Chapter 33
Lennon
We arrived at the spot my father had taken me more times than I could count before he died. I never came here while I was homeless, fearful that the comfort woven into those memories would be tainted if something happened to me there.
Shock tightened in my chest when I realized I had led us to the right place. So much time had passed that I worried my memories were skewed, or that the campground would be overgrown, swallowed by time and the wilderness
But it hadn’t.
It stood exactly as I remembered it.
Tall pine trees encircled the clearing, their branches cascading overhead with a narrow opening that sloped toward a spring-fed lake. The water had been so cold my fingers went numb within seconds—or at least that was how I remembered it. Some things didn’t change, and I hoped this was one of them.
Even the fallen tree that had served as our bench during my childhood was still resting where it always had.
It looked more weathered now, more sunken and rotten into the ground, bark split with age—but it remained.
The sight of it loosened something in myself.
I could almost taste the campfire smoke, hear his laugh drifting through the trees as we ate dinner side by side on that log.
Nova’s tail wagged frantically as the car rolled to a slow stop.
“My dad used to bring me here every weekend in the summer for as long as I can remember,” I said, a soft laugh slipping free. “Honestly, he probably brought me here the day I was born. It was his favourite spot.”
Asher had always been cautious to give me space when I spoke about my past—measured, almost. Like he was determining whether the memory was painful or sweet.
“Did your mom join you two?” he asked.
I didn’t know why, but the thought had never even occurred to me. The realization struck with quiet confusion. “No,” I said after a moment, “Actually…she didn’t.”
I hummed under my breath, shaking my head as the pieces rearranged. “She rarely left the house, if I’m being honest. Until one day, she did—and then she never came back.”
Asher considered me. “Sounds like your dad was the best.”
My face softened with the truth of it. It was the simplest, truest statement. He had been the best. I’d taken that for granted. “He really was. You would have loved him.”
He turned toward me so quickly it stole my breath, and only then did I realize what I’d admitted out loud. As foreign as it felt to admit something so personal, I didn’t regret the words once they exited my mouth. I let him wear that badge of honour—one no one else had the privilege to.
“My mom left me alone not long after my dad died,” I continued, quieter now. “But something strange happened when he died.” I glanced over at Nova. “He didn’t leave the insurance policy to my mother. He left it to me.”
A faint, almost sombre smile flitted across my lips. “He’d set me up before he ever knew I would need it.”
I sighed, the weight of it pressing down across my shoulders. “But I wasn’t able to access that policy until I became a legal adult.”
Asher bent to pick up a stick, tossing it for Nova to fetch. His jaw tightened, the timing clicking into place behind his beautiful blues before he finally asked, “You were young when your dad died, right?”
I nodded. “Yup. It would’ve been well over a decade before I could touch that money, which is why I was homeless throughout my teens.”
Asher’s face fell sombre. I could see it forming in his brain—the image of me at fourteen, fifteen, sixteen. All the things that could have happened. All the things that probably had.
“Hey,” I said gently, trying to lighten the weight pressing down on him. “It’s okay.”
I didn’t want this moment to be a shared trauma. I didn’t want him to carry the weight of it like I had.
“When I finally gained access to that money, my dad had really set me up,” I continued.
“He provided me with a life I could enjoy after everything terrible that happened. I didn’t have to work.
I didn’t have to live with anyone else anymore.
And now…” I glanced toward the opening of the lake.
“Now I get to do this final stretch with more ease than I was ever gifted before.”
Silence stretched between us.
“Can I ask you something without sounding fucking morbid?” Asher asked carefully.
A quiet laugh slipped from me. As if there were anything Asher could say that would be deemed morbid or shock me. “You can ask me anything,” I encouraged him.
He dipped his head, the unease of the question visible in the way he hesitated.
“I know you want to die, but what’s holding you back from…
doing it?” He hesitated. “I mean—from all you’ve suffered—why go through all the trouble of this program?
Not that I’m upset about it. I just…” He exhaled, shaking his head. “I don’t know what I’m asking.”
I smiled faintly, aware of how uncomfortable the question made him. It was a painful nightmare that I didn’t want to sink into, but I could offer him the SparkNotes version.
“Well, my mom killed herself. Her body was found naked, covered in bodily fluids from all the men who violated her already-dead corpse.”
