Chapter 15 #2
“It hurt right here.” He touched his own gut, right below his ribcage. “You were sad. You were angry.” He reached out a hand for my face and wiped a tear. “You hated that they were hugging you. You just wanted to get away.”
And now I was falling apart again.
I knew exactly what he was talking about. Not because I remembered, but because I knew how I felt other times. Not in that same exact scenario, but close. The way I’d felt every time I was reminded that they forgot—no.
My parents didn’t forget Jinx.
They just moved on too fast, in a way that felt like forgetting.
Life continued for them. They laughed when I wasn’t even close to ready yet, and just the sound of it felt like betrayal.
And I was always aware that it wasn’t fair. They were happy that I was still there, and I hated that I was. I hated that they hugged me and kissed me and gave me their attention because that meant that Jinx wasn’t there to share it. That meant that Jinx was gone and I was alone.
They found ways to just…survive, and I didn’t want survival. I just wanted Jinx back.
“Why?” March whispered, wiping my other cheek with his thumb, too. “Where did all that pain come from?”
I wanted to tell him—I did. I just didn’t have the words for it nor the courage to say more without doing exactly what he’d seen me do in the woods.
So, I shook my head, forced my thoughts to clear and my lips to stretch into a smile, and said, “And the neutral?”
The look in his eyes turned darker still. He smiled for my sake, and I appreciated it. For a moment I thought he might insist I tell him, and I would have run if he did, but no.
Instead, he said, “That’s my favorite memory of all—both my own and yours.”
“Oh?”
“You’re sitting in front of a lake somewhere,” he said, and little by little, word by word, his smile turned more genuine.
“You’re thinking something about an octopus—I keep hearing the word echoing in your head.
You have your knees up and your elbows on them, and you’re staring at the darkening sky, the green lake, the mountains beyond.
You’re…breathing. You’re existing. No pain, no sadness or happiness—you’re just sitting there. ”
My own smile was genuine now, too. “That doesn’t sound very impressive.
” But I knew what he talked about this time, too.
I’d done that same thing plenty of times, both alone and when we went for picnics.
I’d sat by the lake shaped like an octopus, and I’d just stared at the world, had detached myself from it.
Neutral, just like that spinner had demanded.
A long sigh left me, and when my eyes closed, no more tears slipped down my cheeks.
“Thanks for that,” I told March. I didn’t expect it, to be honest, but I did feel much better knowing what I lost. Now, I’d never forget.
“Thank you,” March said, dragging himself closer to me and pushing my hair back behind my ear.
I smiled a little, wiped my face again. “I’m a mess.” My eyes were probably red, too.
“The most beautiful mess I’ve ever seen,” March whispered, and just like that, my heart picked up the beating again.
He was close, the colors in his eyes vivid, the heat of his skin begging to be enjoyed. But there were others there as well. All the other Hands, who were done sharing the memories, too.
March took my hand and squeezed it, and he didn’t let go again for a while.
“Well, that was something,” Russ said after a tick went by in silence, while we all gathered ourselves, wiped our cheeks. Settled with the old memories—or at least the idea of them.
“They just…took our memories. Just like that,” said Levana, sniffing hard.
“They didn’t—we gave them away,” said Seth.
“But we had to. They wouldn’t have let us into the game otherwise,” said Cook. “I feel a little…”
“Violated,” Mimi finished for him.
And that was the exact right word for me, too.
“It’s the Turning Trials. They’re not dangerous per se, but we didn’t really expect them to be easy, did we?” Reggie said. “We knew there would be sacrifices to make.”
“I honestly thought it would be fun games to play and reporters and people coming to take our autographs,” said Russ, shaking his head. “How come nobody but the warden has spoken to us since? How come they haven’t interviewed us, haven’t asked us how we won the game?”
Hmm. I hadn’t considered that until now, but it did seem a little strange now that he mentioned it.
“I don’t think I’ve seen footage of the other Hands in the older trials talking before the end of them…did I?” Anika wondered, and I was thinking about the same thing.
“I didn’t, either. I’ve gone through the whole archive—I didn’t see a single one breaking down the trials,” I said in wonder. “I never even realized it.”
“They will not let anybody into the Labyrinth until an actual trial,” Silas said. “And even then they’re heavily monitored.”
“They are?” a few of us asked.
“Didn’t you see the soldiers? They’re all here as guards.”
My brows narrowed as I thought back…yes. There had been soldiers wearing armor everywhere around the arena before we entered the first trial.
“Why, though?” Russ asked.
“Because it’s dangerous, I guess. Because the Labyrinth is working at its full capacity right now.” Silas shrugged. “Because a lot could go wrong?”
We thought about it for a tick.
“It’s the Turning Trials, you sandbrains,” Reggie repeated.
“We’re only here a few more days. We’ll do plenty of interviews after we get out of here.
We’ll be plenty rich in money and Sparetime, too.
How about we try to enjoy the time we have left in this place?
” He spread his arms to the sides, and even though he was smiling, I could hear the pain in his voice.
Reggie hadn’t cried from whatever memory Silas had told him about, but he was clearly affected. We all were.
“I don’t know about you guys, but this is way cooler than anything I had back home.” He wrapped his arms around his knees again and shrugged. “So how about we focus on that?”
He said it like he needed to. He needed to focus on the positive.
He said it like this had to be good for him, like…like maybe he was running, too. Like he’d come here to get away, and he couldn’t possibly fathom this being bad as well.
Maybe it was all in my head. Maybe I was projecting on him what I felt but was still too cowardly to accept.
Maybe.
But the others agreed. Slowly, I began to see smiles just waking up, curling corners, even toothy grins. If not for ourselves, then for each other. Reggie was right, we were only here a few more days, and then the Turning Trials would be over. Then we’d be out there to do whatever we pleased.
“All right, all right, you convinced me,” Silas said and stood up. “Who wants to see something cool I discovered this morning?”
A bunch of others were already on their feet, running to the other side, shouting—someone turn that timebloom on!
We laughed, and March got to it right away, like he, too, couldn’t stand the silence.
Just like that, the second part of our night began.