Chapter Five
Dela
I had to knock quite a few times on the door before I heard footsteps. Whatever game Paolo was playing, he was very engrossed.
“What?” he growled before the door was even fully open. When he saw me, his eyes went wide. “Dela? What are you doing here?”
“Hi,” I said, noting he was breathing harder and his muscles were thicker. Had he been working out? Was that why he hadn’t immediately answered?
“Hi,” he said. “Why are you here?”
“I came back,” I said cheerfully.
“Yes,” he said slowly, looking up and down the hallway suspiciously. “I can see that. But I want to know why you came back?”
He was looking awfully shifty, I noticed, with his eyes darting around, landing everywhere but me. I had a fearful thought.
“Are you okay?” I asked, wondering if I’d found the true reason he’d dumped me. One that perhaps he was ashamed of, thinking I wouldn’t be willing to help him with it.
“What do you mean? I’m fine. But why are you here?” he repeated for the third time.
I looked him up and down. He was sweaty, but not from a workout. It was different, somehow. Maybe it was the scent. I knew what he smelled like after he’d been to the gym. It wasn’t good. This was better. It was familiar, but I couldn’t place it.
“Have you been using again?” I asked, keeping my voice down. “Is that why you tried to push me away?”
“What? No,” he said, angry that I would bring up his past drug addiction. “I’ve been clean for years now. You know that. Why would you ask that?”
“You’re acting weird,” I said.
He blinked, stuttering several times.
“See,” I said, pointing at him.
“I’m acting weird? Dela, I broke up with you a few hours ago, and now, you’re back, acting like it didn’t happen. Eager and cheerful. What the hell is going on? Do you have memory loss?”
“You wanted some space,” I said, nodding. “I understand that. I can give you more space, Paolo. We don’t have to see each other as often. I can change for you.”
He shook his head. “Dela, I don’t want you to change. Not for me, not for anyone. That was not what I was trying to do. You need to understand. I do not want to be with you. At all.”
I frowned. “I don’t understand. It was so good, Paolo. I didn’t push for anything too fast. No hints of marriage or babies; none of that. So, where did I go wrong?”
“By acting like this,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Dela, you need to go home. We’re over, okay? Do you understand that? Over. Done. No more. There is no secret message, no hidden game. I do not want to ever see or talk to you again. Okay?”
“Paolo. Who is it? Hurry up already,” a feminine voice called from deeper inside the apartment.
Without realizing what I was doing, I slipped past Paolo and walked inside, hanging a sharp left and heading to the bedroom.
“Oh,” I said, finding a woman in her underwear lounging on the sheets. She had long, firm legs, a trim stomach, and obviously fake boobs. Her hair was a platinum blonde, and even her skin was tanned. It was all part of her look.
“Who the fuck are you?” she snapped, looking at me with disgust.
I shook my head, brushing past Paolo. His sweaty scent filled my nose once more, and I knew where I’d smelled the aroma before. It was full of pheromones. I’d drunk it in many times before. When we’d been having sex. Which is what he had been in the middle of before I got here.
“That didn’t take long,” I said as he followed me to the door. “Dumping me for the skinny supermodel. Ouch.”
Paolo didn’t look upset or apologetic. “I didn’t invite you back here,” he said. “You did this to yourself.”
“Right. Tell me something, Paolo,” I said. “How long?”
“How long?”
“Has that been going on!” I half-shouted, gesturing at the bedroom. “How long have you been sleeping with her? She certainly seemed comfortable in your bed, so I doubt this is the first, is it?”
“Fine, whatever, crazy woman,” he growled, shaking his head. “Two weeks. Now, please leave. We’re done.”
“Oh, absolutely, we’re done,” I said, storming into the hallway. “You and I are over.”
He rolled his eyes. “That’s what I tried to tell you hours ago, Dela.
That we were done. You’re just too focused on finding a husband and making babies that you couldn’t see the writing on the wall.
You need to chill, or you’re going to drive away every man you meet.
You’re a good person, you deserve love, but you have to let it develop naturally.
You can’t force it on people the way you do.
You project your dreams onto them, whether you realize it or not.
You have to relax, have fun, and let the serious aspect develop from there. ”
I stared at him.
“Goodbye, Dela,” he said, shutting the door. “I hope you listen to what I just said. It would help you out greatly.”
For the second time that day, I stood in the hallway, trying to comprehend what had just happened. That wasn’t how I saw it going in my mind. I’d thought that by telling him I could give him more space, more time, he would—
Crazy woman.
That phrase echoed in my mind, cutting off my other thoughts. He’d called me crazy.
I stumbled back to the elevator, fingers fumbling against the metal plate on the wall to find the button in the center of it. I could barely see. Everything was blurry.
Great, I was crying again.
I’m not crazy, I thought. Am I?
I’d just wanted to save the relationship. That’s all. Was that so bad? I …
“Oh, god,” I moaned, shaking my head, burying my face in my hands, wiping away my tears.
What the hell was wrong with me? Why did I think it was a good idea to come back here? Of course it wasn’t! It was terrible!
“I’m one of them,” I whispered as I exited the elevator, ignoring the stares of the couple waiting to get on. “Holy shit.”
I dug my phone out of my purse, hitting redial.