Asher’s hand jerked halfway to his mouth in horror. “Jesus, Lennon. I’m so sorry. That’s…that’s beyond fucked up. Who found her like that?”
The image forced itself into my brain, violating any peaceful thoughts without mercy. My eyes squeezed shut, the memory stabbing through me with the same desecration it always had.
“I did.”
The colour drained from his face, leaving him ghostly pale.
“Asher,” I said quietly, “don’t pity me. I don’t want the way you see me to change just because you discover things about my past—no matter how dark it gets.”
I reached for his hand, threading my fingers through his. I needed him to feel it—the resigned contentment with the way I was living out the rest of my life.
“Asher, there’s nothing left for me on this planet,” I said. “And if I’m being honest, this program gives me a relief I never thought I’d truly get.”
He bowed his head. “I don’t want to accept that.”
I leaned into him until our shoulders pressed firmly together, sealing our closeness. Nova seemed to sense the intimacy shift and settled in front of us, chewing on her stick. I glanced at her and smiled to myself.
“I know,” I murmured. “Before you came along, I had no friends. No family. No job—absolutely nothing. A half-assed apartment, a therapist, and fuck-all else to show for it.”
Moments passed with our shoulders still pressed together, neither of us budging for an inch of space.
Asher exhaled slowly. “You know, even though we’re on opposite sides of the same coin, I still feel so lost. So…empty. I had every friend under the sun, money I couldn’t spend fast enough. Decent parents. I was a star hockey player, and now—what? What am I?”
I turned to face him, immediately feeling the separation the moment our shoulders disconnected. Taking his hand, I said softly, “You’re you.”
My thumb brushed over his knuckles, “Something rare—wildly beautiful. The sun rising to brighten the night sky—the only light I’ve witnessed throughout the darkness. The only light in all the years since my dad left.”
He smiled, soft and genuine.
“Even though I feel lost and broken,” he said, “like my life can end at any given moment, I still want to live. It’s like life showed me every incredible thing it had to offer, and then ripped it all away in a single beat.
The heaviness of that makes it hard to move on—but I do. And then I found you, Lennon.”
Heat rushed to my cheeks. A flutter crashed through my core, euphoria rippling through my brain.
And then it hit me.
I didn’t want to talk about dying while I was trying so desperately to live.
No—I wanted to feel everything I’d been denied.
I wanted to experience it with Asher.
I wanted all of it.
I lunged onto him, sending us both toppling off the stump we’d been sitting on. A flicker of embarrassment washed over me at the boldness of it, but it quickly vanished the second I saw the bright, surprised smile breaking across Asher’s face as he embraced my body against his.
Nova sprang up, bounded toward us and enthusiastically licked our faces. Our laughter echoed through the trees, infectious in the quiet of the forest.
This was Asher.
Happy.
Even with puppy slobber streaked across his cheek. Even while standing on death’s doorstep.
“I want to test out another—” I began.
Asher didn’t even let me finish. He nodded quickly, breathless. “Yes. Please. Anything.”
I shook my head and huffed out a laugh. “No, it’s your turn. I offered up the balcony, and I’m pretty sure I shaved a couple years off your life.”
He broke out into an unrestrained, hysterical laugh, the sound vibrating positivity through me where I pressed against him.
“Oh, my little siren—you’ve definitely shaved years off from whatever ending I have.
But you’ve added some, too, so I’d say we’re even.
” His eyes darkened, anticipating my fantasy.
“Go ahead. Spill it. What twisted little fantasy is living up in that perfect head of yours?”
Heat climbed into my cheeks, slowly creeping. I shifted slightly on top of him, suddenly aware of our closeness.
“I want…something,” I admitted, my voice wavering now as I chewed the inside of my cheek. “But I want control. And it’s sort of violent, and I feel weird even asking—”
With easy tenderness, he tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “Don’t feel embarrassed with me. This is your time to be free. If it’s violent and you want control, you can tie me up so I can’t move. We can have a safe word, and the second you say it, everything stops—”
“Yes. That.”
Confusion flickered across Asher’s curious face.
I shook my head, frustrated by the way words tangled on my tongue. “I think I’d need a safe word or gesture for this.”
Understanding softened his features. “Of course.”