Chapter 16
Lennon
Somehow, I had made it back to that room.
It was my third session, with twenty-one still remaining after today.
I tried my very best to keep my focus on the task in front of me and not on the daunting number of sessions I still had to attend.
The fact of the matter was that I had completed two—almost three sessions. I could fucking do this. I had to.
Asher didn’t sit next to me in the group this time, which I found perplexing. Maybe he had finally gotten the hint that I wasn’t interested in his bullshit. I wasn’t interested in his attempts to make me feel safe or comforted by his relaxed nature. No. None of it swayed me.
I peered over at him from my seat, making sure an apathetic glare rested upon my features in the event he looked up.
If I was being honest, I was surprised his eyes didn’t meet mine.
I shook my head in annoyance and looked away.
Dana prepared the group for the session, acting as the hostess with the mostest, as she so naturally did.
There were only minutes to spare, which felt like hours when the silence was deafening between two people in the room.
Once again, I looked back at Asher. My features softened subconsciously as I took in his appearance.
There was something about the way he sat that looked painful.
His shoulders were slouched slightly more forward than they had been last week, and his face appeared more flushed than it had been.
Asher normally kept his arms open, almost to invite you in for a hug.
But today, they were tightly wrapped across his chest, as though he was holding himself together in his own embrace.
For some reason, it bothered me. And I couldn’t shake why.
Dana began her symposium, greeting us and reviewing housekeeping items as if we’d all developed amnesia over the weekend and forgotten where the bathrooms were.
My attention drifted despite my best efforts, and my gaze was pulled toward him.
His expression hadn’t changed. It seemed almost…
hardened today. Something about that made me miss his easy temperament and soft smile.
“Alright everyone, now that I’ve reviewed your bucket lists, I have an announcement to make,” Dana said, startling me out of my daze.
“These lists were a test—to see if you could create goals that were truly achievable in this life. Realistically speaking, of course, some things are more challenging than others. That much is the same across the board.”
I managed to pull my attention away from Asher long enough to really absorb what Dana was about to say. I had been slightly curious about the bucket list assignment, already knowing it wouldn’t end there. I knew there had to be an additional course of action here. This was about to be my answer.
“I’ve approved each and every one of your lists,” Dana continued. “I want you to take them and, together with your partner, complete all of the tasks.”
Dana must have paused for dramatic effect, or maybe my mind simply glitched, because time stood fucking still the moment her words hit me.
Complete…the tasks?
That couldn’t be right. I shook my head, trying to get a grip on reality, and noticed the rest of the group staring at her as if she’d grown three goddamn heads.
Dana took a moment to look around the room with intention. “I know that sounds alarming to some of you. It will push you out of your comfort zones—I’m sure of it. You’ll get frustrated with your partner, but you’ll grow alongside them, as well.”
My peripherals closed in on me. I shook my head again, trying to snap out of it.
No. No. No. I couldn’t have a fucking panic attack here.
My chest constricted, my breaths turning shallow and ineffective.
What the hell was happening to me? It felt like all of my fears were coming alive, even though I knew none of them actually were. I just couldn’t stop it.
I could feel eyes on me, every sense burning at once.
I squeezed my eyes tightly together, then forced them open again.
I needed to ground myself. Think of the breathing box.
Count to four. My mind refused to concentrate.
What was the other fucking exercise Rachel had taught me?
Smells? Or the sights? Fuck, what was it?
When I opened my eyes, I felt a gaze blanketing my body. A gorgeous set of eyes rested sadly on me. Asher. We sat there, staring at each other for a few moments, before he mouthed, You’re going to be okay.
My heart rate slowed as if my body just knew he was right. I was going to be okay. At least for today, I would be okay.
Dana continued, ignoring the room’s collective distaste for the assignment. “Over the course of the next ten weeks, you’ll have the sessions to complete the tasks. Or, if you’re comfortable, you can exchange contact information and complete them at your leisure.”
Slowing my breath, I stared up at the ceiling and listened as Dana continued on.
“Obviously, some of the items are unrealistic to complete. Travel, for instance, might be difficult—but that doesn’t mean we can’t get creative.
You could conduct a research project on a country, plan a day around its cuisines, or try learning the language.
The sky’s the limit. Over the next ten weeks, you’ll spend one session completing a task and the other doing some internal work.
This is the crux of the group. The final week will be for reviewing the completed tasks, reflection, and a certification of the program. ”
I wanted to cry. Something deep inside me told me this was going to change things. I didn’t know what, or how—but I knew it would be hard. And I didn’t handle hard things well. I couldn’t handle basic life tasks, let alone allowing someone inside to do things I would have done in another lifetime.
