Chapter Lennon
Lennon
Sessions had been going along smoothly. We were nearing the halfway point—at least, I thought we were.
I’d stop counting the days and began measuring time by the heaviness that was lightened from my shoulders.
I could almost reach out and touch the weight that was lifted off of me. It felt tangible.
I could see an end in sight.
I could also see myself smiling more. More happy. More easy days. More.
Asher and I were officially something—at least until our time was up.
An eerie thought crept in more often than I liked though. I wasn’t sure if I was feeling relieved over the end being near…or if I was terrified that the happiness blooming inside of me had Asher’s fingerprints all over it.
Could it be…him?
No. I refused to believe that.
The session was wrapping up when I scanned the room and found baby blues, full of angst, already locked on mine.
What the hell was he thinking about? It couldn’t have been anything wholesome.
It couldn’t be anything less than R-rated.
His eyelids lowered lazily, but there was nothing tired about the look he gave me.
It was eagerness. Impatience. Needing…me?
Dana was wrapping up the session when she cleared her throat. “Before we break, I want to remind everyone that I’ll be scheduling individual one-on-ones to discuss the group project, progress, and air any grievances we may have had along the way.”
Marco shifted in his chair and reached for the back of his neck. “So, do we got to like, uh, present our stuff…out loud for everyone or just chat with you?” His wariness was apparent for the room to see.
“We welcome all types of sharing in the room. However, there will be no presentation required. Just conversation. Remember, being honest with ourselves is more important than worrying about the logistics of how it comes out,” Dana said with an endearing smile.
I could hardly concentrate on her voice while Asher stared attentively at me, hardly blinking.
The chemistry between us felt like sparks snapping in the air, all-consuming yet invisible to the world around us.
Dana dismissed the group, and Asher shot up from his seat like he was waiting for permission to do so. He rushed over to me, but remained aware that my level of comfort with public displays of affection was a lot different than his. Still, his hands landed on my waist without hesitation.
“Staring at you for two hours is fucking torture when I can’t put my hands on you,” he confessed.
A smile betrayed my face before I could stop it. I’d never had someone obsess over me like this. And if I was being honest with myself, this felt like the only way anyone should exit this world— chosen and worshipped, with a man on their knees for them. This was a type of power I could get used to.
In another life.
He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “What’s swarming that pretty brain of yours, Lennon?”
I shook my head. “Nothing. Just…taking you all in. I’ve never had someone fawn over me, Asher. It feels like I stole someone else’s life and they’re going to come take it back any minute.”
“It’s all yours,” he said sweetly, ducking down to my eye level. “I’m all yours.”
My stomach fluttered.
“I have to call my sister, Mila,” he added. “I just need an update on my brother’s condition.”
Concern flickered across my brain. “What’s going on with your brother?”
He waved it off easily. Too easily. “Oh, just family stuff. He got hurt and I’ve been checking in on him every hour.”
A quiet chuckle left his lips, then he kissed my forehead and stepped away.
I chose to wait in the hallway to give him privacy.
I exited where everyone else had just piled out of already.
The corridor was strangely quiet. Hospitals never truly had moments of rest, so when I entered out into the loneliness, I embraced the peace.
Sunlight poured through the skylights, artificial hope for people drowning in the darkest times.
The sun outside was shining brightly, taunting me to enjoy it.
I tilted my head back allowing the warmth to touch my face, forgetting my surroundings.
What was I doing in this life?
I had a date pinned down. An ending. A final destination.
So why did part of me feel like I wanted it to…extend itself? Why did I feel like maybe, just maybe, things could work out?
“Why hello, Lennon!”
The voice startled me out of my spiral. I made eye contact with a small, middle-aged woman approaching with confident steps and a bright, deliberate smile, projecting that spirit onto those around her. She carried a beautiful way about her. She extended her hand for me to take.
Confusion ran rampant on my face, and she startled. “Oh goodness, where are my manners? I’m Dr. Graves. But please, call me Blythe. I’m the one responsible for the development of Group Therapy for Mental Health Outcomes. The developer, if you will.”
Then it clicked.
“Oh. Right.” Shaking my head, I stuck out my hand to meet hers. “You must’ve read my file then.”
She nodded. “Ms. Galloway has mentioned you are making great progress in the group, so I thought I’d pop by to check in on everyone else.”
Feeling unsure of what more to say to her, I settled on. “I’ve attended a few groups before. This one has probably been the most…impactful.”
The light that shone in her eyes was euphoria. She genuinely cared for this line of work, that much was evident. From what I overheard others whispering about, this was a passion project that took several years to get up off the ground running.
“Why thank you, Lennon. My son is in this group as well, and he seems to really enjoy it. He’s attended many others over the years. I was hoping to catch him regarding a pilot project. You haven’t happened to see him, have you?”
I started to shake my head, then it hit me. Lennon and Asher Graves. Asher Graves. Blythe Graves.
No. No. No.
My pulse spiked. Erratic.
His mother ran this program? I wondered if he targeted me. Targeted me while knowing my history. Knowing that I would be vulnerable. Rage lit up like I ignited its pilot light once again.
“Yeah,” I said slowly, “he’s in there on the phone with his sister.”
She smiled. “I hope he continues opening up about his illness. He told me he’s making great strides in the way he discusses the terminal aspect.”
