Chapter Eleven #2
I want what we have to be stronger than lies, deception, and our enemies, but I’m terrified it’s going to pull us apart eventually.
I have no idea what I’ll do if it does.
I don’t want to rebuild without Mason.
Even if I could, I don’t want to go back to the life I had before.
Mason is not going to turn his back on you, but you’d be trading a bigger set of chains for another, and you know it.
I feel like I’m going to be sick again, and the only thing stopping me is the look on Olivia’s face.
Olivia steps closer to me and drops her voice further. “I don’t want you to worry about the plan. I’ll take care of it. No one will ever know you were involved, not even Mason.”
I purse my lips. “It’s not about that. That trades one problem for another.”
I’m not sure I can live with myself if I put Olivia in the line of fire.
Not even to save my skin.
And what about your baby? Don’t they deserve to be put first? What kind of mother thinks of other people?
The baby isn’t even here, and my priorities are still skewed.
What kind of mother am I?
Why can’t I make the right decisions?
Why can’t I do what needs to be done?
“I’ll take care of it,” Olivia repeats, with a finality in her tone. “You won’t be able to help anyway if you can’t remain calm, and they’ll be able to sense your nerves from a mile away.”
I begin to pace. “Maybe using a disguise was a ridiculous idea. Maybe Miss Deveroux has lost her touch. We should try and find someone else to pass the message along.”
“London—”
“I know it’s a risk, but it might work. What if we hold a meeting on neutral territory? Carlisle can ensure it’s safe. Maybe we can have him call in a few favors or something… I don’t know. You’re a Payne. You must have some kind of pull.”
“London—”
“I need to figure out the specifics, but I think it could work. I need to—”
“London.” Olivia places one hand on either side of me, bringing me to a halt. Her face is pale. “Why didn’t you say something?”
I furrow my brows as I stare at her. “Huh?”
Olivia waves a hand, and it’s only then that I notice I’m cupping my stomach.
A gasp falls from my lips as I drop my hand and step out of her reach.
I feel Olivia’s gaze following me as I wander over to the nightstand, picking up and setting down several things on the way.
My heart is a dull thud in my ears as I force myself to face Mason’s sister.
“I didn’t say anything because I’m not sure what I’m going to do.”
Olivia’s eyes widen. “You have to keep the baby.”
“What kind of life would they have in this world, with a target on their back? They’ll never be able to lead a normal life.”
Olivia glances from my stomach to my face and swallows. “Yes, but it’s your baby and Mason’s. … Oh, God. He doesn’t know, does he?”
I shake my head.
“Forget about helping me,” Olivia says. “You need to keep yourself and the baby safe, and you need to talk to him. You’ll figure it out together, I’m sure.”
“That’s assuming he wants to keep the baby.”
Olivia drops her hand. “I don’t think he’ll make you give up the baby, but I honestly don’t know…”
Olivia’s words feel like twisting the knife in my heart.
Even his sister can’t offer me the solace I so desperately need.
The kind only Mason can give me.
Coming clean to Katia and Olivia has only made me feel worse.
This is getting out of hand. Too many people know. You need to tell Mason before this gets back to him.
“I’m going to tell him,” I say. “I just haven’t figured out how or when.”
Olivia stares at me, then offers me a small, sympathetic smile. “For what it’s worth, I’ll do whatever I can to help.”
“I appreciate that.”
Olivia clears her throat. “Can I ask you something?”
I shrug.
How did Olivia survive this world?
What kind of dreams did she have before reality took hold?
Did she dream of a different life?
Before I can think of anything else, Olivia sighs and turns to me, one hand still holding the curtain. “What’s the real reason you haven’t told Mason?”
I pause and study her, choosing my next words carefully.
“Honestly? I don’t know. Initially, I suppose it was because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. I thought if I pretended like it wasn’t happening to me…”
“That it would make it a lie?”
I look away. “I know it sounds stupid, and I know I should’ve noticed earlier, but with everything else happening… I… didn’t.”
