Chapter 6
CHAPTER SIX
Declan
Evie blinks back at me, her mouth falling open a half inch.
“Your needs come second? A—a few years? I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be crass, but Declan…” She leans forward and her voice drops low. “Are you telling me you’re fine being married for several years and not having sex?”
Her cheeks are still blazing and the disbelief etches into her voice.
In another situation, there might be more to say.
Of course when a person thinks of marrying, they think a healthy sexual relationship would come with it.
I’m no different. But I’m also not a self-centered tool who can’t see very clearly this woman needs someone to put her first for once in her life.
“I understand your concern and I don’t mean to dismiss it, but simply put, no. What I want is for you and Charlie to be safe and happy.” It is that simple.
Of course, it is not that simple, but for this moment, for our purposes, it must be. We’re going for logic here, not feelings.
She’s back to lashes fluttering as she absorbs my words.
“I’m sorry, but I don’t understand this. No one is this selfless. No one. Not even one of the great Ryan family.” She shakes her head slowly.
I don’t entirely understand why this is so hard to believe, but I know I’m not always particularly adept at knowing what others expect of me. So I try again.
“I’m not giving up another relationship.
I don’t have anyone else I want. I’m not sitting here tallying up the dating opportunities I’ll miss.
You clearly didn’t notice, but I don’t date.
It’s not something I’ll suddenly be going without.
” This is all technically accurate. I haven’t been in a relationship since med school.
That spectacular and brutal failure put me off even attempting.
I like cues, context—don’t make me read between the lines.
With Evie, I know exactly what I’m getting into.
A look flickers across her face, but I can’t read it. Her cheeks still have a faint blush, and I can’t help thinking she’s so lovely. So, so beautiful.
“Well, me neither, for what it’s worth,” she mumbles, then focuses her attention on her coffee.
It’s not as though I didn’t think of her having a social life.
It’s more that I know she’s a single mom and even though Charlie’s fifteen months, it’s still a consuming situation for her.
For anyone. But this comment checks my assumptions that she hasn’t dated and shoves me into the harsh reality that she, too, will be giving up opportunities to find someone.
She’s saying she isn’t sacrificing it, but she will not be able to pursue someone else.
My path to finding a partner stalled out in my last relationship when the woman I thought I loved and would end up marrying turned out to be staying with me out of necessity.
What I saw as a blissful pairing during the madness of med school, she saw as an obligation, paying me back in kind.
She stayed because she was grateful for the fact that I bought our apartment and I made most of our meals.
This, in the end, is not conjecture. She told me quite clearly when we began the process of applying to residencies and her list was a lengthy divergence from any place I’d listed.
While I used to actively try to fool myself into believing I didn’t want anything else because of that humiliating and, yes, heartbreaking discovery, life has shown me I do.
Recent memories force me to admit that I do believe people are meant to be in community and in relationships, and that a great deal of value and meaning can be derived from making an effort to find one’s person. And then I met Evie…
On the other hand, I’m comfortable on my own, I like to prioritize work, I’m quiet, and I… well, the only person I’ve really wanted in any substantive way is Evie.
So maybe my intentions aren’t purely good or self-sacrificing here, though this time, I’m going in with my eyes wide open. I won’t be played again, and if I’m holding the reins, then that can’t happen.
“Then we’ll be married and celibate together.” It sounds less jocular than I planned, but it’s factual. What the statement lacks is a hope I’ve shoved down deep. A small tendril of longing and wishing I rarely allow myself—one that whispers maybe.
It’s a dangerous thought and it’s unfair to Evie.
But her expression, now that I take it in, makes me wonder.
Have I misstepped by acknowledging the lack of sexual interactions we’ll have?
Was this something that should’ve gone unsaid?
Though I thought it best to verbalize, maybe even mentioning the not having of physical intimacy has made her uncomfortable.
No. If anything, it must be said.
“Forgive me. I think we have to be upfront about this.”
Her big blue eyes rise to meet mine.
“I agree. It’s just a very new dynamic in our relationship.” She laughs in a low, almost husky, self-deprecating way that makes something in me bend toward her.
Good grief, that sound.
It’s a laugh that hints at intimate conversations—of lips and hands and lives entwined.
Which is precisely the kind of thought I cannot be having.
“True. We’ll be covering a lot of new territory if we do this.” I reach out and hold my palm up.
With no hesitation, she slides her hand in mine. My fingers fold over hers and I offer a soft smile I hope will reassure her, shoving away any synapses having a field day with the contact.
