Chapter 7 Kelsey #2
“You’re more than welcome,” Sev said, even though it was a seven-hour trip if she left right now. “You’re always welcome here, Kels.”
“Well, thank you,” she said, refusing to touch down on why that sentiment made her want to break into tears. “But I have a frozen pizza and some chapter reading calling my name tonight.”
“Don’t study too hard,” he said.
“Don’t envy me,” she said, giving him a broad grin.
“Alright,” he agreed, his arm reaching around and getting closer to the phone. “I’ll see you soon.”
She wasn’t sure if he meant in person or online. But either way, at that moment, she didn’t care. She just wanted Sev. “Good night.”
“Night,” he said, just before hitting the button to end the call.
As she stared into the blackness, she couldn’t help but let her mind drift to the idea of what it might be like if they were truly together.
If they lived by one another and were actually in a place to give a relationship a real shot, where they could see one another regularly, and really get to know one another.
Setting her phone aside, she let her eyes wander back to her bookcases, where a black spine caught her eye.
Crossing the room, she reached out for the sketchbook that Sev had bought her for Christmas.
It was one of her most valuable possessions because he’d given it to her.
He hadn’t asked her if she wanted it, or even tiptoed into the idea of suggesting they get crafty together.
He’d simply watched her as she looked through the art supplies, and surmised, quite correctly, that it might be something she’d enjoy.
Nobody had ever gone to those lengths for her before.
And even though they pledged to get to know one another better in the next year, there were still some things she felt in her heart that she just couldn’t tell him. Not yet, anyway.
Things that, rationally, she shouldn’t be feeling after two dates.
Sitting back down with her book in hand, she reached for a pen and cracked the cover open. Turning past a pencil drawing she’d started outlining, she gave herself a good couple of pages before lifting a ballpoint pen to the top of a clean page.
Things I’ve always wanted to say to Stewart Severance
And with that, she began to write.
Getting ready for dinner, Kelsey took a look at herself in her sweater and khaki pants, trying desperately to rid herself of the disgust she felt laid on her this afternoon.
A C- on her exam.
A rather weighted exam.
In her master’s program.
It was a level of failure that she hadn’t ever reached before.
She couldn’t do much for the grade itself, only learning of it on the train out of town and heading back to Newport.
She’d dropped her professor a note immediately, wondering how on earth this was possible.
She’d studied. She’d gone over her notes.
She even got together in a group with others from class.
And despite doing everything short of beating herself over the head with the textbook, she still wasn’t up to par.
A C- was not at the passing level, and her grade was in serious trouble. If she couldn’t raise it to at least a C, she’d have to take the class over again. Which would put her behind her deadline.
Was the universe trying to hold her back from her dreams?
Feeling her heart break all over again, she had pulled up her text message thread to Sev, wanting more than anything to gain his comfort. He’d been with her every step of the way on this harried journey, and if anyone was going to have insight, it would be him.
But he’d left for his “work trip” three days ago, and she hadn’t heard from him. She knew better than to be the person who left him endless messages when he probably had zero service. No, she had to wait for him to reach out.
She knew he would. When he was able.
She only wished he were able to right now.
Walking down the hallway, she could smell the delicious aroma of Hungarian mushroom soup, one of her favorites.
Her father had employed a personal assistant who took care of running their household, and knowing Kelsey would be home this weekend, she made them dinner.
Marta was close to her father’s age, and in a way, she hoped they might find some sort of happiness in one another’s company, whether that looked like a relationship, a situationship, or even a full-on proposal for marriage.
Kelsey’s parents had been quite young when they found themselves expecting, and, realizing that they were not meant to be together for the long haul, they were able to come to a friendly agreement to coparent.
Kelsey’s dad took full custody of her, and while in her younger years she did have memories of her mother, as she grew older, the woman grew more distant.
It never bothered her, really, given that she got everything she could ever need from her father.
Yet still, as she became a young woman and started looking at life through a romantic lens, she wondered if her dad ever regretted swapping intimacy with a potential life partner for diaper changes and temper tantrums.
In a way, she hoped he found happiness.
She hoped she’d find it for herself, too.
“Kiki, you’re just in time,” he said, scooping from a massive stock pot the soup her mouth had been watering for. He held out a bowl to her with his signature smile; however, she noticed something didn’t feel quite right.
“Thanks,” she said, watching him scoop out a bowlful for himself as she made her way to the table.
It was a long, dark wood table with a shellacked top and a glowing chandelier overhead.
It felt like a lot when it was just the two of them, but during the holidays, they’d often invite his old Navy buddies and their families.
Those were some of the best times together, all gathered around a table for a good meal and wonderful stories.
Just the thought of it made her smile.
