Chapter Asher
Asher
On my way to Lennon’s apartment, I had been looking forward to telling her everything this past week has brought. For once, it felt like some things were just falling into place instead of collapsing around me.
My brother had been released from the hospital. My mother advocated relentlessly on his behalf regarding the surgery and even managed to secure his job back. Although modified, it was something. He’d have benefits again. Stability. A fresh starting point.
The only thing twisting me in knots was the pilot project.
When I’d told Lennon everything last week, I hadn’t known some of the details—what the treatment would entail or the type of side effects I would have from it.
That was a huge determining factor for me.
If the side effects were so brutal that the quality of my livelihood plummeted, why would I waste my time?
Surviving wasn’t the same as really living.
Running up the stairs of her apartment, I felt excited to share the news. I waltzed up to her door, knocking three times before the most perfect woman answered the door.
She looked like a breath of fresh air, the kind you inhaled so deeply it was never quite enough. In front of me were jean shorts that were ripped, whitewashed, and probably a size too big with an oversized shirt falling off one of her shoulders. I was a puddle.
“Hey there, rich boy.” She smirked, stepping aside to let me in.
“Did you want to take Nova for a walk? I got some news this week that I wanted to share with you, you know, between family and treatment and whatnot,” I said, rambling on.
She adjusted her messy bun, somehow making it even more chaotic. “Yeah, why not? I’ll just grab a sweater and some socks.”
Lennon turned to vanish toward her bedroom, but suddenly spun back around and launched herself into my arms, surprising me. Her lips crashed against mine with longing and passion. She kissed me like she had been waiting to do that for years.
When she pulled away, I searched deep into her eyes, and saw nothing but happiness.
She looked happy. And fuck, I loved that look on her.
“Hi, little siren,” I whispered against her lips while she clung onto my neck.
A huge devious grin spread across her face. “Should I carry you to the bedroom now?” I teased.
She giggled. “No. Let’s go for a walk now. That way I can enjoy you later without feeling like we wasted away in bed.”
I pulled her closer. “I’d happily waste away in bed with you any day.”
She giggled and slipped out of my hold, ultimately vanishing down the hall.
I could hear her ripping out her drawers, trying to figure out which sweater she wanted to wear. For someone who didn’t give a shit, she sometimes really did give a shit in some areas.
I leaned against the wall while I waited for my girl. Nova wagged her tail, excited for the pending adventure. I bent down to scratch behind her ears just as my shoulder brushed against a paper that drifted to the floor.
I continued to scratch behind her ear, reaching for the paper absentmindedly to return it back on the counter.
A line caught my eye.
Death Date: October 16, 2025
The words squeezed all of the air out of the room and away from my lungs.
This couldn’t be real. This had to be some kind of mistake. That was so fucking close. Way too close.
Why the fuck did she have this date?
No. No. No. I wasn’t ready to lose her.
How could she keep this from me? I had confessed my entire world to her. I told her everything I knew, everything I had in me to give her. And she just kept something like this from me?
My chest tightened. Heat flooded my skin. Sweat slid down my spine. Breathing was hard, the motion of exhaling and inhaling difficult—as if my breaths just couldn’t get deep enough.
How could she do this to me?
I knew she would eventually want this, but the date was almost right after the group sessions were complete. I wouldn’t have any time with her. The only thing holding us together was this stupid fucking bucket list.
Lennon emerged from her room somehow even more beautiful than she had been two minutes ago. But I couldn’t hide my emotions that were written all over my face. It was despair laced with anger. Everything was bubbling up. It crept to the surface waiting to erupt.
“How could you?” I whispered, unable to hide the sadness in my voice.
Uncertain, she treaded lightly. “What…what do you mean?”
I slumped my head, knowing she knew what I meant.
“Were you going to tell me your death date was in six weeks?”
She froze. The moment I had said it out loud, she knew she had been caught. She also knew this conversation wasn’t going to just go away.
She knew she would have to address it.
She looked ashamed. “Yes, I have my date set.”
She couldn’t even look me in the eye. Her arms engulfed her body in them.
“Why are you even mad?” she questioned.
A hollow scoff came out. “You’re unbelievable, Lennon.
I told you everything last week. Everything!
I shared things that I’d rather not have shared.
You think I like saying out loud that I could die any fucking moment?
That I’m terrified? You think I love telling you about my fears when those same fears are your dreams? ”
My voice cracked.
“You might want to die,” I continued sombrely, “but babe, I fucking don’t. I always wanted to live, but now that I’ve met you? Goddamn, I want to live even harder than I ever have before. Don’t you feel that way, too?”
Lennon opened her mouth to speak, but stopped. Then she went to speak again, her words meek. “I do. I do feel that way toward you Asher. But—but it’s not going to last. You know that.”
I threw my hands up in the air. “Why? Because I’m dying?”
She screwed her eyebrows in a scowl and then let loose.
“No, you fucking idiot! Because life is shit. People are shit. We’re only going to hurt one another eventually, and why would I stick around to find out how shitty it’s going to get?
You may not hurt me now, or tomorrow, or a month from now, but eventually you will.
Eventually you’ll grow tired of my bullshit, and you’ll fuck someone else, or hit me, or both, who fucking knows. But you will.”
There was a silence that filled the space between us, a painful tension. The accusation of what she had just said collided with me.
“How could you think that about me?”
“I think it about myself too, Asher,” she said in response. “It’s just who I am. I know if it isn’t you who hurts me, it’ll be me hurting you. Wouldn’t you want to leave this fairytale at its best part?”
She stopped because she meant it. That was the worst part.
“You knew that this day would come, right?” Her voice was now soft. “You knew this was the plan all along.”
I dropped my head once more.
“I know,” I choked out. “But I thought you’d—”
I couldn’t even finish my sentence.
“Change my mind?”
I nodded.
She shook her head slowly. “No, Asher. I’ve wanted this so badly, so much more than you could even imagine. The thought of exiting stage right brings me so much peace. Real peace. Peace I have never felt in all my life. It is all I’ve needed, and I finally have that option.”
“I just don’t want you to go,” I said, letting out a subtle sob, unable to keep it in any longer.
A tear fell down her face.
“I know. I know.”
An overwhelming feeling took over me. An internal shift.
My heart pounded violently. My mind went goggly while my vision blurred. My fingertips went numb from the cold.
“I have to leave,” I said in a rush.
“Where are you going? What about the walk?” she asked, almost desperate for me to change my mind.
I shook my head, feeling the urgent panic settling into my bones.
“I need some space. I need some air. I’ll be back. I just—I need to go.”
Before she could beg me to stay, not that she actually would, I took off, closing the door behind me. I rushed down the stairs toward the exit. My heart was erratic, thumping in my chest with a veracity that felt uncomfortable.
I was going to pass out.
At the bottom of the stairwell, I fumbled for my phone and called Duke. He would know where to find me, what to do if anything happened.
A chair was positioned next to the door. I urged my body to slump into the seat immediately. I barely could remember positioning myself in it.
“Duke,” I wheezed.
“You still at Lennon’s?” he asked.
I nodded, as if he could hear it through the phone. “I think…I need…to go…” My vision fading, filled with white noise. The ringing in my ear distracted me from finishing my sentence.
“I can’t live without her…” I managed.
“I’m on my way, sir.”
Then everything went dark.