Chapter 34
Asher
On our way back to Lennon’s apartment, an exhaustion washed over me that honestly felt more good than bad.
Falling asleep under the stars with Lennon in my arms, waking up next to her soft features beside me—it all started to feel like we were lost in one another.
And I couldn’t bear the thought of being found.
Day by day, I was forgetting how ill I truly was. There were moments I knew Lennon forgot how badly she wanted to die. I knew it. I could see it in the mist of her perfect emerald eyes, how present she was—how present she was with me.
When I first met Lennon, venom had lived in her stare. Not just when she looked at me, but whenever she looked at anyone. She despised the world around her. Her spark had been stolen right from her very aura.
She carried so much pain on her shoulders that the sight of everyone else living a beautiful life felt like an insult. How dare anyone enjoy their days in her presence when all she could muster were thoughts of death?
Even though it hadn’t been long, there were moments when her pain no longer existed.
Don’t get me wrong, I knew it was still there. It would always be there, sitting deep within her bones, the weight on her shoulders aching through her muscles.
But sometimes that ever-present agony sat benign. It played hide and seek, remaining hidden until something reminded her that she was supposed to be angry. Hurt. Sad.
Sitting in the rear of the car as Duke transported us back to reality, I saw the pain slowly seep into her heart again. As much as I wished it gone, I knew it was only veiled.
I reached across the black leather seat and linked my fingers with hers.
Lennon peered up at me, as if she had nearly forgotten I was even there. A saddened smirk touched her mouth and vanished as soon as it came.
The torture in her eyes reminded me how limited our time was.
Fuck.
I couldn’t bear for it to end.
I needed her, and she needed me. We were exactly what the other required in the most fucked up way imaginable.
We were order and chaos. Beauty and destruction. Life and death.
Hyper aware of my beating heart, I shook my head, conflicted if the racing was from emotions or the defective heart that diseased my insides.
I would never know.
It was a ticking time bomb. A sound always alerting me of its presence with no countdown to warn me of the impending explosion.
Duke slowed in front of her apartment building. I had never taken the time to truly appreciate the greenery that lifted the appearance on her street. Maintained shrubs and trees highlighted that someone cared enough to carve beauty into the street.
The pride it took to nurture something in the middle of the city.
Ironically, Lennon being one of them.
“Have you ever admired the greenery on your street?” I asked before I could stop myself.
She scoffed, looking at me with pure distaste. “You mean the shitty maples everywhere?”
Baffled, I laughed. “Well, I didn’t know they were maples, but yeah. The shitty maples, I guess.”
She opened her door before I had the opportunity to get out and open it for her.
I hopped out to chase after her. “Wait! What the fuck did I do now?” The words lashed out before I could stop them.
Frustrated, I dragged a hand through my hair. “I don’t get you sometimes. I make an attempt to have these beautiful moments, acknowledging the beauty in life with you, and—”
“Just fucking stop, Asher! You’re not going to fix me, okay?!” she screamed.
I stepped onto the sidewalk where she stood. “I’m not trying to,” I replied simply.
Her face twisted with pure annoyance. “Yes, you are! You can’t stand that I am the way I am. Look at you, pointing out the fucking trees!”
“I just thought they were nice, okay?”
“No. These trees are weak, invasive, full of fucking disease and act like a complete nuisance. They offer no value to the space around them. They bring nothing but a mess.” Her eyes burned into mine.
“But hey, that’s what you like anyway, right?
Complete disasters that wreak havoc on those around them. Sound familiar?”
Lennon took off into her building, leaving me dumbfounded on the street. The shift had turned so quickly I hadn’t even had a chance to defend myself.
I observed the tree that stood directly in front of her apartment.
It stood tall. Strong.
But upon closer inspection, broken branches dangled loosely, swaying in the soft wind. The bark appeared weathered. Leaves bore dark spots that could resemble some sort of fungus. The ground surrounding the base left many seedlings that damaged the acidity of the grass, choking it to death.
I saw what she saw.
But then I didn’t.
I looked back at the green leaves and the strong, tall branches, and just how vibrant it was in such a concrete space.
It dawned on me that I was standing there like an idiot while the little menace who had, in fact, caused havoc in my life, disappeared inside.
I flung the door open and took the stairs two at a time, my heart beating painfully in my chest cavity. Reaching her door, I banged sharply three times.
“Go away,” she called.
“If you don’t open this damn door, Lennon, I’m going to break it down!” I shout in return.
Her footsteps pounded toward the entrance, angry and intense. It swung open with hostile speed.
Before she could say another word, I stepped forward, cupped her face, and kissed the pouty lips that haunted my dreams.
Her mouth was rigid at first, stiff with rage. Then she softened. Her body melted into mine as the anger seeped out of her pores. All the tension in her body was relieved into the space around us.
Reluctantly, I pulled my mouth away from hers, hands still framing her face.
“Yes, Lennon. You’re messy. You do act like a huge nuisance and a pain in my fucking ass.
But goddamn, you are not weak.” My forehead pressed into hers.
“And yeah, you might be invasive, but for fuck’s sake, I think you’re beautiful and I wouldn’t change it.
You bring light to a world I didn’t even fucking see before.
And maybe I want you to see yourself the way I do, but that doesn’t mean I want to fix you.
I want you. All of you. The messy version.
