Fragments

Chapter Lennon

Lennon

He wanted to take me out on a date. On a fucking date. Tonight.

The night was already here.

He had been gone all day, at home with family stuff, and something in my bones felt off. I felt off. Like I couldn’t wait any fucking longer.

The urge was strong. A piece of my heart had already been carved out for this, and it felt like it was finally time rather than continuing this facade where I pretended I actually had a happy life.

I didn’t. I never did.

It was only a matter of time before Asher gave up on the bucket list for good and my “reconsideration” of life itself wouldn’t be real enough. I might have considered it, but it was the same hollow consideration I had always given.

This needed to be my end.

Today would be my end.

I had to do it. I needed to.

My phone buzzed on my nightstand. I had spent the day in bed re-evaluating my life’s existence and what I was actually doing to Asher, and the weight of it pressed heavy on my brain. I didn’t even look at the screen.

Then it began to ring.

Reaching for the annoyance, I flipped it over.

Asher’s name lit up in big, bright letters.

He was calling and after checking the time, I realized he was likely calling to remind me that Duke was on his way.

I declined the call and chose text instead. I couldn’t hear how excited he was. I couldn’t share how emotionally distraught I was.

Lennon: Yeah, yeah. I’ll be waiting for Duke.

Asher: Bet you look delicious.

I threw the phone across the room, shattering it to pieces on impact.

“Fuck!”

What was wrong with me?

He could choose anyone—fucking anyone—and he was wasting his time on me. It was disgusting. It was cruel. I had just allowed this to go on, knowing full well he wouldn’t accept that I still wanted to end my life.

I tossed the covers off and dropped to my hands and knees, searching the floor. I was determining if my phone was recoverable.

It was not.

This was probably for the best. Rachel couldn’t reach me. Nor could Asher. And by then, it would be too late—for them, anyway.

A horn honked outside. I got up from the ground, catching sight of Duke waiting below.

I breathed in deeply, accepting that I would either have to blow him off or make him wait.

If I made him wait too long, he’d come upstairs and knock.

I didn’t want that. I would have to go downstairs and tell him I wasn’t showing.

I hung my head, making my way down the hall toward my front door. I was the replica of a street rat—oversized dirty hoodie, black sweatpants with frayed cuffs.

Completing the walk of shame, I finally reached his vehicle.

“Ms. Becker, we’re cutting it close unless you plan on attending dinner in your current attire,” Duke said a slight grin that reminded me he was capable of jokes.

But today wasn’t a joking day.

Unfortunately, today was peace.

I offered an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry, Duke. I have to cancel. I’m just not feeling well. I tried explaining to Asher, but he insisted that I come, anyway. I’ve been throwing up and just not in the right mindset for dinner, you know?”

Duke nodded, not buying my lies, but unable to question it.

“Okay, Ms. Becker. I’ll let Asher know—”

“No. Don’t. He refused to accept my cancellation. I’m going to bed now. I’ll just message him in the morning, okay?” I said, trying to play it cool, knowing that Asher was likely going to show up at my door unannounced.

Duke was skeptical. I saw it written across his face. He knew I was being dishonest.

“If there’s anything you need, medicine, food, a ride to the hospital, you name it. I’ll come fetch you, too. You’re important to Mr. Graves.”

A tear threatened to make an appearance. I nodded and turned away quickly.

The moment the door clicked behind me, I ran up the flight of stairs taking two at a time, running until I reached my door. I closed it. Safely inside. As I slid to the ground, perched up against the door, a cautious head peeked out from around the couch at me.

“Hi, baby Nova,” I cooed.

Tears fell freely down my face. It was time now, but seeing Nova made it that much more difficult.

She’d been a shy dog, but always cuddled when she sensed sadness. She’d had a short life of tragedy, too. But Asher would care for her. He was good. He wouldn’t let her go back to the shelter.

I petted her as I stood up, making my way toward the bathroom. In the event of an emergency, I kept a stash of narcotics in the back of the toilet, enough to take down an elephant.

