Chapter Five
Paisley
“OKAY, YEAH, I’M AT Pete’s now,” I tell Felix, balancing the phone between my shoulder and cheek to give myself a free hand to open the door, several bags from the farmers market taking up my other hand.
“Tell him he better have put extra sausage on there for me.” I can hear the smile in his voice, almost as if I were looking right at him.
“You’ve been getting the same order since you were a kid. I doubt he’s forgotten.” I chuckle, stepping inside the small pizzeria that sits on the main strip of town.
They set the farmers market up every weekend in the square, and when Felix learned I was going to stop and pick up some fresh fruits and veggies, I already knew he was going to ask me to pick up a pizza for dinner before he even said the words.
Though, I probably should have taken all these bags to my car first, but since I had to park a block away, I thought I’d save some time. At least this time, I had the forethought to call in the order before showing up, unlike last time, when I had to wait almost an hour because they were so busy. Considering they’re only one of two pizza places in town, and the other place isn’t that great, they are always slammed, especially on the weekends.
“I’ll be home soon.”
“Okay, be safe. I love you.”
“I love you, too.” I pull the phone away from my ear, shoving the device into the crossbody bag slung across my chest as I move toward the counter, only half paying attention. “Shit, sor—” I start, nearly running straight into the couple in front of me as they collect their own pizza and turn to leave, the words dying on my tongue when my eyes meet an all too familiar gaze staring back at me. Even after all these years, I still remember every speck of color variation in his eyes, having spent most of my life staring into them.
Nash.
Suddenly, it feels like the floor has opened up beneath my feet and I’m free-falling into the abyss. I reach out, trying to grab onto something to slow my descent, but I find nothing but air.
“Hi, P.” His deep voice washes over me, only serving to further disorient me.
Pulling in a deep breath in an attempt to find solid ground again, I glance to the left to see the woman he’s with, not at all expecting to see yet another familiar face staring back at me.
Iris.
My stomach coils painfully, filling with so many emotions I can’t grab onto a single one but shock.
“Paisley, oh my gosh.” Iris moves in, not missing a beat, offering me a brief one-armed hug that I do not return, for no other reason than I feel completely paralyzed by the moment. “I haven’t seen you since my father’s...” Her expression dims.
“Yeah, I...” I find it difficult to speak, mainly because stark blue eyes burn holes into the side of my face. “How are you? How’s your mom?”
“I’m good. My mom is hanging in there. Getting better every day.”
“I’m glad.” Awkward doesn’t even begin to cover the complexity of this moment. “Well, I should...” I point to the counter.
“Yeah, us too.” Nash draws my attention back to him. “You ready, Iris?” He glances at my friend—I mean, I think we’re still friends—who smiles and nods.
“Yeah, we should go. It was great seeing you, Paisley.”
“Yeah, you too,” I lie straight through my teeth, thinking the bitch is lucky I don’t have a sharp object on me because if I did, I would probably stab her with it.
Surprised by the direction of my own thoughts, I quickly sidestep the pair, purposely avoiding looking at Nash as I do.
It’s bad enough that he’s back, but that he’s hanging out with Iris, of all people, feels almost like a betrayal. And I realize how hypocritical that sounds, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like I’ve been sucker punched right in the gut. It’s only five short steps to the counter, and yet each one feels so heavy, it’s like I’m dragging cinder blocks behind me.
“Hey, P.”
I tell myself not to turn back, not to give Nash a second more of my time, but that’s the exact opposite of what I do.
“Can we maybe talk sometime?” he asks, holding my gaze intently.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I curse the slight shake to my voice.
“Because your fiancé wouldn’t like it?” He tries to hide his sneer but fails miserably.
“Because there’s nothing left to say.”
“I disagree.” He swipes at his hair, a nervous tell of his.
I muster every ounce of willpower I have not to let knowing this disarm me.
“Let’s not further complicate this, okay? Now, if you don’t mind.” I turn back around, honestly not sure how my legs are still supporting my weight at this point.
I hold my breath as I wait for the door to chime, signaling their exit; only when the sound finally reaches my ears, it’s not relief I feel, but something much more complicated. I don’t turn to watch them leave, no matter how desperately I want to.
It isn’t until they’re gone that everything seems to fully sink in.
What. The. Actual. Hell.
What. The. Actual. Freaking. Hell.
