23
After the second-to-last day of school, I’m cuddled up with Noah for a much-needed movie night.
But Noah can’t stop staring at me instead of the screen.
I giggle. “What is it, cutie?”
He drops his head with a smile, only able to peek at me in short bursts. “Nothing. I just love you. And you look adorable drowning in my shirt.”
I laugh, tugging the base of his giant black T-shirt lower over my thighs as a makeshift dress. Noah’s smile is so bright that I can’t help but nuzzle his cheek, kissing it over and over again until his lips get jealous and steal the last one.
Laughter sputters from me. “Hey!”
Noah chuckles, cuddling me closer. “Sweet Omega, it made me so happy to see you light up when the Elders talked about Takahiro the other day. And I know I told you I’d tell you more about him. I’m sorry I haven’t been in a place to do that yet.”
My stomach flips. “Please, don’t worry about that. It’s a hard subject for both of us.
“I know, but—” He sighs. His thoughts whirl a snowstorm of emotions through our bond. “Maybe, if it h-helps you to talk about it, it’ll help me too.”
I smile, amazed by how much he’s been opening up since the pack showed him it was safe to show his emotions. “Okay, I’d love that.”
Noah straightens with a rising smile. He shuffles on the couch cushions until he’s facing me. “Is there anything about his involvement in the pack that you’re more curious about? I can do my best to answer.”
My heart aches with both love and pain, but I can’t stop smiling. “There’s a lot, actually. I guess one of my main questions is how well you even knew my dad?”
Noah hums, tracing my arm with his warm fingertips. “Our dads had been best friends forever, as you know, so I knew him for as long as I can remember. Takahiro felt like my uncle.”
My heart lifts. “Yeah? That”s how Ritchie felt to me too. I’d get not one but two dad hugs when I’d come home from school on a day Ritchie was over.”
Noah’s hand freezes, a slow smile breaking across his face. “That makes me so fucking happy.”
I giggle. “They were good dads, weren”t they?”
“They were, and they were good pack-dads too. They prepared almost their whole lives to do what Yas and I were thrown into. Mediating, problem-solving, refugee support—” Noah’s smile fades. “I really regret not being able to give them a break. They were involved in pack work since they were teens, and I’m not sure they ever had much of a life outside of it. Takahiro was the natural choice for top Beta when my grandmother died.”
I sit up. “I still can’t believe she led the pack back then. Weren’t the Alphas twice as hard on her?”
“Yep. But she didn’t give a fuck.”
I laugh. “God, I love her. She sounds like you.”
Noah chuckles, dropping his stare. “That’s a high compliment. My mom loves to pretend I’m the first Alpha to break traditions, but my grandma nipped countless gender roles in the bud. We’ve never been the same pack since.”
Neither of us can stop smiling. Noah lightly tugs on my hand until I come closer, and I gladly sit in his lap.
He cuddles into me, wrapping his arms around my waist and nose into my collarbone.
“I’m probably the way I am because of her in more ways than that though.”
My heart spikes along with Noah’s rising emotions, unsure where they’re coming from. “How so?”
“It’s– It’s about the wolf pheromone thing.” He swallows hard, dropping his forehead against me to hide his eyes. “I trust you, but I don’t tell a lot of people about it. Especially since so many Lycans can’t even accept the most basic thing of all of us deserving equality.”
I don’t want him to feel pressured, so I stroke his hair, giving him a soft hum so he knows I’m listening. But the longer we sit in silence, the bigger his incoming confession feels. When he draws in a breath to speak, my stomach flips with his rising nerves.
“Maybe she saw something in me that I didn’t when I was a kid. I was really shy then too and only got worse later on, but when she was alive, she had a huge part in raising me. But she didn’t see wolf sexes the same way as everyone else, and between us—” He takes a sharp breath before softening his voice even further. “She let me in on a huge secret about how Lycans actually work. She’d let a lot of Omega pheromones out when it was just us, even though she was an Alpha. I didn’t really understand it at first; our sexes seemed so set in stone. But then I realized my Alpha grandma could control her pheromones as easily as she could control her smile, letting out certain vulnerable scents only around the people she trusted. She was an Alpha around everyone else, but an Omega around me. It made me realize that—”
My heart pounds. I’m not sure where this is going next, but Noah’s hesitation amplifies my nerves.
