Chapter 21
Addison
I find my parents downstairs, getting ready to head out the door for church.
I’m definitely not going to be able to make it.
I need a shower and I’m still pretty tired.
I didn’t sleep well last night. It was freezing, the truck seat was not ideal, and although Wesley’s arms kept me comfortable, I was heavily distracted with thinking about everything.
“Quite the trip, huh?” Dad says, seeing me first.
“Yeah. It was going fine and then the snow sorta put a stop to that.”
“I’m just glad you were able to pull off somewhere.” Mom sighs, like she was barely able to sleep last night because she was too busy worrying.
“You look tired,” Dad says.
“Well, being on a bench seat in a single cab with no heat most of the night…can’t say I slept great.” I laugh.
I follow them to the door, watching them get their coats and shoes on.
I think about the breakup between Brantley and I that they know nothing about.
I want to tell them, but they don’t have time to talk about it right now.
Maybe that’s okay though. I don’t want to unpack it all right now anyway.
I’m too physically and mentally exhausted.
After they leave, I lie in my bed, tossing and turning. I can’t fall asleep. My mind is spinning and thinking about everything that happened. Thinking about what a future would be like with Wesley, things that would change, things that wouldn’t. It’s a big deal, a big decision.
But the last thing I think about before I finally doze off is his kiss. The weight of it. The way it felt—deep, real, intense. And the fact that I want to feel it again? That tells me everything I need to know moving forward.
* * *
I’m woken by the sound of the front door opening and footsteps traipsing through the house. I can hear voices mumbling—my parents, Jesse, Cody, and Ella.
I sit up and give myself a minute to wake up. I feel better after some rest. My eyes don’t feel as heavy. My body’s still a little stiff as I head downstairs though.
Once we all sit down for lunch, pray, and dish the food out, I have this unsettling feeling. No one knows Brantley dumped me, and as much as it still hurts, I feel like the longer I sit it on, the harder and more awkward it’s going to be to bring up.
My dad’s at the head of the table. I’m on his left, Mason beside me, and then Jesse’s at the other end, followed by Ella, Cody, and then my mom across from me.
In the split second of there being no conversation, I straighten and look at Mom. “So…Brantley broke up with me yesterday.”
The silverware tapping the plates all come to a halt. The words escaping my mouth for the first time have me feeling slightly emotional. Mom’s eyes soften, turning glassy almost instantly. I feel everyone else staring at me and then looking at one another.
Cody mutters an oh and Dad reaches his hand over and rubs my shoulder.
“You okay?” he asks, and I nod, fighting tears.
Mom tilts her head. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
I shrug and feel Mason reach over and touch my back.
When I really think about it, I don’t think I waited to say something about the breakup because I was tired or didn’t feel there was enough time to discuss it.
I think I’m just frustrated and embarrassed over the reasoning.
The part about my anxiety contributing makes me angry, but I know that the second I mention that Brantley was jealous of Wesley…
it’s over. Everyone will jump on that and I won’t be able to keep the kiss or anything else to myself any longer. I’m terrible at those kinds of secrets.
Cody drops his fork onto his plate, the sound making me jump. “Hold up, he dumped you over the phone?” he infers…correctly.
“He called me. It wasn’t a text,” I say.
“That’s some bull—” he starts.
“Hey,” Dad interjects.
“…bologna,” Cody corrects himself. “That’s some bull bologna.”
“Did he say why?” Ella asks.
I take a deep breath, dreading that question but knowing I have to answer it. “My anxiety. Everything was just frustrating to deal with and—”
“Did you tell him he should try being the one who has it?” Jesse cuts in, his tone unimpressed, his eyes full of empathy.
I just let out a small laugh in response.
“Want me to talk to him?” Mason asks, cracking his knuckles. I know he’s joking, but I also know that if I said yes, he would.
“No.” I laugh.
The table falls silent for a second before Mom intervenes. “What did Wesley say?”
“He was…a friend. Like he always is.” It takes everything I have not to even show a hint of a smile. I reach for my glass of water; it’s easy to hide behind.
“Was this before or after you two had to huddle together to keep warm for the night?” Cody jokes. Mom nudges him, hard. “Ow! I’m just saying!”
“Don’t,” she scolds, giving him the eye.
I adjust myself in my seat, wishing my entire body wasn’t starting to sweat. I’m not ready to talk about that part of the trip with them yet. They’re going to have questions about things I don’t even know the answer to yet.
“I think what he meant to say was, we’re sorry.” Mason puts his arm around me and pulls me in for a brotherly hug.
After we get cleaned up from lunch, Dad turns on The Dukes of Hazzard and everyone piles into the living room. I stay in the kitchen and make a pot of hot chocolate, per Mason’s request.
“So, are you really okay?” Jesse’s voice calls out behind me. “Breakups suck.” He’s leaning against the counter, hands in his pockets.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I feel less trapped.”
“You shouldn’t feel trapped, ever.”
“I just meant, always trying to prove myself, to show him I could be ‘normal.’”
“There’s no such thing as normal, Addison. Some guy will come along and see absolutely nothing wrong with you because he’ll love you enough not to care about the small flaws or inconveniences you carry.”
My thoughts flash to Wesley, his similar spiel to me earlier in the trip. Insisting there was nothing wrong with me. Then he told me I was amazing, funny, smart, witty, and beautiful. How didn’t I see it? How was I so clueless how he felt?
