Chapter 2 #2
Rolling my eyes, I push through the door, setting down my bag of ice-cream and rootbeer on the nearest moving box.
It’s only one of several I picked up straight after my meeting with Vivienne this morning.
I was determined to face this shift in my life like a big girl…
until I saw all the boxes stacked in my apartment.
All of them silent reminders of my very new, very uncertain reality.
The sight sent me straight back out the door.
I couldn’t face the truth. Not yet.
Instead I hunted down my favorite comfort combo, Ben and Jerry’s with rootbeer, planning to spend the rest of the day binge watching Bible podcasts on Youtube while pretending my life isn’t crumbling beneath me like a stale cookie.
“Mom, please. We’re not Catholic. You shouldn’t guilt your kids into moving back home.”
“I’m just telling the truth, if you feel guilty then that’s all you my girl,” she says, her voice laced with humor.
I smile, kicking the door shut behind me. I know they miss us and this is her roundabout way of telling me.
“So,” she presses, “when are you giving up on this whole running away plan, Avah? It’s been a year, don’t you think it’s time to come home?”
She’d love to know that I’m being kicked out of the country, forced to come home in six weeks, but I can’t seem to tell her.
“I didn’t run away, mom.” The lie twists around my heart. “An opportunity presented itself. One I couldn’t pass up.”
My mom sighs on the other side of the line. One that’s filled with exasperation and maternal concern.
“When are you going to understand that a mother knows everything?”
She most definitely doesn’t know that I’m about to be deported…right? It just happened a few hours ago. And I’m pretty sure being an adult means my boss won’t tell my mom on me.
“Mom, when are you going to understand that’s not true.”
She laughs. “Yes, well, I try. The Holy Spirit tells a mother what she needs to know. And I know that my daughter ran away when that man decided to stop using his brain and start thinking with his anatomy—”
“Mom—”
“I also know that your program is for twelve months and it’s coming to an end soon. I thought you would’ve let your dad and me know your next step by now.”
I sigh. Grabbing the pint of ice-cream, I pop off the lid, rummage through the drawer for a spoon and dig in for a bite. I’m not ready to have this conversation with her. I know she means well, but I need to process without the help of my parents or my brother.
“So you do know some things…I’ll give you that,” I mumble.
“My girl, what’s your plan?” she asks with nothing but concern in her voice.
“I know it’s not in Sweden,” I say, my mouth still half-full.
“Avah,” she says gently. “You can’t let Axel dictate your future.”
I grab the rootbeer and pour a generous splash into the hollow I already carved into the ice-cream. It fizzles and swirls, forming a sweet syrup that’s to die for.
“This has got nothing to do with Axel.” If a complete stranger heard me right now, they’d know I’m lying. “I want to stay here. I’ve had a great year and I’ve learned a lot. I want to stay in New York.”
There’s a beat of silence from the other side and I take another bite of ice-cream wondering if my mom really does know that my apartment is filled with moving boxes. I can imagine her sitting at the dining room table, her fingers clutching her cup of coffee as she tries to gather her thoughts.
“You can work here too,” she says finally. “Perhaps now is the right time to come back home.”
For a second, I let her words set in. I know she means well, but I can’t see myself going back. I need to move forward…however that may look.
“Why?” I ask. “I’ve got nothing there waiting for me. God wouldn’t have given me this opportunity if there wasn’t a reason.”
My mom and dad have always helped us grow in our faith, they’ve helped us see God’s Hand in our lives when we couldn’t. That’s why I know He gave me a chance to get out of Sweden, and nothing and no one will be able to convince me otherwise.
“God works in many ways. And His ways are complicated and intricate, Avah, because He sees things we cannot. If you feel like you can’t come home because of what happened, then you have things you need to resolve.”
“Is that what I need, Mom?” I ask, my voice barely steady.
“How do you think I should resolve my life falling apart? How do I resolve the fact that my fiancé thought I wasn’t enough?
Just give me the steps and I’ll follow them.
Tell me how to face him after everything, because I don’t know.