I looked over at Asher. He seemed…off. Still not himself. As much as I didn’t want him to see the darker parts of me, I also didn’t want him to feel the way I did about myself. He looked how I felt all the time now, and I didn’t want that for him.
Just as I got lost in that thought, his eyes met mine. The sadness tucked within the confines of his irises was enough to pull empathy from some deeply rooted place in my heart.
Breaking eye contact, I looked back at Dana as she answered questions from Greg.
If I recalled correctly, he was the one with the porn addiction—the one who’d been paired with this beautiful young woman he probably already projected a million red flags onto.
He argued that he couldn’t be forced to partner with another woman, or his wife would murder him.
The irony was that the whole reason he was likely in this group was to save his fucking marriage in the first place.
By the sound of it, it wouldn’t be her loss.
I looked down at my hands and noticed I’d been picking the skin away from my nails, causing them to bleed.
Dana finally called the group’s attention, obviously from Greg’s antics.
“Alright everyone, if you don’t have any more questions, please get together with your partner, find your list on the table over on the side, and start checking one off this week. ”
A few people walked up to her, obviously unsatisfied with the task at hand. I just sat there, and surprisingly, so did Asher. He didn’t move to get up and get the paper or approach me. Maybe it was my turn.
With a huff, I hoisted myself out of the seat and stomped toward the table where the sheets were laid out. There it was—second from the first—with Lennon and Asher Graves written at the top. Anger pooled inside of me at the sight. How did he so easily get under my skin? It was infuriating.
I snatched the paper off the table and marched toward him, murder practically blazing in my eyes. When I stopped in front of Asher, he eyed me, clearly not in the mood for my shit. Perfect, bring it on, rich boy.
“Lennon,” he said, rubbing his face, “I’m not feeling great, so if at all possible, please have mercy on me and let’s not start today on the wrong foot?” He was pleading with me, clearly exasperated. A smirk flitted against my lips, threatening to bring on the challenge.
“Aw, does someone have a little man cold?” I snarked.
I waited for the rebuttal. Instead, he sighed. “Which one do you want to knock off this week?”
A pang of disappointment flooded my emotions. I enjoyed being a bitch, but some small part of me realized that he didn’t deserve it—not right now. He clearly wasn’t in the mood, and maybe—just maybe—I needed to read the room and back off.
I lifted the list closer to my face, reviewing the options. Ten tasks. All terrible. “I don’t know,” I muttered. “What about doing something reckless—or volunteering?”
I didn’t want to do any of them, but if I was going to finish out this therapy group, I’d have to bite the bullet. Everything inside me wanted to run away, screaming and crying, but for some reason, being stuck doing this with him felt…tolerable. As okay as I could imagine.
From the corner of the room, where a few participants surrounded Dana with questions, she shouted out to us in a chipper tone, “Remember everyone, in order to complete this program, you must complete the tasks. This is the assignment—the entire group assignment.”
My head dropped down toward my chest. Something inside me kept dragging me along, forcing me to keep going.
Why couldn’t I just fucking do it? Why did I care that if I died, something terrible would happen to me—that someone would find me like that?
Why did I fucking care at all? Why did assisted suicide make the outcome any easier?
A muffled voice broke through the noise. “Lennon?”
Jostled out of a daze, I connected my eyes with his baby blues. My God, they were crystal clear, like the blue in the ocean waves, a peaceful truce.
“Yes. Sorry,” I said, stumbling over the words. “Which one did you want to do first?”
Asher eyed me, a flicker of confusion passing over his face. “Let’s do something reckless,” he suggested. “I’m already on a roll with this one.”
There was something impetuous in the way he said it, as if Asher Graves was drifting down a path of destruction. I wasn’t so sure I was the best partner for him, because let’s face it: that was my entire goal.
I nodded and dropped my gaze to the list. Asher leaned in and whispered, “I guess some of them won’t be doable, though.”
Concerned that he was giving up even before the assignment had begun, I shot him a glare and snapped, “We can get a little creative, don’t you think?”
He was fed up with me—I knew it. He looked up through his lashes, fire flashing in his icy-blue eyes. “How do you suppose we float in the fucking Dead Sea, then?”
I was momentarily lost for words. I hadn’t even pushed him, and he’d already snapped. I hadn’t thought he had it in him. Well, fuck him. It was on. We were completing this fucking task whether he liked it or not, and I didn’t give a shit how we did it, as long as we did.
“Listen, I don’t care if we hop into a pool labelled the Dead Fucking Sea—we’re going to complete this fucking assignment one way or another.
” I took the pen I’d grabbed from the table, wrote down my cell phone number, crumbled the paper, and tossed it in Asher’s direction.
“If you change your fucking attitude and decide you want to complete this with me, you can reach me here, asshole.”