I’m still shaking a few moments later as I exit the restaurant, a large pizza wedged precariously between my hip and my arm.
I silently curse myself the entire walk back to my car, wishing I would have responded better, wishing I were a better actress. Wishing I could act like I wasn’t the least bit affected to see him. Only I was affected... Hell, I’m so affected that I replay the interaction a hundred times over in my head on the drive home.
Because yes, while I’m angry at Nash for so many reasons I could burst, it doesn’t mask the other things I also feel. Things I shouldn’t feel. Things I wish I could purge from my body and never feel again. But when you love someone the way I loved Nash, those things are not so easy to part with.
The way you love Nash , my inner voice corrects. And as badly as I want to disagree with her, I know I can’t. Because it’s true. Of course it is. You don’t just stop loving someone because they hurt you. Yeah, maybe you find a way to move past it. Maybe you even learn to forgive them and let go of the burden of their choices. But I think if you truly love someone, you’ll love them for your whole life. At least, that’s how it feels for me. Like I’ll love Nash forever. But loving Nash and wanting to be with him are two very different things.
Felix... That’s where my future lies. Not with the man who broke me, but with the man who put me back together. With the man who smiles at me like I’m the sun his entire world rotates around. The man who didn’t steal my heart the way Nash did, but who earned it by loving me, even at my lowest.
That is why I agreed to marry him.
Because, unlike Nash, Felix has proven that he deserves me. And no matter what feelings Nash’s return has stirred up, I refuse to let him take that away from me.
He made his choice four years ago.
And now I have made mine.
“HEY, YOU GOT A MINUTE ?” I rap my knuckles on my sister’s open door, peering into her bedroom to see her sprawled out on top of her bed, her face stuck in her phone as per usual.
“Why are you here?” She seems less than pleased to see me—again, as per usual.
“Um, I live here,” I state the obvious.
I know what you’re thinking—twenty-two and I still live at home; how pathetic. But to be fair, I had always planned to live with my parents until I graduated college. And while yes, I got my associate degree a year ago, by that point Felix and I were together, and, I don’t know, I just figured at some point he’d ask me to move in, which he did do, several times. But as we’ve already covered, my father was having none of that.
“Not really. You’re like never here.” Celine pulls me back from my thoughts.
“Well, all my stuff is still here, so...”
“What do you want?” She tosses her phone onto the bed next to her, her way of saying let’s get this over with.
“I wanted to talk to you about the wedding.” I hesitantly approach, making sure she’s not going to object as I slowly turn the chair in front of her desk around to face her before lowering myself onto it.
“What about it? It’s still like three months away, right? You guys didn’t decide to elope or something, did you?” She seems almost panicked by the mere thought.
Poor girl. I genuinely feel bad for her—pining after a man who’s about to marry her big sister. It makes a little more sense now, knowing that Felix obliged when she asked him to be her first kiss, which still kinda makes me sick to my stomach, if I’m being honest, but at some point, she’s going to have to let that go.
Then again, I’m not really one to judge, given that I spent almost a freaking year barely able to function as a person when Nash left. That was a little different, though. Nash and I shared way more than just a kiss. Hell, for twelve years, we shared everything—and I do mean everything . Every first you can have, Nash and I had together. It took me a long time to learn who I was without him and even now, there are still days I walk around feeling only half of myself.
“No, nothing like that.”
“Did you call it off? I mean, Nash is back after all. It would only make sense. You’ll never be able to love Felix the way you love Nash.”
“No, we didn’t call it off, I say, growing increasingly more annoyed by the second. “I actually wanted to ask you a question.” I hesitate, having a slight change of heart now that I’m sitting here. “Will you be my maid of honor?” I ask anyway. I mean, she is my sister after all. My only sister at that.
“Seriously?” She looks at me like I’ve just sprouted a second head.
“Seriously.”
“Why me?”
“Why not you?”
“Um, have you forgotten that we aren’t exactly what you would call close? I’m pretty sure you hate me.”
More like you hate me, I think but don’t say.
“I do not hate you. Why would you even say such a thing?” I don’t wait for her to answer that question. “You are my sister, Celine, and I love you. Nothing would make me happier than if you would agree to stand next to me on my wedding day.”
Her features soften and she considers me for a long moment.
“I mean, if you really want me to.” She blows out a puff of air. “But don’t you dare think I’m wearing some atrocious dress to make you look better.”
