Chapter Twenty-Two
Texting Rafe last night to see if he could stop by his house for a visit on a quiet Sunday morning had taken all the courage Franco could muster. He almost wished Rafe had been busy or on duty, but he’d called back this morning telling him to come over anytime.
To hit his big brother with an announcement like this out of the blue made Franco’s stomach churn. He hadn’t been able to eat breakfast before leaving Denver. Rico and Gina had left for Aspen Corners yesterday, but Franco had stayed in Denver Saturday to work the ongoing arson investigation.
At least he could look forward to spending time with Rico—alone—after he left Rafe’s. Gina would be with Mama and Paul until they returned her to Rico’s for the drive back to Denver tonight.
Driving his own vehicle made it less likely that Gina would ask about his toy bag, although she’d have been more interested in the shopping bags from the Western store. Gina noticed everything new and this would be no exception.
But first he had to deal with Rafe. His heart pounded as he walked up the sidewalk to his childhood home, putting Franco back into the headspace of a confused teenager who didn’t feel that he fit in. Okay, he’d never felt his family rejected him or anything, but maybe that was because he’d put up a good front at being like them?
The wintry breeze chilled the sweat on the back of his neck, and Franco shuddered. Today, he’d find out how his big brother felt about Franco’s biggest secret. Normally, he’d just walk in—Rafe never locked the door except at night or when he was away—but Franco knocked anyway. The door opened a few moments later.
“Why are you knocking? Get in here. It’s cold.”
Franco didn’t say anything as he entered the house.
“Can I get you a beer?” Rafe asked.
“Isn’t it a little early for that?” Franco countered.
“On a Sunday morning after one of the roughest fires I’ve fought in years? Hell, no.”
“I didn’t know you were on duty overnight.”
“I wasn’t, but when my scanner went off at 1:30, I decided to grab my bunker gear and head over to see if there was anything I could do to help.”
“Everyone okay?”
“Crew all made it back to the station safely, but we lost a seventy-eight-year-old woman. I went to school with her youngest son.” Rafe raked his fingers through his hair. “She didn’t have a single fucking smoke alarm in her house.”
Franco asked for her name but didn’t really know her or her son. “Sorry to hear she didn’t make it out alive.” Like most in the fire service, Rafe took every loss of life hard, especially the ones that might easily have been prevented, like this one.
Rafe had been advocating smoke alarms at schools and community groups ever since a tragic house fire had killed an entire family early in his career. He’d never forgotten. It had messed him up pretty bad for a while, but Rafe had talked with a counselor recommended by the fire department and had found ways to cope. He’d even steered Tony in the direction of counseling when he hadn’t been dealing well with the aftermath of a bad call two years ago.
“Changed my mind,” Franco said. “I’ll have whatever you’re drinking.” A little liquid courage might make this easier.
Rafe led him to the kitchen where he already had a can of Dale’s Pale Ale sitting on the island. Judging by the sweat line on the side of the can, it was about half-full. Rafe grabbed another can from the fridge and handed it to Franco.
“Take a load off.” Rafe pulled out a bar stool and sat down before Franco did. Breathing deeply, Franco followed suit, popping the tab and taking a long draw for added bravery.
The two brothers had always been close and wound up together as freshmen the same year—Franco pursuing law enforcement on a tuition-free scholarship, and Rafe studying construction engineering and management, both at the University of Colorado Denver. Rafe had delayed going to college so that he could work construction jobs around Colorado for a couple of years to pay for his tuition. The two had found themselves a small apartment off campus, which only solidified their bond. Of course, it also made dating men extremely difficult for Franco.
They sat in silence a few moments as Rafe waited for Franco to explain why he’d come over. Not ready to jump into the subject he’d come to talk about right away, Franco asked about the origins of the fire that had killed the woman overnight, and Rafe talked about it for several minutes before running out of things to say and taking another drink from his can.
“What brings you over here?” Rafe finally prompted.
Franco lifted the can to his lips in an effort to stall, but realized he’d already finished it.
“Want another?”
“No, thanks.” That shit was stronger than he needed this early in the day. “Driving.” In reality, he wanted to be sober for his scene with Rico later this morning. If only he could get through this scene.