It took everything in me not to address the fact that she said this was terminal.
Terminal. The word hit me like a sack of bricks.
I was aware that Asher was sick, but he never really spoke about it in group. In fact, he never talked about his condition at all.
“Yeah, he seemed to be making good progress, from what I can tell, anyway. He is always a happy guy. Is that what the pilot project is for? His illness?” I asked, attempting to pry.
“Oh yes,” she said enthusiastically. “If all goes according to plan, it could extend his life four more years. Maybe more. It would be so wonderful. He’s just been battling this for so long, and this was supposed to be his last year…”
Her voice stilled.
“And I’ve done everything in my power to make sure that doesn’t happen. It can’t happen…”
It took a moment, but Blythe realized she had overspoken and overstepped. The look of horror and regret was written all across her face.
“I apologize, I’m just a rambling mother, sometimes.” A short and forced chuckle escaped her mouth.
She attempted to wipe a tear away from her face that hadn’t left her duct yet. She reached out and placed a hand gently on my shoulder. “Excuse me, Lennon, I’d better catch up with him before he takes off. I haven’t the slightest clue where he’s been running off to lately. Must’ve met someone.”
She offered with a hopeful chuckle, but it was hollow. As if she couldn’t even believe the words.
I nodded, allowing her the out she needed.
There was a chair directly across from the room that called to me. I decided to take up space and sank into it. A million thoughts ran rampant.
Terminal illness.
Did he know about me beforehand?
Pilot project.
Could die?
This year?
He was supposed to die this year?
Asher couldn’t die.
And then—
Must’ve met someone…
For some reason, that thought brought me an overwhelming sense of calm that I never knew I could feel.
Was I his someone? I knew he’d asked me, and I knew I felt it, too.
But feelings could be deceiving. Feelings had a way of blowing smoke and doing sinister magic tricks.
I refused to fall flat to that. I didn’t want him to make a mockery out of me when my mind and heart were already waging wars inside.
A tear slid down my cheek. Shocked, I wiped it away quickly.
I couldn’t cry over him. No, I wouldn’t cry over any fucking man.
I wouldn’t cry over anyone hurting me. No matter the delivery of hurt, it all sat comparably in my mind.
No hurt was greater than the other anymore.
I had lived through it all. The torture that it gifted took so much energy from me.
I was grateful for the date. My final date kept me in check. It grounded me.
Until we rotted.
Asher came walking out of the room, spotting me instantly.
“Have you seen this girl?” he teased lightly. “She’s blonde. About your height. Always with the most perfect scowl resting on her face. Claims she’s not falling madly for me and maybe…I’m falling madly for her.”
Without melting from the cute sentiment, my hand reached out and slapped the side of his cheek so hard that my palm stung instantly. The sound echoed. It fucking hurt, so I knew he would have been stunned.
“What the fuck—” he said angrily.
I shoved his chest away as hard as I could muster. “You fucking told me you were fine! You told me you were going to be okay, and you fucking lied!”
Asher’s brows creased. “What are you talking about? What’s happening right now, Lennon?”
I pointed to the room as if that would give it away. “Your mother, who runs this fucking program, by the way, just told me that her son was supposed to die this year? That doesn’t sound fucking fine to me, now does it?”
His face went ghost white. “She—she said that?”
I scoffed. “Yes, she fucking did. Right as she was telling me about the pilot project or something that can prolong your life. Why did you lie? Did you know you were dying and knew I wanted to die, so you just wanted a fuck buddy for along the way?”
“No,” Asher said defensively. “Not even a little bit, Lennon. Why can’t you just believe me that I want you?”
“Because no one wants me!” I screamed.
The tear gates were unlocked, and I couldn’t stop them. I was crying. I was being vulnerable, and I hated it. Why was I doing this to myself? I didn’t want to let him in, but he just had a way of luring me in. Like he found a crack in the amour I have spent years building.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Asher reached out for me.
I flinched.
“What do you need right now?” he asked, steady, the calm in the storm. “I want you, and I know you want me, but you’re too stubborn to admit it. You don’t believe me right now, but one day I’ll change your mind. What do you need from me in the meantime?”
I shook my head, not knowing what the answer was.
He took that as an opening, slowly shrinking the space between us. When I didn’t move away, he hooked his fingers through my belt loops, pulling me close to him until his forehead was pressing against mine.
“What can I do, my beautiful little siren?” he whispered. “What can I do to make the pain go away right now?”
My breaths came jagged. Part of me wanted him. Part of me wanted to hurt him. Part of me didn’t care about the fight anymore.
“What I’m going to do,” he whispered softly, “is take you home, pick up some food for us and then I’m going to spend the night telling you everything you’ve ever wanted to know. No dodging. No bullshit.”
I nodded.
Maybe that was all I needed. Maybe I just needed my basic needs to be met with honesty from someone I was dying to trust.
He kissed my forehead, allowing his lips to imprint on my skin. Then his lips slid to my temple. Onto my cheek, and down to my jawline.
Asher moved his way to my ear to whisper, “Lennon, if I lived a hundred years, a hundred lifetimes, I would still search to find you in every miserable life that didn’t have you in it.
So, if there’s anything that you can take at face value, know that I am here because I so desperately choose to be. ”
“Okay,” I whispered, feeling the exhaustion overwhelm me.
“Okay,” he echoed.