Ella’s voice enters the room. “Sorry, I just need to pee…again.” She’s ready to pop, and by that, I mean she looks so uncomfortable as she’s doing the pregnant waddle to the bathroom.
“We’re just talking about how much breakups suck,” Jesse says, hooking an arm around my neck and pulling me closer for a reassuring hug.
Ella stops and sighs. “Yeah, when you and I broke up, I think I cried every day for three months.”
My eyes bug out. “Three months?” I look to Jesse. He straightens, sucking in a breath, and the way his eyes dim while he looks at Ella makes my heart ache too.
“Everything happens for a reason though,” he says, resting a hand on her waist just before pressing a kiss to her head.
He can’t get enough of her. I want that.
I want a man who almost can’t stand to be away from me.
Who doesn’t care where we are or what we’re doing, he’s just happy he’s with me.
I just want someone to crave me like that.
Maybe I wasn’t as into Brantley as I thought I was. Jesse and Ella were literally made for each other. I know they were really young when they first dated, but I do remember him being pretty down in the dumps for a while. But I don’t recall seeing him cry.
Ella looks to me. “When I started nursing school and got busy with that, I met new friends, dated other people, and I guess, moved on…somewhat.” She sighs.
“Yeah. I don’t know. I think I’ll be fine in a few days.” I shrug.
“You will, just stay busy,” she says with a knowing look.
The conversation stops there when Ella continues to the bathroom and Jesse heads back into the living room. I slowly stir the hot chocolate on the stove.
My mind flashes back to Wesley…again. Everything he confessed just repeating in my mind.
Remembering the way his lips felt makes me shiver. In a good way. That’s never happened before.
When we first fell asleep in the truck, I was anxious. But when we curled up together, he made it all disappear. I felt so safe and comfortable in his arms. And for me, that’s a big deal.
Now the question is, what if I let my walls down too? What if we dated and it went well? What if he is my person, my safe place, my forever. Standing right in front of me all these years. What if I let myself love him back?
I walk back to the living room and grab my phone from the couch.
“Everything okay?” Mom asks.
“Yeah. I’m just gonna go for a drive. I’ll be back,” I say, heading towards the front door. I can feel someone behind me while I pull on my boots.
“Addison,” Cody says, standing just a few feet away.
I look up. “What?”
“You alright?”
“Yeah, I’m just going for a drive.”
“You want company?”
“Not really.”
He crosses his arms and leans against the wall. “Sure?”
“I’m fine, Cody.”
He holds his hands up in front of him in surrender. “I tried.” He blinks at me.
“Trust me.” I grab my jacket, hat, and gloves and out the door I go.
* * *
When I get to the farm, I’m frozen. It’s twelve degrees today. I hurry inside the barn, hearing the quiet hum of country music. Wesley is crouched by the woodstove starting a fire…for me. I didn’t tell him I was coming until I got in the side-by-side.
“Hey.” He smiles but I can tell he’s nervous. His shoulders aren’t relaxed, his chest is out, and he adjusts his hat a few times as I continue my way over.
“Hi.” I push out a smile.
He looks different to me all of a sudden. Like I’m seeing him through a new set of eyes.
He gives me a hug. It’s quick and friendly, his hands barely landing on me. I follow him and watch him tend to the fire, breaking up more sticks to add on and blowing on the orange flames.
Suddenly, I’m very aware that neither of us has spoken for probably thirty seconds and it’s awkward.
He stands, facing me, and I wonder if he can hear how loud my heartbeat is. If I look at his eyes right now, it will only make it worse. I sit down in my usual seat and he sits across from me.
“What’s on your mind?” he asks.
I look at him now, seeing the way he’s looking at me, and I feel so stupid. How could I have not seen it before?
“I’m scared,” I say with a quick breath.
He sits back. “Scared of what?”
“I just don’t want you to stop being my best friend.” The emotion in my voice is way heavier than anticipated.
“I’m not—” He shakes his head. “I don’t want anything to change either.”
“I just can’t lose this.” I gesture between us. “You’re all I have.”
“You’re all I have too.”
I adjust my coat and slide my feet across the concrete floor. I want him to keep talking. I need more reassurance, but I don’t feel comfortable saying that.
“Not much would change, Addison. We hang out all the time, we go to the same church, I talk to you more than anyone else.”
“I know.”
“I still want you to take the time to get over your relationship with him though. Deal with all those feelings and then…we’ll talk. Alright?”
I nod and get up. I’m glad he’s being so patient about it all. I wasn’t ready to tell everyone yet anyway.
“I’m glad you came to talk, and that we’re on the same page,” he says, following me.
“Yeah me too.”
I walk slowly, not wanting to leave but knowing there’s not really a good reason to stay either.
We reach the side door and I turn to him.
He’s looking at me like that again. Maybe it’s the new normal? Maybe I just have to get used to it? Homing in on his lips, I think about what they felt like. He takes a half step closer but it’s enough to get my heart pumping faster and heat rushing through my skin.
He tilts his head and slowly leans in, and when our lips brush together, I press forward. His hands find the small of my back and pull me in closer. His kiss is soft and sweet yet electrifying all at the same time.
He pulls back, resting his forehead against mine, and both of us are smiling ear to ear. As if we’re two kids at recess who just had their first kiss.
“I should go now,” I whisper.
“I know,” he whispers back. I’m tempted to kiss him again but I don’t. I step back and slip out the door behind me.