Lennon
Sitting next to his hospital bed, I began to relive moments from my childhood, as if every path I’d ever taken had led me here.
So many tragedies had happened to my family—too many, even before considering anyone else’s.
Just reliving it all gave me goosebumps.
I closed my eyes and saw my dad coming home to tell me about the loss of my baby brother.
A tear welled when I remembered the moment I learned my dad hadn’t survived a car accident.
It slipped down my face, reached the corner of my lips, and seeped into my mouth until I tasted salt.
Then there were all the times I’d wound up back here after cutting myself, attempting to end it all, only to realize I just fucking couldn’t. The coward living inside my brain wouldn’t let me cut deep enough, wouldn’t let me go that extra fucking mile. It just wouldn’t. And I hated myself for it.
Nothing good ever came from me existing in this world.
Sitting there, looking at Asher in his hospital bed, I realized I had pushed him too far.
I had asked for too much. He was here because I couldn’t just leave well enough alone.
I had fucking pushed him into the fucking hospital. What was wrong with me?
Just as the spiral tightened its grip, the doctor walked in.
“Well, hello. My name is Dr. Azad. I’m Asher’s primary physician,” she said kindly. “Were you with him when he collapsed?”
I nodded. “Yeah. I was with him. We were getting a dog.” I shook my head at how ridiculous I sounded. Meek. Small. Insignificant. But that was me.
She placed a hand on my shoulder. “There’s nothing you could have done to prevent this,” she said gently. “Cardiac angiosarcoma is unpredictable, even under the best circumstances; especially considering how long Asher has managed to keep himself alive. It’s remarkable, really.”
I twisted toward her, completely dumbfounded that I hadn’t known he was sick. “What does that mean?” I questioned. “Like, his disease. What is that?”
“In simple terms,” Dr. Azad explained, “it’s a cancerous tumour that developed in his blood vessels and has since travelled—or began to take up space—in his heart muscle.
It’s terminal.” She studied me curiously for a moment, clearly realizing I was hearing this for the very first time.
Her hair was pulled into a tight bun, her appearance professional and precise, but the kindness that sat behind the irises in her eyes told me everything I needed to know about her.
She was one of the good ones, and I was grateful he was in her care.
I nodded slowly and whispered, “So…he’s dying? I know what terminal means. He just doesn’t seem like he’s dying.”
I sounded so small in her presence. She pressed her lips together sympathetically, dipping her head as she nodded slowly.
“I’m so sorry to be the one to tell you,” she said softly. “This disease has essentially taken over his world and stripped away the things he loved. I’ve been his doctor for a long time. I do find it peculiar that he didn’t share that with someone so close to him.”
With that, she glanced over the cords connected to him, made note of the numbers glowing on the monitors, and quietly left the room.
I turned back to Asher and realized his eyes were open.
Butterflies flipped violently in my belly at the sight of those baby blues.
“Asher! You’re awake!” I exclaimed, relief spilling out of me faster than my body could contain it.
A brightly lit smile painted his face. He stared at me like I was something wondrous, and it took every ounce of restraint I had inside of my body not to lunge into his arms.
“Oh, there you are, little siren,” he said softly. “I told you—you could take me out of this world if you really wanted to.” A soft chuckle slipped from those perfect lips.
I closed my eyes as a smirk danced on my lips. Of course, he would make a joke at this inopportune time. “What is wrong with you, asshole?” I snapped. “You couldn’t have mentioned to me in passing that—oh, I don’t know—you’re dying?”
I couldn’t suppress the anger festering inside me. He had lied. Not about something small—this was a big fucking deal. Monumental, even. This was why he lived with his parents. Why he didn’t have a driver’s license. Why he was in the group. And why he had begged me to reconsider my wish to die.
Shame coated me like a heavy blanket, the weight on my shoulders growing unbearable. I was an asshole. My shoulders caved inward, and I felt the sting bloom behind my eyes all at once.
“Hey,” he said gently, “don’t do that. Stay here with me, Lennon.” His voice softened. ‘I should have told you. I know that. But can we—just for today—set it aside? For now, let’s pretend I’m in the hospital because I got into a fist fight protecting your honour. Or something equally as cheesy.”
The light inside him was impossible to ignore. I attempted to suppress the smirk threatening to surface, but it was no use.
“He really did a number on you,” I quipped.
His grin widened even more. “Nah. You should see the other guy, little siren.”
We sat there in a pocket of silence before he reached out and took my hand from where it rested against the side of his hospital bed.
His thumb traced slow, gentle circles over my knuckles, enticing goosebumps to rise across my skin.
Without moving my head, I looked up at him through thick lashes.
He was already watching me with those eyes that said a million things and nothing at all.
“You know I’m okay, right?” he rasped softly.
I broke eye contact, unwilling to let him witness the impending breakdown hovering just beneath the surface. I wasn’t ready for that. Instead, I nodded, my gaze fixed anywhere by him.
“I’m sorry I put a damper on getting Nova home,” he said with a smirk, clearly trying to lighten the mood. “We can go back and get her as soon as they release me from this hell hole.”
This time, I was the one who surprised him.
“That won’t be necessary,” I said with a smile. “She’s already home. Your lovely taxi driver brought her to my place.” I paused. “Hopefully Duke doesn’t ransack my apartment—I gave him the keys.”
Asher burst out laughing. “Ransack what? Your takeout containers?”
At that moment, Dr. Azad popped her head into the room. “I thought I heard that laugh all the way down the hall,” she said. “All your stats came back great, you are free to go. The nurses will be by shortly to unhook you.”
She turned to leave, then stopped and swung her head back into the doorway. “Oh—and by the way, Asher,” she added, waiting until he lifted his head to give her his attention, “dick move gatekeeping that kind of information from her. Be better.” Then she disappeared down the hall.
Dr. Azad was funny and compassionate. The more I learned about Asher, the more I realized that goodness seemed to orbit him effortlessly. The perspective was refreshing, and I was grateful I had been given the opportunity to get to know him, regardless of how short that time might be.
A gentle squeeze of my hand pulled me out of my trance. I met his eyes as he said, “Let’s get home to our love child.”
I rolled my eyes to the back of my head dramatically. “Did you lose a few brain cells when you went under, or is this just par for the course with you?”
He shrugged. “Guess you’ll have to stick around to find out.”