The two became silent once more as Franco tried to remember all the scenarios he’d practiced on the drive here, but his mind had gone blank. He wiped his sweaty palms on his chinos underneath the table, hoping not to convey how nervous he was.
“Everything all right in the fire investigation unit?”
Franco nodded. “This isn’t work related. There’s…um…something I’ve been wanting to tell you.” Should he just blurt it out or find a segue? Franco’s heart pounded so loudly he could barely hear his inner voice’s response.
Just do it.
“Rafe, I feel like I’ve been living a lie my whole life.” Rafe cocked his head and his brows wrinkled, but he didn’t say anything, which meant there would be no more stalling and evading. “But I’m tired of pretending to be someone I’m not.”
“You’re leaving the fire service?”
Franco opened his eyes wider. “What?”
“I know your heart was set on law enforcement. Have you decided to pursue that again?”
If only it were that simple. “No, I love my job. It’s the best of both worlds.”
Rafe’s puzzled expression told Franco he needed to get this over with. He didn’t coax him along, although his demeanor remained as intimidating as ever. Franco had always looked up to his big brother and didn’t want to wreck their relationship.
“I’m not…” Don’t say what you aren’t, say what you are. “I’m gay.”
Rafe seemed to stop breathing for a moment—as did Franco. He waited for Rafe’s response, but his brother didn’t say anything for what seemed like an eternity. Clearly, this wasn’t what Rafe had expected to hear from Franco this morning.
“Well?” Franco asked.
“Well, what? I thought you were still thinking about what else you wanted to tell me.”
That wasn’t enough?
Franco shook his head. “No, I just wanted you to know I’m gay, because I’m tired of hiding it from everyone.”
Rafe chuckled. “Hiding? Who are you hiding from?”
“What do you mean?”
“Bro, I suspected it when you were in college—well, until Papa died and you told me you’d taken a woman home from a bar one night. That was a first for you.”
Franco had no memory of telling anyone about that episode that he’d preferred to forget. Perhaps he’d confided in Rafe so that his brother wouldn’t suspect otherwise.
God, I was fucked up back then.
Back to the topic at hand. “Let me get this straight. You’re saying I’ve been harboring the worst-kept secret in the family?”
“I can’t speak for anyone else, but we’ve always been closer to each other than we were with the younger kids. At least that’s true for me. You and Matt did work and live together a while in Leadville, though.”
Growing up, it had often been the two of them—Rafe and Franco—versus Matteo and Tony. Sometimes Angelina was thrown into the mix, especially when she felt the need to defend Tony. Those two were super close too.
Franco couldn’t say that they’d made him feel different or kept him at a distance, because that was a position he’d mostly imposed upon himself.
Before Franco could say anything more, Rafe continued. “Admittedly, I wasn’t sure if you were gay or bi back then—or now, for that matter—but I figured you were an adult and could make your own choices, as long as you did it safely.”
“I wear a condom, if that’s what you mean.” He didn’t want to catch HIV or some other STI and hadn’t been in any long-term commitments that allowed him to trust his partner without one.
Until Rico.
Franco grinned thinking back to his teenage years. “You’re the one who drilled safe sex into me, not Mama or Papa.”
“Well, I sure got the lecture from Mama. I can’t believe she didn’t say anything to you, so it’s a good thing I did.”
Franco cocked his head. “Come to think of it, Papa had the talk with me about safe sex and a man’s responsibility with a girl when I was a senior in high school. Maybe I just didn’t pay that much attention to him, because I wasn’t interested in dating girls anyway.”
Except for that night in Denver a week after Papa’s death. He often regretted being the one who’d returned to the city after Papa’s funeral to pack up his and Rafe’s belongings to move out. If Rafe had gone with him, Franco wouldn’t have been out drinking.
Assuming he’d been able to perform with her, she’d have been the first and last girl he’d ever had sex with. Sadly, he couldn’t remember if he’d worn a condom or not, because he’d had too much to drink. But his bed had been empty when he woke up—or came to—the next morning. He’d half convinced himself he’d dreamed up the whole nightmare until Mama called to check on him early that afternoon and some fuzzy memories of a woman having been in his bed seeped into his hungover brain.