“That I was controlling my pheromone output too. And it wasn’t just me altering how I presented: every wolf I knew would change themselves when other people were around, acting a little different and putting on airs depending on the company. It made me realize we’re not as straightforward as we all want to seem. But like I said, most Lycans aren’t ready to take that in.”
The more he explains, the more ridiculous it feels that Alphas hold so much social dominance over everyone else. And now that Noah’s trying to change that, they’re clinging to their final semblance of power. It makes me wonder if deep down, they know they’re wrong, attacking my mate who speaks too much truth for their comfort.
I don’t realize I’m gripping Noah’s shirt until he sits up. Stroking my hair, Noah traces my eyes in search of my thoughts. For some reason, my heart aches enough to stiffen my voice.
“Is that why you were okay with my—” I flush hot. I didn’t realize how much shame I carried around this subject until it floods my throat. “My Alpha weirdness?”
Noah’s eyebrows soften. He gives me a gentle smile. “No. It’s why I think having some Alpha in you isn’t all that weird in the first place.”
A hidden tightness in my chest loosens on its own. Noah’s smile relaxes into a full grin. The longer we gaze at each other, the freer I feel. He really loves me for who I am, just like I love him.
I dive for his chest, hugging him as tightly as I can. “Then I guess Grandma Greenfield raised you into the most beautiful man I’ve ever met.” Noah’s wolf melts into a giddy puddle in our bond, spurring me into adoring laughter. “I wish I could’ve seen you two together.”
Noah’s human side chuckles with me, kissing my cheek. “Me too. I really felt her loss when she passed, especially since my parents had to jump into action to take her place. Your dad was my hero when my parents were too busy, Omega.”
The unspoken ache in Noah’s words guts me.
“Oh, love...” I take his hand, breathing through the past with him. “You were alone a lot as a kid?”
“Yeah. But Takahiro tried to keep Rainn and I company whenever we hadn’t seen my dad for a while. He was—” Noah scratches the back of his head, his choppy hair blocking his eyes from my view. “Well, whenever I think of the type of dad I want to be, I think of your dad.”
There’s no way I can keep from crying now. But I’m beaming from ear to ear at Noah”s shy stare. “What type of dad was he to you?”
He clears his throat. “Someone w-who made time for what he cared about. Someone thoughtful about the earth, the pack, his loved ones...” Noah fiddles with my fingers, his soft and rapid breath the only clue as to how excited his wolf is internally. “No matter how busy I am, I want to make time for us. A-and eventually, for our family.”
I rub his chest until he flashes me a soft smile, still too flustered to meet my eyes.
“I love my dad, but he couldn’t time-manage for the life of him,” Noah mutters.
My hand slows, only my thumb tracing the center of his chest. I wish it could soothe the ache in my heart, knowing it must feel ten times worse in Noah’s.
Noah continues. “I know he felt bad about that, and jealous of Takahiro at times... But I know he loved Takahiro for it just the same. Your dad would take me through the forest, teaching me all about the plants and insects—” Noah scrunches his nose. “Especially the weird bugs. Rainn loved that part more than me, honestly.”
I help him wipe away my tears as I laugh, and Noah seals it with a kiss.
“God, that sounds just like him,” I breathe. “He did that with me too. I feel like it made me much more sensitive to the world around me, and my impact on it. Our forest walks are some of my best memories.” I sit up with a gasp. “Wait, did you ever smell me there?”
“No. Whenever I was really curious about your scent on their clothes as a kid, Takahiro made it extremely clear I was never to speak to or witness his daughter in my lifetime.” Noah bites his lip. “Looks like I sort of broke my promise.”
Noah gives me a sheepish look, and I bust out laughing.
“You”re not sorry at all, you sly wolf!”
His bright laugh sends flurries of sparks throughout my chest.
“No, I”m not sorry. And I think he was right to be fiercely protective of you. You’re so fucking incredible, I could eat you alive in my lap.” Noah’s eyes suddenly widen. “Oh, Goddess, I would’ve been a mushy, rutting mess if we knew each other when we were teenagers. We’d probably have ten pups.” He grips his forehead with a groan. “Okay, no, I don’t ‘think’ he was right, I ‘know.’ I would’ve made a mess of our lives.”
I can’t stop giggling between kissing Noah softly. “Still. I would’ve loved that mess.”
