Chapter 18
Ryan
A fter Tyler's visit, my attempt at sobriety ended. I left the room, intending to go for a walk to cool down, but instead, I headed straight for my private stash. I drank a quarter of the amount I usually drank. I just needed a little bit to get me through the party, and I thought I had it all under control. No one would be the wiser. But I had been on edge ever since, needing my next drink. The deafening blood pounding in my ears was not loud enough to block out the moment I heard Lily on the phone talking about me to someone. I wasn't thinking straight; I just lashed out. And I almost hurt her.
"What the fuck just happened?" I was shaking. "I d-d-didn't mean it. I need to..." As I rushed toward the door, Ethan blocked me. I tried to get around him, but Eric grabbed hold of the collar of my shirt and pulled me closer to him until our noses touched.
"I will fucking knock you the fuck out if you ever step close to Lily in this state," he snarled at me. From my peripheral vision, his balled-up fist waited for me to fuck up.
"I'm with you on that one." Ethan folded his arms. His biceps bulged. They were my best friends, and we'd never fought before, but they were also Lily's men, and I had crossed a line. I deserved to be put in my place. It didn't mean the animal inside me didn't rile up, ready to throw myself into defense mode.
Matt's eyes were just as vicious. He turned around and walked out of the room, leaving me on my own with them.
"I can't just leave it like this. She has to know I didn't mean it." I broke down, and Eric shoved me backward. I staggered over the carpet and fell to the floor.
Eric curled his top lip. His disgust needed no words.
"It doesn't matter what you meant. What matters is what you did. You scared the life out of her. You think we're going to allow you around her after that? You're fucking crazier than you look," Ethan attacked.
His words stung, and worthless didn't even begin to describe the way I felt.
Like the sorry ass that I was, I broke down sobbing in a ball on the floor. Eric hissed, "Man, you need to get your shit together. I know what you're going through, but it doesn't excuse what you just did. The fact remains that, instead of letting Tyler kill you, you chose to live and took another life. You made that choice, and now you just have to live with it. Like we all do."
Fire burned through my eyes as I looked at him. "Don't you tell me what I should and shouldn't take responsibility for."
"Truth hurts." He cocked his head, and my chest thundered.
"You know what, you're right. It was my choice, just like it was yours. So, in the spirit of taking responsibility, you wouldn't mind if I go to the police, would you? Because I can't live with this guilt, the lying. And if I've already lost Lily anyway, what else do I have to lose?" I challenged.
I thought a part of me was trying to push her away to force myself into doing the right thing. And I might have succeeded tonight. The other part of me was losing control, and I was afraid of what I might become if I kept letting the toxins inside me break me down until I didn't recognize myself.
"You wouldn't!" Eric stormed toward me.
"Why not? You gonna kill me if I talk?" I sat up.
"Eric, back off," Ethan commanded. "He has a point."
"I won't lose her." Eric panted, glaring at me before slapping his face and growling.
"You're choosing this, just as much as I am. So don't you look down your condescending nose at me. How are you all hurting her any less?" I lashed out at them because focusing on what I'd just done, and how I could have caused her serious damage if that pitcher had crashed and broken over her, was terrifying.
Eric stormed out the door and slammed it behind him. I turned my glare to the last one standing.
"What?" He narrowed his eyes at me.
"Well, aren't you leaving too?" I asked.
He rolled his eyes and they wandered before widening. "Well, wouldn't you like that?" He headed for my secret stash, hidden in my closet. Damn it, I should've closed the door. I was looking forward to obliterating myself when they left and praying that I didn't wake up. But Ethan started grabbing bottles and I charged after him. He shrugged me off easily and headed toward the glass door leading to outside.
"No!" I yelled as he started smashing the bottles of brandy, whiskey, vodka, and wine on the stone path.
It was like he was tossing me about, and as the liquor colored the ground, I envisioned my own blood. Maybe I couldn't stop drinking whenever I wanted. Oh fuck, I thought I was an addict.