Collected over time. Some were likely dull, but some were fresh.

I would take them all. Just in case.

Just to be sure. I didn’t want any takebacks.

I grabbed my stash and headed to the bedroom.

I wanted to go in peace. I felt peace deep within, like I was coming home.

But oddly beneath that, I also felt rushed.

Like at any minute someone would catch me or the universe would strike me down for my attempt and banish me to some bunker where I wouldn’t be able to make this attempt ever again.

In my bedroom, I curled up underneath the covers. I reached for the glass of water on the stand. Asher would be coming soon or as early as tomorrow. Someone would find me and they’d take Nova. She would be okay. She had to be okay.

Fuck, I didn’t want Asher to find me. It would be him, though. I knew it would be him.

I closed my eyes, pushing myself to stop being selfish. I needed to let him go. I needed to let Nova go. I needed to stop gripping onto this life as if I had something to hold onto.

I took a handful of the pills, tossed them in my mouth, and gulped back a slug of water. I grabbed another handful of pills and slammed the rest back with more water.

Whatever was in me now, there was no going back. I banked on it being enough.

What if I was just drowsy, and it didn’t work?

What if I paralyzed myself for the rest of my days?

What if it wasn’t enough?

What ifs ran rampant in my mind until moments passed and I felt—light. My brain kicked out any unwanted thoughts, allowing me to feel like I was floating.

I was floating, I think.

My body was weightlessly airborne now.

I placed my hand over my stomach, the fabric of the hoodie feeling like butter. It was difficult to keep my eyes open now. I attempted to reach for the glass of water that sat on my nightstand with a very urgent need to consume something liquid.

I couldn’t make contact. I shifted my body on its side to reach even further which sent me into a nauseated state. The room spun violently. What was that screeching?

I made one more attempt to open my eyes, and found Nova standing over top of me whining.

My eyes were so heavy I couldn’t bear to keep them open any longer. I tried to reach with my other hand to Nova so I could pet her softly. An attempt to ease her. It was no use, I couldn’t lift my arms. A crash by the side of the bed startled me.

Probably the glass I wanted.

Fuck. I needed—

I wanted—

Another crash came from the living room.

All I could see was white noise.

I was underwater, everything bevelled and out of range, sound distorted.

Voices, maybe? Someone was yelling at me…I think. Was someone here?

No. No. No. No. No. No.

I didn’t want to be saved. I couldn’t be saved. Please let this all be a dream.

Nova must have been stepping on my cheeks because I felt a pressure on top of me, squeezing my mouth together. Before I could push her off of me, something plunged into my mouth at the back of my throat.

I choked, coughing at the intrusion. Once again, something was shoved into my mouth, pressing at the back of my throat.

Tears fell.

I was choking.

Who was taking advantage of me? Why would they do this to me? I couldn’t go out this way.

Everything riled in my stomach, turning and bubbling within. It all forced its way up and out of my body onto the floor. I couldn’t stop. My body convulsed. Everything inside me was coming out.

“Shhh, shhh, babe. It’s okay. I’m here. I’m here for you,” the voice of an angel whispered calmly.

“It wasn’t supposed to be this way,” I mumbled, unsure if my sentence even came out right.

* * *

When I woke, I was somewhere unfamiliar. I was connected to IV drips, heart rate monitors, and my most hated—restraints. Sitting in the chair next to my bed was Asher.

He was asleep. I didn’t want to startle him awake. Instead, I laid there, feeling sorry for myself.

I hadn’t completed my task, nor was I happy at the results of where it landed me.

I was in the hospital, likely on a Form 1, keeping me in here for a seventy-two-hour hold.

Rachel would find out. She would be so fucking disappointed in me, and I don’t even want to begin to think about what this meant for me in the program involvement.

Would I still be eligible?

“You’re awake,” he said softly.

I was startled out of my hazy thoughts. I nodded. Everything was sore. My body ached, and I was miserable.

“Lennon—”

“No. Let me speak first, Asher—” I tried to cut in, but he startled me by cutting me off in return.

