Chapter 32 #2
“No.” she cut me off dead. “Do not say it.” Her eyes narrowed to slits, “You can’t mean that.
” her head cocked to one side as she stared, “We’re going to have a baby.
” her voice dropped to almost a whisper as she moved closer, timid, slow steps until she stood before me, her fingers found my T-shirt, she clung tightly to and fisted it, ‘This is your child too, Gav.” tears rolled in rivets down her face.
She pushed her tongue between her lips and licked them, “I love you, Gavin.”
The fright seeped through my body, like poison into my soul, then found its way into my head. “I’m a fuck up, K. I’m one big fuck up and you don’t need that in your life, a baby definitely doesn’t need that. I’m an addict, for fuck’s sake. It’s not fair…” I took a breath in and closed my eyes.
She released my T-shirt, and. “Pity you didn’t think of that before.” Her tone was sharp as she turned her back on me.
Pretty much what I was doing to her.
“I didn’t know your pill wouldn’t work, did I?” I shouted back. What was I doing? I needed a minute, a reprieve. “I can’t do it.” I was firm as I put some distance between us, I had to say it, “If you want an abortion, I’ll support you but right now, that’s all I can give.”
She spun back around, her nostrils flared and somewhere in my fucked-up head, I knew I’d said the wrong thing.
I always said the wrong thing. Her arms crept around her small body and as she inhaled deep, she exhaled as she spoke, and her head shook.
The look of disappointment had me reeling, but I couldn’t help it. “Get out.” She gave me her back again.
“Karen?”
“I said leave.”
I knew she meant it. Her voice was like steel. Fuck. “You have to see what I’m saying.”
“I can’t even look at you right now. Just. Get. Out.” Even louder this time.
I had to leave. I knew that, so without another word I left. I didn’t look back, I couldn’t. If I did, I would have seen her shoulders shaking with the tears that I knew she was crying. I caused that.
This was the best way.
I closed the door behind me and took the stairs two at a time as I ran down them, rushed to my car and got inside, hiding away from the world.
Fucking pregnant!
I hit the steering wheel hard with the heel of my hand.
“FUCK!” I hit it again and again. “FUCK. FUCK!” I roared.
I didn’t know whether I was sad, or angry, but so much emotion tore through me.
My breaths heaved and I let my forehead drop to the wheel.
I had no idea what to do or even how to deal with it.
This was just fucked up.
If there was one thing I never could fathom, it was when to stop, and right now, I’d had more than enough. Enough alcohol. I’d had more than enough of the shitstorm that seemed to be my life. I should’ve stopped, I knew that, but did I care? Like fuck I did.
I didn’t want to stop.
I wanted to get so wankered that I couldn’t remember my own fucking name.
I planned to forget why I was so upset, or that I even started to feel something for someone else. That was crazy in itself. What was even more crazy was that she wanted me. Me. She was willing to take me as I am and my problems with no questions.
As my head lolled between my shoulders, my back hunched and my focus was fuzzy, but still I found my glass.
With a tight grip, I lifted it back to my lips and gulped down the contents in one, then with a flick of my fingers it slid back across the marble surface of the bar.
“Keep them coming, mate.” I said lifting my head as well as I could, but honestly, I could barely make him out.
I’d already been on the tables and lost another shit load of money.
When I had the shake of the head from the dealers, telling me no more, I knew I had to stop, so decided to get pissed instead.
What else did I have to lose… fuck all. I hadn’t even got my dignity anymore, that was somewhere between the tables and the bar, but I didn’t fucking care.
Not anymore. But if there was one thing I knew, it was that I didn’t deserve her.
She deserved someone good, someone who could put her first. As water filled my eyes, I swiped roughly at them.
I had no idea who the fuck I was these days.
I looked at my glass and saw it was still empty.
“Hey, mate. Single malt.”
“Sorry, bud. Can’t do that.” I frowned at the poster-perfect guy behind the counter. He’d got that real Hollywood sun kissed look about him. Ugh.
“Why the fuck not?” I asked, gritting my teeth.
“You’ve had enough.”
My nostrils flared with temper. “Look, bud. I’m a paying customer, and I'm asking for another drink.”
“And I’m saying no.” The voice from behind was firm and steady. I thought I knew that voice. I swung around to put the face to the voice, and as I spun, I felt myself falling. I reached out to grip the bar to stop myself from hitting the deck.
“Alex?” I questioned as I lifted my heavy head and attempted to look through my foggy vision.
“What you doing here, Gav?” He asked.
“Getting pissed.” I shrugged, scraped my glass back across the marble surface, I picked it up and looked inside of it, “Well, I was.”
“Then why didn’t you go to a normal bar? They’d let you drink yourself stupid, I’m not.”
I turned back to lean on the bar and slammed the glass back down. “Look, I’m not causing trouble. I just want a drink.”
“Come on, dude. Let’s get you off this stool.” Alex soothed but I was in no mood for it.
“NO! I want a drink.” I moved around as I tried to shrug his hands from me.
“Tough. You’re not getting any more today.
” When he still had me in his iron grip, I tried to swat his hands away, but they held me tight, then from the other side someone else held me and helped me off.
I was almost carried through to another room as my feet dragged along the floor and my body was held up in their arms. I was dropped onto a couch and my head sank into a pillow.
I could hear Alex talking, but I had no idea who to, it couldn’t have been me, he sounded like he was half a mile away.
“I need a drink.” I slurred again. I licked my dry lips and tried to open my eyes that little bit wider, but they were like lead weights and I couldn’t keep them open.
“Get me a drink!” I slurred louder, but still nothing.
Darkness fell behind my eyes as I slipped into an alcoholic coma. Fuck this shit. I let sleep take me, maybe when I woke, all this shit wouldn’t be happening.