Chapter 15
Asher
Ineeded to clear my mind. Ever since leaving the group session, all I’d thought about was her. It had been consuming me unlike anything ever had before. When I went to bed last night, all I could think about was her and how I can be supportive, as Dana put it.
I struggled to imagine how to support her through this.
She was so fiery, so difficult to understand.
I knew her mind was set on killing herself, yet we’d shared such a good moment.
It seemed too abrupt to not mean something.
Had I done or said something insensitive?
I couldn’t think of anything that might have been.
Before crashing, I went from angry, to sad, to confused, and back to angry again.
Shaking my head, I sat upright on my bed and decided a jog was in order. Nothing crazy—just enough to get my head straight and maybe focus on something else. Making my way downstairs, I knew my mother had gone into work early, but she’d still made breakfast for us.
Grabbing a breakfast sandwich, I gobbled it down, preparing for the task ahead.
I would walk for five minutes, maybe jog for thirty seconds, and bring my heartrate back down to normal before attempting a short run again.
I knew the tumour placed too much pressure on me to exert myself, but maybe I had understood the doctors wrong when they told me to take it easy.
Maybe they meant I just needed to pace myself in order to keep my heart strong.
Either way, I needed this, if not for my body, then for my mental health. So, without my mother knowing, I scarfed down the sandwich, slipped on my runners that had been stored in the basement, and set off outside.
As I walked, I could feel my heart rate pick up an extra decibel.
All was good and steady. One foot in front of the other, just as I did every day.
It was as if my body knew I was preparing to run, getting ready to exert itself; I’d never felt my heart rate increase like it was now. I needed it to remain steady.
My phone buzzed in my pocket, pulling me out of my anxious thoughts. Reaching for it, the name lighting up my screen read Alex.
Alex: Hey man! Long time. A couple of the boys are going to the game tonight if you wanna tag along?
Hovering my thumbs over the keyboard, I wondered what to say.
Attending hockey games with my friends was good for me—it made me feel normal.
I always got excited to watch our university team play, but the drinking and partying that came along with it wasn’t great for me.
The music alone in the arena sent my heart into slight spasms, which was about all I could handle—let alone the judgment across their faces every time I declined a pint of beer or going to the bar after the game.
Asher: Hey man. Count me in.
I sent it before I could change my mind. I’d cancelled far too many times, and honestly, I’m surprised they still included me. I could be fucking normal for one night.
Alex: Fuck yeah, man. The boys are back! See you tonight!
And that was that. I was locked in for a night out, telling myself I’d watch the game and then say I had early morning commitments and couldn’t go out afterward.
I slipped my phone back into my pocket and set a timer, scanning my surroundings. The sun was shining. The weather was warm. I decided there was no better time than now to pick up my pace. I began jogging lightly, my arms moving in stride.
It felt…okay. Nothing notable. I kept a decent pace and stopped when my phone buzzed, switching back to a walk. My heart rate was elevated, but nothing unmanageable. Okay, I can do this.
Going back and forth—setting timers on my phone, walking anywhere between five and eight minutes in between made me feel strong.
There was hope in my soul that I could strengthen myself.
That I could be a better version of me. Not the version I was before, but this one here, in this moment, with the challenges I’d faced. I could be a better version physically.
Setting my timer again, I ran for thirty seconds. I felt good. I felt so at ease jogging lightly. My mind wandered, wondering why I hadn’t continued maintaining this years ago.
With each stride, I felt myself increasing the speed, my heart rate climbing with it. I felt good. I felt powerful. I also felt present in this moment, something I had lacked over the years after the diagnosis. It felt like I was taking a piece of myself back, and it was empowering.
As one leg extended in front of the other, a jolt of pain surged through my chest.
Fuck.
That hurt.
I immediately stopped, standing still, trying to lower my heart rate. I rubbed my chest, hoping the pain would subside, but it just wouldn’t. The pain was sharp, jagged edges tearing through my veins and arteries.
I stumbled off the side of the path and collapsed onto the ground. Closing my eyes, I attempted to steady my breath—breathing in through my nostrils, out through my mouth. The agony surging throughout my body was unbearable. A tear streamed down my face.
I can’t die like this.
I can’t fucking die.
