Chapter 14
Willow
The last few days have been screwing with my head. Reading those articles about Brett was the smartest thing I did. It reminded me not to fall for the gorgeous man who is too helpful with our daughter and trying to do everything right. I realize when I went out with Bonnie the other night, I was doing exactly what Mom used to do after she fought with Dad. She would get dressed up really pretty and make him jealous by going out to some bar with her single friends. I can’t believe I’ve repeated her behaviors. It makes me realize how fucked up I really am. The only spin on all this is that Brett isn’t acting like Dad. Dad would shut down and not talk to her and when he did talk it was to snap at her in an angry, volatile way, or make jabs at her about how incompetent she was as a wife and mother. Instead, Brett has been totally chill. He tells me I look beautiful in the morning. He lets me sleep in while he takes care of Maylee and he has breakfast ready for me when I get downstairs. I want to smile and thank him, which is a weird instinct for me to have. I remind myself that whatever Brett is doing now is temporary, and I will not be the fool who falls for him.
“Willow, I would like us to go into Nashville and spend the day together,” he says as he finishes setting the table for breakfast. This morning’s menu consists of French toast and fresh berries.
I watch him like he has two heads. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“You’ve completely shut down on me. If we are going to co-parent Maylee, we need to be open about things. I’ve never felt this way before and I know my words may be scaring the hell out of you, but I need to leave in a few days and I can’t leave with this tension radiating between us.”
His blue eyes look so sincere, and he is so open and honest about everything. I don’t know how to handle it. Shutting down is what most of the Heatons do best, except for Finn, but we call him the baby anomaly.
“I don’t know any other way,” I confess. Not because I am giving in but because he is right. We do need to find a way to co-parent that doesn’t involve tension. “Shutting down is what I know.”
I divert my gaze from him, feeling vulnerable. I do not like to feel vulnerable but I love my daughter to the moon and back. If it means I need to change my ways since I know I am messed up, then so be it.
Brett takes a seat at the kitchen table beside me while Maylee is getting her swing time. His shoulders are hunched and there is a softness in his gaze. “I get it, Willow. I’m treading on uncharted waters here. My parents didn’t really have a relationship, but I know what I want in life. I sometimes feel like maybe my attraction to you is one-sided. If it is, I understand because we can’t obviously control who we are attracted to, but I am here, Willow. If I’ve done something wrong, I need you to tell me. I’m doing the best I can but if I need to fix something, then I’m willing.”
His words gut me. They make my stomach turn. I don’t know how to react to what he is saying. My instinct is to confess I am falling so hard for him, but he is a fuckboy who will destroy my heart. My mind and body have gone into protection mode and won’t let me fall. I can’t say any of this because it will put me in a vulnerable position. I don’t like feeling weak.
“I think we made a mistake the other night. It was too much too fast. We can’t risk not getting along,” I say, instead wishing I could be as truthful and open as him.
“I’m sorry if that was too fast. We can take things slow between us,” he replies, reaching out to touch my hand, but I still have the urge to protect myself so I pull my hand away.
His bushy brown brows furrow.
“We need to just focus on Maylee,” I remind.
“But we were getting along. I thought we were at least friends. We have a good time together. Am I reading this whole situation wrong?” He looks so upset by my words that my heart cracks just a little bit, but I won’t allow for too much emotion, knowing a man like him can suck me under. The way he is with our daughter and our chemistry together is too much to handle.
“You aren’t reading it wrong. We can be friends. I’m sorry if I offended you in any way. I don’t really know how to navigate our situation,” I confess, feeling like I need to show him only a fraction of the vulnerability he’s shown me.
“I get that. It’s new for me too but we need to keep the avenues of communication open. You haven’t spoken to me in days. I’ve been losing my mind over it. I don’t even know how to explain it and maybe sharing my feelings is too much for you. I don’t want to push you away, but I don’t want to lose you either.”
Damn him. I don’t know when he developed this sweet side, but it’s like kryptonite slowly wearing me down. Only I have to be strong.
I straighten my spine. “I can’t talk feelings, Brett. All this happened so fast I have whiplash. I kissed you and I asked for what happened in the truck but I need space. I can’t offer you a relationship or anything.”
“Is there someone else?” he asks, throwing me off.
My head snaps back almost startled by his question. “Brett, I barely left my house in fourteen months. When I came home pregnant and without a partner, I felt ashamed. I stayed on the farm ninety-nine-percent of the time. I basically only went for doctors’ appointments in Nashville. Even after Maylee was born, I just stayed home.”
