8. Julie
8
I s this supposed to be this fucking hard?
“Keep your shoulders flat on the floor.” Yeah, okay, doing that. “Then lift your feet up and let them slowly fall past your head. That’s it. You feel that? Feel that stretching of your spine? Now breathe in.”
“Breathe in? How the fuck am I supposed to breathe in ?” I shout to nothing in my little bedroom as I glance at my iPad propped up against the wall.
I let my feet fall a little farther like she suggests in the video until a jolt of pain jerks me off balance and a screech echoes through the room until I’m spread out on my yoga mat like a starfish.
The voice continues as if yoga is the easiest thing in the world, and I give the screen the stink eye.
“This is supposed to be relaxing, Sun by Sailor .” Pouting, I reach out to grab the device from the floor, press stop, and chuck it on my bed. “This is not fucking relaxing.”
Nothing is. I’ve tried everything. Watching a movie. Went on a run. I’d take a bath if I had one, because I’m dying to sink into some hot water, but I had to do with a semi hot shower. Only, nothing calms my fucking mind.
I debated pulling out my Magic Wand, but just the thought alone brought me back to thinking about Jason and that’s exactly what I’m trying not to do.
But how can I not?
It’s ridiculous how those Spencer boys keep living rent free in my head and not for any good reasons.
I stare up at the white ceiling, my limbs feeling heavier than they should.
Where did I go wrong?
It’s in these moments that I wonder if I did enough. Maybe I should’ve tried a little harder with Jason and flew to Los Angeles after shit hit the fan. But as much as I have my regrets, my brown eyes are looking back at me in the mirror every day with my head held high.
I vowed to not let any Spencer boy boss me around anymore. That might have been indicated for Jacob, but it sure as hell is applicable for Jason as well.
I called him so many times. I texted him, begging him to call me. But he treated me the same way Jacob would whenever we had a fight.
He ghosted me.
And even though Jacob hurt me every time he did, when Jason did the exact same thing, it broke my heart. Because I thought he knew me better than that.
I miss my Jason . I do. But I won’t chase him. I already gave him more than I was selling the second he got me alone.
I feel so betrayed, embarrassed.
When he touched me at the gala, my heart instantly purred at his comforting hands on my body, enlightening my senses as if he had a key no one else ever possessed. Like I was an instrument only he knew how to play. Until his face morphed into something I recognized in his brother, and he stomped my heart to pieces. Again.
As if it wasn’t already crushed enough.
I bury my face in my hands, ignoring the aching path of my heart up my throat.
Was I wrong for coming here and taking this job? What was I thinking? Should I have stayed in North Carolina? And then what, Julie ?
Watch Jacob destroy everything you’ve worked for? But the alternative is that I’m now working with the man who hates me as much as I believe he once loved me.
He did, right? At least as friends? Fuck, I don’t even know anymore.
My entire world is fucked up.
My phone lights up beside me, and I pick it up with a short hello when I don’t recognize the number.
“Hey, Julie, it’s Mike. From the office?” he says when I stay quiet, blinking at the pink sheets of my bed, still firmly rooted on the floor.
“Yeah, of course, hey.”
“You alright?”
Not even a fucking little bit. But I push a smile onto my cheeks, hoping it will etch into my voice, curiosity taking over.
“Yeah, I’m good. What’s up?”
“Well, Edward mentioned you haven’t bought a car yet.”
Random.
“Nope, I haven’t had the chance. Just Ubering my way to the office every day.”
“I could help you with that next week. We could go car shopping. We can probably find you a decent car that will save you a lot of Uber money.”
I frown, a little confused where his sudden interest in my commuting arrangement comes from. “Uhm, yeah, sure, though I haven’t wanted to invest in a car yet until I get my permanent contract.”
“A sensible woman. I like that.” Thanks? “But since you don’t have a car, I figured you’d maybe want a ride tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow?” What the heck is tomorrow? It’s Saturday.
“The yacht party?” Oh, damn. “You’re coming, right?”
Truth be told, I forgot about it altogether because I’ve been too busy reliving every awful and amazing moment of the gala I haven’t recovered from.
“That’s obligatory?” The question is rhetorical, because even if it’s not, I’m still the new girl.
Not going will not put me in the best light with my boss. Plus, it will be a good opportunity to meet some associates of the brand. Maybe Jason won’t be there.