Taking her seat to the right of her dad, she waited for him to take the captain’s chair, setting his bowl down on the green placemat in front of him.
“So, there are some things I need to talk to you about,” he announced, dipping his spoon into the soup and taking a healthy bite.
“Alright, spill it,” she said, copying his movements and feeling the warm, flavorful concoction smooth over her tongue. She and her dad never minced words, so she wasn’t sure of the need for the preparation now.
“I’m having surgery Thursday,” he said, continuing to eat.
“What?” she asked, pausing mid-spoonful and casting her eyes in his direction. He didn’t return her look.
“I’ll probably be in the hospital through the weekend. Just observation,” he said, hazarding a glance at her as he reached for the basket of rolls. “You know how overprotective doctors can get.”
“What are you having surgery on?” Her father had a bad knee from a training accident when she was in middle school, but he’d put in the work in physical therapy, and it hardly bothered him, except for a storm rolling in.
His face blanked as he paused, gently setting his spoon back in his bowl. Turning his eyes to her, he said the single most terrifying thing she could possibly think of. “They found a tumor.”
Kelsey’s heart began to pound in her chest, rising up her throat and seemingly taking up residence between her ears. Everything clicked into place as to why he was acting so strange. Why he was barreling through details. Why he thought to prepare her to start with.
This was bad.
She turned her head to him, her mouth agape as he spoke, gesturing to different portions of his head. He didn’t look at her, but studied the table as if he were recollecting things that his doctor had apparently told him. He went on about lobes and centimeters, biopsies and malignancy.
“What about recovery time?” she heard herself say in a small voice, quite possibly thousands of miles away from their dining room table.
She watched him nod and answer her questions, though she couldn’t hear his voice over the pounding in her head. The words came sporadically despite his relaxed face trying to convey to her that everything was alright.
That they weren’t talking about the big C.
“I’ll get discharged as soon as I can,” he said, making it all sound like brain surgery was a walk in the park. “I called Uncle Storm, and he’ll be up this coming weekend to help me settle. I don’t want this affecting you at all.”
“Don’t want this affecting me?” she asked, finally finding her voice. “How can you possibly think that the potential for losing the only parent I have won’t affect me?”
He paused, taking her in as he grimaced. She hated it when he grimaced. It usually meant there was a whole lot he was trying to hold back. Probably his own emotions were at the top of the list.
“You aren’t going to lose me.”
“You don’t know that.”
He paused again, taking in a deep inhale through his nose as he folded his hands in front of him. “Kiki, don’t breathe life into your fears. You’ve got to start from where you are.”
While his words felt like sage advice, she also noted that for once, Admiral Kramer did not have a plan for the future. He was going to have surgery. In just a few days. And then recover.
Then what?
“I’ll come back on Wednesday night,” she announced. It would take some shuffling, but she’d make it work for her classes. “I want to be here when you go into surgery.”
“No,” he answered, definitively. “Uncle Storm is coming, so you don’t have to worry.”
The idea brought out an absurd, barking laugh in her. “Do you really think that I won’t worry if I’m not here?”
“We are going to take this one day at a time. I’ll not have you rearranging your entire life because of one surgery,” he said, picking up his spoon and dipping it back into his soup, effectively ending the conversation.
Kelsey swallowed, mindlessly reaching for her own spoon, and trying to choke down the reality of what was happening.
In his mind, he thought that keeping her life as normal as possible was the best prescription.
As if she wouldn’t imagine the worst happening in between reading chapters and writing papers.
Sitting up taller in her chair, a realization settled over her.
Her life plans, thus far, weren’t settling to begin with.
Be it the professor, the school, or maybe the course of study itself.
Something wasn’t right; otherwise, it wouldn’t feel like she was battling uphill daily for a shred of success.
It was time she refocused. Put her time and energy into the things that mattered to her. Her education was important to her, as was her career. But above family? Above love?
Nothing mattered more to her, and she had her father to thank for that lesson.
“I will be here Wednesday night,” she reiterated in a tone that her father had taught her. Unforgiving and un-mess-with-able. “I’ll stay with you through the weekend, and I will be there with you every time a doctor walks in to talk with you.”
“Kiki—”
“No,” she said simply, as she cast her eyes in his direction. “There hasn’t been a time in my life that you haven’t been there for me. Let me be there for you.”
His face was impassive as he looked at her, but she saw the moment his jaw unclenched. A slow, solidary nod, and they went back to their dinners.
Nothing more needed to be discussed.
Because even though he didn’t have a lot of answers, even for questions he probably had already asked, he was right in that they didn’t have a choice in the matter. They could build on fear, they could grapple around aimlessly, or they could start from where they were.
Scooping up a spoonful and putting it in her mouth, the soup now tasted like ash.