“That must have been so hard for you. Hearing how alienated you were makes me feel sick inside, Willow.”
“I had my family,” I reply, looking in his eyes.
“In the week and a half I’ve been here, I’ve barely seen any of them. If I wasn’t working the farm with Jacob and Lev, I don’t think I would see them at all. Your mom is barely around and Finn has his own life. So what is keeping you here, Honey?”
I swallow hard, feeling the sting of tears. He isn’t wrong. My family is no Brady Bunch. Jacob was around a lot more toward the end of my pregnancy and when Maylee was born, but he’s taken a step back now that Brett is here. Brett is right though. I’ve been hiding out and lonely.
“I told you I didn’t have money to go back to the city,” I say, and it isn’t a lie. “My finances brought me home. At least I could focus on myself during the pregnancy without having to worry about money.”
“I could get you an apartment in the city if you like, but I would love for you and Maylee to come live with me. Unless you tell me you are hell-bent on staying in this place, then I will find a way to move here.”
I snort, laugh, and cry all at the same time. “You would move to Sugar Meadow?”
He takes hold of my hand, and his thumb moves back and forth, caressing my skin. “Yes.” He looks me dead straight in the eyes, so I don’t question his sincerity.
I take a deep breath. Then my head falls into my hands. My head is spinning.
“Talk to me, Willow. I’m not the enemy. Just tell me what you are feeling,” he urges, his voice filled with concern.
“I have a tsunami brewing inside me. My head is spinning and my palms are growing clammy and now my heart is racing.”
He hisses, “Okay, you’re having a panic attack. There is no danger.” He places his hand on my back. “I need you to breathe in slowly. Hold your breath for two seconds and then let it out slowly, counting to four.”
I do as he says. His voice is somehow soothing, anchoring me with all the upheaval built up in my body. He guides me through breaths, telling me we need to do this for another three minutes since adrenaline is known to have a three-minute lifespan. He assures me the breaths will calm my body, and he’s right. With each inhale and exhale something inside my belly and my mind eases. The tension slowly begins to drift away. I remove my hands from my head and straighten up and Brett breathes with me. His eyes remain laser focused on me as we breathe together. When he says the three minutes are up, a calmness floats through my body that wasn’t present before.
“You good?” he asks.
“Yeah, where did you learn that?” I ask him.
“My sister started to get panic attacks when she first came home pregnant. The father was never in the picture and she felt scared and alone. She went for therapy, and she learned a bunch of tricks,” he explains. “Does this happen often?”
“It started happening since I came home pregnant,” I say, oddly enough.
Brett’s lips turn into a crooked frown. “Have you talked to anybody about it?”
I shake my head. “I googled tips on dealing with them. The box breathing we just did is a pretty common way of dealing with it, but it really helped when you guided me through it.”
Brett’s shoulders deflate. “I don’t want to be the cause of your stress.”
His words and actions cause the walls I’ve built around me to fracture, but I can’t let him tear them down. I need to stay in control here.
“You aren’t, Brett. You only have a few days left here and I am thinking on your offer. I love New York, but I don’t love the idea of having to be dependent on you,” I say, giving him a small ounce of my vulnerability.
“I can appreciate that,” he replies because this man is so understanding.
“I want to go back to work and put Maylee in the day care at my gym. I would only need to stay with you until I make enough money to afford first and last month’s rent,” I explain.
“Willow, Maylee is my responsibility. I insist on giving you money for her, according to what I feel is fair.”
I nod. “Sure, Brett, that would be great. So we’ll go with you to New York. We will live together as co-parents and I can get back to work. I love being with Maylee, but I feel like I need to work at least part time to start feeling like my old self again. It’s been hard on me here. Everything is so far away. I’ve been a recluse.”
“Oh, Honey,” he says, wrapping me up in a hug. He holds me tight, and I place my chin on his shoulder and take in his scent of mountain freshness and something that is distinctly him, but it’s the way he holds me close that has me slightly undone. I feel safe in his big burly arms until I remember those articles, and the openness I was feeling toward him gets veiled in a sheet of protection. I pull away and he releases me.
“You want to go get ready for a day in Nashville?” he asks with a wide, hopeful smile.
“Sure, it would be nice to get out.”
I head upstairs and get ready while Brett changes Maylee’s diaper and gets her dressed.
When I come back downstairs Brett is dressed in a black merino sweater that hugs his muscles like a glove and dark jeans that look downright sinful. My heart gallops in my chest as warmth fills me, but I lock that feeling down because it’s better to be safe than sorry.