“We can weather new things together. This is unconventional, and I’ll say it again, it’s all up to you. But I think we can do it. I think we’ll be an effective team. And I’ll be honored to call you my wife, whatever the details look like.”
She holds my gaze and takes a long inhale. “I agree.”
Before we can say any more, a plate slides into the space next to our hands and May’s voice breaks the moment.
“Oh, yes! Are you guys finally together?” Her grin is as wide as her face and her eyes glitter like she’s amped on an instant burst of adrenaline.
I look back at Evie, and she gives me a tiny dip of her chin.
So I run with it.
“We are. Thanks for asking.”
May makes a face like I’m a big weirdo, as she’d say, but then she pivots over to Evie and pulls her into a hug.
Unfortunately, this means Evie drops my hand.
It’s a foolish impulse in me that says I should snatch her hand back the minute she and May pull apart, both smiling.
But when I see the strain around Evie’s mouth and eyes, I reprimand myself. While I’ve been relishing her touch and feeling some level of triumph about telling May we’re together, she’s uncertain.
I am instantly and violently ashamed of my self-focus.
“Oh my gosh, I love this! Are you coming to Sisi’s party next week?”
May asks Evie like she has any idea, and Evie’s panicked look reaches me at the same moment.
“Sisi is Saoirse, Eirinn and Davis’s oldest.” I can see it register in Evie’s eyes.
The kids have come in only once since I’ve been here, and Evie likely hasn’t heard the nickname.
“Of course we’ll be there. I didn’t want to overwhelm her with a family dinner, but I guess Ma and Da will know any minute. ”
May grins like she’s been caught. I wouldn’t be shocked to learn she’s somehow telepathically texted our parents to notify them their most solitary son has found someone.
Though in truth, I’m not sure I win for Most Solitary Ryan—not since I moved home, and not since Mac has stayed away so long.
Another customer wanders in searching for refreshment and May jogs around to help them, but only after winking at both of us.
“So I guess we’re telling people,” Evie says so quietly I barely hear her.
“Might as well. We want to have a solid history so there’s no question about the nature of our marriage. We’ve got enough time working together that it should seem plausible, but even a rushed dating to engagement to marriage schedule is better than simply turning up married a few weeks from now.”
Or so I’m hoping.
Evie swallows hard.
“Unless you—”
“I’m not changing my mind. But I am intimidated by a Ryan family dinner.”
I lean back in my chair, slightly more comfortable with our plan now that she is talking and overtly on board.
No part of me wants to force her into this, even though I can acknowledge the situation itself is a kind of coercion.
Without the need to strengthen her case for custody, we wouldn’t be sitting here.
Maybe if I were… I mentally shake off the thought. I don’t know what else I’d need to be to actually be right for Evie, but for this purpose, I can fit the bill. I can help.
“You know everyone already. I’ll be there, and I’ll make sure Sam and Grant will be, too. The minute you want to leave, we’ll go.”
Her shoulders relax. “Okay. Sounds reasonable.”
A sharp gasp comes from May behind the counter, and I watch as she whispers, “Jack McKean” while staring at the door before she pastes on a wide smile.
Evie turns just as the A-lister himself rounds the corner and sets eyes on her. His face breaks out in a smile so handsome, I only manage to avoid rolling my eyes because I have excellent self-control and years of practice having had Finn as my little brother.
Evie launches out of her seat and nearly jumps into his arms. He wraps her in a hug and twirls her a little.
He honest to goodness twirls her around for a few seconds.
I don’t know how I didn’t think of this before. It’s testimony to my imagination and unending subconscious hope that I never considered there might be someone else who should marry Evie.
They turn and Evie links her elbow with Jack’s arm as she leads him over. “Dr. Declan Ryan, you remember Jack McKean?”
I rise belatedly and accept his hand, speechless.
Because who else would be a perfect candidate for her partner? Someone with far more resources than I have, even with my trust fund, and someone with an incredible amount of social capital that could sway the custody court judge? Or jury? Or whoever decides—I should research that.
Also, wasn’t he voted Sexiest Man of the Year last year or something? I am not one to mentally compare myself to anyone. Not that I think I’m better or less than anyone else, but simply because it’s not how my brain tends to work.
But right now, I’m fairly certain I notice his dark brown hair is darker than mine, longer and styled expertly, his blue eyes must be a new shade of blue, and he’s sporting a casual yet exceedingly stylish pair of jeans and a light sweater than make me feel like I rolled out of bed and put on my Saturday worst.
Evie grins up at Jack and I feel a sinkhole open up in my chest.
I’m not a jealous man, but right now, I’m in a quicksand pit of jealousy and I don’t know how I’ll ever escape it.