“Dela, is everything okay?” Chelsea asked without preamble.
“I’m one of the crazy girls,” I said. “Aren’t I?”
The long pause told me everything I needed to know.
“Why am I like that?” I asked, shaking my head. “Why? How? I don’t want to be them.”
“Then you need to start taking what people say at face value,” Chelsea said immediately.
It wasn’t the first time she’d thought about it, apparently.
“Yeah,” I said numbly, the epiphany of my actions still crashing through me. “You’re right. Why am I so unable to do that? Why must I always think there’s another side to things?”
Chelsea was quiet at first, the sound of her keyboard the only noise coming through the phone. I walked the city streets, not bothering to press her. She would reply when she could. I had to respect that she was at work.
“What did you do?” she asked at last.
“Huh?”
“I know you, Dela. You did something. I told you not to do anything, but you ignored me. Tell me, what is it?”
“Um.” I cringed at the idea of even bringing up what I’d done.
“Out with it. Come on. I don’t have time right now.”
“I went back,” I moaned. “I went back, and he had someone else there. Turns out he’d been seeing her for two weeks. Behind my back. And I didn’t even notice something was up! God, I’m so dumb.”
“Well, now you know he was serious when he said he didn’t want to see you anymore.”
“Yeah,” I said.
“Next time, if you don’t want to get the label of being a crazy woman, you know, the ones that guys say ‘don’t stick your dick in crazy’ about?
Then just listen to what he says, and respect it.
Don’t imagine like he was secretly saying something else.
Guys don’t do that. They say what they mean, especially in situations like this. ”
“Yeah.”
“No, not ‘yeah.’ Don’t ‘yeah’ me. That’s not good enough, Dela.
You need to do some serious thinking about yourself and how you interpret what other people tell you.
It’s not that simple. You will have to work at this.
Otherwise, your mind will just drive you back to acting that way again and again and again. ”
“I am so embarrassed right now,” I said, using the back of my other hand to wipe a few stray tears. “Damn.”
“Can you promise me something now?”
“What?”
“That you’ll get some ice cream on your way back home and then stay home until I get there.”
I considered her words as I walked along the concrete sidewalk, cars moving slowly past, the city traffic not letting anyone get anywhere fast.
“Ice cream sounds like a good idea,” I said, still feeling incredibly stupid about the whole thing. It hit worse because I’d done it to myself. Nobody had forced me into anything, but I’d had to go and do it all by myself.
“Good. I’ll see you in a few hours, then.”
I sighed. “I think I’m going to order Chinese or something and just stay home on my own tonight.”
Chelsea hmmed at me. “Are you sure, Del? I’m here for you. I just have to finish work, but other than that, I’m here for you. We can hang out together if you don’t feel like being alone.”
“I think I’ll be okay,” I said.
After all, I’m likely going to be alone for a long time after this, so I may as well practice.
“You sure?”
“Yes. I’ve got a lot of thinking to do. I need to make some changes.”
“Changes? Like what?”
“Like I’m going to put me first for a while.
Forget men. No dating. No nothing. Just doing my life the way I want to.
I’m gonna read a ton of books. And buy some more books.
Maybe even a bookshelf to put them on. I’m gonna learn how to cook some new foods.
I could start a little garden on my balcony, grow some herbs or something.
That would be fun. Things like that. Just focus on me. ”
“I wholeheartedly support that,” Chelsea said. “Good for you.”
“Yeah. Fuck men for a bit,” I said enthusiastically, the idea planting itself in my mind. “I don’t need them. Not right now. It’s Dela-time. I’m going to make myself my number one priority.”
“Just don’t go too far,” Chelsea cautioned. “Like I did.”
I smiled. “Don’t worry. I’m not gonna do that. We don’t need another wedge between us.”
Before meeting Mark, Chelsea had gone through a similar phase. But she’d taken it a bit too far, and when I’d needed her—after a breakup, of course—she’d refused to be there for me. It had hurt and taken a toll on our friendship.
However, that was long in the past, and we were good again.
“Okay, good,” she said, sounding mildly relieved. “If you change your mind at all, if you need not to be alone, you call me, okay? I’ll come over or come get you, whatever.”
“Thanks,” I said, meaning every bit of it. “Truly, you’re the best friend. I appreciate it. I’m strangely at peace with it, though. I think just focusing on myself for a bit … it’s necessary. As you said, it’ll take some work to figure out how to be normal.”
“You’re not that bad,” Chelsea said with a laugh. “It’s just in relationships with romantic intent that you go a little too wild.”
“Well, that’s good to hear.” I laughed a bit. It felt nice. “I’m gonna go get some of that extra-thick mint chocolate chip ice cream. You know the stuff we had on your birthday that Mark got you? I think today calls for that.”
“And you don’t want me to come over?” she moaned. “Mean!”
I laughed again. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay? Go get some work done. I’m sorry for interrupting you so much.”
“It’s fine. Love you, Del.”
“Love you, too, Chels.”
I hung up and slid the phone into my purse. That ice cream was calling my name. I could taste it already, creamy, sugary, and so very minty and chocolatey. Yep, that was the name of the game tonight. That, and some cheesy reality TV. Oh, yes.