But that encounter had changed nothing. Papa was still gone and Franco had been left even more confused than ever about who he was.
Get your head out of the past.
“So you’re okay with this, Rafe? It isn’t going to make us awkward or weird?”
“This doesn’t change how I feel about you, if that’s what you’re asking.”
A weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Rafe accepted him.
“The only one finding out something new today seems to be you, Franco. Which means, the real question is, are you okay with it?”
Was he? “For a long time, I wasn’t. But I’m more comfortable in my own skin now.”
“Because of Rico?”
Franco wasn’t sure what Rafe meant, so he proceeded cautiously. “He certainly is awe-inspiring for gay guys like me. Rico’s never tried to hide who he is from anyone.”
Franco’s Dom stare paled in comparison to the big brother glare Rafe gave him before he tipped his head back to finish his beer and crushed the can with his hand. “And when are you going to stop hiding from him?”
What did that mean? “I’m not hiding. Rico’s suspected I was gay all the way back to high school, but I didn’t come out to him officially until more recently.”
Despite Rico being on his radar and someone he would have liked to have known better, Franco had never acted on his interest or quite understood it. He hadn’t admitted to himself he was gay then, let alone that he wanted to be in a relationship with a boy. Mostly, Franco didn’t want to risk losing Rico as a friend if they dated and things went sour. Rico’s friendship on the team meant more to him than a few thrills, and at that age, who thought about the long term anyway?
Franco had the impression Rico felt the same way back then, although they’d never talked about it. Rico had lots of female friends for companionship but seemed to cherish the special bond he had with Franco. The feeling had been mutual.
“For Rico to come out at such a young age in a conservative mining town took a lot of guts,” Rafe began. “I like to think I didn’t treat him any differently knowing he was gay, but I was a dumb teenager at the time and had never known an openly gay guy before.”
“Rico told me you always treated him as if it didn’t matter. Our whole family did.”
“Good. Glad to hear it. Maybe that’s because we were raised right and taught that things like that didn’t matter.”
Rafe looked at Franco as if expecting him to say more. Honestly, there wasn’t anything more Franco wanted to say. Besides, it was too soon to tell if anything would come of his relationship with Rico at this point, although Franco hoped so.
“He sure is adapting to parenthood well,” Franco offered, hoping to veer them to a safer topic.
“Rico’s always had a big heart. He’s really good with Gina. She’s a sweet kid. And damned lucky to have Rico in her life after losing her mother.”
The conversation went from there to whether they thought Carmella and Dakota would have boys or girls, then eventually circled back to why Franco had come here in the first place.
“Have you come out to Mama?” Rafe asked.
“Not yet. I don’t know how to talk to her about it. We never really talked about sex before, either way. I’m sure she’ll love me, no matter what.”
“Of course she will.” Rafe shrugged. “Other than the double-whammy pregnancy announcements she got back in August, I don’t think any of us have ever surprised Mama. She probably already knows.”
“You think so?” That would make things easier for Franco. “We have such a good relationship. I don’t want that to change, and I don’t want to hurt her.”
“She’ll be more hurt if you don’t tell her and she finds out some other way.”
True. “I wish I could talk with her about it this afternoon and get it over with, but she’ll be with Gina all day. You won’t say anything before I have a chance to, will you?”
Rafe’s brows rose in surprise as if offended he’d even asked. “Not my place. Have I ever tattled on any of my siblings?”
Franco had to admit that Rafe had always kept his confidences in the past, even as kids.
“Sorry. No, you haven’t.” Instead, Rafe usually worked on their consciences—or guilt—and got them to confess. “I’m just nervous, that’s all.”
“How about Tony, Matt, and Angelina?”
Franco shook his head. “You’re the first I’ve told.”
“Why me? Because I’d be the easiest?”
He might as well tell the truth. “No, because I was worried most about how you’d take it. I didn’t want to damage our relationship.”
Rafe stared him down a moment then went to the fridge for another beer before sitting back down. He’d been hitting the beer hard this morning. Was it because of last night’s fatality? Franco would suggest that Tony keep a close eye on him in the coming days and weeks. Being in the same firehouse, his little brother would be able to detect any changes in behavior better than others in the family. And Tony had battled his own demons not long ago, resorting to too much alcohol as a way to numb himself.