“I wouldn’t dream of it. In fact, you can pick the dress yourself.”
“I can?” She perks up at this.
“Considering you’re the only bridesmaid, I don’t see why not.”
“Why aren’t you having any of your friends in the wedding?” She hitches a brow at me.
“You know we’re keeping it small. Besides, I’m not really that close with any of my friends anymore.” My mind drifts back to yesterday’s interaction with Iris, my stomach coiling slightly. “At least not close enough that I want them in my wedding.”
Truth be told, after Nash left, I didn’t care about anything, including my friends, and as such, I lost a lot of them along the way. I’m not proud of this fact, but there’s nothing I can do to change it now.
“That’s sad.” She snorts, almost like she finds it funny. “What about friends from work?”
I shake my head softly. Don’t get me wrong, I love the people I work with. Some of them I’ve been working with since I was sixteen when I first started volunteering at the vet clinic. Dr. Sampson was the one who inspired me to go to school to become a vet technician in the first place, though it took me longer than I would have liked to complete my degree, but we’re not going to talk about that. But even given all that, there’s not a single person I work with that I feel close enough to have in my wedding.
“They’re all invited, of course.”
“So basically, I’m all you’ve got.”
“Even if you weren’t, I’d still want it to be you.”
“Liar.”
“I’m not lying. You’re my sister and I love you.”
“Yeah, yeah. Are we done now?”
“We can set a date to go dress shopping for your dress in the next few weeks, if that works for you.”
“As long as the parentals are paying.”
“You already know they are.” I give her a pointed look.
Because again, I have an old-school father, and with that comes the refusal to let me pay for anything. Even though I have insisted several times that Felix and I can handle the cost, he won’t hear a word of it. In his eyes, it is a duty, and a privilege, for the father of the bride to pay for the wedding. Though if we were having something large and extravagant, I doubt he’d be so resolute on the matter.
“Just let me know when.”
Celine picks her phone back up and resumes whatever she was doing before I walked in.
“I’ll talk to Mom and we can figure out a day that works for everyone.” I push to a stand. “Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me yet.” She peers at me over the top of her phone. “You might just regret asking me when I show you up at your own wedding.” She’s serious when she says it too.
I don’t give her the satisfaction of a response as I roll my eyes and quickly exit her room, making my way toward mine, which sits at the opposite end of the hallway.
Closing my door, I jump slightly when I hear something hit my window from the outside, growing weirdly nervous when I hear it again.
He wouldn’t...
I shake my head, my heart ramrodding against my ribcage as I draw closer to the window, trying to stay out of view as I peer down at the ground below.
Nothing.
“Now you’re imagining things,” I mutter to myself with another shake of my head, moving to take a step back.
But then it happens again. Only this time, I see it as well as hear it. A tiny pebble. It ricochets off the glass with a ping that I’m honestly surprised doesn’t crack it. Tilting forward even farther, I damn near topple over at the sight of Nash as he steps out from behind the large tree in our side yard, making a motion with his hands I understand all too well, considering I’ve seen him do it hundreds of times over the years. He wants me to open the window.
He repeats the motion again when I still haven’t moved, not entirely convinced I’m not hallucinating if we’re being real right now.
But as I stare down at him, the boy I loved turned into a man I no longer know, I’m struck by how familiar it feels to be here, looking out the window at him like all the times before. Only this is nothing like it was back then—I have to remind myself.
When he leans down and picks up another pebble, I quickly move to open the window for no other reason than I’m concerned he might actually break the glass this time.
“What are you doing?” I hiss, careful to keep my voice low.
“Come down,” he half whisper, half shouts. The familiarity of this situation is unnerving.
“Go away, Nash. You’re not welcome here.”
“Should I knock on the door instead? See if that’s really the case.” He tries to call me on my bluff.
While it’s true my parents were upset with the way he left and how utterly devastated I was by it, they’ve never stopped caring about him. It would be almost the same as if I abruptly left. Even if a decade had passed, they would still welcome me back with open arms. I have no doubt that for him, they would do the same. He was almost as much their child as I am.
I used to love that fact. Now, I hate it. I hate it so much that it’s made me almost resentful of my parents—my mom specifically. Like why can’t she despise him as much as I do? He deserves it.
So why does everyone still love him so damn much after what he did?
Why do I?
The thought is enough to make me want to hurl myself out of this window, not because I want to die—the fall wouldn’t kill me anyway—but so that the physical pain could overshadow the emotional pain, even if just for a brief moment.
