, and Lily loves you no matter what you feel like.
We just need to get you to a doctor so you can see how wonderful this can be.
You deserve to feel good, Eden. After all you went through to have that beautiful little girl, it’s the least you deserve. ”
I scoop out another spoonful of chocolate ice cream and savor it as it hits my tongue. Maybe I’m going to be okay. I hope so. I’d like to be as happy as my best friend is with her kids.
And I’d like to be able to see Marius with Lily and not feel unrelenting envy.