Being first responders meant learning to deal with difficult situations, but they weren’t always able to cope on their own.
Before Franco could say anything, Rafe leaned closer and brought him back to the topic at hand. “I ought to kick your ass for thinking I wouldn’t accept you for who you are, little brother.” Instead, he grabbed Franco by the shoulder with his left hand. “But I’ll give you a pass this one time. That said, if you ever have any worries on your mind again, you’d better not be afraid to talk to me.”
Franco heard the threat in his voice and knew he’d be in for it if he kept anything as important as this from his big brother again. “You got it.
“Initially, I told Rico I was going to tell everyone on Thanksgiving, but he didn’t think that was the best way to handle it.”
“Ya think?” Rafe’s grin made him see even more clearly how dumb that idea had been. “What could possibly have gone wrong there?” Rafe smirked.
Franco met his gaze. “I’m just tired of living a lie and don’t want to have to go through this four more times until everyone knows. Then again, maybe I’ve only been lying to myself and everyone already knows I’m gay.”
“There’s always that possibility, but you still need to say something so that it’s out in the open.”
“Dakota already knows but promised she wouldn’t tell Matteo.”
Rafe cocked his head. “I thought you said I was the first one you told.”
“I didn’t tell her.” He glanced away a little sheepishly, as if a teenager at confession. “She caught me kissing Rico at their reception. Beside the barn, when everyone else was busy dancing and drinking.” Too late, he realized he’d revealed something to Rafe he hadn’t intended to. When he met Rafe’s gaze again, his brother’s grin widened. Yeah, he’d blown it.
“Are you saying there is something going on between you and Rico?”
Yet another of his poorly kept secrets. Franco gave him a shrug. “Something had started brewing at the wedding, but Rico’s been so busy taking care of Michelle and now being guardian to Gina that we put it on hold.”
Until today, but he wasn’t going to mention those plans to Rafe.
“I am curious about one thing.”
“What’s that?” Franco asked.
“Why did you come in here looking like a man on his way to the gallows? What did you expect me to say or do at your big revelation?” Big revelation sounded like a joke now, because Franco hadn’t revealed anything Rafe hadn’t already suspected or known.
Franco sighed. “I don’t know.” Might as well be honest. “Even before Papa died, I looked up to you as a third authority figure in my life.”
“I’m only two years older than you.”
“Chronologically, maybe, but you’re bigger than life in a lot of ways.” Franco gave a half shrug. Even before Papa died, Rafe had taken on a lot of Franco’s upbringing while Mama was busy with the younger three. “I had some serious hero worship for you growing up. I’ve always wanted to be just like you.” Rafe raised his eyebrows in surprise, but Franco kept talking. “After Papa died, you took on the role as head of the family, and it just cemented my desire to never disappoint you.”
Rafe grew more serious. “I could never take Papa’s place. I only tried to fill the void and help Mama as best I could.”
“Well, you did a great job taking care of all of us. Hell, you were only twenty-five at the time.”
“Almost twenty-six. But don’t forget, you made a lot of sacrifices after Papa was killed too, Franco. You also had to quit college—giving up your senior year so that we could both get jobs to help Mama pay the bills and stay home to finish raising Angelina and put Matt and Tony through college. At least you and I had three years of college under our belts, which helped us get better-paying jobs—until we decided to join the fire service, that is.” They shared a smile, admitting that there wasn’t a lot of money to be made in their chosen profession.
Mama hadn’t needed them as much then. Rafe had continued living with her and helping with the bills until she remarried and moved to Breck with Paul.
Franco shrugged. “We needed to make sure the younger three weren’t derailed from getting their education, so it just made sense for us to go to work and help them out.”
By that time, Franco had lost all interest in getting his degree anyway. When he’d been ready to return to college, he’d chosen a different path for his future.
“When do you plan on telling Mama and everyone else?” Rafe asked.
“No clue.”
“Don’t let it eat away at you too long,” he cautioned. “They will accept you as you are.”
No, he wouldn’t drag his feet much longer.
“I won’t.”
Rafe leaned closer. “Maybe it’s time for you to accept yourself, Franco. Your family already loves you just the way you are.”