“It’s not, but since Ford Lawson will be there, I figured you’d stop by to keep an eye on him.”
Jason is definitely going to be there.
Crap.
My stomach somersaults because I have a feeling he won’t be the only one who will be there. “Ford is going to be there?”
“Yeah, him and his agent RSVP’d a while back.”
Great. I’m more than tempted to quit my fucking job and trust I’ll find another one soon enough. Maybe I’ll take my chances as a barista. Or maybe I should just throw a dart at a map and see where the universe tells me to go.
At this point, it doesn’t sound like a bad idea.
“You’re going, right?” Mike asks again.
I’d rather not, but yeah, I’m fucking going.
“Yeah, I’m going. Of course,” I recover, hiding my shaky breath behind a tone of confidence.
“Soooo,” he drawls with more expectation in his voice than I expected, “want me to pick you up?”
Wait? Is he… “Are you asking me out on a date, Mike?”
“Yeah, I guess I am.” He clears his throat, which is answer enough, and I can’t help the grin that expands to my ears.
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea. You know, since we work together.”
“We don’t have to call it a date. Consider it my way to welcome you to LA. It can get a bit lonely in this town.”
His words hit me right in the heart, because they sound like gospel right now. I have been here for two months, but even though I’ve met plenty of people, I still find myself alone on my pink couch most days.
Mike is cute. A dime a dozen cute, but still cute, and as much as I’m not interested, it’s the little ego boost I’ve been looking for all week while I’ve tried to get over my horrendous night at the gala.
Maybe I should. There’s nothing wrong with having a little fun with someone whose last name is not Spencer, right? It could be good to have some distraction if Jason is going to be there.
“You know what?” I nod, though he can’t see me. “Sure, why not?”
When I went to bed last night, I thought it was a great idea.
When I woke up this morning, I thought it was a great idea.
When I stepped into Mike’s red Mini Cooper, I frowned, but I still thought it was a good idea.
Why?
Because I’d have Mike to focus on the entire party, and even more reason to ignore Jason for the rest of the day.
Because I woke up feeling energized and sassy for the first time since the gala, and pissing off Jason with a semi-date seems like a little what-goes-around-comes-around after he left me panting in a bathroom.
The son of a bitch.
But it took one glance from the man taking residence in my mind, and now I’m regretting that with a passion. I’m sitting on a lounger with the sun burning my cheeks, while Mike is blabbing something in my ear about the last Yankees game I couldn’t care less about.
I’m too occupied with not focusing on the pair of blue eyes that are lasering a hole into my chest from across the deck, literally stealing my breath.
Thank fuck, I’m wearing sunglasses.
Jason’s gaze has been thunderous from the moment he set foot on this yacht and spotted me, his jaw clenched like he’s grinding stones or something. He makes his rounds to the rest of the team, Jordan and Ford trailing behind them, while my heart beats loud enough to climb its way up my throat with each yard they move closer.
“—it is, you know?” Mike’s enthusiastic voice catches my attention, and I turn to face him.
“R-right.” I have no clue what he’s talking about.
“Oh, hey, Cash!” Mike’s hand flies up, and Jordan nudges his way before the three men step into my proximity.
Jordan holds out his hand, greeting Mike with a fist bump, before meeting my eyes. He drags his lip between his teeth, a glint of mischief sitting in the dark rings around his irises before he leans in.
“Hey, Jules.” He sweetly kisses my cheek, then briefly holds his mouth flush with my ear. “If you’re trying to piss my brother off, it’s working.”
He pulls back, but I still spot the wink he throws me behind his brown sunglasses.
My chuckle releases some of my nerves, and I hold his gaze, silently thanking him for that boost of confidence, and grateful that at least nothing has changed between Jordan and I. He’s still the little shit I love like he’s family, even though he’s clearly all grown up.
“Nice to see you, boys.” I fling my gaze to Ford and Jason with a produced smile, but I keep it on Jason with as much bravado as I can muster.
His jaw tics, his arms highlighting every muscle as they are propped in front of his chest. The cream linen shirt he’s wearing highlights his tanned skin, and my mouth waters at the thought of him taking it off.
Why does he have to be so goddamn sexy?
From my line of vision, Ford lifts his sunglasses, taking me in like the playboy his reputation paints him to be. “The pleasure is all mine, baby.”
His eyes rake over my pale blue bathing suit and shorts, leaving me happy with my outfit choice for today.