“Me too, sweet Omega.” Noah’s voice softens as we draw closer on instinct. “But what we have now is more beautiful than I ever imagined.”
I gaze into Noah’s eyes, soaking in his love until my heart overflows. His lips are tender when I kiss him, alighting my every vertebrae. “You’re right. I wouldn’t trade what we have now for anything.”
Noah’s hand skates up my thigh as our kisses grow heavy. Between his heavy touch and hot tongue, I squeeze my thighs together, desperate for his sexual attention.
But Noah pauses, tracing my eyes. “I sense some sadness in you, sweet Omega. Different from grief.”
I drop my stare, my cheeks reddening. “I know we’ve managed to try having sex like we used to a few times, but it hasn’t been fully the same, and—” I bite my thumb, desperate to quiet my hammering heart. “Deep down, I’m really embarrassed about the trouble I’m still having, feeling pain during sex.”
“Oh, my sweet—” Noah’s fingertips skate into the roots of my hair, holding my head in place as he plants a firm kiss on my forehead. “Our intimacy doesn’t revolve around one type of sex. I love what we’ve been doing. Don’t you?”
“Yes, but—” My forehead warps. “It’s my fault we haven’t been able to keep trying for a baby.”
Noah kisses my tears away, shushing me gently. “It’s okay. It really is. It’s only been a month since we took a break. We’ll get there.”
“Still, I— I miss the deeper connection I feel with you when you”re inside me.”
Noah swallows hard. His breath heightens against my cheek. “T-the other day, I had an idea of something that might help with your pain.”
I pull back to meet his eyes. They roam to my lips, then to his hand rubbing my hip, then to my mark as my head tilts in primal submission. When his Alpha musk flourishes into desire, my thighs squeeze together. This time, Noah’s eyes fall straight to my aching groin.
His voice is quiet, but rough with want. “You know how Lycans lick our wounds, and we heal ten times faster?”
My heart flips. I squeeze my thighs tighter, unsure if he’s implying what I think he is.
“I thought... Maybe I could give you some extra attention there. With my mouth.” Noah drags in a deep lungful of my eager scent, his grip tightening on my hip to give me a soft squeeze. “Maybe it’d help.”
I flush to my neck, my hips squirming at the thought.
Noah’s stare ignites, hanging on my next move. His thumb rests tantalizingly close to my inner thigh. When my thighs part for him, he huffs.
“You want to try?”
“Yes,” I whisper.
Noah kisses me, long and deep before hoisting me into his arms.
I let out a surprised giggle through our kiss, but his eager hands on my ass urge my tongue into his mouth. When he drops me on the couch’s long sectional, climbing over me, he pauses, realizing his mistake.
“Shit. W-was that triggering?”
My eyes are wide, but more because I hadn’t remembered this was a problem. I gape at Noah’s wide form towering over me, amazed. “Actually, no. That was fine. I’m doing better much faster than I usually would, thanks to how patient you’ve been. I really do trust you, Noah.”
He breaks into a proud smile, and my heart soars. But as he strips my bottom half bare, softly parting my legs, my heart pounds into my ears.
Why am I so nervous? It’s not like we’ve never done this before.
Kneeling at the sectional’s end, Noah peeks up at me as he gives my clit a soft kiss. I suck in a sharp breath, my thighs twitching.
“I want to do this with the intention of healing your wounds,” Noah says.
I swallow hard, biting my lip. “T-thank you, Noah.”
Noah draws back, his hands sliding down my calves as he relaxes on his heels. “Is that actually okay with you? You seem uncertain.”
I sigh, rapidly tucking my hair behind my ears. “No one has done anything like this before for me. I don”t know how to take it in.”
I’m surprised by my tears, especially as Noah’s curious expression melts into sadness with me.
“I just know what it’s like. Trauma hurts like a physical wound,” Noah says.
I nod, combing through his soft hair.
“That’s why I wanted to see if I could help, somehow. I know it sounds crazy, but maybe it really is a physical wound too. Our body definitely remembers, even if we can’t see it anymore with our eyes.”
His words strike my core.
Noah”s thoughts about PTSD resonate deeper than what anyone else has said to me about the disorder. I hate to think of why he understands so well. Whatever happened to him, it”s still buried too deep for me to ask.