“That’s what I thought.” He gives me a smug smile.
Luckily for me, my parents aren’t home right now, so this is a non-issue anyway. He can be as smug as he wants. I’m not going out, and he sure as hell isn’t coming in.
“ I don’t want you here.” I make myself more clear.
“Just come down, P. We need to talk.”
“The time for talking was four years ago. Please leave.”
“I’m not leaving until we have a chance to speak. Stop acting like a child and come down.”
“A child?” I bark. “You left for four fucking years.” He grimaces at my language. He’s not used to hearing my curse. For some reason, this gives me a sliver of satisfaction, so I do it again. “If anyone is the fucking child here, it’s you!”
“P...”
“Don’t call me that. My name is Paisley!”
“Please, Paisley .” He accentuates my name. “I’m only asking for five minutes of your time. If, after those five minutes, you don’t ever want to see me again, then you won’t. You have my word on that.”
“You gave me your word before, and then you broke it.” I try to keep my tone even so as to not let him see how badly this truth still stings.
“If you will give me a chance to explain...”
“Why should I?” I cut him off. “You don’t deserve it.”
“You’re right, I don’t. But I think I can make you understand.”
“Understand how you just abandoned me as if I meant nothing!” My voice shoots up an octave, my emotion boiling to the surface no matter how forcefully I try to keep it at bay. I press my palms to the windowsill in an effort to steady myself. “I don’t care what you say. There is no excuse or explanation that you could give me that would make this okay.”
“Maybe not. But after all this time, I feel the least I can do is give you the truth. Isn’t that what you want? To know why I left. To know how there hasn’t been a day since then that I haven’t thought about you. That I haven’t fallen asleep wishing I could be with you. That I haven’t woken up with a knife in my fucking chest knowing that you were better off without me.”
His words hit me like an ocean wave, pulling me out into the current. I struggle to fight against it, but the ocean is powerful. Too powerful for any one soul to fight alone. And yet somehow, by the grace of God, I am able to keep myself afloat.
“Five minutes, Paisley.” He’s careful to use my full name, even though it sounds foreign on his tongue. I can’t remember a time he ever actually called me that. I’ve always just been P. And I used to love that he called me that. “You need to know the truth before you marry him.”
“So that’s why you’re here. It has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Felix.”
“Fuck Felix.”
“No, fuck you. Felix is the only reason I’m still standing here.”
I can tell my words have an impact, despite how hard he tries to mask it. If he were anyone else, maybe I wouldn’t see it, but with Nash, I know his tells almost better than I know my own.
“You don’t know him like you think you do.”
“You don’t know him at all. Not anymore. You can’t come back here after four years and expect that we’re all just the same people we were when you left. We aren’t.”
“So he hasn’t told you anything.” He shakes his head, both a realization and a statement like he already knew something and I’ve just confirmed it.
“What are you talking about? Felix and I don’t keep things from each other.”
“If only you knew just how wrong you are about that.”
“Leave, Nash. Or I’ll call the police.” I move to close the window, but his next words stop me dead in my tracks.
“I called him. Every month for the last three years, I have called him to check up on you.”
My chest grows so tight, I struggle to pull in a breath, my muscles constricting in a way that makes me feel like I’m suddenly supporting a crushing weight that I’m not sure my body can hold up.
“You... you called?” The ground beneath my feet feels unstable.
He nods.
“Please come down. You really need to hear what I have to say.”
I consider this for a long moment.
I know I shouldn’t.
I should close this window and call Felix. He should be the one to give me the truth. But if what Nash is saying actually happened, maybe I can’t rely on Felix to give me the whole truth.
“I need a few minutes,” I tell Nash. “I’ll meet you at the rocks. You remember where?”
“Like I could ever forget.” A trace of a smile graces his full lips.
“I’ll see you there.” Without waiting for him to respond, I close the window, my mind moving a million miles a second.
If I do this, if I hear what he has to say, it could change everything. And after years of going to sleep wishing I wouldn’t wake up in the morning, I’m finally happy again. Do I really want to risk everything on someone who’s already wrecked me once? Is the truth really worth it?
It’s a stupid question really. Of course it is.
The truth is what’s real. And if Felix and I have any shot at the future we’re trying to plan, I have to know everything. Even if I have to face Nash Ketter to get it.