“No. Listen, Lennon, it’s my turn.”

I silently awaited what he had to say because he looked every bit hurt and angry all wrapped into one neat package.

“I love you, Lennon.”

My world tilted off course, the speed in which I processed the living around me slowed, and my brain short circuited.

What? What did he mean he loved me? I couldn’t be loved. I was unlovable on a good day. Let alone in this scenario.

But then I thought about it. All the times he sat by my side when anger pooled out of every orifice.

All the times in which he spoke so sweetly on the days I couldn’t even muster up the courage to be kind.

Asher was the light in all things dark. The contrast of living versus the dead.

Maybe, in some sick way, he could love what I brought to the table.

But what I brought wasn’t much. In fact, he probably had to contribute far more than I could possibly offer.

“Asher, can I say something? But you have to let me finish?” I requested softly. “It isn’t going to be easy for me to say out loud, and it might take me a second.”

He nodded, allowing me the space to say what I needed to, and I knew he would.

“My dad…he loved my mother. Adored her, worshipped her…cherished the ground she walked on. He loved her, beyond anything else in this world, that was the one thing I knew to be true. But, she didn’t love him in return. Not that she was terrible to him or anything like that, but—”

I stopped, remembering the way she looked at him. I was young, but even then, the dead look in her eyes told me everything.

I squeezed my eyes shut and swallowed. “But, she didn’t love him in return. I could see it. I knew, I knew she didn’t. She liked having him because it was convenient. He took care of her, gave her money, bought her fancy things, provided her with a roof over her head, a car, whatever she wanted.”

Asher looked like he was dying to interject, but he still provided me the space to say what I needed to.

“But I’m not her.”

He looked into my eyes, a shift in what he wanted to say gleaming in them. He was proud to know that I wasn’t about to compare myself to the worst person I knew, yet shared DNA with.

“I know I love you, Asher,” I whispered, barely audible. A tear escaped my tear ducts before I could sweep it away.

“I know I love you because every decision I make, I think about you. I think about how it could impact you. If I go to therapy, don’t go to therapy. If I eat or don’t eat. If I use drugs or don’t use drugs…but the problem is, I still want to die more.”

Asher shook his head, devastated at my realization. “Babe, it will get better. Life will get better. Death was on your plan, but we took a detour…”

I was sobbing now.

“Asher, all I bring is pain. I am pain. I live painful memories. I feed off of those around me, and bring misery to the table. I am nothing, and you? You’re golden sunshine on a rainy day.

You’re the ice pack on the burnt skin. Everything that you are, you have to work double just to bring me up to speed with you.

How fair is that? I’ve been telling you for weeks now, I’m no good.

I’m rotten, and I’m like the bad apple sitting next to you in the fruit bowl.

You won’t make me better, I’ll just poison you, too. ”

Asher refused to accept my pleas. “Lennon, I don’t even know a life without you anymore. I don’t know what kind of timeline I have on this Earth, but I want it with you. I know that’s selfish, and it’s not what you had in mind, but I don’t care. I want you, Lennon. I thought we said…until we rot?”

“I love you Asher, but I love the thought of death so much more,” I said with finality.

It was selfish of me, and painful to spout the words, but it was my truth.

Asher stood up abruptly. “Okay, then.”

Panic surged.

“W-What do you mean, okay then?”

“I mean, okay then. You’ve made your decision. I fucking hate it, but it’s not mine to make.”

He moved toward the doorway to leave me. The thought of him leaving sent me into a spiral.

“Asher, wait,” I called out.

He turned.

“Do you want to stay with me?” he asked with only sadness in his heart. The question was earnest with no judgment.

I almost lied, but thought better of it.

“I do…until I go,” I offered.

He closed his eyes briefly.

“That’s what I thought, little siren. I have to steer away before your song kills me, too.”

Just like that, he vanished out into the hospital hallway. The nurse closed the door behind him, eyeing me to ensure I stayed put in my bed.

And I was alone.