Noah continues, “So, if it’s okay with you, I’m going to think about what you’ve told me. If I know the wound, it helps me know how to heal it.”
There’s an extended silence, my chest rapidly rising and falling. “You want to think about the spots he hurt me the most... On purpose?”
Noah nods, his puppy-dog stare tearing at my heartstrings. “I-I can”t promise it”ll work, but Prolonged Exposure, and all—” He shrugs, giving me an earnest stare. “Maybe it”s worth a try to sit with it for a bit.”
He”s right. That”s what I had to do with Jenny to get as far as I have with my trauma healing. His idea of acknowledging my pain directly is better than just waiting it out, especially because I know PE works incredibly well on me. Which means I really do want to tell Noah where it usually hurts.
I’m just afraid to say it out loud. Afraid to make Noah think about it. To allow someone else to carry the sharp, vomit-inducing fear I store in my core—the source of this pain.
But Noah couldn”t be clearer about what he’s comfortable with. He”s staring me deep in the eyes, fingertips brushing over my groin until I flex.
Noah’s eyes widen as I point out an invisible scar to him.
“H-here. This part hurts if I’m not warmed up enough, ever since—” I swallow my pounding heart before it leaps from my throat. “Since then.”
Noah’s emotions rattle and warp through me, hitting me like an icy wave.
But as he slips his hands beneath my hips, tilting me to face him, he gives that spot a gentle, slow lick.
I gasp through it, afraid of what I might feel.
To my surprise, it’s the best thing I’ve felt in a while. The soft pad of his tongue glides over my sensitive skin, loosening a bit more of the tension in my belly with its radiating warmth.
“Where else?” Noah’s breathy whisper sinks into my core, and I squirm.
With shaking hands, I open myself up to him to point out another, deeper spot.
I can”t believe we”re doing this. Noah looks so serious. With no hesitation, Noah sticks his finger into his mouth, coating it in spit. My heart leaps as he holds eye contact, gliding his finger deep into his throat. My wolf goes wild. But Noah is so focused, he doesn’t seem fazed by what he’s doing.
When he slips his wet finger into me, he rubs the portion that keeps stinging lately.
But it doesn’t sting today. His gentle touch flutters my eyelids. In combination with soft kisses across my clit, Noah’s sweeping prodding sends a drip of fluid onto the couch cushions.
“I’ll come back to that spot.” He removes his finger with a nod, noting the heaviness of my breath as he stares at my gaping lips.
I’m turned on by how soaked his hand is as it scoops beneath my ass, angling me against his tongue. When he licks the entire base of me, I let out a shuddering gasp at how potent it feels. My knees pop open on their own, begging for deeper attention between them.
Noah’s eyes flick up at me, absorbing my heaving reaction as my gasps shift into moaning pleasure.
His next lick is slower. Harder. Extending all the way up one side of my labia. My hips tilt into his tongue as it sinks pressure into me, nudging my nerves into action.
But he doesn’t give me time to recover before licking me there again. And again.
By the time I’m squirming, he switches to the other side.
“Ahn— Noah—” My head drops back with a heaving breath, and Noah softly purrs against my clit. It makes my hips twist in his hands, so Noah grips them harder, squeezing entire handfuls of my ass.
A sudden rush of fluid slips out at his tongue’s massage, coating Noah’s chin. I gasp.
“S-sor—”
Noah growls, lifting my hips into his face for better access as he straightens up taller.
His tongue slathers the entire base of me in rapid circles, urging my body to open itself up to him like we’re about to mate.
“N-Noah— Ah!”
He purrs at my soft cries for him, closing his eyes as I tug at his hair.
There’s a possessiveness in his scent, but it doesn’t feel like a dominance over my body. It feels like he’s reclaiming my body from abuse, and giving it back to me.
As his tongue naturally dips into me, I moan louder, my voice echoing across the living room ceiling.
“Oh, my— Oh, my God—” My words come out like whispered breaths, shocked as Noah adds deeper pressure. He licks heavier and heavier until I feel like I’m being penetrated without his tongue actually entering me.
When he stops to gently suck my clit, my back arches, tilting my hips into his mouth.
“Oh, you’re so— You’re so good!”
I’m just listening to what you want, Omega. I’ll only do what you want.
He widens my thighs with his thumbs until my knees drop as far open as they can stretch. My hips beg for more, bucking into the air without any sense of rhythm.