I’m too young. I have too many things to do.
I need to fucking live.
I need her to know life is worth fucking living.
My sobbing began to subside as the dimness of the outside world circled in on me. Like an arrow approaching its target, I was going down. My world was closing in around me. The pain still ebbing.
I inhaled one more breath.
Everything went dark.
The last image that I saw was her.
I saw Lennon.
* * *
Opening my eyes, I immediately felt like I had been hit by a bus. Although my vision was blurry, it was quick to clear and see that my mother was sitting next to my bed, visibly shaken. I reached my hand out to hers and watched as her head snapped up, suddenly alert.
“Oh my God, Asher. I have been sitting here bargaining with a God I don’t even believe in that you’ll be okay,” she gasped, the desperation dripping through her voice.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I’m so sorry,” I said. And I was. I couldn’t believe I’d put her through yet another stint here at the hospital. The amount of times we’ve sat in rooms like this, I might as well take up permanent residency. But all those other times hadn’t been from my carelessness. This one was.
“Why were you out for a run?” she asked. “Specifically, on a path that doesn’t have a lot of traffic because it’s hidden from street view? You’re lucky someone came across you.” Her head fell into her hands, her shoulders shaking from the pressure she was under.
Shaking my head at my behaviour, I said, “Mom, I’m so sorry.
It’s never going to happen again. I had a burst of energy or something, and it made me feel like I could be normal again, you know?
” She peered up at me, and I rushed to add, “I know it doesn’t make it okay, but just know I won’t ever do that again. ”
Confusion made its presence known across her face as she took my hand. “Asher, you are normal. What is normal, anyway?”
A smirk tugged at one side of my mouth, “Yeah, yeah, I know. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly. I know.”
We both smiled at each other.
“I know what you mean, Asher. I don’t mean to give off toxic positivity or whatever you call it. I just…I just see you as normal. You have a medical condition, so what? So does about eighty percent of the world.”
Rolling my eyes, I noticed the doctor walking in behind her.
“Nice to see you awake, Asher,” Dr. Azad greeted. I smiled, slightly embarrassed to be in this bed by my own doing,
“Thanks, Dr. Azad. I’m sorry I’m here.”
She offered me a soft smile. “I understand. Basically, what happened is you exerted too much energy, and your heart was unable to keep up with the demand. Not to frighten you, but you’re very lucky you didn’t have any fragments of your tumour dislodge and cause greater damage.
This was the best case scenario for this type of thing. ”
I could feel my mother’s eyes narrowing on me. I avoided direct eye contact with her knowing she was saying I told you so in her head.
“Won’t happen again,” I confirmed with the doctor.
“Better not,” she replied with a wink.
After clearing us free to go, my mother walked me out to her car in the staff parking lot. I could tell something was on her mind. She never stayed quiet for long, so I waited for the moment that she was about to drop a bomb on me.
It didn’t take long.
“Is this because of that girl?” she asked.
Immediately, I became defensive. “What are you talking about?”
“At dinner the other day, you mentioned that you met a girl. Is this why you’ve decided you can just up and run now?”
I huffed out a laugh, almost finding it comical that she thought that. My mind shot to the group and how she’d likely piece it together that it was me and Lennon. I’d said it in a fit of rage at the dinner table, not thinking about the consequences.
It all made sense now.
“No, it’s not about a girl. I just woke up feeling good and wanted to give it a try, thinking it would strengthen my heart—not hinder it. And just because I met a girl doesn’t mean anything,” I said, as if that was going to be the end of it.
We got into the car at the same time, and I buckled myself into the passenger seat. She glanced over at me.
“Did you meet her at group, Asher?”
Nervousness surrounded her words. I was a shitty liar, and I hadn’t really thought about the type of impact this would have on anyone. I shook my head in frustration.
“Mom, I was just tired of being the one left out of the success stories. I can’t be successful in the way I know I should have been. So I was shouting nonsense without meaning. I felt like a loser, so I acted like one.”
The sympathy that washed over her face made me cringe. That—that look—was the one I was running from. I fucking hated it.
Attempting to change the subject, I asked, “Who found me on the trails?”
My mother shrugged as she pulled out of the parking lot. “I don’t know. Some girl just called an ambulance.”