And until I do, I don’t see how going back is going to help me. ”
I dig into the ice-cream, the contents splashing on the counter as I fight back tears. This is not how I wanted to spend my day. I wanted to forget, to ignore…not dig into the mess that is my life.
She sighs. “You just have to be patient. Axel wasn’t meant for you, and you should move on. Facing him is the first step—”
“Mom, I appreciate your concern and your advice,” I say, cutting her off but keeping my voice filled with love.
Or at least trying to. “But I’ve got this.
I just have a few things to figure out. I’m not done here yet, I know that.
There are a few options I want to explore.
I’ll let you know as soon as I have the definitives. All right?”
There’s another beat of silence before she sighs. “All right. But Avah? You know I love you, right? And that you can always come back home?”
My chest tightens, my heart aching. I haven’t seen my mom in a year and I miss her.
She’s always been able to offer comfort and advice when I struggled with something.
But after things blew up with Axel, I haven’t given anybody in my life the chance to offer me comfort.
I just left, determined to move on and forget about everything.
Unfortunately, that meant leaving behind not only Axel, but also my family.
“I know mom,” I say, grabbing a paper towel to clean up the mess I made on my kitchen counter. “But this is something I have to do.”
There will come a day when I have to face Axel, but it won’t be now. I can’t even picture what it would be like to see him again…I don’t even want to think about it.
“And God loves you too. Don’t forget that. Ever.” Her voice is firm. “Nobody will ever be able to change that, not you, not Axel…and not the mistakes you’ve made.”
Does my mom know what happened between me and Axel?
That I gave him more than I should?
“I won’t, Mom.” I take another bite, letting her words sink in. I know it’s true. I know God will forgive me if I come to Him with a repentant heart.
And I’ve done that.
“You might not want to hear this right now, my girl,” she continues gently, “but I’m going to say it anyway.”
She takes a deep breath, and I brace myself for the words to come.
“God calls us to forgive. And unless we forgive, we will not be forgiven. We can’t expect grace if we can’t extend it to others. God is our Judge. And as difficult as it may be to accept, you have to forgive Axel…and mean it. He’ll face God one day, just like you will.”
My chest tightens, the weight of her words and the fear of the Lord gripping my heart.
It’s so easy to cling to the grace and mercy part of believing in Jesus.
That we will be saved and forgiven and have a place in Heaven one day.
Forgiveness is a big thing…it’s something we need to do.
It’s not that forgiveness will earn us salvation, but rather that our saved nature is supposed to reflect onto others.
My heart should be willing to forgive Axel.
To some it’s simple, to others it’s the hardest thing to do.
I, unfortunately, fall in the latter group.
“Forgiveness is difficult, Mom,” I stir the ice-cream and take another small bite, the taste of chocolate and rootbeer not as soothing as it usually is. “But I believe that God is still working on this with me.”
“I know He is,” my mom says. “I’ll keep praying for you. For both of you.”
“Thanks,” I say, brushing away a tear that escaped. “Call you when I have more details?”
“Sure, my girl. I love you.”
“Love you too, Mom.”
Ending the call, I set down the phone before making my way to the bedroom. Opening the drawer to my nightstand, I pull out the blue velvet box that’s been haunting me for a year. My fingers draw small circles along the soft exterior. In it you’ll find a two carat diamond.
Princess cut. Platinum band. Perfectly beautiful.
But this isn’t the ring I wanted, not really. It took me a while to admit that maybe Axel didn’t really know me, didn’t really love me. Sometimes I wonder if I had been honest with myself from the beginning, would it have spared me all the heartache.
I’ve pictured throwing the ring in the Hudson River, watching the chemical ridden water swallow it up…my past and all the pain right along with it. But I’ve never been able to do it. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I close my eyes and take a breath.
Father, please help me to really forgive. I know I don’t have to see him to forgive him, so I ask that you show me how. Show me how to extend forgiveness and grace to someone who I feel is undeserving. How did You do it, Lord?
There’s no immediate answer, no booming voice coming from the clouds.
But instead, I’m filled with a quiet sense of certainty that God is still working.
For now, that has to be enough.