The hurt, sad, angry, vengeful, fucking nuisance, pain-in-my-ass version.
That’s the version I want. The one I’ve always wanted. ”
She stared at me like I’d knocked the breath out of her lungs. I inhaled a deep breath.
For the first time, I think I left Lennon speechless.
Her eyes lost themselves in mine, and for a moment, I thought she might cry.
Lennon breaks our gaze and looks down at the floor, subtly shaking her head.
“You don’t want me, Asher,” she said quietly.
Her statement was simple, but it struck like a dagger through me.
“Oh, but Lennon, I do. I so fucking do.”
Those piercing greens glided up and faced me, this time bloodshot. The green was crystal clear. “I’m no good. I’m rotting from the inside.”
It took everything in me not to choke up then grill her for thinking of herself that way, but I switched gears instead. “Perfect,” I whispered. “So am I. I’ve told you before, I’d rot with you forever. So let’s fucking do just that.”
Lennon attempted to pull away, but I resisted.
“Little siren, be mine until the duration of our lives times out. Be mine while we rot together. Where else would you rather be?”
Her tears were a faucet now, flowing with no end in sight.
She plunged her head into my chest, sobbing, with real, guttural sadness.
I pulled her in with no hesitation as my fingers slid through the tangled, blonde strands.
I kissed the crown of her head and rocked her gently from side to side, urging myself to be strong for her.
Then there was a break in the weeping. Lennon muttered something intelligible.
“What’s that?” I asked softly.
“I found you once,” she said with a heartache I couldn’t place.
Her head pulled away from me. She looked me directly in the eyes. A test to determine my response.
“I found you passed out once. I—I didn’t know what to do. So I called an ambulance. I fucking called an ambulance, and when I heard the sirens, I ran. I didn’t even stay to make sure you were okay. What the fuck is wrong with me?”
The redness in her eyes progressed as the water filled her lids. I shook my head in realization. “No, honey. You did what you knew to do. You saved me. I lived because of you.”
“What kind of person leaves someone to die like that?” she cried out. “I fucking left you there like that. How am I supposed to be with you? Take care of you? Especially when I run…and I leave you like that when it matters?”
“You won’t,” I whispered, believing my words to my core. “You won’t ever again. Because you hate how you feel now.”
Lennon resumed crying, then pulled away from my embrace. She paced now, pulling at her strands of her hair while she ruminated.
“How sick are you, Asher?”
I felt like she struck me. She knew I wasn’t well, but didn’t know the ins and outs.
“I’m fine—”
“No. Don’t fucking lie to me.”
Silence breached the air between us. A standoff.
Waving my white flag, I gave in. “I’m sick, Lennon. What I have is incurable. I don’t know how long I have. But right now? I feel healthy and strong. Alive. I think I’ll know when I start deteriorating.”
Lennon considered me for a moment. Then turned to face me.
“Okay.”
I stop. “What do you mean, okay?”
“Okay,” she repeated. “Let’s rot together. Until it’s over.”
I’d never felt pure happiness with the kind of poetic tragedy we shared. Nodding, I rushed toward her, sealing our fates with a long, slow kiss.
Our mouths pressed together like a coffin closing. An understanding of sealed fates.
She was mine, and I hers.
Until our very last breath.
* * *
Lennon had an appointment to make and I needed to check in at home, so we parted after a kiss that hadn’t lasted nearly as long as either of us wanted.
Once seated in the car, I pulled out my phone. Immediately, I felt my stomach drop.
Fourteen missed calls. Seventeen text messages.
Since we had gone camping, I’d left my phone with Duke in the glove compartment, never once feeling the urge to be distracted from any of my time with Lennon. Now the screen glared back at me like an accusation.
The spam that infiltrated my text messages were mainly from my mother.
However, one stuck out.
Father.
That was odd…
Father: Where the hell are you? Your mother is worried sick about you and hasn’t been able to reach you. Fucking call us before I trace your goddamn phone!
A sharp jolt of worry rushed through me.
Why did my mother need to get ahold of me? What the hell was happening?
I pressed play on the first voicemail.
“Hey, Ash, It’s Mom. I just wanted to call and connect with you regarding a treatment that become available to you. It’s a pilot project, but the success rate is astronomical. I think you’d have a great shot. Call me when you get this.”
I skipped to the next.
“Asher, I really need you to call me back so we can make arrangements for this medication. The spots are limited, and although I’m your mother, I can’t sign for you. You’re an adult. Please call me.”
Another.
“Asher. You need to come home. I—I can’t get ahold of your brother. I don’t know what’s going on, but I need you both home.”
My chest tightened.
Then there was one from my doctor.
“Asher, this is Dr. Azad. An opportunity has opened up for you, and I’d like to discuss it with you before we enroll you.
There are parameters you must be able to meet before we get started, and if you haven’t been taking the proper precautions, I worry you won’t qualify.
Either way, give me a shout at the office. I’ll be here all week.”
And then my mother again.
“Asher! We found your brother, but you need to get the fuck home. The family needs you here!”
I lowered the phone from my ear. Something catastrophic was happening. I didn’t know what, but I could feel it.
“Duke,” I said, my voice holding a bitter urgency. “I need to get home. Quick. Something’s wrong.”
He met my eyes in the rearview mirror, and nodded once. “Yes, sir.”
Duke launched the car forward, tires searing the pavement as he raced toward home.