Noah’s growl buries itself into my core as my body welcomes his tongue inside.
I’ve never had the urge for his tongue to penetrate me, but when he hits just an inch past my entrance, I melt. “Oh! Ah!”
My shaking legs urge him to tongue-fuck me until I’m lightheaded. Pleasure scales my belly, breasts, and throat. Dropping my head back, I cry out as he switches between endless stimulation—sucking my clit, penetrating me, and licking every inch of my labia—until I gush onto his face.
Noah’s growls shift into moans, his hips grinding into the edge of the couch beneath me. As my head fuzzes in bliss, I grip the cushion above my head, my hips slipping over his face. My knees raise on their own, baring my body to him as Noah licks pleasure into every little corner—until he focuses right on the spot that usually hurts. He trades between coating the invisible wound and dragging his tongue deeper, each cycle of his tongue building on itself until my whole chest fills with pleasure.
I pant hard, struggling to breathe through how good it feels as my knees squirm beyond my control. Noah rocks my hips over his mouth as I come, my thighs slamming shut against his cheeks.
As I catch my breath, wave after wave of relief hits my system. I can’t stop moaning.
Not just because it felt good. But because it felt good with Noah, and his primary motive was helping me to re-discover my pleasure.
I’m still buzzing, forced to resort to mindlinking. Oh, my God— I feel like you really did heal me.
Noah huffs between my legs, his breath tightening my core with leftover pleasure. His erection is throbbing and huge, stretching his pants as he separates his hips from the couch.
“Come here, gorgeous Alpha.” With loose muscles and a heaving breath, I urge his hips between my legs.
As I free his shaft, Noah shivers over me, his hips jolting at my touch. Grinding my soaked pussy on the bottom side of his shaft, I caress the top side, keeping him slotted between my legs. Noah still hasn’t said a word, panting and moaning as he works his cock over me.
He grips the couch above my head, his shaft expanding against my palm with every stroke.
“I... I can’t stop thinking about how good you just felt through our bond—” Noah comes all over my stomach, gushing enough to spill past my sides and onto the couch. “Fuck—”
With Noah’s raspy breath above me, I’m stunned. He was that turned on by making me feel good, and his whole reasoning behind it was to help me heal. I never thought someone would love me this much.
Noah collapses against my chest, and I hold him as hard as I can, squeezing my eyes shut. Getting re-triggered terrified me that things would never be the same, and I was right; they’re not. My heart is opening to Noah past anything I’ve ever felt.
Noah props himself over me, swiping leftover wetness from his cheeks. His focus drops to my legs, spread open to him. I stay exactly as I am, staring back at him. I’m laid out and bare, and he’s meeting me there.
As I hook my arms around his neck to kiss him, his relaxed lips signal he’s fully satisfied.
I’m so stunned by my love for him that my heart flutters. I retrace how we got here, trying to process it all.
But as my head clears, I’m hit with another realization altogether.
Noah’s words before he pleasured me repeat in my mind: I just know what it’s like, he said.
“It” could’ve been referring to PTSD, yes. But I know my mate. Was that “it” loaded heavier than it seemed?
I won’t confirm my assumptions until Noah tells me the full truth, but I feel it in my gut. I think Noah has sexual trauma too.
I cup Noah’s cheeks, unsure of what to do with the heartache in my chest as I’m blasted with pain for him at my revelation. If it’s true, that makes Noah’s willingness to trust me sexually just as major as my trust in him. Just as challenging, just as painful.
Which makes his pleasure even more of a miracle to witness. How many times has he allowed me to see him so vulnerable? I knew it was a gift to witness, but it feels even larger than a mere gift now. It feels like I’m healing his soul just as much as he’s healing mine.
Noah’s expression warps as I verge on heavy tears. My lip shudders with my hard, skipping breath and contorting expression.
“Fuck—” He gasps, his grip firm on my shoulders. “Oh, shit. Was it not okay? Did I trigger you somehow?”
I shake my head. “It’s not that, it’s—”
My lip quivers as I run my hands all over him, unsure how someone so kind exists.
How heartless could someone be to hurt him?
“I’m just so grateful for you,” I rasp.
As I lose myself to heavy tears, Noah soothes me with slow, sweet kisses and reminders that he’s right here. I’m not sure he realizes I’m crying for his silenced heart.