I see Jason’s eyes shut behind his tinted glasses before they fly back open. His neck slowly cranes to Ford, puncturing him with a glare.
Ford winks, then he meets Jason’s gaze. “What? I’m happy to see her. Aren’t you happy to see her?”
Ford focuses his fake innocence on Jordan, who stifles a laugh. “She looks good, right?”
“She does.” He nods.
“Shut the fuck up.” Jason rubs his hand over his face, dropping his back to the deck, then points his finger between the two of them like he doesn’t have one little brother but two. “Both of you.”
They both raise their hands in surrender, their amusement evident in their wide grins, and I can barely hold back one of my own. Ford’s a flirt, but I don’t mind him using his big mouth to torture Jason. After what he did to me, he deserves it.
“I’m gonna get a drink.” Jason grunts, then stomps off.
“Good idea, can you bring me back some tequila?” Ford bellows, followed by Jordan: “And shot glasses! Gotta bring this party to life.”
I belt out a laugh when Jason flips them off without turning around.
“You’ve all met before?”
I glance at Mike, who’s impersonating a confused bunny as he flicks his head between the three of us, his eyes narrowing slightly as he follows Jason to the bar, then tries to hide his discomfort by taking a pull from his beer.
“Yeah, we–”
“We go way back, right, Jules?” Jordan interrupts, and from the teasing glint in his eyes, he has obvious intentions of poking at Mike.
“Oh, really?”
“We’re all from Braeden, North Carolina, and Julie dated my older brother.” He leans in, lowering his voice as he holds his hand before his face. “But really, she always had a thing for Jason.”
He hikes his thumb over his shoulder with an expression that says yikes .
“Jordan!” I shake my head and throw Mike a warm smile. “He’s just kidding. Jason and I went to high school together. Our best friends are married. We run in the same circles. We–We’re friends.”
Yeah, that sounded convincing .
Jordan and Ford both look at me with their eyebrows up in the air, Ford mouthing a smooth before I try to kill him with a glare.
“Right, okay, great.” Mike takes another sip of his beer, then rubs his hands together. “How about we go for a swim?”
“Sure,” I say automatically before his question really lands in my brain, and I jerk my neck to face him. “Wait, what? No, thanks.”
“Come on! It will be fun.”
Discomfort trails up my skin, my stomach roaring in protest. “Yeah, no. I’d rather not.”
I fan my hand in front of my face as heat overtakes me.
“Why not? Come on, we can use a little cooldown.”
Before I know it, I’m scooped into the air, overwhelmed by a weird mix of some spicy cologne, panic gripping my throat as Mike’s chest burns against my shoulders. “No, no, no! Put me down. I mean it.”
He moves to the edge of the boat with long strides as I wiggle in his arms.
“Don’t worry, babe. I’ll hold on to you.” His chortle is playful, but my eyes dart around, the deep depths of the ocean creeping closer by the second.
My pulse thunders in my ears as I grip onto his neck for dear life, black spots blurring my vision. Mike laughs, moving closer to the edge, giving me a clear view of the handful of people already in the water.
“No, please! PUT ME DOWN!” I shut my eyes, unable to breathe as my throat grows thicker and thicker, fear suffocating me from the inside out. “Please, stop.”
It’s twenty years ago, but hanging above these endless waters, I’m jolted back into the past, the same terror threatening to paralyze me.
“Hold on, babe,” a faded voice booms.
No, please. Put me down. But I can’t speak as I feel like my soul leave my body. Remember what your therapist taught you; breathe . I’m trying, I really am, but I can’t get my chest to move past a gasp. Please, stop . My muscles cramp, my mind fading out before my senses slip away from me.
“Did you not fucking hear her?” a faint, familiar voice echoes somewhere around me, but I’m too far away to process.
“Relax, we’re just playing.” Mike’s voice vibrates in his chest, before I’m yanked out of his arms, my body falling limp against someone else's.
For a second, I resurface, sucking in as much air in my lungs as I can to use my muscles again to break free before a comforting voice settles me.
“You’re okay. I got you, Jules.” Jason holds me tightly against his body, but it’s the whiff of his sandalwood cologne that dares me to peek my eyes open.
Gone is the stretched-out darkness of the ocean, and instead I detect the opulent paneling of the inside of the boat.
My lungs shake, but this time in relief before I give in to his touch, burying my face in his shoulder. I’m safe.
Jason always keeps me safe.