I’d been so focused on keeping my parents from the truth that I’d missed the signs.
For weeks, Mason had consumed my every thought, dulling everything else around me, even something as obvious as this.
Olivia isn’t wrong to wonder.
“I didn’t do this on purpose if that’s what you’re wondering,” I add quickly. “I know we don’t know each other well, and you have no reason to believe me, but it doesn’t make it any less true.”
“London, if I didn’t think you could be trusted, I wouldn’t have asked you for your help,” Olivia says. “And not only that, but you’re helping me, so I think we’re past the social niceties.”
“We went right into assured mutual destruction,” I joke with a weak smile. “If we betray each other, I mean.”
Olivia’s expression changes. “I don’t think you’re going to betray me, and I have no interest in betraying you.”
I have no idea why Olivia is telling me any of this, or why she hasn’t gone to Mason.
She doesn’t owe me anything, and the truth about what she’s been doing pales in comparison to what I’ve been hiding.
Telling Mason about the baby is what she needs to make her activities seem harmless, or at least that’s what I tell myself.
But I want to be wrong.
I need to be wrong.
Each day away from my old life brings new dangers, and with the walls closing in around me, the loneliness is beginning to creep in.
I don’t want to feel trapped and unable to take charge of my fate.
Isn’t that what you are, though? If you have the baby with Mason, you don’t have anywhere to go, and if you choose to stay, you’ll be putting both your lives at risk, assuming Mason allows it.
Suddenly, I’m ashamed of the anger and resentment I feel.
It’s not like Mason asked for any of this, either.
“When our mom died, I think a part of him died with her,” Olivia says, softly. “Or at least the part of him that wanted a different life for himself. I’m guessing by the look on your face that he’s never told you that.”
Slowly, I offer her a weak nod.
“He’s probably going to be pissed that I’m telling you, but you deserve to know,” Olivia says. “I don’t know what the right thing to do is. I’m not even sure I’m the person to ask, but if it were me, I’d keep the baby.”
“They’d be in danger every day of their lives,” I say.
Olivia frowns. “Yes, you’re probably right, but this could also be a chance for the two of you to start over somewhere new. Away from all of this.”
“I don’t think that is possible.”
“It is, but it means you’ll have to look behind you for the rest of your lives. You’ll never be able to fully let your guard down.”
“That doesn’t sound any different than what we’re doing now.”
“One set of bars for another. Anyway, that’s just my two cents. I wouldn’t put too much stock into it. I had the chance to get away, but I waited too long.”
My chest tightens at the look on her face. “What happened?”
“He got tired of waiting for me to make a decision,” Olivia whispers. “It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have taken it for granted.”
“I’m sorry.”
Olivia blinks and releases a shaky breath. “Me, too. I hope you don’t make the same mistakes I did. My brother is not the easiest person in the world to deal with, but if he cares about you, he will burn the world down to keep you safe.”
I search her face, and my chest tightens. “I know.”
Olivia brushes past me and pauses in the doorway. “I hope it works out for you. For both of you.”
The door shuts behind her, and I remain rooted to the spot for a while.
I turn Olivia’s words over in my head as I duck into the bathroom and switch on the hot water. When steam fills the bathroom, I leave my clothes in a heap on the floor and stand under the shower head. For a while, I watch the water swirl at my feet as I debate what to do next.
A short while later, I secure the towel around me and sit on the edge of the bed.
I’m not sure what I want to do next, but I don’t know if I can be the one who makes Mason Payne walk away from the life he’s built.
I don’t know if I can live with myself if he turns his back on his family and his legacy.
My fingers are trembling as I change into a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie and throw myself onto the bed. As soon as I squeeze my eyes shut, my hand moves to my stomach, and I realize with startling clarity that my decision has already been made for me.
I can’t keep this baby.
I can’t condemn them to this life I’ve chosen.
When I squeeze my eyes shut and curl up into a ball, my heart aches for the life growing inside of me, and the tiny hands I’ll never hold.